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Original poster

I need to leave him…AGAIN

88 replies

User101023 · 01/08/2022 19:01

NC as I don’t want this linked to my other threads.

This is a mess so please bare with me!

Been with DP for 14 years since I was 18. He has DS 18 and we have DD 12. I met him on the rebound of love (toxic) love of my life) I got pregnant young and quickly and felt motivated to make it work and we have built a lovely life - both professionals, house etc. kids happy eyc

I love him, like a best best friend, but I have never been in love with him (crikey feel sick even typing this!)

he is a really good bloke who adores me and the kids. No complaints - no rational reason to hate him at all!

sex life always been lacking as I’m not really attracted to him. It’s terrible currently.

last year I was brave and ended it - he moved out and our DD actually said to me she was pleased as she knew I wasn’t happy - he stepped up, paid maintenance and see her.

about 2 months in I had a crisis of confidence realised I knew no different than life with him - within 5 mins he was on the sofa like nothing had changed. Within a day or two I knew I made a mistake but we had some pretty serious family issues to deal with and Christmas was coming up so I just grinned and bared it. In the new year I really tried to fall in love with him to make it work, but it just doesn’t work I can’t force feelings anymore.

Here we are 7 months later and I fantasise about him leaving me! I wish he would cheat on me or find someone else to love - I have even joked he should! I don’t miss him when he works away (he always has). He seems oblivious but lately has been pestering for sex more which I hate because it’s not his fault I have literally created a whole fake life for the last 15 years!

But can I leave him AGAIN?

OP posts:
midairchallenger · 01/08/2022 19:07

Of course you can. Just take a deep breath and get on with it.

And this time you'll know that when you feel wobbly the answer is to ride it out not to run backwards. Move forwards.

All emotions are transient even when they feel like they'll last forever. Deep breath and ride them out.

Original poster
User101023 · 01/08/2022 19:43

@midairchallenger thank you. I just feel terrible. Worse the 2nd time round. He was devastated when I told him to leave before. I can’t believe I have been so stupid to invite him back 🫢

OP posts:
SlickShady · 01/08/2022 19:52

Sorry but you don't sound like a nice person at all. And that's putting it mildly. Why do you think you're entitled to hurt another person, your partner and parent of your child no less, simply because you're to selfish to make an effort emotionally? Rather than dumping him, you should be thinking how can you make this work and what can you do to kindle the love.

cheeseislife8 · 01/08/2022 19:56

You can't force it, if you don't love him it's done.

Haffiana · 01/08/2022 20:00

SlickShady · 01/08/2022 19:52

Sorry but you don't sound like a nice person at all. And that's putting it mildly. Why do you think you're entitled to hurt another person, your partner and parent of your child no less, simply because you're to selfish to make an effort emotionally? Rather than dumping him, you should be thinking how can you make this work and what can you do to kindle the love.

She has given it 14 years. I rather think she has reached the end of trying to make an effort, don't you?

SlickShady · 01/08/2022 20:06

Haffiana · 01/08/2022 20:00

She has given it 14 years. I rather think she has reached the end of trying to make an effort, don't you?

Show quote history

Passage of time doesn't equal effort. It doesn't seem like she's made much effort at all, if any. It appears she decided fairly early on that she's unhappy, but 'stuck it out', rather than trying to actually become happy.

People can grow on each other. If she would make the effort to actually try and fall in love with him, and there's plenty of advice available on how to do that, I'm pretty sure she'd succeed.

midairchallenger · 01/08/2022 20:10

Give over.

Haffiana · 01/08/2022 20:20

People can grow on each other. If she would make the effort to actually try and fall in love with him, and there's plenty of advice available on how to do that, I'm pretty sure she'd succeed.

What are you here for?

Suzi888 · 01/08/2022 20:25

User101023 · 01/08/2022 19:43

@midairchallenger thank you. I just feel terrible. Worse the 2nd time round. He was devastated when I told him to leave before. I can’t believe I have been so stupid to invite him back 🫢

Well I would say get on with it, stop using him and let him get on with the rest of his life.

Original poster
User101023 · 01/08/2022 20:30

SlickShady · 01/08/2022 19:52

Sorry but you don't sound like a nice person at all. And that's putting it mildly. Why do you think you're entitled to hurt another person, your partner and parent of your child no less, simply because you're to selfish to make an effort emotionally? Rather than dumping him, you should be thinking how can you make this work and what can you do to kindle the love.

You can’t make me feel more terrible than I do. Although it may not come across as such, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

He is working away currently so been upstairs with DD playing a board game and I honestly can’t believe where the time has gone. I have never cheated on him, always been kind to him, never married him (even though he has asked) like I say - he is my best friend - the reason I’m still here is because I can’t bear hurting him, especially not again!

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 01/08/2022 20:30

cheeseislife8 · 01/08/2022 19:56

You can't force it, if you don't love him it's done.

I know 😣

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 01/08/2022 20:35

Be kind and let him go.

Startagain51 · 01/08/2022 21:21

You have one life. I'm sure you've tried your best.

If it helps, by staying you are denying him the chance of a relationship with someone who really loves him, wants to shag his brains out, wants to marry him.

And of course, you are denying yourself the opportunity to be that person with your Mr. Right.

Original poster
User101023 · 01/08/2022 22:28

I know what I need to do, just breaks my heart. He honestly is my best friend, knows me inside out and we have/had the best times. I know that if I ended it again, that would have to be it. No more days out, watching the same series on TV etc, calling him the second anything in my life happened because he would always be my ex and I couldn’t give him false hope.

