My husband is a recluse

[Mumtothreeandadog]

DH is 53 and has always been quiet but happy to go out. Nothing wild, cinema, meals etc. But he is now getting to the point where he doesn't want to do anything other than work and sleep.

Meanwhile I am trying to juggle children starting to leave home, menopause and care of elderly parent

We have been together 30 years and I love him but I need to get out of the house.

Why can't you go out without your husband then? Take up a hobby or join some sort of group to get you out of the house.

He sounds unwell. GP visit perhaps?

Is he okay in himself? Any mood changes or anything that would suggest MH problems?

I can go out without him but feel guilty

He possibly has MH problems but no way he would do anything about it. Typical man when it comes to the Drs

Your guilt is your issue not his. It sounds like he'd be quite happy left alone and if he's not the he can pull his finger out and come out. Has he ever said you going out is an issue for him?

Does he feel guilty that you stay in for him? If you stay in with him you are normalising his behaviour, and sacrificing your own happiness.

Sorry, why can't you go out? I am assuming he doesn't guilt trip you, he is just happier at home.
If so, just do you, and get out and do something outside of the house. He may want to join you at some point, he may not, but that is his decision surely, he's not a pet!

Thank you, I can see it from his side of things now. Out I shall I go!

I suppose it’s his choice to be a recluse. It’s also your choice not to be.

Just bumping this as DH has just said he loves to sit around and do nothing....

But you already knew that?

What did you say in response?

What did you reply back to him?

Don't feel guilty. He is happy to be left to his own devices. Just let him be and go out by yourself. He knows where you are and you can always make sure he knows that the offer is there to come along should he ever wish to.

I like being left to my own devices a lot too, and I am quite uncomfortable if I feel pressured to socialise more than I really want to.

Sadly my husband is the same....he goes to work, comes home and sits in his favourite chair until bedtime. No interest in doing anything, going anywhere except for the odd meal out. I do a lot of things without him.
He claims he likes "doing nothing". Personally I think he is anxious/depressed.

It's his life...but it's getting me down.
So, yes - I know how you feel.

I didn't say anything in response, he just voiced what I already knew

Creescendo how old is your DH? Mine is 53, but I feel like I am living with someone much older.

The only one keeping you at home is you.

I think people are being a bit, well, disingenuous.

Op has been used to a life of a husband being a certain way and now he's a different way. And she's mourning the old way.

And going to the cinema on your own isn't the same. It's not even about being out on your own, but you can't talk about the film, or get excited about the trailers and plan the next trip.

I get you op.

I do also wonder how his vitamin d is, because I was the exact same when I was deficient.

Mine is 60. He wasn't much different in his 50s but back then I made an effort to drag him out of the house on weekends for some sort of activities. I can't be arsed now - if he wants to stay in he can sit in his chair all day and watch life go by. I still want to live life.

I notice with my circle of friends that Covid forced us into staying at home and now people especially the men are finding it difficult to get back into the swing of things. We are all about 60 and it has become difficult to return to what was normal. Would your dh go out during the day, say at the weekend for lunch or a forest walk. Maybe as he has got older work is taking more out of him so he is extra tired. Is he dealing with people all day and then craving quietness?
But definitely go out as much as you can yourself with your friends, a new hobby or the gym whatever would make your life more exciting.

Cresscendo yep DH goes to work, sits in his chair until bedtime. When he is sitting in his chair he is either asleep or talking about work. As time goes on, his enthusiasm for doing anything is getting less and less...

These men sound dreadful, were they like this one you met and married them?

53 is so young though! 30 years is a long time to live with someone so anti social.

Have you been going out by yourself since last time you posted in July?

Is he very tired from his work. My DH worked long hours in a busy and challenging job and he was exhausted a lot of the time. He is retired now and the change in him is remarkable. He is almost unrecognisable. He is still a homebody but he is so much happier.

Some rather odd responses on these threads.

Of course this is an issue and the OP should not just be told to just do things on her own.

This is a marriage, a partnership and I assume the OP did not sign up for living with someone who just seats there, does nothing and has decided to give up on any kind of active life.

It must be really lonely not to mention exhausting to have to care for everyone else (kids, parents) then have to spend the rest of your time with a partner who never wants to do anything fun or interesting.

That's a really miserable life OP and I would not be happy to live that way in my early 50s and to have to spend another thirty years or so with someone so disinterested in living.

I would really take a good look at your life and decide whether this is really how you want to spend the rest of your time on this earth: caring for elderly people and bored out of your mind...

Just to update, have taken your advice and joined a few local groups and started going out on my own. I don't feel guilty any more.

I have given up trying to encourage him to do anything, it is up to him