I'm 38, recently single and freaking out about my fertility and missing out on children. Has anyone been in this situation and can anyone please advise?

[Starlight38]

Hi bit of background about me: I'm 38, I broke up with my 44 yr old bf of a year 2 weeks ago because he was saying he wasn't sure about having children for ages. 2 months ago I did a fertility MOT and it turns out I have reduced ovarian reserve (AMH 1.6 pmol and AFC 7). Finally I just asked him to make a decision and said I wanted to TTC now he was like absolutely not so we broke up. It's really depressing as only a few weeks ago he was saying he was 75% there re marriage and children, and when I called him last week to see if there was even a glimmer of hope after we'd broken up he sounded pretty unbothered and said he'd made peace with the idea of never having children, that having children with me wasn't the issue, it was children full stop. Said he loves me etc etc, but that he can't keep on with his indecision and he should be more excited about having children than he is. I said to him that I'm going to end up having to go down a sperm donor route as I might miss the boat and really wanted it to be him, not a donor. He was like 'do what you have to do', then called me back saying he didn't mean to sound harsh. I think if he truly loved me he wouldn't be ok with me having a sperm donor. He said that if he changes his mind re children he'll get in touch but to assume he won't. I've just cut off all contact now.

I've been really panicking about what to do next. If I didn't have my dog I don't know how I'd have coped to be completely honest. Lots of people on mumsnet said get a sperm donor and do it alone. I've got as far as googling a bank and paying to see adult photos and I found one that looked ok but I just find the whole thing freaky and I'm not sure I can do it. I feel really devastated by the idea of having to go down this route and it's freaking me out. I'm also really really worried about having a child because I want one and then the child growing into an adult with lots of identity issues and depression etc because they have never met their dad. It's different when born from a one night stand, at least you know your mother met the guy and they had a night of passion etc. the idea of being ordered off the net and haven't even spoken to them is hard to get my head around.

Pretty much everyone on this has said don't bother freezing your eggs, they will be crap at 38. I went to the Lister and ARGC who both recommended doing it and I've also been taking all the supplements from 'it starts with the egg' - that feels like the only bit of 'control' I have over anything at the moment tbh.

So now I'm in this situation whereby I don't know what to do.

1. I know that definitely freezing eggs I need to do, even if it doesn't work I want to try that .
2. do I also freeze embryos with a donor so that if I don't meet anyone they are there as a back up plan?
3. Is there any hope of me meeting someone and having children the old fashioned way? I have hinge and bumble and I'm feeling so depressed tbh. bf I just broke up with said he was 'open to children' on his profile, then said he wanted them and then backed out. Is there a better way of meeting someone? surely there must be some men who do want families?

tbh at 38 I feel like on these apps the guys who want a family have filtered me out as think I'm too old, and so I'm left with the older guys who will just mess me around and string me along, just like my ex bf did.

sorry that's a really long post but I'm so stressed and would appreciate any views or help from anyone out there.

Thanks so much

OP, with those numbers I'd do it alone and perhaps even skip the IUI phase and go directly to IVF.

Egg freezing doesn't really work that often, the stats are kind of sad.

A woman I know was in the same position, had a baby via sperm donor, and she and her ex got married when the baby was 6mos. He's since adopted the baby and they've had more kids.

@Whataretheodds thanks so much for this. I will look it up. I do definitely need to take care of myself, the stress is probably ruining any eggs I have left! Losing weight from stress etc now, not good. I'll also listen to that how to get over your ex thing, I'm really not over it as feel so betrayed and stupid for trusting him

@khaa2091 thanks for your message. how long did it take you to decide to go solo ? were your test results also showing reduced ovarian reserve? did you end up freezing embryos and later transferred or did you have a fresh transfer?

@georgarina he's never coming back. I really think if he loved me he'd have stayed, wouldn't have wanted me going down this route. I keep on wishing he'll turn up and be like 'I changed my mind!' but I don't think he will. I guess once a month of no contact has passed that's it really isn't it.

