Pregnant and my husband's is now partying every weekend and being horrible

[Natureisjoy]

Hello all,

I don't know what to do. We are both in our early 30s and I'm 7months pregnant (planned baby) and over the last 4 months my husband has been distant and mean. In the beginning he was supportive and caring for me when I was going through morning sickness etc. He was doing most of the house work, cooking etc so I could rest. All of a sudden when I hit my second trimester, he has become a party animal. (We used to go out on weekly dates, cocktails etc and he's always been more of a partying person than me, but we had a good balance) Now, he's going out every weekend, sometimes Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Some nights he comes homes at 6am, others 9am others not at all. He doesn't come home before 5.30am. Sometimes I know where he is, other times I have no clue and he rejects my calls when I call him when he's on these nights out. This has been going on for the last 4months. Previously in our relationship he used to answer my calls even on lads nights out or when he was at the gym even to say "I'm a bit busy atm can I call you back later". So I don't understand why now when I'm most vulnerable he is so mean and when I ask him why he's doing this he has no response and seems not to care.

We've argued non stop due to this, as I've expressed to him that I would appreciate him communicating with me. It's frustrating and stressful to come home to find him not there and not have a clue where he is or if he's coming home that night etc. I don't mind him going out, but all I ask for is communication and for him to aim to get home at a reasonable time, not 7/8am. Some days he comes home just to shower and goes to work drunk. Which I think is really irresponsible as there's a lot of drink driving too involved.

We are not that financially well off either, so I worry about the money he spends on these nights out. One night he spent £200 in one night. He's even spent money from our savings on his binge nights. He also hasn't bonded with the pregnancy. Strangers are more excited about my bump than him, he can't even bring himself to touch my bump nor does he ask me how the baby is doing, if it's moving etc. He'll call me and ask me how my day is at work etc, but no acknowledgement of the growing baby. I have asked him before about his feelings about the pregnancy and I have told him how I'm worried about him not showing much interest in the baby. He denies that he has negative feelings about the baby and just says "he enjoys hanging out with his mates and drinking is how he socialises".

I feel I've reached a dead end. He apologises about going out, not coming home and being unreachable when I get upset but come weekend, he does it all over again. So we argue again. When he gets drunk there's no reasoning with him and he never wants the party to end . Hence he ends up at people's houses even strangers he just met after the club drinking until morning (he has always liked partying but then it was once a while so I just let him be). I just don't understand why all of a sudden now of all times he has decided this is the life he wants to live every week. I'm so stressed and I haven't been sleeping well for months now due to his behaviour. I've done the baby list alone. We don't have a lot of funds to buy all the essentials and yet he still spends our money on partying. I'm ready to walk away and I just feel sorry for my baby as his father has completely let us down.

I've heard people say men can take time to be happy about impending parenthood. But I don't know how to live with someone who is behaving like this. I'm even questioning his fidelity, as I am concerned of the number of nights he hasn't slept at home. He denies any infidelity and says he's just at his boys house drinking.

Sorry for the long message. I'm at a cross roads of whether I should give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be taking time to come to terms with the baby or walk away (7yr relationship, 3 year marriage) and become a single parent.

Thank you for your advice in advance

take all the money you can and leave now! He’s literally pissing it up the wall, you need it to fund mat leave. Can you stay with family for a while op?

Hes going out to have sex or do cocaine, Or both.
I would be leaving as its likely to get worse when there is a screaming baby about requiring your attention every minute of the day.

Is he going to be drunk/over the limit when he drives you to the hospital in Labour? Or when he drives your baby home?

Get real life support, tell your family and friends. Don’t be ashamed. People will want to support you. Ask/tell him to leave. Maybe it will be a wake up call for him and he will change. Or he won’t in which case he’s better off gone.

He isn’t going to change.
Its best you leave now while there’s only you, and get yourself ready for baby.
Do you have family you can go to ?
Do you own your home ?
Do you have your own bank account ?

1. Move all (or at least your share) of the savings into an account he cannot access.
2. Kick him out or move out.
3. Don’t be sucked back in by feeble apologies.
4. He cannot be trusted, he’s shown you repeatedly how little respect he has for you. Don’t expect that to change because there is a baby needing him as well.
5. It’ll be much harder to leave once the baby is here.

He’s clearly got an issue with alcohol and drinking and it sounds like you’ve both just pretended for years that isn’t the case. It’s now escalating, probably because of the impending responsibility. Previously you partied with him, so I suppose you didn’t realise the extent.

Get away from this selfish idiot or risk being dragged down with him.

Surely OP can end the relationship without her GP’s input? NHS overrun enough!

But in response to OP
Do you feel you can emotionally, financially and practically depend on and trust your husband?

I’d be thinking drugs or another woman too. Don’t worry about leaving, if a pg woman leaves her partner people will know somethings wrong with the dad because it’s not usual behaviour.

Yep I read this and my first thought was “cocaine”. Leave him now.

F

Remove all your savings into a 30 day notice account or premium bonds so he can't touch it. If you have a joint current account, transfer the excess after bills into a separate account.

Start buying the high value baby items now so there's less accessible money for him to spend. Buy pram, cot, nappies & car seats now so he can't blow £200 on a hangover.

I read on another thread, a poster discretely reported her drunken neighbour to the DVLA for fitness to drive. The driver then has to prove that they're medically fit to drive which might give your dp a shock. He won't know who reported him as he drives to work drunk so it could be anyone:

contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture_transaction_type?transaction_type_id=drivers_medical?locale=en

If I turned up to my old work drunk, I'd be facing a disciplinary and possibly lose my job. I'm surprised this hasn't been picked up by his employers as he's not partying, he's turning up to work drunk.

