I do everything and I still smell apparently

[IApparentlySmell]

I’ll preface this with my brother is autistic, I suspect my mum is also on the spectrum.

I have a 7yo DC and I’m a single parent.
We both shower daily, change our pants everyday and brush our teeth everyday. I change clothes when they’re dirty or smell unless it’s very hot and we’ve been sweating.

DC goes to school, a holiday club and after school activities none of whom have ever raised a safeguarding concern about DCs hygiene. DC also has a couple of medical issues and is seen regularly by HCPs and doctors, no-one has ever said there are any issues with their hygiene.

I’ve held down full and part time jobs outside the home, and never had issues with my own hygiene raised either.

Yet every single time I see either my mum or brother or my DC does I get told “You stink” “You need a bath” “You really need to do something about your smell” “(DC) really needs a bath like now” even 2 seconds after I’ve got out of the shower at their homes (as I shower at their request) I get told “You need deodorant like now”. When I’ve put deodorant on in front of them they tell me that I need more or they can’t tell I’m wearing it.

Now my house apparently stinks, and I’m nose blind to it. Yet I’ve had my landlord over to do repairs and no concerns where raised about that either. Apparently the smell must be rubbing off on me and DC and thats why we smell so bad.

I’m at a lose, and think I basically I have to lose my family because I can’t cope with the constant comments and I know they can’t help it due to the ASD.
Just ranting really, my MH isn’t great atm and I just feel this is another stick to beat me with me.

My autistic son is a super smeller. He told his friend that he always smelled of bins, and for a while he had a mate called Bobby Mushrooms because he smelled of mushrooms. Happily he is able to suppress the urge to share his sensitivity but I think your family members may be stepping over boundaries here and need to be firmly told to zip it.

Incidentally my son was put to work with the lost property box at junior school and was able to reunite gear with their owner just by sniffing. <proud>

No, not this. This is why autistic people find it so hard to function or even step outside their houses. Or even see family in their own houses. Because they are told that what they experience doesn't matter. They should just suck it up, be polite.

How polite is it to go into someone's safe space and make them experience this kind of sensory discomfort, when they have told you about it? The only space they have away from these assaults on their senses that they have to experience, daily?

Politeness, considerateness etc goes both ways. Or it should do. But clearly doesn't even from family members.

It's obvious that what OP is describing would be unbearable for autistic family members with a heightened sense of smell. Yes, they haven't dealt with it well. That's not good.

But what's the solution? Do they have washing facilities and a tumble dryer at their house? That could help. Changing cat litter weekly is horrific frankly - having "cat sit" an indoor cat for three weeks, I threw up changing it daily. This is what they are going through with the smell. Others not smelling that doesn't make it any less real for them.

It's not bullying. They have not communicated it kindly. They haven't suggested solutions. That is bad. But having a go at them for having different senses to most people is not right or ok.

OP - ask if you can do washing at their house in their machine and tumble dryer. If they refuse that then they are being silly. Just meet them outside if not. If they are unkind generally then cut off contact but mot over sensory differences: that is not their fault.

Denying the smell exists for them is not ok, even if you cannot smell it.

I cannot see why they would say this if it wasn't the case. And it fits completely as many have told you with heightened senses that autistic people have.

They have been rude but not unkind. I think you need to talk to them about solutions.

I am a lone parent too btw, I know it's not easy and money is awful. But I think there are ways forward here IF you want them.

@SheeplessAndCounting it is their fault for the nasty and bullying way they are communicating things though. Or do you think what they're doing is acceptable? Would it be OK for op to be as nasty and rude in response?

It's possible you do in fact smell but they are rude about it.

Your subsequent posts make it seem likely to me that you do unfortunately smell of unwashed clothes, body oils, sweat, body odour, cat and mildew. People who have more ability to pretend it's not there are likely to be thinking it and reasoning that you don't have much money and you're drying clothes inside, those who don't are less likely to be able to hide their reaction to the smell or to appreciate that your feelings will be hurt by them stating a fact.

