Did your DH love you more or less after kids?

[cheveux]

As the title really -
If you had a husband or partner who really loved and supported you pre-kids, did having kids make him more or less loving of you?

My husband is an incredible husband - I am absolutely his number one priority and I feel really loved and adored by him. I wonder if having kids will change the way he treats me? What are your experiences?

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen That is so interesting - you have articulated exactly where I am at right now, far better than I ever could. Like you, I have so far been guided by what I feel is best for the DC.

Hmmm.
My first birth was very traumatic and I struggled with the memories postnatally. I thought my husband would be an amazing source of support but he wasn't. I was shocked at how horrible he was to me in the early months, how impatient and resentful he seemed as I struggled with my mental health. He had always seemed so caring and supportive in the 5 years we had been together prior to having our child.

After I had our second child (no post natal mental health issues, not a traumatic birth) he realised that my behaviour first time around had been abnormal and not just me being a distracted, distant mother for the sake of it. I think some kind of Daddy Bear instinct was unleashed within him at the birth of our first, which meant he had a lot of misguided feelings of disappointment as to how I responded to motherhood.

My husband has become less selfish with time, and has matured a lot. However, I hadn't spotted that selfishness until after we had kids. I hadn't realised it was there before.

I now realise too that my husband cannot handle vulnerability and struggles to cope when I am in a very needy, undignified position. For example, I know he found it uncomfortable when I soiled myself during the pushing stage of labour, or when I needed help to shower after a c section. He struggled to handle my expressions of pain during labour, but less so after the c section.

After the births of the children I had a lot resentment and felt like he didn't love me as much as I had originally thought. However, humans are frail and flawed, and incredibly complex beings. I see his avoidance of my vulnerability as his own weakness. He provides huge amounts of strength in other ways and I have forgiven him for the emotional distance that I experienced at the time. Those experiences have actually bonded us over time.

Does my husband love me less? Sometimes I suspect so. He has seen me at my most raw and vulnerable and I think it was a shock that I wasn't the sexy whippersnapper I had been before. We gripe about daily chores, the mental load, who did what etc but then we face so much together as a team and that brings together a great deal of solid togetherness.

Just as having children can push you to the end of yourself, you see it happening in your partner too. It's complicated and you both have to learn to be in a marriage with someone who has changed a lot. We have come through it all and have come out the other side. We recently had a 3rd baby, 7 years after our first and this time was very different. We were on the same page and he was amazing. I honestly think he is a gem and I have a huge amount of respect for him, and I think he feels the same about me. He doesn't idolise me in the way he maybe did before, that head over heels feeling, but there is a much deeper connection that only comes with sailing unchartered seas together and coming out the other side clinging to eachother rather than drifting so far apart we lose eachother.

I'm interested in this too @cheveux

I am pregnant with our first baby together, DP also has 2 older children, so it's always sort of been that we do 'family' stuff when with his kids, but then our own life is quite separate and we do a lot just the 2 of us.

I worry so much that losing that time spent together - going out for dinner, to the cinema, weekends away, anything that couples do - is going to make it so much harder for us to be close. We also have our own separate lives too, so I worry that constantly having to agree everything about the baby will cause so many ructions as normally there isn't much in our lives where we 100% have to be on the same page, as one can do something without the other attending if they don't fancy it etc.

It's nice to see so many people saying they felt loved more after having children. I really hope it's the case for us.

Well that was easy because we were having fun, drinking, going to gigs etc etc. sleeping in at the weekend. Obviously a baby changed all that. I’m back at work now, there’s no me time, and what free time there is I want to spend with DS as I feel guilty for putting him in nursery. Then there’s all the domestic stuff. I still think DH has quite a nice time of it. Easy days working from home, lie ins on the weekend, time to watch sport on Tv. Then he has the bastard cheek to complain I don’t have much time for him, and I’m not intimate with him much, and I feel like socking him one- you can’t pour from an empty cup.

He just doesn’t get it and I’m having to dig very deep to find the love.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters , same, sadly. Who DH has turned out to be is not anyone I recognise, nor want. Not what I wanted for any of us, I wanted the even stronger team that other PP's have talked about, but DH can't cope with not having my full attention any more, which frankly is pathetic in a supposedly grown man...

It’s absolutely pathetic.

He actually says things like: ‘I should be your focus. DS will grow up and leave you. You need to make me the most important’.

