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Original poster

My husband is a recluse

101 replies

Mumtothreeandadog · 25/07/2022 11:46

DH is 53 and has always been quiet but happy to go out. Nothing wild, cinema, meals etc. But he is now getting to the point where he doesn't want to do anything other than work and sleep.

Meanwhile I am trying to juggle children starting to leave home, menopause and care of elderly parent

We have been together 30 years and I love him but I need to get out of the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtothreeandadog · 01/01/2023 09:57

Bumping this... DH has been in bed all morning and only just got up.

OP posts:
Iwanttoslowdown · 01/01/2023 10:03

If you play this forward you will drift away from each other. I think it’s really sad that your OH doesn’t even think about the ‘us’ bit of your lives.

Zanatdy · 01/01/2023 10:07

Why feel guilt? He doesn’t want to go out, fine, don’t let it stop you from living life

ApolloandDaphne · 01/01/2023 10:11

Mumtothreeandadog · 01/01/2023 09:57

Bumping this... DH has been in bed all morning and only just got up.

It's only 10 am on New Year's Day. I suspect most people are having a long lie and a relaxing day. I'm still in my pyjamas. It doesn't nullify your feelings about your DH in general but I don't think this is an issue today.

Anotheryear23 · 01/01/2023 10:13

All morning? Tbf it is New Year’s Day. There will be millions of people around the country still in bed.

ImBlueDab · 01/01/2023 10:24

Tbh I've only just got up...

purpledalmation · 01/01/2023 10:31

I'd be encouraging DH to see a dr. Sounds like he has depression

Towcat15 · 01/01/2023 10:31

Why are you bumping? Are you hoping for different advice?

Dery · 01/01/2023 10:41

“It's only 10 am on New Year's Day. I suspect most people are having a long lie and a relaxing day. I'm still in my pyjamas. It doesn't nullify your feelings about your DH in general but I don't think this is an issue today.”

OP - your expectations seem a bit excessive. DH and I only got up at 10 am. We’re the only people up out 9 people (mixture of family and friends).

But as regards the overall pattern, I agree it’s a very dull way to live at any age, never mind 53. Could your DH be depressed?

LoveFoolMe · 01/01/2023 10:50

What are you most concerned about @Mumtothreeandadog ?

Mary46 · 01/01/2023 11:05

Well done joining new things. Op does he do holidays anything? God would hate that. I find we have a dog so he gets us both out. At least you are meeting people

butterfliedtwo · 01/01/2023 11:09

Good for you getting out more but your expectations for new year's day is too high.

Original poster
Mumtothreeandadog · 01/01/2023 11:21

I understand its New Year's Day so DH wants a lie in but it is every day that he is not working and he naps in the evening. I feel very alone

OP posts:
Bemoreatticus · 01/01/2023 12:11

Reading the whole thread, I see a big problem.

I am more introverted than my hb so he goes out more often than me but I still love going out with him for a meal or to the cinema or the theatre. We go on holiday together. In other words we still invest time in our marriage and couple time.

From what you say, your hb has checked out. He isn't paying any attention to your needs or wanting to spend any time together. It's not even like you are even binge watching a series on tv together and discussing plot lines, as you say he falls asleep every evening.

I don't know whether he has anxiety, depression or is exhausted but if your marriage is going to survive he needs to make some kind of effort with you as a couple. I assume he was not always like this?

I do think going out yourself is good for your mh but longer term you will need to tackle the problem and talk with him about how he is making you feel.

category12 · 01/01/2023 12:14

Maybe if he's genuinely happy lounging about, it's time to move on? It seems to upset or vex you that he's so lazy, but if he's happy like it, maybe you're just incompatible these days?

I don't blame you for feeling that way, btw, I mean, surely the point of having a partner is someone to do things with as a couple sometimes. Not joined at the hip, but at least some of the time.

Obviously you can seek companionship elsewhere and pursue your own hobbies as you have been doing. Is it enough to have him to come back to? Are you happy?

Eleganz · 01/01/2023 12:32

Has he had a blood test for diabetes? Just a thought.

He could just be a severe introvert who has lost the energy for social interactions as he ages.