I know it hurts and you probably don’t want to hear it but he made the right decision. Be honest, would you really consider TTC’ing with someone you’d been in a relationship for just over a year if your biological clock wasn’t ticking? Far too many men are having children they aren’t ready for, or really want and it’s the child that suffers. Men biologically don’t have the same urgency as women and while you couldn’t afford to wait any longer, he couldn’t afford to rush his decision.

I wish you luck.

I met my husband aged 38 when I'd just started looking into going down the sperm donation route. I'd broken up with a boyfriend in similar situation to yours a year earlier. Gave birth to our daughter almost exactly 2 years later. So it is possible, but we had no fertility issues (I assume, as luckily fell pregnant quickly).

I would say you have the rest of your life to start a new relationship, but not necessarily to make a baby. That was where I was at anyway.

I had IVF on my own with a donor and it was the best thing I've ever done.

I wouldn't recommend freezing eggs as the success rates are so low. Freezing embryos generally works better but with a low AMH you might not get any embryos that are good enough to freeze.

Have a look on Facebook for some of the solo mum groups and people will give you good advice.

Most of the solo mums that I know we're very confident in their decision and stopped dating to concentrate on getting pregnant. Dating is exhausting and expensive. Getting your body and mind ready for fertility treatment is also exhausting and expensive.

Good luck!

@Starlight38
At 39 my AMH was 4.4, falling to 1.5 the following year.

I started IVF overseas, where it was a mandatory requirement to have counselling separated in time before commencing treatment with donor sperm. I finished up with 1 unsuccessful transfer in country 1, followed by a 8 week MC and successful pregnancy in country 2. I knew that I would not knowingly continue with a Down's pregnancy and so chose to have frozen cycles with PGD (controversial, no clear evidence of benefit).

Despite frequent suggestions by both clinics, I was clear that I would not consider donor eggs as any potential child would then have no knowledge of either genetic parent. I have deliberately used a UK donor so that my child has the right to make contact with their father at 18yrs.

In order to finish up with 3 embryos to transfer I started 7 cycles of IVF, it was expensive and all consuming.

There isn't a right answer and deciding to try doesn't guarantee that you will have a child. Best of luck in finding a way.

I've friends who've used pollen tree and just met up with men happy to donate sperm.
I'd go down that route after seeing how nicely that's worked for them.

I'd not be waiting for a bloke, you can meet one anytime, just have the baby, don't leave it too late OP x

As someone who didn't have children despite wanted them I would do it alone!

It won't stop you meeting anyone in the future z& maybe having more children, Infact I'd say that if you're a happy single parent you probably have more chance of meeting someone than if you're vetting everyone you meet as a potential dad .

hi OP I think I commented on your last thread too...

Sorry you're in this position...I've been there slightly younger than you and with worse fertility issues (and may well be there again soon!) so I totally relate and sympathise.

I don't really understand the posters rushing to say there's no point in freezing your eggs but go straight ahead with donor sperm now. The eggs will be ages 38 regardless of what you do! The stats on frozen eggs surviving now with the fast freeze technique they use are around 90%. And then if they thaw out ok when you're ready to use them, you'll have about the same chance to get pregnant as you would if you would try now... so yes, it's slightly better to try and use them now if you went straight to ivf you'll have more chance of getting pregnant if you do it all now and carry on trying for months until it happens but essentially if your eggs arent good now then using them fresh or frozen ones in a few years should be fairly similar success rates.

Do you want to be a single mum? Or would you rather be in a relationship? Because the way I look at it, if you're going ahead as a single mum by choice through IVF now, you're likely to be also choosing to be single for at least a couple of years - would you really date (and if you do, meet anyone safe and decent?!) if you're either pregnant or with a new baby? These are all just my thoughts/experiences but I decided I wanted a baby with the right person. I have frozen some eggs as that was the best option available to me at that point but I decided I would rather find the right person still than rush into having a baby alone. Least of all because of how incredibly hard it is! If they're the right person, they will support me to get pregnant naturally, through IVF, with donor eggs or sperm or adoption etc.