Thing is, he has totally missed the simple fact that he has utterly failed to meet any of my needs. He’s so busy focusing on himself that he has made my life a million times harder and in no way is cultivating a future with me.

So I left him. He could have been part of my team and worked together with me to raise DS. But he let me down enormously. So now he is most definitely not my future.

I simply misjudged who he was very badly.

I can't quantify someone else's emotion, let alone trying to do so after so many years, and I no longer wish to try to figure that sort of thing out. It's never done me any good. I've also never expected to be the centre of anyone's attention consistently.

My husband and I discussed having kids and how we wanted family life to be fairly early on in our relationship, and he stepped up just as he said he would - that first night, he stayed up all night with a baby that did not want to be put down so I could rest. That mattered more to me than if he loved me more or less that night than a year before.

That baby is now about to enter his final year of school and I can say my own feelings have fluctuated over a lot over the years. We've had our good years and hell years, kids change thing, but they haven't been the biggest hit by a long shot. Dealing with loved ones dying and their deaths was a far larger hit. Dealing with health collapses, financial problems, losing careers, negative 'friends' and family getting at us, faith changes - we've been through the wringer together, but while our kids made it all more complicated, they've never been the issue for us. They're about the only part of our lives we planned back then that's pretty much worked out how we imagined.

If a child of mine asked who I loved more, I'd put emphasis on love not being a competition, everyone's love is different so can't be compared like that. I refuse to play that kind of game. I can't see any benefit. That's thankfully not come up for us, but on how we decided to have kids has: I tell them about our conversations, that it's always a risk which is why if it isn't a 'fuck yes' for both parents open to many of those risks, I wouldn't recommend it.

@RamblingEclectic I really appreciate your response, very interesting. Having gone through some of those other things with my husband already I can understand what you mean, I think. It makes sense that kids are not the only change during a long marriage.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters @hotdogonacoldday would either of you have done anything different in the early days/years of having kids? Do you feel you should have spent a little more time on your marriage or do you feel that your husband is completely wrong in his assessment? I’m just wondering because of an earlier poster who said looking back she was a little too focussed on the baby whilst her husband was not enough - is that similar for you? Not a loaded question, really trying to understand and get advice. I’m sorry you’ve both had this experience.

my DH and I were together for a long time (16 years) before we had DS. We were both very set in our ways and used to doing whatever we wanted really. Both as a couple and individually.
Having a child has changed life so much that I can’t even compute what I feel for DH anymore. He is not the man I thought he was. I don’t think we love each other as much as we did although we are a good team now.
I think when you consider having a child it’s important to think about what happens if things don’t go smoothly and what sort of person your DH is under pressure. Baby might be early and/or sick, they might not sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time for a year and the birth may be very traumatic leaving the Mum with significant physical and mental challenges. It is very hard for any DH to support in that situation but my DH was already prone to grumpiness and nastiness when tired/stressed and this is much worse now. It has made me feel that he is not supporting me and so he must not really love me. It’s not necessarily rational because postnatal hormones and mental health are really very difficult for some mum’s. I wait with hope for the early years to pass to see what is left of ‘us’.

And I totally agree with @RamblingEclectic about the lessons learned. I had doubts about having a child. It wasn’t a ‘fuck yes’ and I think that was my mistake.

@cheveux so we were very lovey dovey, had a LOT of sex and had very intense conversations and wrote letters and stuff. Yuck it sounds gross looking back but it was nice!

Now we have a lot less sex and a lot fewer intense conversations. A lot of the time were so tired and busy (we have 2 under 2) that it can be quite perfunctory.

But that makes it sound rubbish and it isn't. Our children are amazing and he's an amazing dad and partner. We love and appreciate each other more, just not in a particularly romantic way. But it's so amazing to create a child with someone you love - like a physical embodiment of what you have together.

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much. Relationships change and evolve.

@cheveux there was possibly a little bit of that, me with more focus and DH with less, but what actually drove us apart was DH's reaction to my having something else to think about other than him - he got nasty, increasingly really nasty ie abusive, and you can't make yourself be affectionate or sexy with someone who is bullying your small child, and I just withdrew, stopped loving him and eventually asked him to leave.

