I'm 38, recently single and freaking out about my fertility and missing out on children. Has anyone been in this situation and can anyone please advise?

[Starlight38]

Hi bit of background about me: I'm 38, I broke up with my 44 yr old bf of a year 2 weeks ago because he was saying he wasn't sure about having children for ages. 2 months ago I did a fertility MOT and it turns out I have reduced ovarian reserve (AMH 1.6 pmol and AFC 7). Finally I just asked him to make a decision and said I wanted to TTC now he was like absolutely not so we broke up. It's really depressing as only a few weeks ago he was saying he was 75% there re marriage and children, and when I called him last week to see if there was even a glimmer of hope after we'd broken up he sounded pretty unbothered and said he'd made peace with the idea of never having children, that having children with me wasn't the issue, it was children full stop. Said he loves me etc etc, but that he can't keep on with his indecision and he should be more excited about having children than he is. I said to him that I'm going to end up having to go down a sperm donor route as I might miss the boat and really wanted it to be him, not a donor. He was like 'do what you have to do', then called me back saying he didn't mean to sound harsh. I think if he truly loved me he wouldn't be ok with me having a sperm donor. He said that if he changes his mind re children he'll get in touch but to assume he won't. I've just cut off all contact now.

I've been really panicking about what to do next. If I didn't have my dog I don't know how I'd have coped to be completely honest. Lots of people on mumsnet said get a sperm donor and do it alone. I've got as far as googling a bank and paying to see adult photos and I found one that looked ok but I just find the whole thing freaky and I'm not sure I can do it. I feel really devastated by the idea of having to go down this route and it's freaking me out. I'm also really really worried about having a child because I want one and then the child growing into an adult with lots of identity issues and depression etc because they have never met their dad. It's different when born from a one night stand, at least you know your mother met the guy and they had a night of passion etc. the idea of being ordered off the net and haven't even spoken to them is hard to get my head around.

Pretty much everyone on this has said don't bother freezing your eggs, they will be crap at 38. I went to the Lister and ARGC who both recommended doing it and I've also been taking all the supplements from 'it starts with the egg' - that feels like the only bit of 'control' I have over anything at the moment tbh.

So now I'm in this situation whereby I don't know what to do.

1. I know that definitely freezing eggs I need to do, even if it doesn't work I want to try that .
2. do I also freeze embryos with a donor so that if I don't meet anyone they are there as a back up plan?
3. Is there any hope of me meeting someone and having children the old fashioned way? I have hinge and bumble and I'm feeling so depressed tbh. bf I just broke up with said he was 'open to children' on his profile, then said he wanted them and then backed out. Is there a better way of meeting someone? surely there must be some men who do want families?

tbh at 38 I feel like on these apps the guys who want a family have filtered me out as think I'm too old, and so I'm left with the older guys who will just mess me around and string me along, just like my ex bf did.

sorry that's a really long post but I'm so stressed and would appreciate any views or help from anyone out there.

Thanks so much

@xfan I said this to him. He said that it was ridiculous to think that he doesn’t love me as if he didn’t he’d have made a decision ages ago and left. He said the last few months have been awful after the test results but he stuck around and started having therapy and this was all he discussed. He said if he didn’t why would he bother? Probably worth mentioning he has quite bad ocd and anxiety . He said the issue is sleepless nights, lack of freedom etc. from about 4 he thought they’d be ok.

interestingly he told me a while ago that he went on a few dates with a girl who ended up ghosting him and explaining later that she got a sperm donor and was pregnant. She was about 38 and said she realised a relationship would take a long time to develop. He later said it was more 4 months not a few dates. Pattern really isn’t there

I’m sure this was a joke, but it’s a pretty shit one,
basically find a man with a pulse and a working penis to be your sperm donor and make sure that he has a decent job as he will be paying for your Child Support for the next 18 years,

There was a thread the other week titled something like “men don’t date women in their late 30’s”, And I can see why now.

@Musttryharder2021

I know not everyone has male friends but many women do. I have 3 male friends (2 homosexual) who I've been close since high school and Uni.

With them I'd be more comfortable to ask them for their sperm.

As you said, of course legal papers would be needed in such case.

In the absence of this donor sperm would be the next choice.

You misunderstood, it's not about the lack of male friends, it's the assumption that they would be willing to just give their gametes to their single female friends No man gay or straight would be ignorant enough to not consider the legal aspects of your proposition

The assumption that male friends are single and willing sperm donors seems a stretch! My male friends are all married apart from one who I certainly wouldn't want to have a baby with! Even if he was willing to donate sperm! Can't imagine asking married male friends would be a good idea haha.

I've had a cursory look of the responses and what's become obvious is how some posters think that getting pregnant on a ONS, a "male friend", a married man is more (societally) acceptable then going down the regulated clinic route. Of course some posters did suggest to go down this route, but there is an overwhelming support to try and get a man in the picture even though it isn't really a stable set up.

Do some soul searching. If you want a baby alone have one via the proper medical route, not a random ONS, not a friends sperm, not any dodgy online group.

Get a sperm donor and have your baby if you want to be a mother. You only get one window of opportunity for this. Men/partners come and go. Plenty people date with kids, remarry later in life etc. you could meet someone get pregnant then they could leave. You could be with someone 10 years have a baby then decide you don’t love them. I think I’d rather know my mum wanted me so much she went out and did it alone. My mum got pregnant accidentally with my dad they ended up splitting up, on and off, he already had older children. I definitely was not planned but suspect she felt she had to keep me. Id rather be wanted. Just because the child knows their dad there’s no guarantee they’ll be a good one. I barely saw my dad and he makes minimal effort now. My mum was more than enough and I think if you’re willing to go sperm donor the child will know how wanted they were. You could meet a guy who will then leave you and baby and have nothing to do with baby, that would surely give them more of an identity crisis. Good luck.

