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Original poster

I need to leave him…AGAIN

88 replies

User101023 · 01/08/2022 19:01

NC as I don’t want this linked to my other threads.

This is a mess so please bare with me!

Been with DP for 14 years since I was 18. He has DS 18 and we have DD 12. I met him on the rebound of love (toxic) love of my life) I got pregnant young and quickly and felt motivated to make it work and we have built a lovely life - both professionals, house etc. kids happy eyc

I love him, like a best best friend, but I have never been in love with him (crikey feel sick even typing this!)

he is a really good bloke who adores me and the kids. No complaints - no rational reason to hate him at all!

sex life always been lacking as I’m not really attracted to him. It’s terrible currently.

last year I was brave and ended it - he moved out and our DD actually said to me she was pleased as she knew I wasn’t happy - he stepped up, paid maintenance and see her.

about 2 months in I had a crisis of confidence realised I knew no different than life with him - within 5 mins he was on the sofa like nothing had changed. Within a day or two I knew I made a mistake but we had some pretty serious family issues to deal with and Christmas was coming up so I just grinned and bared it. In the new year I really tried to fall in love with him to make it work, but it just doesn’t work I can’t force feelings anymore.

Here we are 7 months later and I fantasise about him leaving me! I wish he would cheat on me or find someone else to love - I have even joked he should! I don’t miss him when he works away (he always has). He seems oblivious but lately has been pestering for sex more which I hate because it’s not his fault I have literally created a whole fake life for the last 15 years!

But can I leave him AGAIN?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 02/08/2022 08:59

You are messing him and your children about, the stepchild is not inconsequential in this either. He needs honesty from you about your feelings so he can move on.

it is telling you want him to do something to make you look like a victim. I mean that is toxic.

Tell him the truth. Be the one to move out. You have wasted his life. The deception is on you and you should make it right.

Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 09:45

GOATtheAcronym · 02/08/2022 03:04

Perhaps I'm missing something, but if he really is a lovely person, and you actually like him, why don't you try falling in love with him? By that I mean doing romantic stuff to try and connect on an intimate level. Surely if you succeeded that would be the preferred outcome by far.

Show quote history

I just don’t fancy him - my feelings for him are purely platonic 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 09:48

Perple · 02/08/2022 04:15

I think you have no obligation to stay with him. But I do think it’s appalling you expect him to move out of his home. Apparently with very little notice! Where do you expect him to go?

how will the financials work after you break up?

It would be easier for him to move, his parents live locally in a 4 bed house. My family all live abroad so nowhere to stay - plus I work from our home (rented) even before lockdown (and I have A-LOT of animals - all above board with the landlords etc - think small holding) and they are my thing not his, if I felt it would be ages and ages before I would be able to move and with working away he wouldn’t be able to look after the animals. Thinking of this, it’s probably a large reason I have always put off ending it in some ways

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 09:50

Perple · 02/08/2022 04:15

I think you have no obligation to stay with him. But I do think it’s appalling you expect him to move out of his home. Apparently with very little notice! Where do you expect him to go?

how will the financials work after you break up?

I could manage financially as could be. Be tighter, sure but we have a joint account for bills and our own money.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 09:51

You're still young and have a chance to have your own life. He deserves someone who loves him like he loves you. Your daughter knows you're unhappy.

This current situation isn't fair on anyone.

Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 09:52

GreyCarpet · 02/08/2022 05:52

What's with all the suggestions that the OP tries to fall in love with this man.

She describes him as her best friend, she's never been in love and they have a child. It's been 14 years. If it were going to happen, it would have done so by now.

OP, I had s similar LTR. I should have left him sooner. In the end, he met someone and fell in love. It was the best thing for both if us. I could never have forced myself to stay with him. I loved him as a friend but he made my skin crawl otherwise.

I lost my best friend, yes, but we are both now with people we love and who love us.

Thank you for your comment. It’s true, aside from being my best mate - he makes be cringe when he wants to be affectionate (and I can’t tell you how awful I feel writing this).

How did you feel when he came to you to say he had met someone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 09:56

EarringsandLipstick · 02/08/2022 06:32

I'm a bit shocked by how you have treated / are treating your DP.

This stood out

When DD was about 1 I packed all our things while he was away working and had her in the car seat ready to leave,

In the absence of abuse, this seems awful - you were going to just leave? With his DD too, with no discussion?

You are not wrong to have ended it, if you are unhappy. Taking him back and now wanting to end it again 7 months on, is really poor behaviour. You are absolutely messing him around, unfairly.

I wonder if it would be worth getting some counselling, to understand your own feelings, even going back to the start of the relationship & the previous 'toxic' love-of-your-life relationship?

You can't force a relationship & you of course have the right to leave an unhappy one. But I wonder if there counselling would help understand why you made the decisions you did, and if ending it is truly what you want.

If you do, it needs to be respectfully & honestly done, particularly in respect to your DP's feelings.

