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Relationships

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Original poster

Did your DH love you more or less after kids?

104 replies

cheveux · 26/07/2022 23:48

As the title really -
If you had a husband or partner who really loved and supported you pre-kids, did having kids make him more or less loving of you?

My husband is an incredible husband - I am absolutely his number one priority and I feel really loved and adored by him. I wonder if having kids will change the way he treats me? What are your experiences?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2022 09:43

More for both of us. We’re part of the best team I can imagine and I feel completely supported, respected and cherished.

SuperdrugKeysDemon · 27/07/2022 09:43

A bit less, I think. And it’s the same for my feeling towards him. But I don’t know why - we were a very chilled out couple before DC so it wasn’t like either of us feel pushed out.

He was incredibly supportive during pregnancy and in the early days when we were both anxious and getting used to a newborn. But except for the odd moment of joy (we were all snuggled up in bed one morning and he said “this is everything I’ve ever wanted”) it’s been on a slow decline and we don’t really speak to each other any more unless it’s about something practical. We never chat or show affection. I don’t know what’s going wrong.

Aria2015 · 27/07/2022 09:45

There are times (in the early days of parenting) where I felt he loved me less, he probably felt the same of me! Now though, I don't feel that way. I feel a very secure love but he's not as attentive as before kids, but then neither am I.

The reality (for us) is that pre kids - we were totally focused on each other and each others needs. Kids came along and that focus shifted towards them most of the time. When you're less focused on each other, it's easy to miss the little things you would have previously noticed and even when you have good intentions eg 'I must remember to ask him how his day want because I know he'll have had a stressful time' - that can go out the window and you forget because one of the kids bangs their head just as he's walking through the door etc...

As we've got used to being parents and found our groove though, I've found that we're starting to focus more on each other again though. So I'd say, first baby was like a grenade in our relationship and threw us for a spin, but a few years of parenting and a second baby later, we were getting back to a familiar place with each other, where each feels loved and valued and we enjoy each other.

Hoppinggreen · 27/07/2022 09:45

Less
I don’t have the mental energy for 3 people and the DC come first.
Also, I had PND after DD and went right off everyone. She’s 17 now and I adore her and DS but I am not as bothered about anyone else now, including my Mum and my friends.
I do still love DH but not like I used to. I used to think my life would be over if he died/left but now I would be sad but ok

SecretSnake · 27/07/2022 10:10

More. We were very in love before but watching him be such a great dad has grown my love for him and her says the same about me.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 27/07/2022 10:30

Less. He stopped being my first priority and he didn't like it.

To be fair I loved him less for the opposite reason - I couldn't believe our gorgeous DD wasn't now the most important thing for him, the way she was for me. It broke our love quite badly I think.

To be fair I loved her too much, and he too little. You and your DH, if you're more well balanced than us, may well find a route in the middle!

I do know couples where the husband seems to dote more on his wife as a mother to his children, really admires her mothering and values it. I'm very jealous of those relationships!! But I think fundamentally you can't have kids and it not change your relationship in some way.

Nintendotime · 27/07/2022 10:45

I still love my DH the same amount as I always did. But I love my kids more than my DH. I wouldn't run out in front of a bus to save my DH TBH but I definitely would (and have actually once put myself in physical danger) to save my kids.

Having children changes your relationship. The power dynamics change and your children become the priority. I think where relationships generally collapse is that before kids one partner (on MN its usually the woman) makes the other their priority all of the time while the other one enjoys being the centre of their partner's attention. Then kids come along and suddenly the kids are the partner's priority. The one who was always the priority gets the hump because they aren't the centre of attention anymore. While the one who always used to bend over backwards for their partner gets annoyed because their partner doesn't step up and treat someone other than themselves as the priority. See also housework and carrying all of the mental load.

If you are worried, take an honest look at your relationship. Talk to your partner about what you both expect children to do to your relationship. Lay your expectations out before it happens and that can help you salvage your relationship.

coronakings · 27/07/2022 10:45

Unusually, my exh never stopped loving me but it was me only, if that makes sense.
He loves his children but loved me more.
Couldn'tadapt. to not being number one anymore Amd thought we'd still socialise and be as intimate as we always we're pre kids.
He was a useless father and husband but wanted the societal label of being both.
He didn't lift a finger to rear his kids or support me.
I lost all respect for him and resented him.
He the had an affair and left us all.
So, no .
I was unlucky in my choice of husband .

Original poster

cheveux · 27/07/2022 10:51

@coronakings was he a good husband before you had children?

OP posts:

coronakings · 27/07/2022 10:52

He was amazing

Original poster

cheveux · 27/07/2022 10:53

@Nintendotime I can sympathise with those people - I feel quite frightened almost at not being the centre of his attention. I don’t want to be one of those people who ruin their marriage over it though. I wouldn’t want my kids to feel second best but equally I don’t want to completely refocus from my marriage onto my child. I want my marriage to still feel important and for us to not drop too far in each other’s priorities. As you said, it’s a conversation and I imagine a constant effort.

OP posts:

Original poster

cheveux · 27/07/2022 10:54

@coronakings that’s so sad, I’m sorry that happened to you and your family.

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stupidly · 27/07/2022 10:55

Life is harder with DC in the mix and we have less time for eachother. We rarely get to do anything just us.
He gets frustrated with the drudgery of life sometimes and I am part of that frustration.

