I do everything and I still smell apparently

[IApparentlySmell]

I’ll preface this with my brother is autistic, I suspect my mum is also on the spectrum.

I have a 7yo DC and I’m a single parent.
We both shower daily, change our pants everyday and brush our teeth everyday. I change clothes when they’re dirty or smell unless it’s very hot and we’ve been sweating.

DC goes to school, a holiday club and after school activities none of whom have ever raised a safeguarding concern about DCs hygiene. DC also has a couple of medical issues and is seen regularly by HCPs and doctors, no-one has ever said there are any issues with their hygiene.

I’ve held down full and part time jobs outside the home, and never had issues with my own hygiene raised either.

Yet every single time I see either my mum or brother or my DC does I get told “You stink” “You need a bath” “You really need to do something about your smell” “(DC) really needs a bath like now” even 2 seconds after I’ve got out of the shower at their homes (as I shower at their request) I get told “You need deodorant like now”. When I’ve put deodorant on in front of them they tell me that I need more or they can’t tell I’m wearing it.

Now my house apparently stinks, and I’m nose blind to it. Yet I’ve had my landlord over to do repairs and no concerns where raised about that either. Apparently the smell must be rubbing off on me and DC and thats why we smell so bad.

I’m at a lose, and think I basically I have to lose my family because I can’t cope with the constant comments and I know they can’t help it due to the ASD.
Just ranting really, my MH isn’t great atm and I just feel this is another stick to beat me with me.

@SmellyWellyWoo Yes I do wear deoderant, everyday.

You shower at their home at their request? Wtf!! I would never step foot in their house ever again!!

Think this is a combination of hypersensitivity and clothes not being washing after each wear and dried inside. Wash with soap bar and use roll on or stick deoderant like michem also makes a big difference. My sister smelled for a while it was definitely her clothes as she'd have a shower & still smell.

do they do this to others who visit their home, or just you?

I suspect this litter tray will smell, and if you're drying your clothes inside then they will be contaminated by the smell from the litter tray too. That could be what is being referred to.

Also echoing other posters that outer clothes should be changed more often than "when they're dirty or smell".
I'd suggest wearing tops that are next to the skin for a maximum of two days.

The level of rudeness and expectation for you to jump through hoops to satisfy their demands tells me this is them, not you OP. I'm not sure what you do with the knowledge that this is deliberate on their part tbh but they're making being in their company intolerable for you anyway so I'm not sure I'd be rushing to spend time with them in your shoes. Have you always been treated as the scapegoat/black sheep in your family?

Lots and lots of single parents OP put their washing machines on every other day. I suspect there may be a scent from the clothes. When you iron something that has been worn already you can notice a smell as the hot steam presses over.

Your family are terrible. Are you receiving all the benefits your entitled to?

I suspect a lot of people will be washing their clothes a lot less from now on and even less so again when the price increases hit us all in October. People won’t be able to afford to run their washing machines.

Is it possible your clothes are drying too slowly? It can sometimes happen when drying your clothes indoors. Because this can cause mildew to form and the smell of mildew will stay on the clothes, even after rewashing sometimes. This gives off a urine type smell, but sometimes it's quite subtle and not everyone will be able to smell it.

I know it can be tricky depending where you live and depending how busy you are but you can sometimes find clothes that are amazingly cheap. If you could find some super cheap sports tops then you could wash them by hand and they are really quick to dry. Non cotton material can be easier to wash and dry. Places like Decathlon have them for a few quid. (Not much good if you can't afford it now but maybe at a later date).

@Palg68 I work, and get a small top up from UC then the CB.

I get no maintenance from ExH, so literally everything goes on DC and running my home. If i work more hours I'll actually be worse off as I'll lose the UC and won't necessarily make it up in pay plus there's the extra Childcare costs.

My DS is ASD and definitely has a heightened sense of smell, but he's never as rude as your DM or DB - instead he hides his face in his jumper or goes outside for fresh air to get away from the smell.
I think the problem is 2 fold, I think they are being incredibly rude to you, but it's also very likely that to them you DO smell.

I know you think you have good hygiene but like others have said, it's worth taking a second look - are you washing and drying your clothes often enough and thoroughly? Do you use soap to wash with or just shower gel? Do you use antiperspirant or just deodorant? Do you iron the armpits of your clothes?? etc etc etc

Hope you can find a solution you can all live with

BS. Do they treat other people like the op? I'm pretty certain NOT. Stop making excuses for people who are bullies.

Do you leave damp washing in the machine after the cycle has finished? The warm, damp atmosphere is a breeding ground for mildew. I run a 90° wash (usually for the flannels and towels) to kill off any nasties.

