My husband is a recluse

[Mumtothreeandadog]

DH is 53 and has always been quiet but happy to go out. Nothing wild, cinema, meals etc. But he is now getting to the point where he doesn't want to do anything other than work and sleep.

Meanwhile I am trying to juggle children starting to leave home, menopause and care of elderly parent

We have been together 30 years and I love him but I need to get out of the house.

Well I booked an experience for his Christmas present as a big fat hint for a weekend away, he has taken the bait

Just an update - I am doing far more for myself now but DH seems to be getting worse. He is staying in bed at the weekends a lot longer, perhaps I am being unreasonable as he gets up early for work every morning. We used to walk our dog together at the weekends but he doesn't want to do that now, he stays in bed.

I feel so lonely, our kids are growing up and will not be long until they leave home. It feels like I will be left with an 80 year old man not a mid 50s man.

@Mumtothreeandadog Apologies if this is really obvious and you’ve done it, but have you sat down with him and explained how you feel and the sadness you experience contemplating that your future when the kids move out might be so different to what you imagined?

I wouldn’t use any “you” language like “you’re so lazy, you sleep all the time, you only work” but make it about me. “I love you and always looked forward to this time in our marriage/ I want to experience new things with you as we start this next chapter/ this seems like a time for us and we’ll have more freedom and spontaneity, but I feel worried you don’t see things in the same way as I do”

I'd leave if he won't change his ways this would be too much a boring sad life for me.

He needs to see a doctor. He is in a relationship and has to make some input. I read an article recently that the biggest problem in a relationship is often lack of social interaction. Maybe encourage him to go to the doctor as he may have an under active thyroid or be anemic.
Don't mention depression. Hopefully the doctor will be wise enough to pick up on that.
Remember it's OK to make some demands on him.. insist on the GP by saying you are worried about his health and want to know that all is well.

Have you spoken to him about this? Have you told him how lonely you are feeling?

I would be quite concerned for his health - physical and or mental. It seems he is pretty much sleeping all the time. That isn't normal. He really needs to go and have a check up. It could be depression, it could be his thyroid, it could be who knows what.

I’m still struggling to understand. Does he have a hard physical job that is now taking it out of him? Or an office job where his role is under threat? He could be depressed or tired because of this. Tbf he just sounds exhausted - not unusual at his age.

I know someone in a marriage like this. She just goes out and does her own thing. They literally spend no time together, even at home. Just lead completely separate lives. It’s no way to live. In your shoes I would give him an ultimatum. Go to the doctor and sort himself out or you leave. It will only get worse.

It sounds utterly tedious for you. Never mind you going out on your own, who wants to feel so stagnant in a marriage at such a young age?

I’d start to lose respect for someone with so little get up and go, especially if they can’t even be bothered to go to the doctor or take any ownership of it.

I’m getting a bit like your DH. We do go out walking, to the gym and pool and holidays however, every time we’ve been out for a meal since lockdown it’s been expensive and mediocre at best. We are going away for a few days over Easter and we have a few restaurants booked but I’m beginning to think I can’t face them and I’d prefer to buy some nice simple food locally and cook it for us all instead. It is a mindset. I hate the fact that I always overeat at restaurants too and that over full feeling. DH loves eating out though. Dear children not fussed because they are on a healthy diet kick at the moment. I’ve cancelled the restaurant on the first night but hopefully for DH’s happiness and enjoyment on the holiday I will change my mindset and enjoy a meal out in a restaurant later in the holiday. It does play on my mind though so I can empathise with your DH and you it’s not an easy mindset to get out of and I think lockdown has made it worse.

Another vote for time for a serious conversation. You are worried about him, he's not making any effort in life at all and it's not fair on you.

Let him know how awful it's making you feel and suggest that he needs to go to the doctor as he's not a boring elderly man but he's behaving like one so you need to find the physical cause.

I'd assume it is something physical - I'm including depression or anxiety in that by the way - rather than he's had a personality transplant.

I couldn't live with someone like this. Living on your own would be far preferable than this.

What's the GP ( if you can get to see one) going to do anyway.

I felt that I had to respond to this!

Op, you are living the exact same life as my mum did. My Dad got very overweight and lazy, and just didn't want to do anything except stay at home. It worsened massively when he retired.

