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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to leave him…AGAIN

88 replies

User101023 · 01/08/2022 19:01

NC as I don’t want this linked to my other threads.

This is a mess so please bare with me!

Been with DP for 14 years since I was 18. He has DS 18 and we have DD 12. I met him on the rebound of love (toxic) love of my life) I got pregnant young and quickly and felt motivated to make it work and we have built a lovely life - both professionals, house etc. kids happy eyc

I love him, like a best best friend, but I have never been in love with him (crikey feel sick even typing this!)

he is a really good bloke who adores me and the kids. No complaints - no rational reason to hate him at all!

sex life always been lacking as I’m not really attracted to him. It’s terrible currently.

last year I was brave and ended it - he moved out and our DD actually said to me she was pleased as she knew I wasn’t happy - he stepped up, paid maintenance and see her.

about 2 months in I had a crisis of confidence realised I knew no different than life with him - within 5 mins he was on the sofa like nothing had changed. Within a day or two I knew I made a mistake but we had some pretty serious family issues to deal with and Christmas was coming up so I just grinned and bared it. In the new year I really tried to fall in love with him to make it work, but it just doesn’t work I can’t force feelings anymore.

Here we are 7 months later and I fantasise about him leaving me! I wish he would cheat on me or find someone else to love - I have even joked he should! I don’t miss him when he works away (he always has). He seems oblivious but lately has been pestering for sex more which I hate because it’s not his fault I have literally created a whole fake life for the last 15 years!

But can I leave him AGAIN?

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 14:44

stillvicarinatutu · 02/08/2022 14:13

Op

I could have written your op 8 years ago.
I stayed 25 years.
Leaving was so hard . And for years I've lined for the family Xmas and days out and holidays, but I know now leaving was right .

I'm single now but had some brief sexual relationships that made me feel I'd done right - sex with dh was always awkward, embarrassing, weird .
Sex with someone you fancy is so different.
I miss the best friend aspect but he I now seeing someone and I am happy for him .
I'm single . But there was a brief moment last year where we could have got back together, and the minute he touched me I just knew I couldn't . It's all very sad and like you I met him when I was very young , had a baby at 19 and then another at 25 and just got on with it because- it worked on the whole . But I wanted more than it just working . I moved out because it was me that wanted to separate.
There are lots of things I miss - but being independent now is right for me .

Thank you for your view from the other side it’s really valuable. I know I need to be on my own and that it will be hard.

Exactly that, it just works. But I have faked a lot of enthusiasm for things like Christmas at his parents for example.

I don’t rely on him, obviously we have our own roles in the home - he mows the lawns, fixing the fences for example but he has never used the washing machine in 14 years. But that’s not why Im not in love with him.

When we did separate I felt terrible but also very motivated.

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 14:48

Musti · 02/08/2022 14:35

If he’s got an 18 year old now then he must have been older. Op got pregnant within a year of meeting him whilst still a teenager. Him, with already a failed relationship and a 5 year old kid, should have taken it more slowly or he risked it happening again.

This is on him.

I was a very different person at 18 than I was at 24 Plus. I grew up a lot and understood to take my time to decide things. Even at 22 I was more impulsive. I had gone from home to university and you need some life experience and work and relationships to make better informed decisions.

She was barely a kid. I have a 19 year old who is mature but wouldn’t advise him to marry his girlfriend yet. What is the rush?

Show quote history

Yup that’s pretty much it - young mum, step family (which I do not regret at all!!) Although I do accept responsibility for our DD of course.

I am a completely different person now. but have been doing ball my growing up with him. I went along with it because I wanted to make it work, I think the world of him (although Mumsnet may disagree) but now I can’t live with the guilt of living a double life.

We never married.

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 14:54

EarringsandLipstick · 02/08/2022 14:38

Im afraid I may have one across terribly grabby or some kind of psycho for staying all this time or something but I’m not honestly

I don't think this at all. But I do think you have been really unfair to him. However, what's done is done, and I think you need to really plan how you are going to end it. Think carefully about what you want to say, have the practical aspects thought out, and be respectful of his feelings - you have treated him badly, there's no getting away from that.