He could be depressed or just unhappy with life in general or his current situation.

He could be unhappy with you as well, you don't sound very happy with him and perhaps he knows this, that can be a vicious circle.

I could keep on, there are lots of reasons for why he is acting the way he is. You will need to try and understand him better to find out. Do you talk to him much about this beyond asking him what he likes to do?

Original poster
Mumtothreeandadog · 01/01/2023 14:36

He is nodding off again on the sofa. I have tried talking to him but hasn't worked. I haven't asked him about going to the Dr's but I know he won't go. I am slowly building up my network so i have a life when DC leave

OP posts:
TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 01/01/2023 14:44

He isn't going to change; this is who he is now. It happens to many men at around this age.

Don't keep hoping he'll be different - that'll only result in disappointment and sadness.

Keep going out, keep doing all the things that excite you and feed your soul/mind. Build a strong friendship network and a life for yourself outside your home.

Try to shift your focus completely from doing things outside the home with him. Instead see what you can do together with him at home to keep your relationship developing together, connected and intimate. If it transpires that he's not willing to see/hear you and connect with you at all anymore, even at home, then you'll have to decide whether that's the kind of life you want to have for 30-odd years to come.

PatchworkSilver · 01/01/2023 16:44

I feel you op... my DH is a really nice man and he did a lot around the house and works hard, from home. But has no desire to mix with anyone outside the house... he's just not very sociable. He's perfectly nice to my mum when she visits, and he's helpful to my dc, but he didn't really make much conversation with them. I like and need social contact and I've just joined a yoga class... I've tried to encourage him to take up a hobby or to connect with a few friends partners, but he just says he's not got the time. Everything feels very dull a lot of the time and I feel like the social glue at home. It's a hard one as I'm aware that there are many delaunay worse in do many ways, but feeling so flat in a relationship is no good either... . I've tried talking to him, but unlike your dh, he just says 'I'm fine'... solidarity to you op

Edinburghmusing · 01/01/2023 16:47

What kinds of thing did you use to do?

DarkKarmaIlama · 01/01/2023 16:55

Happened to my parents. They’re still together but my mum had to create a life without him so to speak. She reengaged with friends/hobbies etc and now just leaves him be. He’s actually happy enough to be honest but is happy at home. They seem to tick along togetner okay anyway now but at first there was a readjustment. It is a disappointment really but one my mum got over.

goldennotyetoldie · 01/01/2023 17:06

I'd struggle with that.

My in laws are the same in that PIL used to go out and travel, out for dinner etc and now won't /can't. My MIL struggles with it and feels lonely and misses out on holidays etc. It's quite sad to see. They love each other so much.

I think that in any relationship that's previously been balanced to the needs and wants of both, to move to a more one-sided 'my needs are more important than yours' -however it manifests - is a problem.

I'd approach it from that angle with him and see if you can negotiate a better balance. You'd need to set out specific, reasonable needs for you and he can do the same.

If he won't discuss it or do anything to change I'd consider ending it. You'd be building a life by yourself anyway so at that point there's not a lot more to lose. You are young enough to start again.

I'd give it another shot but with a firm end date to reassess.

Catmuffin · 01/01/2023 17:32

It's good to have friendships outside the marriage anyway. When my dh died I was able to continue seeing my friends. You hear about people being widowed and then having no one to do things with

Original poster
Mumtothreeandadog · 03/01/2023 13:47

Before DC we used to go out for.meals, holidays, cinema, pub. Nothing fancy, all the usual things that 20 somethings do. When DC were little, he used to come with and without me to get them and me out of the house when he wasn't working. I used to think how lucky I am compared to single mums. Now DC are becoming independent he does nothing other than work or sleep leaving me lonely. When we are both not working we will sometimes walk the dog together but it takes DH forever to get out of bed, even the DC notice. I could go to a fitness class at the weekend but hang on at home waiting for him to get up.

For those of you who have parents in similar circumstances what did their mums do? His DF was exactly the same so I fear it is going to get worse, but MIL had a social life based around Church

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/01/2023 13:54

I’d you booked cinema tickets, a weekend away or a table at a restaurant … what would he say? Would he go?