I know he loves me very much though.
I think it is a different kind of love. Higher, but more taken for granted.

mummymeister · 27/07/2022 10:56

Sorry but I just dont get this idea of "loving you more" Someone either loves you or they dont. there isnt a sliding scale, its a yes or no answer. they might be more affectionate towards you or more caring or more in tune with your needs but you cant love someone more or less you either love them or you dont.

Aria2015 · 27/07/2022 10:56

Reading the replies, did you mean did my dh love me more or less than dc? I have never really thought about it. I mean there's romantic love (which I don't feel for my dc) and then there's maternal love (which I don't feel for my dh). What I will say is, that both me and dh are very much the mind that we are each other's future and not the children. By that I mean, we are raising children with the hope that they will grow up to be independent adults who go on to live their lives following their own hopes and dreams. Once they reach that stage, it will be just me and dh again (hopefully) and so we need to invest in our relationship so that we can enjoy our future together and hopefully enjoy watching our adult children thrive on their own lives.

Aria2015 · 27/07/2022 10:58

K k j look uga re I

Original poster

cheveux · 27/07/2022 10:59

@mummymeister Interesting - I completely disagree! My love for my husband intensified and changed hugely when my Dad died traumatically and he stepped up and supported and loved me in a way that was completely above and beyond, especially as we were young. I loved him before that but that experience changed our love - I saw him at his best and he met me at my worst. It sounds like other people agree love changes over time, so maybe it really varies person to person.

OP posts:

Original poster

cheveux · 27/07/2022 11:00

@Aria2015 I actually did just mean did he love you more or less (or the same)? I think I see a lot of women on Mumsnet talking about how their husband changed after kids and it made me want to ask the question.

OP posts:

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 27/07/2022 11:06

Much less. But that’s because it turns out he’s not who I thought he was. We had a baby and I learned that he cannot cope with not being the centre of the universe and it makes him nasty.

thats why he will not be my husband much longer.

meow1989 · 27/07/2022 11:10

More but I the same trajectory over the years if that makes sense (we've been together 16 years).

Ds(4) is our priority over each other but we still make time for eachother - date nights, watch TV together, have general fun. We're lucky to have a supportive family network who are happy to watch ds so we can have some us time now and then.

Dh and I have always been pretty sure that we are eachothers person for always, ds is just a wonderful addition to our happiness.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 27/07/2022 11:11

@Aria2015

What I will say is, that both me and dh are very much the mind that we are each other's future and not the children. By that I mean, we are raising children with the hope that they will grow up to be independent adults who go on to live their lives following their own hopes and dreams. Once they reach that stage, it will be just me and dh again (hopefully) and so we need to invest in our relationship so that we can enjoy our future together and hopefully enjoy watching our adult children thrive on their own lives.

This is so interesting. At the moment I think daily about whether it's better for our kids for us to stay together (not happy or 'in love' but mainly a functional unit, with kids who get to be with both their parents all the time, no rando stepparents or step/half-siblings thrown into the mix etc) or to separate. But it's always about what's best for the kids.

When I think about AFTER the kids, and our future as a couple? I find it impossible to imagine at the moment either of us would want that. There's just so little there any more.

I wonder if, as we get out of the trenches of the early years and have more time together without the constant hard work and focus of young kids, we'll rediscover each other. Or if the resentment and isolation will have grown to the point we don't want to 'get to know' each other all over again at that point. Certainly I think that if that were to happen it would be as a result of me redirecting my focus from the kids back onto him. And I don't know if I would have the slightest motivation to do so at that point having felt emotionally abandoned for so many years now.

I think, fundamentally, a lot of it comes down to what your relationship is built on/how good it is in its bones BEFORE you have kids. And why you have kids together.

I think it's safe to say ours has always been built on pretty iffy foundations, which is fine when you're a pair of silly twentysomethings with no responsibilities but will show the cracks when the pressure of kids is added in.

SalviaOfficinalis · 27/07/2022 11:24

I think we love each other the same amount… but having a one year old has obviously been the main priority for both of us.

Our “romantic relationship” side has definitely paused and we’re in more of a friendship/partnership/co-parenting phase because neither of us have the time, energy or opportunity to focus on that side. We are still affectionate but haven’t had a date night or sex for ages.

It’s working fine for us, it’s a temporary phase and we both want to rekindle the romantic side eventually of course.

I can easily see how resentment could build if both partners weren’t on the same page with this though. Often on here the stories seem to be that the mum does a lot more work (childcare/housework/mental labour) so has no time/energy etc, and the man still wants the romantic (sexual) relationship because he’s got a lot of free time/energy. He doesn’t see that if he did more work his wife would have more time/energy and might have the headspace to rekindle the romance.

oldwhyno · 27/07/2022 11:29

I'm the DH but it's definitely more for me. It's not that there was capacity for more love before children, but a new kind of love comes along and adds on top.

Hhd1 · 27/07/2022 11:31

Less and we ended up splitting up. With hindsight I was too child orientated and lost sight of his needs and he didn’t step up when I needed him to, thinking that life would not change at all. It can go either way.

Pre kids we loved each other very much.

DarkShade · 27/07/2022 11:33

Definitely less. He doesn't like that he can't control things anymore, I think.

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