My husband is a recluse

[Mumtothreeandadog]

DH is 53 and has always been quiet but happy to go out. Nothing wild, cinema, meals etc. But he is now getting to the point where he doesn't want to do anything other than work and sleep.

Meanwhile I am trying to juggle children starting to leave home, menopause and care of elderly parent

We have been together 30 years and I love him but I need to get out of the house.

OP you sound like a cracked record. He's not going to change, so do your own thing and stay married or do your own thing and separate.

Does he drink?

OP this thread has been running for a while. You need to decide whether to accept your DH as the person he is or move on. Be gentle with him.

This has been going on for months now, you need to decide either to put up with it or leave.

What type of heart disease did his DF have - was it the same fatigue which can lead to depression.

Or has he just checked out of family life and the marriage?

I think I would insist on him having a doctor's appointment just in case on the off chance he has something up with him. If you get an all clear then I'd be making my own plans for life without him.

And the same goes if he refuses to go to the doctor.

Bumping this - I am OP with different username. I've started to carve out a life for myself, weekends are getting harder though as everyone is doing there own thing. DH is sleeping and sitting down more. Dog walks have got shorter. He had a health check at work and they said he was showing a high sugar level. His DF had diabetes and would explain all the napping but he is burying his head in the sand. I'm even more unhappy than I was before

He's only 53 or 54 or something!
He definitely should not need to nap during the day if he's getting 7hrs sleep or so.
Is he overweight?
Does he snore a lot?
Does he drink alcohol most nights?

Seaweed42
He is 54

Yes overweight
Yes snore
No alcohol

He is driving me mad

Op
Life is way too short to continue like this. I would absolutely leave him. If he like this now what will he be like when he is 60.

Only you can change your own destiny.

It doesn’t sound like he wants to change so if you’re not happy, you will have to.

Either accept it or leave. I know what I would do - before you become his carer because this is inevitable with his health conditions.

I had a friend who was like this at the same age. His wife had led a separate life for years as well as doing everything around the house, the children etc. When they divorced, she had a great social life and he literally came home from work and sat in an armchair scrolling on his iPad, which is how he also spent weekends, including when he had the children. Who understandably weren’t impressed.

Another one saying leave him. He isn’t going to change and you deserve more than this.

Is there some reason you don’t seem to want to consider leaving him? Seems like you’re just incompatible now, no point wasting any more of your life when you can move on. Life is for living!

If he snores and falls asleep every day then he needs to be assessed for sleep apnea. Does he have periods where he's snoring then stops breathing for a couple of seconds?
The lack of oxygen at night then leads to tiredness and no energy the next day.

He should go to the GP and get referred to a sleep clinic. If he's has no energy all day and is falling asleep that's not normal at his age and there's a medical issue of some sort going on.

Have you told him you notice that he has changed in the past while and lost his energy and will to do things during the day?

He could be depressed but just covering it up with watching TV/over sleeping.
A low dose of an anti-depressant could work wonders.

OP I suggest you focus on carving a life for yourself and let your husband continue to do (or not do) as he prefers.

See your friends socially, identify hobbies you want to pursue, join clubs you'd enjoy (theatre, cinema, walking/hiking/dancing, etc). He is an adult doing what he wishes - you should do the same.

Do an audit of your finances and see where you can save money then make sure you discreetly save as much as possible into a bank account only you have knowledge and access to and maximise payments into your pension if at all possible, because there's going to come a day when you no longer wish to be with him (eg when he/you reach retirement age if not before) and that cash cushion will come in very handy in ensuring you have a better life. 🌹

I can't leave him. I have 3 DC with him. Okay they are in their 20s now but still live at home

Of course you can leave him. If the only reason for staying is your adult children, then that's madness. They would want you (and your husband) to be happy.

If there's other reasons that you don't want to discuss, fair enough, but you definitely don't have to stay for your children.

I hope you work something out that allows you to be happy, whether it's with or without your partner.

What is the bloody point of him? Once your kids leave home you should go with them. He won't even notice.

Sadly I feel the majority problem is with yourself and your trying to shuffle it onto him.

It's up to you what you do but he isn't going to change. Your kids will probably leave soon and then what will your life look like? You've potentially got another 40 or 50 years of this.

Just bumping this.....

Feeling a bit guilty as lost touch with a lot of my mum friends I made during the school playground days, one in particular was very supportive. But due to DH not wanting to go out, sleeping most of day when he is not working, I've been forced to start doing my own thing. As a consequence I've lost touch witb some of those playground mums as we now move in very different circles

Are the mum’s on socials? Add them?

Have you told your DH how you feel? That you want him to go out more? He’s sleeping his life away.