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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your ex said they never wanted to meet their child, did they ever reappear and change their mind?

32 replies

Realag · 31/07/2022 15:54

Just that. I’m in a new relationship now, have been for 18 months and DC seems to see him as his father figure (he’s only 2!). Me and DP were friends for ten heats before we got together.

I am worried ex will pop up and confuse DC. My partner is also quite attached to him and whilst he obviously wouldn’t say anything if ex came back on the scene, I know it worries him too about the nice dynamic we have changing.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 31/07/2022 15:58

Some do, some don’t. It’s not unusual for them to reappear though, and it’s likely your son will be curious/want to get to know his father (whether his father reaches out or not).

Original poster
Realag · 31/07/2022 16:02

@whumpthereitis i made it soooo clear to Ex that he could be part of DC’s life but he wasn’t interested. Too bothered about his image and career! I obviously wouldn’t close off any advances from him to see DC but I think I hoped most would say case closed… it would be nice to live being sure he won’t cause any disturbance.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 31/07/2022 16:05

That may be so, but he can change his mind. There’s always going to be the chance he’ll make contact in regards to his son.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 31/07/2022 16:38

Yes after 5 years. He is not a great father but still the father.

Original poster
Realag · 31/07/2022 16:42

@Ohahjustalittlebit this is what panics me. At 5 I worry DC will have so many questions and my partner and I are getting married in a year, he is keen to take on the name of dad.

can I ask the reasons he was absent for 5 years and what then made him reappear? Had he even met DC before/when they were a baby?

at the time I was devastated Ex didn’t want to see Dc but now I think maybe that will deter him more from coming back into our lives. It’s hard as I know DC will have to know him if he does get in touch but im
now far beyond the stage of hoping he would get in touch!

OP posts:
Ohahjustalittlebit · 31/07/2022 16:50

Well it turned out I was not the only relationship he was in and not the only one pregnant. When I found out about the OW I dumped him so he stayed with her and never mentioned me or my pregnancy. When the dc was 5 they asked about their dad so I emailed him and asked if he wanted to meet up and he said yes. A year later he told the mother of his other child the whole sorry saga and we all met up and chatted and now my dc and their dc have a relationship so it has worked out well although I am still doing all of the parenting which i actually do not mind. Dc refer to him as dad and have done from the very first meeting but I was single till they were 11 so never would have caused any confusion anyway.

At some point you will have to tell your child that your husband is not their father though whether daddy comes into their lives or not. Maybe if you start now and get the child to call him dad john or whatever his name is rather than just dad that it might be less confusing going forward? Sorry you are dealing with all this. Always us women left holding the can.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 31/07/2022 16:52

Also to add from the day I told him of my pregnancy the only time he got in touch was to ask for my bank details when I had given birth. Never asked about the pregnancy or the child and never saw either of us till 5 years after the fact.

ImAvingOops · 31/07/2022 16:58

Is your ex on the birth certificate? Easier to get your dp to adopt him and be the legal father if you don't need to get your ex to give up his parental rights.

Original poster
Realag · 31/07/2022 16:59

@Ohahjustalittlebit wow how did you get over the coldness?! I really struggled with it when I had to apply for maintenance. He made me go via Cm which was pretty shit at the time but literally never even mentioned DC! I remember at the time thinking the guy must be absolutely psychotic to not even ask about them.

what is he like now? Does he have any regrets he wasn’t in his life sooner? I have to say you seem like a lovely person to have accepted that calmly and got on with life. Did you ever update him over the years? I used to send pics but stopped when Dc was one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realag · 31/07/2022 17:00

@ImAvingOops no he’s not on it, I asked but heard nothing back. Does that mean my DP could adopt without having to inform ex? I’d feel weird about doing that maybe without telling ex but then again he’s never even see DC

OP posts:
Ohahjustalittlebit · 31/07/2022 17:04

I am still not over the coldness to be honest but the way I have tried to see it is that he is the dc father and I like that they know their other parent and also I am not sure I was ever fully in love with the man so never got to the hating him stage. I just walked away and let that be it. I sent him one picture when dc was about 4 but aside from that I acted like he did not exist. He paid maintenance every month on time and in full and we left it at that.

I dont know if he regrets it to be honest because even as far as a year ago he would go months without asking to see dc. Then I met a man and since then he has acted like father of the year spending bonding time with dc etc and taking them out for toys and things. No sleepover or anything just for a few hours here or there but my boyfriend is fully convinced it is because he is now in the picture. My exes now wife is lovely. What she stays with him for is beyond my thought process but she is a fantastic woman to have forgiven and stayed with him.

