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Original poster

Did your DH love you more or less after kids?

104 replies

cheveux · 26/07/2022 23:48

As the title really -
If you had a husband or partner who really loved and supported you pre-kids, did having kids make him more or less loving of you?

My husband is an incredible husband - I am absolutely his number one priority and I feel really loved and adored by him. I wonder if having kids will change the way he treats me? What are your experiences?

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 27/07/2022 21:10

We were together for over a decade before our first DC came along so we were both slightly apprehensive about how it would change things. And it has changed things - enormously - but for the better. I always felt we were a really solid partnership before kids but now he is truly the other half of me. It's so much more than a romantic relationship; we're properly bonded together in a way that feels completely unbreakable. The two of us and the kids are such a tight unit and he's just the most wonderful partner and co-parent. He definitely loves me more since we had the DC (and I him) although we agree that we both love the children more!

I suspect it's true what they say about having children - it amplifies what is already there.

justsaythanks · 27/07/2022 21:35

Less. Absolutely

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 27/07/2022 21:42

I think his love for me has stayed as deep as ever. The way we express it has changed, because we now have 3 small kids and so the daily focus of our lives has shifted away from each other to the family unit. We don't spend as much 'quality' time together but we are always happy in each other's company, constantly in touch when we're apart, loving, affectionate, and I know he would do anything for me or our children.

We were together a long time too before kids, this is just another chapter in our lives. And it's been incredible too in other ways. Seeing him love and care for our children is a gorgeous gorgeous thing. I remember him on his knees by our newborn son's cot, just in awe of what we had made together. I loved him more than anything in that moment.

Abouttimemum · 27/07/2022 21:49

The same, I’d say.
he utterly adores our son and we both joke that we’ve moved down the pecking order.
I once heard him say ‘I love you, you know’ and I turned to him and said ‘I love you too’, but he was actually talking to our son ha. But it’s an in joke.

So long as you parent equally and make time for each other and yourselves there’s no reason why anything would change.

HeadNorth · 27/07/2022 21:56

More. Our children are adults so it is just the two of us again. Controversial, but although I love our children the most, I always knew I was number 1 in my DH’s life, even though he is a great dad. You cannot quantify love, but still, I never had any doubt that I always was his absolute priority. The children were my absolute priority and his care for me meant I could care for our children. It works for us (30 years together).

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 27/07/2022 22:05

cheveux · 27/07/2022 13:38

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters @hotdogonacoldday would either of you have done anything different in the early days/years of having kids? Do you feel you should have spent a little more time on your marriage or do you feel that your husband is completely wrong in his assessment? I’m just wondering because of an earlier poster who said looking back she was a little too focussed on the baby whilst her husband was not enough - is that similar for you? Not a loaded question, really trying to understand and get advice. I’m sorry you’ve both had this experience.

Personally, I feel my husband is completely wrong and his response was to be nasty and do me a great deal of harm.

For example, literally days after I got home from the hospital with a tiny newborn who wouldn’t be put down (day or night), recovering from a hugely traumatic emergency section, trying to establish breastfeeding… did he help or support me in any way?

No. He did not. He decided that he was angry that he wasn’t getting my attention or the bits of babycare he felt were full of sufficient glory. Before the baby was 5 days old he was angry at me for not expressing so he could bottle feed if he felt like it. He wasn’t getting his own way so he wouldn’t help me with anything at all. Wouldn’t do the boring shit like holding the baby while he slept (so I could spend any time not in physical contact with him).

Before the baby was a week old, he was badgering me for sex and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He expected me to just look after the baby while he had sex with me.

Even where he did do something useful like cook, he insisted that I sat in the kitchen and supervised/instructed him in how to make the things I would have been cooking that he wanted to eat. The first weekend of DS’s life, his father was livid with me because I refused to get up (after an entirely sleepless night) and hold/feed the baby in the kitchen while talking him through how to make pancakes.

And many other things. Ultimately there was financial abuse, destroying my mental health, all sorts of things. So no, in my particular situation I don’t think I should have given my husband more attention. I think I should have left him before I even had the baby!

Queenie6655 · 27/07/2022 22:07

My ex level of respect for me plummeted after dd was born

Literally minutes after her birth he launched a campaign of abuse against me and all sorts of accusations

Huge row one day as he said I was trying to encourage the Uber driver to kidnap her 😞🤔🤔

Original poster
cheveux · 27/07/2022 22:09

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters oh man, I’m so so sorry to read that. It sounds awful and traumatising and I’m very sorry you had to go through that. I apologise for asking the question, it feels really insensitive now. I hope you have a lovely life with your children now.

