I need to leave him…AGAIN

[User101023]

NC as I don’t want this linked to my other threads.

This is a mess so please bare with me!

Been with DP for 14 years since I was 18. He has DS 18 and we have DD 12. I met him on the rebound of love (toxic) love of my life) I got pregnant young and quickly and felt motivated to make it work and we have built a lovely life - both professionals, house etc. kids happy eyc

I love him, like a best best friend, but I have never been in love with him (crikey feel sick even typing this!)

he is a really good bloke who adores me and the kids. No complaints - no rational reason to hate him at all!

sex life always been lacking as I’m not really attracted to him. It’s terrible currently.

last year I was brave and ended it - he moved out and our DD actually said to me she was pleased as she knew I wasn’t happy - he stepped up, paid maintenance and see her.

about 2 months in I had a crisis of confidence realised I knew no different than life with him - within 5 mins he was on the sofa like nothing had changed. Within a day or two I knew I made a mistake but we had some pretty serious family issues to deal with and Christmas was coming up so I just grinned and bared it. In the new year I really tried to fall in love with him to make it work, but it just doesn’t work I can’t force feelings anymore.

Here we are 7 months later and I fantasise about him leaving me! I wish he would cheat on me or find someone else to love - I have even joked he should! I don’t miss him when he works away (he always has). He seems oblivious but lately has been pestering for sex more which I hate because it’s not his fault I have literally created a whole fake life for the last 15 years!

But can I leave him AGAIN?

You've basically strung him along for 14 years and stopped him meeting someone who might genuinely love and fancy him. Leaving him is the least you can do.

You're getting a very hard time here OP and I don't think it's fair. I think a lot of people are projecting.

You've also explained why it makes clear sense for him to move, not you.

Everyone makes mistakes. You haven't had an affair, you haven't been cruel to him intentionally. You gave it 14 years, you even tried again when you probably knows it wasn't right...

He will be sad but he will be much more sad if this goes on for many more years.

Give yourself a break. Make a decision. Do it kindly. Stick to it.

I wasn’t worried about your financials I was thikkng of him!!! I suspect you are going to expect him to continue to contribute so that you can maintain your lifestyle with your animals and small holding while he moves in with his parents.

there is nothing easy about a grown up man having to move in with his parents. If you need a place so you can keep your animals then you can find a place.

honestly you sound entitled and self absorbed.

@Perple have you not read the Op's posts? She pays 75% of the bills - and 100% for her animals. If anything, she's being taken for a ride here not him,

@roarfeckingroarr how is she being taken for a ride? She's the main earner so pays a higher proportion of bills. Isn't that the MN way?

It's also something that gets called cocklodging. I earn more than my partner but we share the bills down the middle. I'm not here to subsidise another adult.

As someone who has posted on here today for support to split, after a 33 year marriage, I feel I have wandered into the twilight zone. Its this Nethuns? If the OP wants to split from her partner then that's it, its very sad and they'll need to come to an arrangement over property and children, but I don't see how the general advice "you can leave a relationship for any reason" (which applies to men as well) is not being offered here? The OP made a mistake asking him back, as long as she makes this a final decision now, why is she being unfair to ask for a divorce?

Yes you should split up and it should be permanent and you should entertain no thoughts about relying on him for support during the early hard days when your confidence is low.

Also you have to stop referring to someone you dated when you were a teenager as “the love of my life” - you weren’t even a fully formed person and I expect this narrative has undermined your value of your long term relationship all this time.

You sound like you could benefit from some therapy or internal thought work OP, so you can move on and be single and confident in yourself. Then when you’re ready hopefully you’ll meet someone to have all those amazing romantic feelings and experiences with. And hopefully your ex will to.

its kind of awkward having to dump him twice but it’s better to do it now than in 5 years when you’re even older and unhappier

He would manage. He also stops paying CS this year so will be better off.

It would be rubbish for him - I get that

Thank you. It’s a huge mistake/ fuck up - but now Iv seen it I can’t leave it.

Never seen cocklodging described like that, have seen posts with 'I earn £21k and dh earns £50k he wants to split things 50/50' usually results in absolute horror and shouts of financial abuse!

Thank you and sorry you are going through something similar.

Im afraid I may have one across terribly grabby or some kind of psycho for staying all this time or something but I’m not honestly.

I do wonder if some people feel this is quite close to home as it’s mostly impossible to know what’s going on in peoples minds.

@roarfeckingroarr tbh I know MN view an affair as one of the worst thing in the world (personally I don't). OP has lead someone on for 14 years. Sorry buy you wouldn't be saying that if your own partner said that! OP has known.... let the man go and had him back for her own selfish needs. OP is wrong and I'd be bloody pissed off if it was me. I would rather someone have an affair!