You mentioned you had counselling in the past and you sound confident that you do understand your relationship dynamic, and that you really just don't love him and no longer wish to be with him. Again, this is fine - I think what made me question it is not just that you got back with him, but he moved back in and (for him) normal life (bar sex) mostly resumed. It's not uncommon for people to reconnect but to that extent seems puzzling to me, if you were clear on your feelings and that it was over.

When it's over this time, you need to have no contact at all with him bar for DD. For his sake.

Il be honest at the time we got back together we had a series of issues within the wider family where we wanted to work together to resolve, 2 of which issues related to the kids so the reconciliation was masked by quite high stress situations at the time.

All seemed forgotten in the face of something else - although I have often thought that surely he cannot forget what I said and possibly refuses to acknowledge it. Or maybe he truly thinks it’s different now, but I can’t see how.

OP posts:
evrey · 02/08/2022 14:55

Yes you need to leave so you in the long run can both be happy. But to take him back the put him and your daughter through it all again, doesn't make you a very nice person.

Cloudylawn · 02/08/2022 15:03

Hi Op, I am in a very similar position except that I have never left. I married him as he was kind and safe, things I craved after a neglectful father and then abuse from adult boyfriend as a teen. I thought it would all be ok, that the attraction part of a relationship was just at the start anyway. I totally get everyone saying how awful and selfish it is and I have so much guilt, shame, self loathing. It’s all gradually come out and he now knows everything. He’s so so hurt but doesn’t want me to leave. I know I should but that would mean putting us all in a very difficult financial position and create so much upheaval, all when neither of us want that. It’s easy for people to say leave but when you are so emotionally dependant on a person it feels impossible even when you know it’s the right thing to do. I hope you are braver than me Op and manage to do the right thing.

StaplesCorner · 02/08/2022 15:07

@Cloudylawn i was/am in the same boat as you I think? I told my H I wanted to divorce but now comes the real struggle ☹️

StaplesCorner · 02/08/2022 15:09

(although my H was initially kind he turned into a bully - he blames me for everything all
the time anyway so I may as well
be to blame for the marriage split too!)

Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 15:30

Cloudylawn · 02/08/2022 15:03

Hi Op, I am in a very similar position except that I have never left. I married him as he was kind and safe, things I craved after a neglectful father and then abuse from adult boyfriend as a teen. I thought it would all be ok, that the attraction part of a relationship was just at the start anyway. I totally get everyone saying how awful and selfish it is and I have so much guilt, shame, self loathing. It’s all gradually come out and he now knows everything. He’s so so hurt but doesn’t want me to leave. I know I should but that would mean putting us all in a very difficult financial position and create so much upheaval, all when neither of us want that. It’s easy for people to say leave but when you are so emotionally dependant on a person it feels impossible even when you know it’s the right thing to do. I hope you are braver than me Op and manage to do the right thing.

It’s just heartbreaking isn’t it.

He is all I know really. It’s terrifying but these posts have made me realise I am being a lot more selfish and harmful than I thought I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
User101023 · 02/08/2022 15:31

StaplesCorner · 02/08/2022 15:07

@Cloudylawn i was/am in the same boat as you I think? I told my H I wanted to divorce but now comes the real struggle ☹️

My advice would be to stand strong - I should be over a year down the line now but instead I’m still here with more self loathing and guilt than I thought a person could manage tbh

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 02/08/2022 21:19

StaplesCorner · 02/08/2022 14:36

I’m going have to have this explained to me again. The OP made a mistake. She wants to split. She didn’t shag the postman. By dint of this posters are surely saying that every woman who wants to a relationship is an evil self serving bitch just because they want to leave. Is this contempt reserved for people who “try again”? Or is there a time/age limit because I’m sure I’ve exceeded it!

She said she has never been in love with him. No one deserves to be fooled for 14 years thinking their partner loves them when they never have. She should have left him long ago and certain shouldn't have welcomed him back the last time.

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2022 21:49

Absolutely agree @Ginger1982 all the posts trying to make out the op is a victim, when she herself has said its not at all the case aren't helping her.

StaplesCorner · 03/08/2022 13:18

Ok - last two posters I can see your point. Still think some posters sticking the boot in unnecessarily but yes, I understand a bit more. It’s made me reflect on my situation too. It remains that OP should split as amicably as possible for her DD’s sake.

FrancescaContini · 03/08/2022 13:26

So much drama. Yes, of course you can leave him (be).

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