Honestly, I think also with the break up so new, it's not sensible to be trying to get pregnant straight away, whereas (If you can afford it) you could just get on with trying to freeze some eggs now and see how you go.

My advice is also the same as the fertility doctors - freeze some eggs and get dating seriously. Oh and I only used to date men who said they wanted children (open to wasn't good enough ha!)

This sounds like good advice. I’d go down donor sperm first and then ivf if needed. Do it alone and don’t put yourself at risk by tinder etc

the other option is to speak to a platonic male friend or a male friend in the same situation

It's a big decision to make when you're dealing with a breakup so you have my sympathy. Although it sounds like you have your head screwed on regarding the reality of his feelings towards you and also the lack of time you have to make a big decision about having children. In your position I would (and did) choose to freeze embryos. Start thinking about the positives of choosing this route as it seems like you are very focused on the negatives.

@Starlight38 there is an infertility thread in here and lots of women are doing IVF alone- try posting on the infertility thread and they will be able to advise you on Donner sperm and the process :)

@Starlight38 what about starting the IVF process while continuing to date? You’ll either feel the dating is hopeless and be glad you’re getting on with it or you’ll click with someone and second guess continuing the IVF?

I sense the hardest thing here for you is not knowing which to do and then not doing either. Which is very hard, understandably. I’d get cracking with both and I think you’ll find your answers along the way

I didn't meet exh until I was 35, got married age 36, suffered two miscarriages & was told the only way I would have a successful pregnancy was via ivf, I was also diagnosed with PCOS & was told my egg reserve was very low. The week after I got my first proper appointment at the fertility clinic I found out I was pregnant, I was 6 weeks from being 38 when he was born. I got pregnant again age 44 but sadly miscarried at 16 weeks. It is possible.

@Starlight38

I've given you advice on your previous thread, as well PM.

It's disappointing to read that you think it's "freakish" to have to choose a sperm donor, and looking at the donors photos. A lot of women myself included feel empowered by our decision to take control of our lives and are happy and confident in their choices (at least the solo mums I'm in contact with), and I'm grateful these men donated their genetic material whatever their true motivation may be, so I don't have to be back on the OLD trawling/hunting for a partner ever again (did do that for 3 years and thankfully came to my senses). My son is wonderful and I wouldn't change my situation for anything else now. I guess if you find looking for a sperm donor that unpalatable then maybe this avenue isn't for you because you'd need to be comfortable and confident with your story when your child asks about their conception, or when others enquiry about it, not ashamed or embarrassed. Others have suggested co-parenting or even ONS, so maybe that's worthwhile exploring?

As for evidence and research on donor conceived children, Donor Conception Network provides information on this. Susan Golombok is a researcher on this subject, so you may want to read her work.

@Rosiestraws
I guess different consultants give different advice. When I did my fertility MOT I was 38/39 and I certainly wasn't told to freeze my eggs even though I had an excellent clinical picture : AMH of 27 and AFC of 20 (for those who are familiar with this kind of data). I was advised to get on with the treatment asap.

The issue is nobody can confirm what the quality of your eggs is and there is no way to test this. Statistically speaking the egg quality declines (significantly?) as we near our late 30s/early 40s nobody knows exactly the rate of decline etc but conception might be harder to achieve due to chromosomal abnormalities present in the eggs' DNA and as a result miscarriages more common. The eggs would also need to be of a decent quality in order to be frozen.

You're still not at the stage of having embryos where you could 'relax' somewhat, so it's all about time vs money Vs outcome.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I saw your previous thread so this one makes a lot more sense. I would suggest speaking to an independent therapist or similar. I know you're very aware already, but fertility decreases significantly every year after 35- have you boiled it down to which you might regret more (eg. Possibly never having a child or going it alone and not waiting for the 'traditional' option to come your way)

@anthurium apologies I didn’t meant to offend . Poor choice of language. I said re trying to pick a guy on the website ‘I find the whole thing freaky’ , as I’ve never been on a sperm bank website before and its all very new and unusual and takes some time to take in what I’m thinking about doing.