He just stopped taking her out and they stopped going on holiday. He was also sleeping far too much - taking multiple naps in the day and flaking out at 9pm (he is a heavy drinker).

She stayed with him, and they just became passing ships, because their sleep schedules were not aligned. My Mum became very lonely - at night time she would go on to her computer and play solitaire whilst he snored away in another room.

If she had been with another man, her retirement could have been wonderful. In fact, my DH's father and his partner (who are 74 & 68) are living the life I wish she could have had - they are just back from touring India, and are booked to go to the far east next month, and at some point they're going on a Safari. My Mum would have loved all that (it was her dream to go to India), but instead she lived out her days with a husband who was permanently asleep in the arm chair, with his mouth gaping open.

Sadly, she died a 2 years ago, and we moved Dad in to a retirement village (at his request). He has now seemingly "come to life". He has a mobility scooter and there is an on site bar where he drinks copious amounts of alcohol most nights with his new friends, before zipping back up to his apartment to pass out. I'm glad he's happy, but it's bittersweet when I think of how my Mum spent her retirement doing nothing.

Me and DH are now in our 50's, and both determined not to fall into a pattern like theirs. We take regular long haul holidays. We don't really have hobbies, but we do watch TV together every night and binge watch box sets and we go out for dinner/cinema etc.

I think in your shoes, I would just start booking stuff and see if you can pep him up. If funds allow, I'd book a holiday abroad. Even if it's just a lazy beach holiday - there's a lot to be said for lazing in the sun, and then having dinner and wine at night, followed by dancing. Start there and see if you can muster up some enthusiasm. Has to be worth a try after 30 years.

But if he just won't budge, it might be time to think about how you really want to live out the next 30 years. Life is short, you don't want to spend the rest of yours rooted to the sofa.

Eh? He's 53. I'm 53 and not one tiny bit exhausted.

My DH is very similar so I can speak with some authority on this . He is depressed and takes sertralinecand has had some successful CBT on the phone- during lockdown - and in person. He likes reading and has a treadmill he goes on . But I like to go out in the fresh air and meet my friends etc . I still continue to do this regardless of DH. I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt about this because he wouldn't want to anyway . He likes reading going on treadmill and watching TV these are not affected even slightly my activities so why should I care ? You can't let your partner drag you down . We do some things together as well - we both like the theatre and pub quizzes - but it can feel like I'm dragging a fridge !

I feel exactly the same .

Sorry this was to @Thebreakfastclub2023

Some people just get like that as they get older! My dad was like it, but so is my mum... so it worked fine for them.

Just as a heads-up, I have had 2 experiences with men who have become like this (a long term relationship and, ironically the rebound that followed it). The common factor was heart issues, both genetic. It seemed to physically slow them down. Would your husband consider a MOT?

I'd have an honest conversation about it first.

I will reply again later but just to say he doesn't have a physical job. I haven't asked him but I know he won't go to the Dr's. His father had massive heart problems and I am concerned that he may have too. He will continue to bury his head in the sand.

So do many of us
for many it’s a been there done that seen it and all good no need to see more

from feel this way about travel now

but I like going out and I’d just agree with him I’ll be joining a social group and going out he’s welcome to come or stay home

being married doesn’t mean living the same exact life

I think your focus needs to be on getting him out to a doctor, not getting him out to the theatre.

DH was sleeping again, I was feeling lonely, frustrated and bored. So I decided to clean the porch and move some shoes around, not the most exciting job but that is how bored I was! DD then shouted at me for moving her shoes waking DH up. He then had a good at me for cleaning and moving things, I was like for fu@k sake, I was only doing it because you were sleeping again.

Tried to talk to him a few days later, told him how I was feeling and that maybe he should go to the Dr's. He dismissed it and is carrying on dozing. He said he is happy for me to do my own thing, but I am trying to get across that we are housemates not husband and wife. He says I'm over reacting.

He doesn't want to do anything any more, he doesn't have a physical job. He used to be happy and doing things when we were younger before we had DC and then with DC. I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think we might go out somewhere together am I? All we do together is walk the dog and sometimes he doesn't even want to do that

I’d have another go at getting him to a dr for blood tests at least. He could be anaemia or have Vitamin D or B12 deficiency. Could be loads of other things too but those are the on3 I know cause tiredness.
Then book yourself on a holiday. Go to Paris, Barcelona, or somewhere in Britain that interests you. Do something for yourself.