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Pregnant and my husband's is now partying every weekend and being horrible
103

Natureisjoy · 25/07/2022 00:14

Hello all,

I don't know what to do. We are both in our early 30s and I'm 7months pregnant (planned baby) and over the last 4 months my husband has been distant and mean. In the beginning he was supportive and caring for me when I was going through morning sickness etc. He was doing most of the house work, cooking etc so I could rest. All of a sudden when I hit my second trimester, he has become a party animal. (We used to go out on weekly dates, cocktails etc and he's always been more of a partying person than me, but we had a good balance) Now, he's going out every weekend, sometimes Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Some nights he comes homes at 6am, others 9am others not at all. He doesn't come home before 5.30am. Sometimes I know where he is, other times I have no clue and he rejects my calls when I call him when he's on these nights out. This has been going on for the last 4months. Previously in our relationship he used to answer my calls even on lads nights out or when he was at the gym even to say "I'm a bit busy atm can I call you back later". So I don't understand why now when I'm most vulnerable he is so mean and when I ask him why he's doing this he has no response and seems not to care.

We've argued non stop due to this, as I've expressed to him that I would appreciate him communicating with me. It's frustrating and stressful to come home to find him not there and not have a clue where he is or if he's coming home that night etc. I don't mind him going out, but all I ask for is communication and for him to aim to get home at a reasonable time, not 7/8am. Some days he comes home just to shower and goes to work drunk. Which I think is really irresponsible as there's a lot of drink driving too involved.

We are not that financially well off either, so I worry about the money he spends on these nights out. One night he spent £200 in one night. He's even spent money from our savings on his binge nights. He also hasn't bonded with the pregnancy. Strangers are more excited about my bump than him, he can't even bring himself to touch my bump nor does he ask me how the baby is doing, if it's moving etc. He'll call me and ask me how my day is at work etc, but no acknowledgement of the growing baby. I have asked him before about his feelings about the pregnancy and I have told him how I'm worried about him not showing much interest in the baby. He denies that he has negative feelings about the baby and just says "he enjoys hanging out with his mates and drinking is how he socialises".

I feel I've reached a dead end. He apologises about going out, not coming home and being unreachable when I get upset but come weekend, he does it all over again. So we argue again. When he gets drunk there's no reasoning with him and he never wants the party to end . Hence he ends up at people's houses even strangers he just met after the club drinking until morning (he has always liked partying but then it was once a while so I just let him be). I just don't understand why all of a sudden now of all times he has decided this is the life he wants to live every week. I'm so stressed and I haven't been sleeping well for months now due to his behaviour. I've done the baby list alone. We don't have a lot of funds to buy all the essentials and yet he still spends our money on partying. I'm ready to walk away and I just feel sorry for my baby as his father has completely let us down.

I've heard people say men can take time to be happy about impending parenthood. But I don't know how to live with someone who is behaving like this. I'm even questioning his fidelity, as I am concerned of the number of nights he hasn't slept at home. He denies any infidelity and says he's just at his boys house drinking.

Sorry for the long message. I'm at a cross roads of whether I should give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be taking time to come to terms with the baby or walk away (7yr relationship, 3 year marriage) and become a single parent.

Thank you for your advice in advance

OP's posts:
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Hawkins001 · 25/07/2022 00:18

Sounds like either, it's affairs, parties, or covert business ?

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Hawkins001 · 25/07/2022 00:19

All the best and positivity op

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CockSpadget · 25/07/2022 00:19

Well if this carries on after you've had the baby, you might as well be a single parent, because you are going to be in your own the majority of the time anyway.
Sorry OP but I think he's having an affair, and/or probably using cocaine.
You absolutely need to get out of this relationship. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

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Bunty55 · 25/07/2022 00:22

Whatever you decide to do this can't continue OP. You have to make a decision for your sake and that of your child.
I would have kicked this waste of space to the kerb by now

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WeAreBob · 25/07/2022 00:33

I know what I'd do. I'd have done it already. But since you haven't, and you're on here asking if he deserves the benefit of the doubt, I don't think you will do it.

You know you need to wrap away. Take half/75% of the joint savings account and go. If your name is on the account then you can take it. You've got a couple months to get yourself set up before the baby comes.

But this post comes up every week on here and the women just stay and put up with it so.. yeah, I'm guessing you'll stay.

Good luck anyway.

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Tootiredorcare · 25/07/2022 00:44

This has literally broke my heart reading this as a mother myself I know how hormonal and emotional I felt when pregnant and having your partner bring on this added stress is just not necessary, I have just became single after a 6 years relationship due to cheating and my heart was in a million pieces but I was not pregnant so I couldn’t even begin to imagine how your feeling laying awake at night wondering where the hell he is and who he is with not wanting to phone to many times otherwise you look obsessed feeling sick in the pit of your stomach, a lot of people are going to say leave him I would of done it along time ago things are easier said than done, I have no advise to offer as I understand how difficult this situation is and it’s not as simple as just leaving, I just wanted to say am thinking about you and am giving you a big hug

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Tootiredorcare · 25/07/2022 00:46

if you ever need to chat my message box is always open

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Missisipihallelujah · 25/07/2022 00:48

He is a selfish prick and hardly sounding mature and responsible for fatherhood. Maybe issue him with an ultimatum. Shape up or ship out.

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GreenLunchBox · 25/07/2022 00:50

CockSpadget · 25/07/2022 00:19

Well if this carries on after you've had the baby, you might as well be a single parent, because you are going to be in your own the majority of the time anyway.
Sorry OP but I think he's having an affair, and/or probably using cocaine.
You absolutely need to get out of this relationship. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

This poster just said everything I was going to.