I just feel terrible. When DD was about 1 I packed all our things while he was away working and had her in the car seat ready to leave, I bottled because ironically I didnt want to hurt him. I think back on that moment a lot and think how stupid I was - by now we could both be happy and I’m sure he would have been the best dad as he has been to his older child.

OP posts:
Dery · 01/08/2022 22:34

You have mentioned telling him to leave. Since you are the one ending the relationship and he has been good to you, shouldn’t you be the one leaving your home and building a new one for yourself and your DC? You might feel a bit less guilty about it then. At the moment, you’re proposing to deprive him of his relationship with you and his home. That doesn’t seem right to me.

You can’t avoid hurting him since you feel this way but his pain will pass and he will likely find a woman who can love him back. And hopefully you will find a man you love, too.

GOATtheAcronym · 02/08/2022 03:04

User101023 · 01/08/2022 20:30

You can’t make me feel more terrible than I do. Although it may not come across as such, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

He is working away currently so been upstairs with DD playing a board game and I honestly can’t believe where the time has gone. I have never cheated on him, always been kind to him, never married him (even though he has asked) like I say - he is my best friend - the reason I’m still here is because I can’t bear hurting him, especially not again!

Show quote history

Perhaps I'm missing something, but if he really is a lovely person, and you actually like him, why don't you try falling in love with him? By that I mean doing romantic stuff to try and connect on an intimate level. Surely if you succeeded that would be the preferred outcome by far.

Perple · 02/08/2022 04:15

I think you have no obligation to stay with him. But I do think it’s appalling you expect him to move out of his home. Apparently with very little notice! Where do you expect him to go?

how will the financials work after you break up?

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2022 05:52

What's with all the suggestions that the OP tries to fall in love with this man.

She describes him as her best friend, she's never been in love and they have a child. It's been 14 years. If it were going to happen, it would have done so by now.

OP, I had s similar LTR. I should have left him sooner. In the end, he met someone and fell in love. It was the best thing for both if us. I could never have forced myself to stay with him. I loved him as a friend but he made my skin crawl otherwise.

I lost my best friend, yes, but we are both now with people we love and who love us.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/08/2022 06:32

I'm a bit shocked by how you have treated / are treating your DP.

This stood out

When DD was about 1 I packed all our things while he was away working and had her in the car seat ready to leave,

In the absence of abuse, this seems awful - you were going to just leave? With his DD too, with no discussion?

You are not wrong to have ended it, if you are unhappy. Taking him back and now wanting to end it again 7 months on, is really poor behaviour. You are absolutely messing him around, unfairly.

I wonder if it would be worth getting some counselling, to understand your own feelings, even going back to the start of the relationship & the previous 'toxic' love-of-your-life relationship?

You can't force a relationship & you of course have the right to leave an unhappy one. But I wonder if there counselling would help understand why you made the decisions you did, and if ending it is truly what you want.

If you do, it needs to be respectfully & honestly done, particularly in respect to your DP's feelings.

Mally100 · 02/08/2022 06:59

SlickShady · 01/08/2022 19:52

Sorry but you don't sound like a nice person at all. And that's putting it mildly. Why do you think you're entitled to hurt another person, your partner and parent of your child no less, simply because you're to selfish to make an effort emotionally? Rather than dumping him, you should be thinking how can you make this work and what can you do to kindle the love.

Agree. Fair enough you left him the first time but then you called him back because you needed him. And now that it doesn't suit you, you want to throw him out again. You can't use people like that, it's horrible of you. Decide and end it finally, but stop toying and using him like that.

LynetteScavo · 02/08/2022 07:41

If you don't want to live with him fair enough, you've given it a good go. But why would he be the one leaving? He's not the one who doesn't want to be with you in the family home. I really think it should be you who leaves if you're not happy.

Dery · 02/08/2022 07:55

And a PP makes a very good point upthread: you talk about a toxic love of your life before your partner but you were only 18 when you got together with your partner. It’s very unlikely that the guy you dated as a teenager is the love of your life. You may be mistaking the intensity of first love for love of your life but they are different things. Many of us felt very passionately about our first loves but just imagine how skewed life would be if the person you loved as a teenager was the love of your life.

It sounds like you found a loving, caring functional man but don’t really understand that true and enduring love is not about the crazy highs and lows which come with a dysfunctional relationship. They are toxic but addictive because the instability generates a certain unreliable passion. Robin Norwood’s Women Who Love Too Much is very good on this. You might find it interesting to read.

ladydimitrescu · 02/08/2022 08:11

LynetteScavo · 02/08/2022 07:41

If you don't want to live with him fair enough, you've given it a good go. But why would he be the one leaving? He's not the one who doesn't want to be with you in the family home. I really think it should be you who leaves if you're not happy.

Completely agree

stayinghometoday · 02/08/2022 08:51

You're taking away years from his life where he could move on and be happy with someone who does love him.

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2022 08:52

ladydimitrescu · 02/08/2022 08:11

Completely agree

Show quote history

Also completely agree, both due to the awful emotional and financial strain and nightmare that's been occurring. Where did he live when you told him to move out the first time? Every thing is about you and the affect I know that if I ended it again, that would have to be it. No more days out, watching the same series on TV etc, calling him the second anything in my life happened because he would always be my ex and I couldn’t give him false hope.

Of course that would be cruel to him, and pretty self important of you to think he won't move on and will always pine for you!
Not to mention the confusion for your daughter!
How on earth did you explain your plan to leave when she was 11? Are you making her keep that a secret?

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