I do everything and I still smell apparently

[IApparentlySmell]

I’ll preface this with my brother is autistic, I suspect my mum is also on the spectrum.

I have a 7yo DC and I’m a single parent.
We both shower daily, change our pants everyday and brush our teeth everyday. I change clothes when they’re dirty or smell unless it’s very hot and we’ve been sweating.

DC goes to school, a holiday club and after school activities none of whom have ever raised a safeguarding concern about DCs hygiene. DC also has a couple of medical issues and is seen regularly by HCPs and doctors, no-one has ever said there are any issues with their hygiene.

I’ve held down full and part time jobs outside the home, and never had issues with my own hygiene raised either.

Yet every single time I see either my mum or brother or my DC does I get told “You stink” “You need a bath” “You really need to do something about your smell” “(DC) really needs a bath like now” even 2 seconds after I’ve got out of the shower at their homes (as I shower at their request) I get told “You need deodorant like now”. When I’ve put deodorant on in front of them they tell me that I need more or they can’t tell I’m wearing it.

Now my house apparently stinks, and I’m nose blind to it. Yet I’ve had my landlord over to do repairs and no concerns where raised about that either. Apparently the smell must be rubbing off on me and DC and thats why we smell so bad.

I’m at a lose, and think I basically I have to lose my family because I can’t cope with the constant comments and I know they can’t help it due to the ASD.
Just ranting really, my MH isn’t great atm and I just feel this is another stick to beat me with me.

It does sound like it could be bullying, however I would not wait until my clothes were actually dirty or smelly before changing them.

Have you asked a friend to tell you honestly? If not, I would do that just for yourself and the kids, so you know whether you need to look into it more.

But regardless, they sound unkind to keep speaking to you that way, even if they do genuinely think it's true.

Do they have form for ganging up on you?

You probably do smell to them.

however, most children and certainly adults with autism can be taught that there is a time and a place for making comments. It would not be inappropriate for you to point that out

wearing freshly washed clothing instead of reworn clothing when you do visit would likely be appreciated.

The reaction may be to your products. Just walking by someone who uses the wrong shampoo or fabric softener can feel like an assault.

Do you have any damp in your house? Sometimes one of my DC used to smell a bit when he was renting a grotty student flat. It was damp and I think he didn't dry his clothes thoroughly. He showered daily but could smell a little musty.

How often do you clean your sheets and how often do you clean items of clothing that you don't typically wash after every wear. Things like jackets and jeans.
Also do you smoke and do you have any pets?

@WudYouSayItInRealLife There isn't damp I can see, it's housing association though and in a block of about a dozen flats so there could be damp I can't see.

I change sheets every fortnight.

I have an indoor only cat though, so there is a litter tray, I change the litter weekly and scoop the poop everyday.

We both shower daily, change our pants everyday and brush our teeth everyday. I change clothes when they’re dirty or smell unless it’s very hot and we’ve been sweating

I suspect you have to wash your cloths more often. Tee shirts and shirts etc need to be washed everyday

Obviously she can't desensitise their noses but surely they can keep their mouths shut and stop being so rude

They're bullying you, plain and simple.

Years and years ago my mum told me that my clothes were smelling bad (not to be hurtful). I was making lots of spicy food and I think it was seeping through my pores, even though I was bathing every day. And drying clothes in a house where there are smells will also make them a bit whiffy.
So I'd be inclined to get the carpets shampooed, re wash all the clothes and make sure they are dried in front of a window and fully dry before putting away, air out the cupboards, do a clean of the washing machine and avoid cooking while drying clothes (and open windows/shut kitchen door), just to be sure.

Its a weird thing to say and you can't rely on other people to have told you because it's not a polite thing to say. If they have form for being mean then take their words with a pinch of salt but if not, there might be something that they have picked up on that you are oblivious to.

@WudYouSayItInRealLife

no they don’t

if for example you’ve been out for a few hours doing a food shop or whatever your top will not need washing, not unless it was a baking hot day

It's likely not you but them. As above, can you ask a trusted friend?

Could it be your laundry detergent? I'm not autistic, no heightened sensitivities, but there are some combinations of washing powder and fabric conditioner I cannot stand

When did they start telling you this? Has anything changed since they did?

I'm with the others who say they're ganging up and bullying you. Unless they go through life saying the same to other people or when there are unpleasant smells about then they're just being mean.

@Babdoc

or maybe her mother and brother could just refrain from making their rude comments?

being autistic doesn’t give you a licence to be rude and hurtful to others

It does sound like bullying, OP. There are considerate ways to tell people they have body odour, yet they do it abusively.

My autistic son has sensory processing disorder and is hypersensitive to smell. He can smell things I can't. However, he also has manners and would say quietly if there was a smell that he couldn't tolerate. This is better than the projectile vomiting he used to do as a toddler when he couldn't explain (particularly in the milk aisle in Tesco). I think you need to have a word, it's not acceptable to be speaking to you like that, autistic or not. Having autism doesn't mean you can be a rude bastard! Have you got a good friend who you could ask an honest opinion of? I do think this is going to be a case of "it's not you, it's them"

Well it's possible there is a slight smell that others wouldn't notice or care to bring up. Or an aversion to unnatural smells. That's probably the most likely explanation, rather than they're just lying.

Changing sheets twice a month is infrequent but probably won't make you smell. Just general tidiness and washing and your good. If you really don't think you do, just ignore.

You and yes, they did bring it up pretty rudely, so I'd probably be going round a lot less. Not much fun for you to be around them.

I'd like to know if you can ask an independent third party cos I don't think that's been answered. Sorry if I'm wrong on that. Plus

They may have a heightened sense of smell, so do they say this about other people too?

They do sound pretty nasty tho. Apart from this, what's your relationship like? Is you mum a good nan? Obviously leaving aside she tells poor DGS he smells

This. Especially if they are telling you to put deodorant on as soon as you come out of the shower.

No one, but no one smells when they come out of the shower. The bacteria haven't got going.

It might well be that your clothes do smell from being dried indoors and the smell sticks on you from bedlinen and towels.

Could you afford to do a whole house launderette wash and dry? It's what I had to do when I lived in a damp flat with no place to dry washing. I also had showers at the gym with antibacterial/fungal wash because I didn't have a shower, which really helped decolonise my body of the bacteria/fungus that cause smells.

Using fabric softener made everything worse, so I stopped doing that.

(And I also suggest a weekly wash and dry of bedlinen).

Your mum and brother could have a very sensitive sense of smell and be able to smell things that would be undetectable to others.

Id not pander to them but I would try and work out some way to help them u dersyand that it’s them and not you.

Blimey - understand that’s it’s them and not you.

There is a specific condition called hyperosmia, very strong sensitivity to smell.

they might be undignosed.
But there is also possibility that they are just mean.

This.

Stop pandering and visiting.

The only thing I would say - and I am not suggesting you generally smell - is that things like tops and shirts need to be washed reasonably often, whether you think they smell or not, because you won’t smell your slightly unwashed self on them. I wouldn’t leave things till your nose tells you, because other people’s will tell them first.

I wonder if you do smell to them. You say you wash your clothes once they're dirty or smell, but if you're leaving them until that point and then washing them at 40 with non-bio powder and drying them indoors you won't be getting the smells out and once you've been wearing them for a few hours your body heat kind of reactivates the smell. Try giving the pits of each of your tops a good sniff about two hours in to wearing them.