I was 36 when I decided that I didn't want to keep dating and I went to a clinic. I had four rounds of IUI and then moved to IVF. The clinic had their own sperm bank and did extensive genetic screening. When I was at the point of selecting donors they sent me two profiles (no photo) but it gave eye and hair colour, height and weight, and then lots of other information. It wasn't cheap, but my daughter is now almost four and was worth it.

My clinic had an open session where I could meet staff, see the facilities and learn about the process with no commitment. The staff were great and really supportive, and there was a compulsory session with a counsellor before treatment could start.

I thought long and hard about known vs anonymous donor and went for the anon route. The Donor Conception Network has some good resources and I read a few books about solo parenting before I made my final decision. I also talked to people who had used a donor.

I am very happy to answer questions if you want to PM me.

Just go for it. Listen to the science and the stats regarding egg /embryo freezing and don't make an emotional decision on this that could cost you alot. Personally wouldn't bother with it. It's just kicking the ball down the road really and giving you the false impression that you can buy time.

What is to stop you continuing to date and pursue solo fertility treatment simultaneously. If things are getting serious with someone and the exclusive conversation comes up be honest with them. They might offer to help out. Check out ivf donor sperm in other countries. You might need a few tries and it could happen straight away or take a few years so continue living for your sanity!

I was firmly on the route of solo fertility treatment after a breakup over the kids issue. Ended up meeting someone and things worked out. I can understand what you're feeling but if you have good family and friends support just go for it
First year is hard but it's also very special.

Also. It only takes 1 good egg. I had borderline low amh and a contradictory decent afc. I have fallen pregnant very quickly 3 times, early to late 30s. You need to be aware of increased risk of miscarriage. Get cracking and manage your expectations.

Sorry about your ex but if he did honestly love you he'd have been more clear and not wasted your time. You haven't time to mope over him. Time to put him in the past.

Use this as a stepping stone to determine what YOU want out of a relationship & then stop worrying. When your boundaries are firm, its amazing how it attracts the right type of men.

At 39 I was kicking out a narcissistic ex & dealing with his stalking, leaving me never wanting a relationship again & boy were my boundaries firm on what I might accept.

At 41 I was marrying an old friend I'd lost touch with & having his DC & we are still happily married 20 years later

It can happen

Did you "settle"? Why would you just get in touch with an old friend, was it the biological clock ticking loudly?

No, not at all @xfan, I wasn't that bothered by having DCs tbh, but so glad I did. It was actually a fluke that we met up again & we're both single. We'd always got on well, always found each other attractive, but were in relationships with others & we are both loyal types, even with shit DPs & so didn't look at each other properly in that way.

Checked back on this thread and just wanted to add that of you do go it alone FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT USE A MALE FRIEND.

I think you should spend the next 6 months researching. Date some men, recover from your break up, talk to women using donor sperm, think about your own life and what a baby would change…but put a time limit on it and at the end of that time you make a decision.

Loads of kids grow up with only one parent. This is a modern take on it, but it’s a very common situation.

I have been married for 18 years in September, but if I found myself single I would certainly get in touch with some old friends. I don't think this suggests settling necessarily.

@Goodskin46
What does it suggest? I'd be very suspicious of why someone would bother with me NOW and didn't 20 years ago? Other than to settle because they have run out of other options....

I had my last two aged 38 and 40. I also advised two single friends (one was in a fwb relationship) that if they wanted children then think about sperm donors. I know they wanted children.

They only wanted kids with someone so now they are still both single and have no kids (in their 50s). They have pets and seem happy .

I would definitely had gone down any route necessary to have kids because that is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted that is non negotiable.

I had my only at 40 through IVF (for a pre-existing genetic condition, not for fertility - that was fine). He is profoundly autistic and while I adore DS, objectively speaking it has ruined my life and DH’s (albeit to a lesser extent).

The reaction of clinicians to finding out age of parents + ASC diagnosis in child is basically <shrug> yeah that’s what happens. But I hadn’t considered anything above the usual NIPTY etc.

I wish people would consider this. In your position OP I would go to a clinic now, but please also consider that there are many risks and conditions associated with older motherhood and fatherhood for which no tests exist.

@Musti
You gave good advice, sadly a lot of women hold out for too long, or despite financial stability and family support still want to have a family with a partner and won't consider any other alternative.

For me too, it was non negotiable and thankfully, I came to my senses aged 38/3, got off dating apps and used a sperm donor, and am grateful every morning to see my little boy's face. It's been life changing in a way I couldn't even conceive of before and the making of me.

@Musti I’m glad it worked out for you. How long did it take for you to decide on it? I’ve finally decided I’m going to get a sperm donor and freeze embryos. Who knows my eggs may be awful and it doesn’t work but I’ll have a good idea re egg quality by doing this first. I’m not ready yet to have a child yet as would like to save more and recover from this breakup, and of course ideally I’d like to meet someone. but I don’t want to find in 2 years time it’s too late and I didn’t at least try the embryo freezing. I have heard frozen embryo transfer is slightly more successful than fresh in any case. It will also tell me if the eggs were rubbish and freezing would have been a waste of time…

www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/egg-freezing-failure-real-life-story

this article was helpful

I really hope this decision brings you peace OP.

It's so hard being a woman and feeling like this. It's hard to find the right man and it's hard to get yourself in the right space to be having kids.