I would have told him, I don’t think I would have actually left without saying anything. I suppose I’m trying to demonstrate that I have always felt like this. It’s not just a ‘getting bored in my LTR’ scenario.

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 10:00

User101023 · 02/08/2022 09:56

I would have told him, I don’t think I would have actually left without saying anything. I suppose I’m trying to demonstrate that I have always felt like this. It’s not just a ‘getting bored in my LTR’ scenario.

Show quote history

Sorry and on the point of counselling, I have had counselling for different thinks over the years and most of the outcomes are that I am too much of a people pleaser (my promotion to quite high management at my age probably demonstrates that too!) and my self esteems lacks so I bury my feelings - likely because my own father left us when I was a kid and constantly let me down, we are NC now: but as the eldest of 3, I never showed my emotion about it because my younger siblings were bereft and I suppose they got the attention and my mother didn’t need another upset child on her hands when she was struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 10:06

Dery · 02/08/2022 07:55

And a PP makes a very good point upthread: you talk about a toxic love of your life before your partner but you were only 18 when you got together with your partner. It’s very unlikely that the guy you dated as a teenager is the love of your life. You may be mistaking the intensity of first love for love of your life but they are different things. Many of us felt very passionately about our first loves but just imagine how skewed life would be if the person you loved as a teenager was the love of your life.

It sounds like you found a loving, caring functional man but don’t really understand that true and enduring love is not about the crazy highs and lows which come with a dysfunctional relationship. They are toxic but addictive because the instability generates a certain unreliable passion. Robin Norwood’s Women Who Love Too Much is very good on this. You might find it interesting to read.

I agree with this. Even at 17/18 exbf was a total nightmare, cheating, drinking etc - it would 100% never have worked and I don’t miss this guy but I do agree it was a couple of years of deep infatuation/interest.! This isn’t about me wanting another bloke or relationship. But definitely my early life experiences have probably made me crave a dependable man!

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 10:12

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2022 08:52

Also completely agree, both due to the awful emotional and financial strain and nightmare that's been occurring. Where did he live when you told him to move out the first time? Every thing is about you and the affect I know that if I ended it again, that would have to be it. No more days out, watching the same series on TV etc, calling him the second anything in my life happened because he would always be my ex and I couldn’t give him false hope.

Of course that would be cruel to him, and pretty self important of you to think he won't move on and will always pine for you!
Not to mention the confusion for your daughter!
How on earth did you explain your plan to leave when she was 11? Are you making her keep that a secret?

Show quote history

DD wasn’t 11, she was 1 and doesnt know anything about that. As far as she is concerned she has a nice life with mum & dad, but as I said before when we separated last time she mentioned to me I seemed happier. Equally she was happy when her dad came back as it’s not a bad relationship on the surface or for anyone other than me really.

I honestly hope he wouldn’t pine for me that’s the opposite of what I would want but equally the rug will have been pulled so I can’t imagine he would just be totally fine straight away.

I know I’m awful - but honestly the reason I am here is for him that’s it. He doesn’t deserve to have his life changed like this

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 10:14

LemonTT · 02/08/2022 08:59

You are messing him and your children about, the stepchild is not inconsequential in this either. He needs honesty from you about your feelings so he can move on.

it is telling you want him to do something to make you look like a victim. I mean that is toxic.

Tell him the truth. Be the one to move out. You have wasted his life. The deception is on you and you should make it right.

I didn’t mean for it to sound toxic more than I would like for him to meet someone that truely loves him. I would 100% not play the victim if this happened! The only thing I would get from it is maybe some relief.

OP posts:
Staynow · 02/08/2022 10:16

My husband was never attracted to me - he wasted 25 years of my life. Stop messing your poor 'security blanket' husband around, do him a massive favour, and leave him. My DH was obsessed with an ex who treated him like shit too and a people pleaser. He ticks all the boxes for vulnerable narcissist - maybe you do too?

bluegardenflowers · 02/08/2022 10:22

Yes, ask him to leave, but it was an incredibly cruel thing to do to give him another chance with you. Just do it.

Algbu6 · 02/08/2022 10:33

I can absolutely see why posters have got confused and have suggested you try fall back in love, thing is it's been going on years.

What I don't understand is how have you lasted?? You have been very cruel. The part that is confusing is you seem to want the relationship as friends... the way you speak upon "watching a TV programme". When I fell out of love with me ex... I didn't have any desires like that at all!

You need to have a Frank conversation you can't just end things with no proper explaining to your OH! Even speaking on him moving out is your main concern it's all about you OP.

BadNomad · 02/08/2022 11:11

Stop stringing him along just because you don't know how to be on your own. I really hope you aren't his best friend.