Hi op, the relationship may not have been bad for years but now you are no longer in love with him. You may always have felt that but he offered security, something you didn’t have with your own father or ex boyfriend and he is a nice guy.

regardless, you are not a bad person for not being able to reciprocate his feelings. You are allowed to leave and change your mind.

And if you think about it, it isn’t fair on him to be in a marriage where he isn’t loved. Because as much as you think you are pretending; these things can be sensed. Much fairer to free him up to meet someone who is in love with him and who fancies him.

It is also not teaching your daughter what a good relationship should be like. I grew up with parents who adored each other. I have a high benchmark as to how relationships should be because of that.

And also importantly, you should be free to meet someone who you do love and fancy. It isn’t fair on you. And it was partly his fault for settling down with you when you were still so young with no life and little love experience.

Op

I could have written your op 8 years ago.
I stayed 25 years.
Leaving was so hard . And for years I've lined for the family Xmas and days out and holidays, but I know now leaving was right .

I'm single now but had some brief sexual relationships that made me feel I'd done right - sex with dh was always awkward, embarrassing, weird .
Sex with someone you fancy is so different.
I miss the best friend aspect but he I now seeing someone and I am happy for him .
I'm single . But there was a brief moment last year where we could have got back together, and the minute he touched me I just knew I couldn't . It's all very sad and like you I met him when I was very young , had a baby at 19 and then another at 25 and just got on with it because- it worked on the whole . But I wanted more than it just working . I moved out because it was me that wanted to separate.
There are lots of things I miss - but being independent now is right for me .

Oh and I was the main earner too- so - I've paid all the debts we had and left him in the house because my dd stays there a couple of nights a week - if I'd forced a sale they'd have been homeless. So I've been as kind as I can be in how I've done it .

Oh do shut up. Op is a nice person and was very young. He was older and should have waited until op was a bit more mature before having kids etc. It is hard to leave nice people. It is hard to know if this is the way it is supposed to be, especially with no previous experience. It is difficult to leave when you have a child together. It is difficult hurting someone you love even if you’re not in love with them.

@Musti the dh was only 22 himself?

I honestly hope he wouldn’t pine for me that’s the opposite of what I would want but equally the rug will have been pulled so I can’t imagine he would just be totally fine straight away.

@User101023 you really think a lot of yourself.
You wasted this man's life because you didn't want to leave.
You don't fancy him,he's there to make your life easier.
I'm sorry you sound self absorbed.

I think you don't want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him.
Leave and let that poor man find someone that actually wants a healthy,full loving relationship.

If he’s got an 18 year old now then he must have been older. Op got pregnant within a year of meeting him whilst still a teenager. Him, with already a failed relationship and a 5 year old kid, should have taken it more slowly or he risked it happening again.

This is on him.

I was a very different person at 18 than I was at 24 Plus. I grew up a lot and understood to take my time to decide things. Even at 22 I was more impulsive. I had gone from home to university and you need some life experience and work and relationships to make better informed decisions.

She was barely a kid. I have a 19 year old who is mature but wouldn’t advise him to marry his girlfriend yet. What is the rush?

I’m going have to have this explained to me again. The OP made a mistake. She wants to split. She didn’t shag the postman. By dint of this posters are surely saying that every woman who wants to a relationship is an evil self serving bitch just because they want to leave. Is this contempt reserved for people who “try again”? Or is there a time/age limit because I’m sure I’ve exceeded it!

Im afraid I may have one across terribly grabby or some kind of psycho for staying all this time or something but I’m not honestly

I don't think this at all. But I do think you have been really unfair to him. However, what's done is done, and I think you need to really plan how you are going to end it. Think carefully about what you want to say, have the practical aspects thought out, and be respectful of his feelings - you have treated him badly, there's no getting away from that.

You mentioned you had counselling in the past and you sound confident that you do understand your relationship dynamic, and that you really just don't love him and no longer wish to be with him. Again, this is fine - I think what made me question it is not just that you got back with him, but he moved back in and (for him) normal life (bar sex) mostly resumed. It's not uncommon for people to reconnect but to that extent seems puzzling to me, if you were clear on your feelings and that it was over.

When it's over this time, you need to have no contact at all with him bar for DD. For his sake.

The mention of my DD resonates with me and if this were her, I would 100% be saying separate you only get one life etc.

@Musti from the op herself? But agree that the fact op Is saying he has an 18 yo too is confusing!

Actually not that confusing I am just shit as maths! Easily feasible he had a dc at 18 before meeting op!