I recognise the smell on some people at work because it's what I had to deal with in my old flat. I'm not making a judgement, I'm observing it - and essentially noting that they're probably living in less than ideal accommodation, probably short of money and/or have made different choices regarding housework. Not a concern or criticism, more of a circumstance.

That distinctive smell is why I took everything to a launderette and used the previously mentioned antibac/antifungal soap in the gym to get the smell off my body. Perhaps if you catch the bus to visit them, you could put visits on hold until you've got enough money to pay for a full load and dry? Or if you talk to them and say you're finding it hard to afford showers and clothes washing, they'd let you use their machine and dry things there?

Something else you could need to do is take out the washing machine drawer and clean it thoroughly, clean as far down the inlet as possible and sanitise the filter and grey seal, using very hot water to dissolve the soap/softener/mould residue. If you use liquid and softener, stop, use a biological powder and whilst ironing can sort out some items, there will still be some clothes that the smell just won't come out of now and will need to be disposed of.

I think they've been direct, not deliberately hurtful. I can see this is hurtful to the OP but I don't believe that was the intention, from what she has said. Autism means people have communications differences - it is one of the diagnostic criteria - so autistic people tend to be very direct and honest in communication especially with family. Personally I would suggest OP does the same: she tells them that these comments are hurtful to her (they may not realise), and suggests practical things they can do to improve the situation for them all (like washing her clothes at their house and using their tumble dryer, as this would help everyone). And FGS change cat litter daily from now on.

Zoflora linen fresh in the fabric conditioner tray. One wash with that probably won’t do it, you’ll need to do it consistently with every wash. Some clothes will just have to be thrown away if necessary.

Wash (with soap) all of these at least three times, covering every square millimetre, once isn’t enough…
hair
behind your ears
underarms (including the surrounding bits not just the middle bit)
Under breasts
privates (I would go with more than 3 times here)
feet (very thoroughly between the toes and beneath them, then a thorough drying)

Please make cutbacks to anything else you can think of rather than how many times the washing machine is run, this is essential for you and your child to feel better and for others to feel good with you.

The rough average cost of a washing machine cycle is around 50 pence, is this more or less than you might have thought?

@SheeplessAndCounting so if op said to them
"You are absolutely fucking arseholes who I hate for being such twats, you really are horrible dickheads and I hate you both"
That's ok isn't it?

I buy wood pellet cat litter, and change it every other day, removing poops as they do them. I really recommend the wood pellet litter and a cat tray with a hood and filter.

Why would that be ok?

I'm confused, I don't think the OP said her family said anything like that to her? If they did then ignore my posts, sorry. I missed that.

But that's different though, isn't it? The OP's family aren't trying to be insulting and hurtful, they're being factual and direct. It's not a subjective judgement, it's a report of fact. Of course it's hurtful, but the intent isn't to hurt (as far as we know).

Calling someone a fucking arsehole and saying you hate them is an emotional statement that doesn't have any objectivity, and isn't the same thing at all.

The OP could very easily say "I can't smell anything and you're hurting my feelings by insisting that I smell. Please don't mention it again or I won't feel able to visit because I'm not willing to continue being subjected to a barrage of complaints about how I/DC smell." That would be entirely within her rights to say, and equally as direct as being told that she smells.

I'm autistic myself. Sensory overload can be a real problem and I smell things very strongly. Even walking past the shop "Lush" makes me feel dizzy and unwell because of the strong smells.

The OP has said in her various posts that she only changes the sheets every two weeks, she wears T-shirts for a couple of days before washing, she doesn't have enough clean clothes for every day, she can't afford to wash her clothes more frequently, she only changes the cat litter once a week for an indoors cat, and she dries her washing inside all year round.