OP "Clothes have to be worn until they're dirty/smell, I don't have enough clothes to change daily."

so how long would you both wear, for example, a T shirt?

@EmmaH2022 a couple of days unless we've been sweating then I'll wash it as soon as I can

OP - oh I see
that makes me inclined to think they're just bullying you.

I have an incredibly sensitive nose I still talk to smelly people and even go in there houses for coffee its just what you do yes I will change my clothes and shower after but tell them they stink because my nose is sensitive? No never!

If you're washing at 60 you might find a cycle on your machine that washes at a lower temp and uses a lot less energy.

Your family sound vile. Have they offered any constructive help?

This is worth considering.

In your shoes I'd visit the GP just in case because some conditions can cause people to smell even if they clean themselves like everybody else.

This is difficult. It is hard being around people that smell, or in smelly environments, when you are autistic. It can make you feel really sick, or actually be sick. Even though they may think thag there is no smell.

Autism is often like everything is magnified: sound, light, colour, smell, taste, touch, ideas. In some ways this can be wonderful. But sometimes it is not.

I threw up out of my car window once when behind a rubbish truck in traffic because I didn't switch the external air draw off quickly enough. I have also vomited many times just emptying dustbins.

I think based on what you've said they are being insensitive but honest as they are struggling with this situation. If you have cat litter unchanged in the house and are drying clothes in there, I'm not at all surprised they can smell it.

I'd suggest changing cat litter daily and investing in a tumble dryer. Or just meeting them outside. They can't help that they can smell this and equally you can't help it if you can't afford to make the hygiene better so maybe meeting outside is the solution. But it isn't fair to deny that they can smell what they can smell even if you can't. Equally, they have not told you this tactfully but perhaps they just can't tolerate it anymore. As they are autistic they may not be good at coming up with practical solutions so perhaps if you suggest some - like washing some clothes at their house or meeting outside - they will welcome it. It's best to be direct.

Everyone has a smell. It sounds like you are doing plenty OP, I agree that they probably have a heightened sense of smell. And if if was definitely your stinky clothes then both you and your daughter would smell like musty, stinky clothes that have been dried inside. But they are saying you smell of b.o and your daughter smells of piss- so I expect they are smelling your normal human smell. Unless you both shed your skin and put it in the washing machine not much can be done. They are just fucking rude.
I agree ask a friend and maybe chuck some vinegar in with your wash, but beyond that just tell them they are being hurtful and avoid them if they continue.

They probably do think you smell.

My autistic dd1 yesterday informed (admittedly sweaty & due a shower) ds that he smelled like a tampon left in a bin. 'Sort of meaty, but going off, & a bit metallic'.

I think he scoured off about 8 layers of skin after that kind comment!

I did point out to dd1 that this was tactless, to which she agreed that it would be a thoroughly rude thing to say to a colleague or acquaintance, but fine to her db as a) she has to live with him & b) he's not exactly polite to her.

The thing is...once she'd said it...yes, he DID smell of meaty metal. Ugh!

I know from talking to dd1 that just about everyone is smelly as far as she's concerned. If you're straight out of the shower you smell unpleasantly soapy to her; an hour later you smell of 'yuk, people' at best. Add in smoking, drinking, spicy cooking or sweat & it's overpowering to her.

The absolute worst for dd1 is clothes dried indoors, I'm afraid. They smell of 'vinegar, pee, & dead things' apparently.

We have a family friend who lives in a top floor flat & dries much of her washing indoors. She's lovely, but dd1 really struggles to be in the room with her. I get a faint whiff of that 'vinegar' smell occasionally, but it doesn't bother me - but to dd1 it is overwhelming.

So...sorry OP, but every chance you DO smell to them. Of mildew, cat's litter tray & yesterday's armpits - probably not to an extent that anyone else would even register, but if their sense of smell is heightened...

Meet them outdoors? I can't see that you can do much else to completely avoid being 'whiffy' to them. But if there's any way you could do something about the indoor clothes drying, that would probably make more difference than anything else.

This!!

This makes me sad to read!

Op, I'm sorry that you are being hurt this way- even if your brother and mum do not intend to be hurtful.

Sounds like their incessant comments have really got to you, and are starting to make you doubt yourself, when really, from what you've said it doesn't seem likely at all that you or your ds have a strong smell.

I would try to find a way to remove yourself from this situation for a while to allow yourself time to get perspective and realise it is not a genuine issue.

You sound like a hard working and caring mum and I'm sure you are doing an excellent job You could probably do with being around people who bring you up, not down.