OP posts:
OldGreyAppleFence · 27/07/2022 22:12

Having DC actually brought us closer together and deeper love for each other.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 27/07/2022 22:12

Badger1970 · 27/07/2022 21:00

I think less. It showed him to be the selfish person that he is. And always will be. I'm never sure whether I hate it or envy it, the ability to always put what he wants first.

I think this is a good example of why you’d find that having kids made you love someone less.

You learn a great deal about someone after you have kids with them. Much of it things you couldn’t really have anticipated. It’s actually the new situation that makes it clear that he’s a selfish arsehole. Before he was a man with free time and it wasn’t indicative of anything much that he went to the gym several times a week. It’s only when life changes entirely and still he thinks he should carry on as if it hasn’t that makes you realise his attitude stinks.

Other people find that they love their partners more after that huge, life altering change because they really do step up. The shift into great fathers and supportive co-parents who adore your children as much as you do. They take their share of the shit stuff because they want to be a proper parent and they love you enough to recognise and meet your needs.

I’m sorry you got one of the ones that just carried on as if life hadn’t changed entirely and left you to do all the work for him.

OldGreyAppleFence · 27/07/2022 22:16

cheveux · 27/07/2022 10:53

@Nintendotime I can sympathise with those people - I feel quite frightened almost at not being the centre of his attention. I don’t want to be one of those people who ruin their marriage over it though. I wouldn’t want my kids to feel second best but equally I don’t want to completely refocus from my marriage onto my child. I want my marriage to still feel important and for us to not drop too far in each other’s priorities. As you said, it’s a conversation and I imagine a constant effort.

This is possible if you both want it. It's a cliche but it does take more effort to achieve that post-DC. When you're both exhausted it takes more effort from both of you to keep talking about things that are beyond life admin, to keep doing fun things together without DC. But it can be done!

OldGreyAppleFence · 27/07/2022 22:18

Imagine holding a lit candle - that's your love for DH. When your DC arrives, it lights a new candle. The old candle doesn't die out or have to burn less because of the new one. They can both burn fully at the same time. That's how it felt for me.

obsessedwithsleep · 28/07/2022 07:03

RamblingEclectic · 27/07/2022 13:32

I can't quantify someone else's emotion, let alone trying to do so after so many years, and I no longer wish to try to figure that sort of thing out. It's never done me any good. I've also never expected to be the centre of anyone's attention consistently.

My husband and I discussed having kids and how we wanted family life to be fairly early on in our relationship, and he stepped up just as he said he would - that first night, he stayed up all night with a baby that did not want to be put down so I could rest. That mattered more to me than if he loved me more or less that night than a year before.

That baby is now about to enter his final year of school and I can say my own feelings have fluctuated over a lot over the years. We've had our good years and hell years, kids change thing, but they haven't been the biggest hit by a long shot. Dealing with loved ones dying and their deaths was a far larger hit. Dealing with health collapses, financial problems, losing careers, negative 'friends' and family getting at us, faith changes - we've been through the wringer together, but while our kids made it all more complicated, they've never been the issue for us. They're about the only part of our lives we planned back then that's pretty much worked out how we imagined.

If a child of mine asked who I loved more, I'd put emphasis on love not being a competition, everyone's love is different so can't be compared like that. I refuse to play that kind of game. I can't see any benefit. That's thankfully not come up for us, but on how we decided to have kids has: I tell them about our conversations, that it's always a risk which is why if it isn't a 'fuck yes' for both parents open to many of those risks, I wouldn't recommend it.

This is a great answer.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/07/2022 07:15

I've never been over or cherished by any man. I preferred to have my baby alone.

Cannotmakeadecison · 28/07/2022 07:59

I don’t think the love necessarily changes but certainly the respect my husband has for me has increased in the same way mine has for him. We loved each other very much before having DS but I can’t say he was the center of my world. I had friends, family, a mad dog to deal with that meant he couldn’t always have my full attention.

I would be appalled if my husband ever said he loved me more than DS and it would completely change how I felt about him. My love and respect for him has magnified tenfold seeing him step up to be an incredible father.

Rinatinabina · 28/07/2022 08:03

I know I love DH more, I knew he was a good man, but all the times he stayed up most of the night with the baby and then went to work so I could sleep (PND) it really pushed home what a wonderful man he really is. I was quite ill so couldn’t see how exhausted he was but he cracked on. He’s not soft either, he’s probably over assertive so it’s not like he’s a warm and fuzzy sort of person. But DD really brought that out in him, he fusses over her like a mother hen. Seeing how devoted he is to DD makes me love him more, my own father was shit so it is so utterly important to me that he prioritises her.

I don’t know if he loves me more or less tbh, he often says he’s really happy he’s married to me (fool). So I think he probably loves me a bit more but I think I’m probably a candle to DD’s blazing sun. Which I feel is as it should be coming from a family with no parental love and less value placed on girls than boys.