I can almost guarantee that I would notice how OP smells too. I don't think it's OP herself - I think it's probably the clothing. Jeans, jumpers etc you don't need to change very day but T-shirts? Absolutely need to be clean each day. Cat litter odours transfer to clothing very, very easily and to me, smell very strong. Probably the biggest thing for me is drying the clothing indoors - unless they dry quickly, there will undoubtedly be a fusty smell. It's not that they're unclean, it's just the length of time it takes to dry leaves an unpleasant "damp" smell.

I feel like an absolute bitch saying this, but I absolutely promise I'm not trying to be nasty. When I read those comments the imagined smells almost jumped off the page at me. But the thing is, lots of people probably wouldn't notice and I'm sure OP doesn't smell as bad as she's been made to feel. Just because I and other autistic people would notice the smell, it doesn't mean that it's the same for everyone. I don't think it's you that smells OP, but the environment might be transferring smells onto your clothing and that is something that won't disappear just by having a shower. I'm sure your body and DC's body are scrupulously clean and don't smell at all. It's maybe just your clothing.

I echo views from others - could you do an extra load or two of washing at your mum's house? Or use her tumble drier? I completely understand you have financial and practical constraints and that makes it much trickier. Do you have a trusted friend you could ask for honest feedback? I've just remembered - I used to have a friend who kept rats as pets. He had about 10. His coat absolutely REEKED of rat piss. And that was unchanged bedding releasing odour into the air - in the same room as where his coat hung on a peg. If your honest friend says they can't smell anything, then really it's up to you to decide how far you want to go to make your brother and mum feel better? But there's nothing wrong at all in telling them that their comments are hurting your feelings - it's better that they're aware of that, even if they can't help how they feeling about their sensory issues.

You need to test this with a close trusted friend

i bet you don’t smell x

and either ignore or reduce seeing them

I don't understand all this 'they are bullying you' POV.
I think they are very aware of scents and you got used to your own smell. I think that everyone else has either not had a sensitive nose or too polite to say anything. I'd rather know I smell than go about life not knowing even though it's very embarrassing.

I am wondering from your first post if you are not washing clothes enough, you specifically say you wash them when they are dirty, well sometimes dirt doesn’t show up. But that aside, I also get the sense that they could be bullying you, making it up, as a kind of weird ‘joke’ between themselves and at your expense.

I agree. But waiting until clothes are dirty or smelly isn't ideal. You should really wash them after a couple of wears max for a t shirt for example.
For drying, we use a heated airer and that really helps the clothes smell fresh

Forcing someone in your house into a shower, Asking someone to put deodorant on after a shower immediately and doing that to a 7 year old is disgraceful and should be ashamed of themselves,

most people have a smell? It’s just life it’s not an excuse to be that nasty the op should go no contact, send a message their behaviour is not ok.

Wearing a t shirt for a couple of days might be problematic.

I know money is tight but in Primark you can buy t shirts and fitted tops for about £1.50

Because she is showering there using deodorant and they are saying its not enough THATS when it begins to be bullying watching someone literally spray deodorant and telling them to spray more deodorant is choking to some its still a strong scent so surely there "sensitive noses" wouldn't be able to tolerate that either

I still think they don't to be told how rude they are and not to comment on your smell. And spend far less time there. but it does sound like there are a few issues.

Sometimes my 10yo smells of pee because he has rushed washing his hands. He is sent back to the bathroom. Does your dc need more support using the bathroom?

clothes need washing more frequently and also drying in a different way. It could be causing your home to smell which means the smell is in the air. You can buy boxes from the poundshop or even asda for taking moisture out of the air. clothes drying around the home will eventually create a smell.

my litter trays are emptied every time the cats use them, if not the house smells. I use a liner, newspaper, a small amount of litter and then change every time. If you are keeping cat wee in your house for a week your house will smell but you will be nose blind to it. If you have cat wee in your house for two days your house will smell. It needs changing each time. Just use less litter so it isnt costing more.

how often is your home getting thoroughly cleaned? Baths / shower scrubbed? Floors mopped / scrubbed?