What I would suggest is that both of you acknowledge that things are going to change, and that there will be someone new in the mix who will need to take priority some of the time, but who can also fit into your and DH's priorities with a bit of planning. Hopefully your DH will love you more once you've carried and given birth to his DC, if he's a good man with emotional intelligence, why wouldn't he? And hopefully the love you now feel for each other will be strengthened once there are three of you. Yes with a baby to look after it'll need a bit of work to make time and energy for each other, but we're not living in the 1950's, you don't have to be made-up and dressed up, with dinner and soothing conversation ready...it's just about finding a moment to remember you love each other, even if all you have the energy for is holding hands whilst you try and get some sleep between feeds!

We love each other a lot. But we don’t have time for date nights or romantic days out or whatever. And that’s fine. Both of us prioritise our kids and our family life. We both work around the kids (we are in the US so no meaningful annual leave or maternity leave). We sometimes chat about books and TV shows and politics but we often just sort out family logistics. We have a lot less sex than we did in our 20s. It is how it is. Neither of us are resentful (we have talked about it). I am not the centre of his life and he is not the centre of mine. And that’s absolutely fine. I would find it a bit strange if he prioritised me over the kids.

More I think. Seeing him be a father has made me love him so much more, well maybe not more but love him in a different way. And I know he feels that way for me. But our children are definitely the priority. It’s a different kind of love that I have for my kids, there is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do/sacrifice for them.

In all honesty it's a bit of both I think. I don't think you can really separate a relationship from a family when you have kids.

We've been together 16yrs and our relationship definitely took a nose dive after kids (after 10 years together). Tiredness, stress, anxiety and different parenting styles caused issues.

But that's improved as the kids have aged.

Realistically I think my partner loves me less now. I think I lean on him a lot more now and I'm a lot more stressed than I used to be. I moan more and am tired a lot. Our sex life has reduced too.

Does he love me still? Undoubtedly. But it's different now. Both of us are generally more stressed and less harmonious really. I think that's family life though and quite inevitable if you have 3 kid within 4 years, like us.

Definitely more but that has happened for both of us due to time/kids/shared experience/dealing with hard times together etc

It felt like he loved me less. But I had a girl

Without reading anything other than the OP.

Definitely more. He was a really great husband before, really supportive of me and my career and personal development. We were together for 15 years before we had dc, and I was really worried that when we had them he would transfer all that love and support to the dc and take me for granted.

Exactly the opposite happened. He was not only incredible with the dc, but he always thanked me for everything I did for them as well as for him, never allowed the dc to be anything other than respectful and grateful towards me, and generally acts as though I am God's gift.

He regularly says that seeing me parenting our children is the best experience he has ever had and that he will never forget what I have done for them, even if they do.

The same. I actually find your approach quite competitive and distasteful, like you want to be the centre of his world and would even compete with your own child for it. I really hope that’s not the case.

not everyone is cut out to be a parent though and those folks should really consider these questions before conceiving if they feel they are so self centred that they might try to compete between a child and their father.

I surprised myself by how much I cared about the dc, and how the fact that they are the priority now is something that joins us rather than separating us iyswim.

When dc asked dh whether if he had to save them or me who he would choose, he said 'you, because your mother would never forgive me otherwise'

In fact when dh was in a situation where we were all in danger, he put himself in harm's way to make sure dc was safe first, then shouted at me to get clear before trying to save himself. Dc was unscathed, I had minor injuries with no lasting consequences, and dh had serious, life changing injuries which will cause him pain for the rest of his life. He has always said that it is the best outcome he could possibly have dreamed of and that he wouldn't do anything different if he had to do it again.

I've no idea tbh but becoming a mum did make me much less insecure about the exent to which my DH did or didn't love me. I think I was much too focused on myself before, and it probably made me unnecessarily anxious.

After dd came along, I suppose we were both much more focused on her than on each other, but that didn't mean that we loved each other less. It's just that we saw each other as a team, working together to nurture our precious family.

I have always liked the Antoine Saint Exupery quote- love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. That sums it up for me nicely.

This is an excellent post and I was considering the same, that to ask this question comes from a position or insecurity and anxiety, becayse when you are secure and not anxious you don’t even think to ask.

I think less. It showed him to be the selfish person that he is. And always will be. I'm never sure whether I hate it or envy it, the ability to always put what he wants first.

If you’re concerned that your DH will love your child more than he loves you, you may not be cut out for parenthood. Not that it’s a competition and it’s a different kind of love. But ultimately your baby is completely dependent on your love and goodwill in a way your partner (another adult) isn’t. I love my DH very much but I love my DCs more and he feels the same. Love isn’t finite, though - there are huge amounts to go around - and we don’t find sharing it a problem.