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dizzydizzydizzy · 25/07/2022 00:53

Contact women's Aid and your GP urgently. This sounds very bad.

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GeorgiaGirl52 · 25/07/2022 03:58

WeAreBob · 25/07/2022 00:33

I know what I'd do. I'd have done it already. But since you haven't, and you're on here asking if he deserves the benefit of the doubt, I don't think you will do it.

You know you need to wrap away. Take half/75% of the joint savings account and go. If your name is on the account then you can take it. You've got a couple months to get yourself set up before the baby comes.

But this post comes up every week on here and the women just stay and put up with it so.. yeah, I'm guessing you'll stay.

Good luck anyway.

This poster is right. I hope you get out physically and financially and have a
stable situation by the time the baby is born. But it is more likely that in three years you will post another message that you have a toddler and are pregnant again and your husband is still being a party animal but you can't afford to leave.

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Funkykitty · 25/07/2022 05:01

Tell him if he continues to act like a single man with no responsibilities, not to bother comming home. You and your baby deserve better.

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ImustLearn2Cook · 25/07/2022 05:07

@Natureisjoy After 7years of being together, 3 years married and having planned this pregnancy together and a future as a family; you must be completely blindsided and shocked.

He is behaving appallingly and treating you very badly.

Put you and baby first, look after yourself and do whatever you can to protect yourself before he spends all your savings and you are left destitute and trapped.

I’m sorry it’s turned out like this. Being a single mum is so much better then living with someone who treats you badly. And eventually heartbreak heals.

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Shoxfordian · 25/07/2022 05:32

Yeah tell him to either get his act together and start being around for you or to leave

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Catlover1970 · 25/07/2022 05:37

Firstly he is in no way interested in being a father - you say the pregnancy was planned????? He is disrespecting you on every level and I can’t believe you’ve put up with it for 4 months - this will only get worse. I’m guessing too they you will put up with it so sending you hugs xx

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JustHarriet · 25/07/2022 05:48

Abuse often kicks off after a wedding, during pregnancy, after childbirth or once a woman is a sahm, basically events when commitment seems more fixed. The change can feel quite sudden, as you've described. He is becoming mean now because he feels you won't leave. Everything you are describing fits the description of abuse. He is one of the type that apologises but continues to disregard you. Some will not apologize, and deny they've done anything wrong, but either way, it's abusive and it is very unlikely he will change. You'll need to gather your resources and get what support you can. There is women's aid. There is information online. MN is filled with threads about women in similar situations. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Facing the truth you will be able to move towards a better life rather than putting up with this disregard - you don't deserve it.

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grumpynamechange · 25/07/2022 06:14

Reading this, i thought "other woman" or "cocaine". I'd leave him now and see if he changes before considering taking him back. Better now than with a newborn.

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cocktailclub · 25/07/2022 06:43

So sorry this has happened.
I think it's a warning of things to come.
Like others have said I would leave now.
If this is just some sort of last ditch attempt at freedom because he's scared about fatherhood then he can always come back. But I don't think it is. As pp said I think it's his true self coming to light as he sees you as dependent on him.
I would honestly plan to separate ASAP. This is bad now but will be worse with a newborn. Move the money out of your savings account. Start to make plans and regain control. Stop calling him or texting him at weekends.
Do you have any family support?

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oobeedoobee · 25/07/2022 06:55

Protect your unborn baby by moving ALL your savings into an account he cannot access, because you need that money to provide for your child. Make sure you have separate account for your wages and child allowance to go into too.

Make plans to either move out or to get him kicked out, because the stress and arguements aren't going to get less, they're going to increase as your pregnancy progresses.

See a solicitor asap to get your rights explained and your options explained, then act in the best interests of you and your baby (because he sure as hell won't consider either of you !)

Speak to your family and friends about what's happening, because you need real life support with this. Whatever you do, DON'T keep his appalling behaviour and financial abuse a secret ! (spending your savings on alcohol instead of using it for baby expenses IS financial abuse ! What the hell are you going to use to buy baby equipment ?)

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Unanananana · 25/07/2022 07:00

Shop him for the drink driving for a start. He may kill someone.

Then, stop being so passive. You have agency and don't have to just put up with thia treatment. Think about you and your child and get you both out. Take any savings that are left and go.

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Mindymomo · 25/07/2022 07:04

You are 7 months pregnant and will go into labour any time soon.
Does he want to be at the birth? If he does he needs to stay sober and be contactable 24/7. Is he going to any anti natal classes, scans and appointments with you, as it sounds like he just isn’t engaged with fatherhood at all. You need to ask him straight if he’s not going to step up to being a parent, then you might as well be a single mother.

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HollowTalk · 25/07/2022 07:06

It's clearly sex and cocaine. You have no reason to think he's going to change when the baby arrives. Personally I'd sort myself out and plan a life without him I'm afraid.

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Mybeautifulfriend22 · 25/07/2022 07:07

Time for action for babies sake. Secure the savings and money before he spends it all and time to plan to leave. This is hideous.

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Pinkbonbon · 25/07/2022 07:13

Sod that. He's a shit. There's no excuse for being mean to your partner. None. Abuse often beings when women get pregnant.

Please leave this fucker before you have the baby and are too tired to do so for a while.

All else aside. Move your money to your own bank account ASAP. Seriously the bastard has a cheek. Spending not only his money but your money on boozing too. And I agree with pp that this whole thing screams cocaine use too.

I'd get out and put in a claim for child maintenance ASAP. Fuck him.

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ffsnotagainandagain · 25/07/2022 07:14

Wow what an ass. Can you imagine having a newborn and him still doing this. He needs to sort himself out or get out.

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