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2022 11:53

User101023 · 02/08/2022 09:48

It would be easier for him to move, his parents live locally in a 4 bed house. My family all live abroad so nowhere to stay - plus I work from our home (rented) even before lockdown (and I have A-LOT of animals - all above board with the landlords etc - think small holding) and they are my thing not his, if I felt it would be ages and ages before I would be able to move and with working away he wouldn’t be able to look after the animals. Thinking of this, it’s probably a large reason I have always put off ending it in some ways

Show quote history

So not about him being around for his daughter? Its to be looking after your animals?
It gets worse! Can you afford this property on your on with your income plus maintenance for your daughter. You'd be delusional if you think he should pay for their upkeep too!

Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 12:06

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2022 11:53

So not about him being around for his daughter? Its to be looking after your animals?
It gets worse! Can you afford this property on your on with your income plus maintenance for your daughter. You'd be delusional if you think he should pay for their upkeep too!

Show quote history

I don’t entirely believe him staying here for our daughter would be a good plan. His parents live really locally, when we separated before he did come here to see DD but also she went there.

yes I could afford to live here in my own - I am the main earner (not a huge margin but I pay 75% of house bills and all food shopping etc as he pays maintenance for his older DC. it’s just the way it’s been for last about 8 years when I over took his salary. He doesn’t pay anything for my animals. Don’t get me wrong he likes them and helps occasionally but they are my hobby, he has his own hobbies which iv never stood in the way of.

and a PP asked if I was his only friend or his only best friend, definitely not, he has other friends who share his interests.

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 02/08/2022 12:08

OP with your early experiences and acknowledged shut down from emotions, do you think you allow yourself to love anyone in that way? It's risky putting your feelings on the line like that

Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 12:12

Algbu6 · 02/08/2022 10:33

I can absolutely see why posters have got confused and have suggested you try fall back in love, thing is it's been going on years.

What I don't understand is how have you lasted?? You have been very cruel. The part that is confusing is you seem to want the relationship as friends... the way you speak upon "watching a TV programme". When I fell out of love with me ex... I didn't have any desires like that at all!

You need to have a Frank conversation you can't just end things with no proper explaining to your OH! Even speaking on him moving out is your main concern it's all about you OP.

Lasted so long? I suppose our life is good and very busy as most peoples are. Plus he has always worked away at least 3 nights a week so we have formed and lived separate lives for the most part. I believe that last year (as DD started secondary school) I just suddenly realised how many years it has been.

I will say, although we get along fine we are quite different. Nothing in common aside from some films/tv shows we like etc but I know lots of people where opposites attract

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 12:16

RewildingAmbridge · 02/08/2022 12:08

OP with your early experiences and acknowledged shut down from emotions, do you think you allow yourself to love anyone in that way? It's risky putting your feelings on the line like that

Honestly, I have no idea. I’m just struggling living with the guilt of how I feel.

To be clear, I love DD with all my heart. She is the best think that ever happened to me. She asked the other day why I didn’t have any more children- another realisation that I would never have bought another child into this relationship. After DD I knew that had to be it.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 02/08/2022 12:18

How old was he when you got together?

Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 12:22

Cherchezlaspice · 02/08/2022 12:18

How old was he when you got together?

22

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 02/08/2022 12:32

User101023 · 01/08/2022 19:01

NC as I don’t want this linked to my other threads.

This is a mess so please bare with me!

Been with DP for 14 years since I was 18. He has DS 18 and we have DD 12. I met him on the rebound of love (toxic) love of my life) I got pregnant young and quickly and felt motivated to make it work and we have built a lovely life - both professionals, house etc. kids happy eyc

I love him, like a best best friend, but I have never been in love with him (crikey feel sick even typing this!)

he is a really good bloke who adores me and the kids. No complaints - no rational reason to hate him at all!

sex life always been lacking as I’m not really attracted to him. It’s terrible currently.

last year I was brave and ended it - he moved out and our DD actually said to me she was pleased as she knew I wasn’t happy - he stepped up, paid maintenance and see her.

about 2 months in I had a crisis of confidence realised I knew no different than life with him - within 5 mins he was on the sofa like nothing had changed. Within a day or two I knew I made a mistake but we had some pretty serious family issues to deal with and Christmas was coming up so I just grinned and bared it. In the new year I really tried to fall in love with him to make it work, but it just doesn’t work I can’t force feelings anymore.

Here we are 7 months later and I fantasise about him leaving me! I wish he would cheat on me or find someone else to love - I have even joked he should! I don’t miss him when he works away (he always has). He seems oblivious but lately has been pestering for sex more which I hate because it’s not his fault I have literally created a whole fake life for the last 15 years!

But can I leave him AGAIN?

Sounds quite cruel really.

Wheresthebeach · 02/08/2022 12:34

By all means end the relationship (for his sake frankly), but stop treating him like shit. And sort your issues out before getting into another relationship.

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2022 12:44

But can I leave him AGAIN?

Just to also add, you're not 'leaving him' you're telling him to have the upheaval of moving out again, you don't actually have to do any of the graft, work or anything like that.
As pp have said, unbelievably selfish.