I’ve read a book called ‘Going Solo: My Choice to Become a Single Mother Using a Donor’ and I’m about to start ‘Liv’s alone’. I’ll have a look at the research you mentioned , thank you.

it’s certainly not that I find this unpalatable it’s just that I’m a bit of an emotional mess at the moment and very panicked and don’t phrase things well. My sister who has 2 kids with her husband said exactly what you’ve said when I discussed me maybe going solo - she said that it would be empowering.

@Starlight38 I am in the exact same situation. Same age. I was in a relationship for 4 years though and I left as he didn’t want anymore kids (he already had 2) Now I’m 38 and wondering did I make the right decision? As it now feels like for me to have kids i either need to meet someone largely based on them wanting kids too or go solo. But like you, Im not sure sperm donor would be for me. I wish I could be brave enough to do it solo but I also have all these thoughts that stop me. I worry about the other siblings out there I don’t know about, how would that work? Unlikely I know, but what if they meet up not knowing and start a relationship?! Also I do question if it is selfish to bring a child into the world knowing they won’t have a dad from day one? And what if I only have one and can’t get pregnant again? Then they are an only child with no father and just me? And in that case what if something happens to me? Then they are alone in this big world. These are just some thoughts that worry me. So then I think should I just accept kids aren’t in my future? But then I may as well have stayed with my ex. Ahh what a mess! Please can I ask where did you have your Fertility MOT done, was it expensive? X

@Rollerskates22 im sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing. It’s scary isn’t it ! You may well be fine though and have good results ! Ironically I had the MOT done for peace of mind, expected to get great results as my mother my sister at 36, me at 40, bro at 42 and other sister at 44. I told the dr this and he said you never know she may have had low Ovarian reserve too and got pregnant anyway

i went to the lister and they did an AMH and scan and had an appt with a consultant . I think it was about 400 quid. There’s a clinic called argc that I wondered about which would do a more full on monitoring cycle and more blood work. An appt with them plus consultation is probs more like 1k.

the difficult thing re AMH and follicle count is that it’s not a clear predictor of anything . It doesn’t mean that I need ivf , it doesn’t mean that I can’t conceive now (I’ve never even tried, no clue!) it just means the eggs are lower but also these hormones fluctuate. I’ve also read ‘it starts with the egg ‘ and on changing supplements the AMH improved , which makes me wonder what does it all really mean ?

there are lots of women on here with very low AMH who got pregnant naturally. My fertility cons said that after he saw a women and broke the news of her low AMh she called a month later saying she got pregnant naturally

what do you reckon you’ll do ? Are you on dating apps now ?

@Starlight38 yes it’s very scary, at our age I definitely feel backed into a corner. It’s not a nice place to be. I don’t want to just rush out and date someone just to have a kid. I only want a child under the right circumstances. But I felt like I needed to leave my ex to give myself that chance even though it’s probably not going to happen. I’m not on dating apps yet as me and my ex haven’t cut off yet, I’ve moved out but we are finding it hard to let go as we didn’t break up because we didn’t love each other, we just wanted different things. I would love the chance of having a child but it just feels wrong (for me personally) to do it on my own. I want someone to share the special moments with and I also would want them to have a dad. My dad died when I was young so I missed out on a lot of dad stuff, and I wouldn’t want to do that by choice to someone else. I think once I manage to distance from my ex more I will go on dating apps. And then just see. I guess if I don’t meet someone within the next couple of years I will accept it’s not meant to be. I have been pregnant before but when I was in my mid 20s and I miscarried at 3 months. Obviously being 38 now means my window is closing so I will get a check done this month just to give me an idea. Are you ready to date again now?

OP, I would have zero qualms going down the sperm donor route, sounds like a better option than your ex. You need to be decisive I think, either you want kids or not.