Original poster
Realag · 31/07/2022 17:10

@Ohahjustalittlebit did he not respond to the photo when he was four? Did you not inform him of the birth? I did do that and still had silence. I guess I do need to be prepared they will see each other one day. I just hope he can be civil

OP posts:
JadeSeahorse · 31/07/2022 17:22

Realag · 31/07/2022 17:00

@ImAvingOops no he’s not on it, I asked but heard nothing back. Does that mean my DP could adopt without having to inform ex? I’d feel weird about doing that maybe without telling ex but then again he’s never even see DC

My situation dates back 60 plus years but my mother's husband definitely adopted me without any consent from my bio father.

I never met my bio father either. Not sure what was on my original birth certificate but probably, "Father unknown" bearing in mind it was the 50's. I was issued with a new birth certificate once the adoption was finalised and the one I have used all my life shows mother's husband as my father. (Worst luck but that's a whole other story!)

Ohahjustalittlebit · 31/07/2022 17:30

Realag · 31/07/2022 17:10

@Ohahjustalittlebit did he not respond to the photo when he was four? Did you not inform him of the birth? I did do that and still had silence. I guess I do need to be prepared they will see each other one day. I just hope he can be civil

I sent him a text when dc was born to tell him gender and date of birth and he responded 'congratulations, what are your bank details' and that was the end of it. He did not respond to the pic when they were 4.

namechanged4it · 31/07/2022 17:36

I would cross that bridge when you come to it. Even if hr does pop up your new partner and child already have a good bond that would probably not be broken anyway. If he considers you DP as dad and this is constant and consistent then it will hopefully always be that

Original poster
Realag · 31/07/2022 17:40

@namechanged4it hope so. I spent a year practically begging him to be a dad and now I would feel dread if he was to get in touch.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 31/07/2022 18:39

OP, as far as I'm aware, your ex isn't legally the father and has no automatic parental rights since he isn't named. You are the sole parent with automatic PR.Now if he suddenly decided he wanted those, he would have to prove paternity, which wouldn't be hard if he was determined, but it's still a process he would have to go through and not automatic. But as things stand, legally he's no one at the moment. So I do believe you could get your new dh to adopt your child without his permission or knowledge. This would be good because once your dh has parental rights your child could remain with him if anything happened to you in the future and it would put any future dc all on the same footing. If you did tell your ex, then he might object - people are funny about giving up 'rights' even when they don't want them! Am presuming he pays nothing in child support?
Im not sure exactly what would happen if after adoption your ex turned up, but I'd think that he'd be considered too late and that if he wanted access he'd be told he ought to have established legal paternity earlier.

ImAvingOops · 31/07/2022 18:45

Sorry, I missed the hit where you said he does pay cm. If I was you I'd get some legal advice to be certain on your rights. But to me, a father is about the relationship, not the biology, so I'd be inclined to do everything I could to give my child a legal dad who actually wants to be his dad.

BiscoffSundae · 31/07/2022 18:49

Yes he did but then left again

TeenDivided · 31/07/2022 18:52

Just a small side comment (I'm an adopter). Do make sure your DS grows up knowing that your partner, although he fulfills the role of 'Dad' is not his biological/birth father. If it isn't mentioned semi regularly until he is 5 or so he will forget. With adoption we have 'life story books' for our children which include pictures and text explaining things.

Alopeciabop · 31/07/2022 19:25

Yes please don’t lie to the kid as pp just said. People need to know where they come from and the truth from as young as possible means he has steady ground to stand on. He can know who he is. Even if that means knowing his dad isn’t interested it’s soooo much better than just telling him at 5 or 10 or 20. Start now if you haven’t already.

Original poster
Realag · 31/07/2022 19:30

What do you say? Dad works away? I don’t know how you’d tell a small child their dad has zero interest… I mean you don’t of course you don’t but I don’t know where to begin!

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 31/07/2022 19:40

We started by stories in the bath.
So for you:
You grew in my tummy. Dad Mark helped make you, but he and I didn't get along too well so he left before you were born. But luckily Dad Tony had been friends with me for years and I love him and he lives me and you so now he is your everyday Dad.

Photos to look at labelled with text.

We used things like the nativity story. Whose tummy did jesus grow in? And whose tummy did you grow in? Obvs different for you.

But you need to do it from now regularly so he grows up knowing. Really important.

Sanfranfine · 31/07/2022 19:41

My advice is to create a life story book for your son, which is now an accepted practice for children of adoption and makes it so they understand where they come from and after all your fiancé will be an adoptive dad. It also means if the birth father ever reappears, your son will have some understanding while also knowing his adoptive father is still his father.

put into Google life story adoption if you want to see advice and examples

AMindNeedsBooks · 31/07/2022 20:52

Realag · 31/07/2022 19:30

What do you say? Dad works away? I don’t know how you’d tell a small child their dad has zero interest… I mean you don’t of course you don’t but I don’t know where to begin!

I told mine that unfortunately not all parents are good at being parents, nothing to do with them at all.