Olinguita · 28/07/2022 08:04

hotdogonacoldday · 27/07/2022 13:13

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters , same, sadly. Who DH has turned out to be is not anyone I recognise, nor want. Not what I wanted for any of us, I wanted the even stronger team that other PP's have talked about, but DH can't cope with not having my full attention any more, which frankly is pathetic in a supposedly grown man...

Having a similar experience. I don't know if he is depressed or he is showing an unpleasant side to himself that I hadn't seen before (and that this is his actual personality). Constant moodiness, can't cope with baby crying, gets stroppy with me when I try to make plans around the baby. He says he loves being a dad and that the baby is wonderful but his actions don't always bear it out

PinkButtercups · 28/07/2022 08:08

As PP have said.

DP's priority is our DS and DS is my priority. DP is below DS in priority ranking as am I. I wouldn't expect or want to be in front of DS. It's important to me that DS is priority.

I'd say he loves me more.

lancsgirl85 · 28/07/2022 08:12

It's hard to quantify in a "more" or "less" sense. He probably loves me in a different and additional way that he didn't before, because I brought his child into the world.

However, we argue lots more now since having a child and are short tempered and snippy with each other a lot because we are just so fucking exhausted and there's no time to make each other a priority. That's been incredibly tough on our relationship in general and probably made it feel like we love each other less at times, even though in reality we don't, it's just a combination of exhaustion and never having time between full time jobs and a child (with no family support locally either) to actually spend quality time together and repair things.

Our relationship feels entirely different to before. It's almost unrecognisable. But I do still love him very much and I think I can confidently say he feels the same.

lancsgirl85 · 28/07/2022 08:15

I knew he was a good man, but all the times he stayed up most of the night with the baby and then went to work so I could sleep (PND) it really pushed home what a wonderful man he really is. I was quite ill so couldn’t see how exhausted he was but he cracked on.

I could have written this myself. I was also very unwell with PND. On mat leave my DP did most the night wakings to allow the rest I needed for my mental health to recover and then went to work doing 12 hour shifts like a zombie. I think that demonstrated his love for me, even if we were snippy with each other and I couldn't see it at the time.

Thereisnolight · 28/07/2022 08:16

I read once that the most functional family dynamic is where daddy loves mummy most, mummy loves child most, and child loves their hamster most.

It’s not meant to be taken literally but I read it as, the man supports the woman (whether that be emotional, physical, whatever he does best), freeing her to support her child (again, in whatever way she does best), leaving the child free of all worry and able to play with their pet.

Gazelda · 28/07/2022 08:33

I'm not sure about more, but definitely differently.

We didn't find out the sex of our baby and were very surprised she was a girl. I vividly remember saying affectionately to (then) DP that I presumed I wasn't his number 1 girl anymore. He agreed and laughed and the look we exchanged at that moment was the most love and loved I've ever felt with him. That was about 3 hrs after she'd been born.

He's been an amazing father to her and husband to me. DD is now 14, We've had some really tough times but both know that we can rely on each other more than anyone else in the world.

I sometimes crave some passion or romance from him, but I wouldn't swap that for the man he is.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 28/07/2022 08:37

Yes, DH loves me more. He is incredibly loving and supportive, an amazing dad to DD and a wonderful husband. I'm incredibly lucky and grateful to have him in my life. We've had a rough few years due to external events and it's put strain on our relationship but we're coming through it all stronger than ever and there's no question that we are here for each other and have each other's backs.

ApronLady89 · 28/07/2022 08:42

cheveux · 27/07/2022 10:53

@Nintendotime I can sympathise with those people - I feel quite frightened almost at not being the centre of his attention. I don’t want to be one of those people who ruin their marriage over it though. I wouldn’t want my kids to feel second best but equally I don’t want to completely refocus from my marriage onto my child. I want my marriage to still feel important and for us to not drop too far in each other’s priorities. As you said, it’s a conversation and I imagine a constant effort.

I was worried about this too, but what actually happened was the love my husband has for me grew astronomically!

And my love for him as well.

We talked about prioritising our relationship at length before the baby arrived.

I'm was really important to us to eat dinner together (alone) every night for example, so we created a routine around that. That will change when baby is a bit older and then we will have to reassess!

Anyway, a healthy loving relationship is only going to benefit your child so don't feel bad if you need to prioritise it!!
I read 'french children don't throw food' years ago before DS was a twinkle in my eye and it really stuck in my mind so would recommend that! It's a fun read.

ApronLady89 · 28/07/2022 08:43

Also, what a lovely thread. Mumsnet does tend to make you think all husband's are useless arses so lovely to read some of these.