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree, this is more than alcohol. Leave him, be prepared to do this alone. Have you got friends and family to support in real life.

I would not even accept my husband going out on the drink and staying out all night til 6:30am even once a year, so I think you are being a doormat. No way is his behaviour remotely acceptable as a married man and father to be. No way! It's the behaviour of a 19 year old partying bachelor with a serious drinking problem, pissing all your and your child's money up a wall. Not a mature man. He does this because you've always allowed it. It happened with my DH ONCE. And that was it. It NEVER happened again and I would never have allowed it to ever happen again. You've been a doormat for years and he's now upping the ante. He is not even husband material, and he is most definitely not father material. He apologises and does it again because he knows you let him. Pack your back and leave for a few days and give him an ultimatum. While you're gone he's to book into AA or some type of counselling, or you will be serving him divorce papers.

And mean it!!

This is no life for you. You have a partying frat boy who thinks all about himself living the single life. He doesn't give a flying f about you. You are better off leaving and preparing for the birth alone, because remaining with him is causing you stress and you can least afford your health to be at risk while you are pregnant. Being on your own while pregnant might be hard but you won't have the worry of waiting up wondering where frat boy is. Out of sight, out of mind. You'll have less stress on your own in the lead up to the birth believe me.

Some men are terrified of being a father. Other men know the woman is now trapped for 18 years and behave terribly. Lots of men are lovely until the woman is pregnant then change. It is not you! I would stop the arguing, detach emotionally, join NCT and as many clubs as you can, build a support network of friends and family and be kind to yourself. You have tried to reason with him and he doesn’t want to know. I would also remove your savings and put them in your own personal savings account. This is a hostile situation and he is no longer your friend or partner. Don’t try to reason with him. Prepare yourself for your life after him. There will be a life after him and even another marriage.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Otherwise you will spend the next ten years in a toxic battle of begging for the crumbs of his attention, humiliating yourself, arguing around your baby before finally splitting.

He thinks you are weak and you can’t cope without him which is why
he is doing this. Be strong. He is jealous of the beautiful baby you are about to have. Put that baby first. When you split claim child maintenance get it taken from his wages if you have to.

He isn’t ready to be a man. If you want to keep your dignity and your sanity take the steps above. Don’t row. Don’t beg. Don’t cry. He has failed to
put his marriage and his baby first and he doesn’t deserve your respect.

He wants you broken and desperate and begging him. Don’t. Be stronger. Laugh in his face. He isn’t good enough for you.

Really OP, sorry to say this but the pregnancy is actually irrelevant in the context of what your marriage has been. Even apart from the pregnancy and his fear of becoming a father, he has been coming and going as he pleases for years. He has treated your home as somewhere he (sometimes) sleeps and gets ready to go partying. Like a boarder who boards a room, has a base, but lives his life 100% in the party scene. He isn't in a 'relationship' with you, he just boards there and comes and goes like you're his landlord. Lurching from drunken night to drunken night.

He has lived this frat boy single lifestyle for years. So even putting aside the pregnancy, he is living the single life. And my advice to you would be the same sans baby. You don't have a marriage. You're a roommate that's all you are sadly. If you leave your stress levels will be better, and it will be better for the baby. You need to put your health and baby first, you can't risk your health and the health of your baby. Staying there another night is jeopardising the health of your baby and yourself.

OP why are you putting up with that? Seriously read that back to yourself. Wtf? For a start he's definitely sleeping with someone else, if not multiple people. Second, even of he wasn't,none of the rest of that is acceptable. Fuck this shit about "sometimes it takes men a while to come round" NO, especially when it's a planned baby.

Have you given an ultimatum? Have you spoken to his parents or siblings and they can talk to him? It could be worth a try. Don't put up with this shit.

Kick his disgusting arse out OP and report him to the police and his work for drunk driving.

What a despicable human being!

Sorry to double dip!

OP you are clinging onto the idea of a happy marriage and family and you can’t bear to let go of it. You are probably hormonal and lonely. I get it. But his actions have shown you that he has already checked out of the marriage, he’s just not man enough to say it. He is not going to see the baby, fall in love and change his behaviour. His behaviour might improve slightly for a short while, until the sleepless nights and daily grind get boring for him.

OP this is not a situation with a happily ever after and I am sorry. The best you can hope for is to salvage your dignity and walk away with head held high and not let him drag you down to his level. He is cheating, taking drugs and being financially irresponsible. If it is known he’s taking drugs, Ss will get involved. You HAVE to put the baby first, even if you won’t put yourself first.

Many of these posters have lived this situation or similar and they are giving you the gift of hindsight.

I know when you are pregnant you need someone to be there, to tell you you are amazing and it’s going to be OK. As he isn’t doing it, take comfort in your friends and family. One day you will allow yourself to get angry at how he has let you down and destroyed your happy marriage. But you have the baby that will bring you so much joy- hold onto that.

I would move all of the savings, and next Friday when he goes out I would report him for drink driving, pack and go to a friend or family members to stay for a week. Let’s be honest, if you don’t properly address this with him now you have no chance and you are a single mum for sure, and giving him a serious message that this is the last chance or it’s done seems to be the only option left here. I’d not answer my phone for a couple of days at least while I did some thinking and then only to explain you need a week and you’ve tried to talk lots of times, you don’t want to talk right now. This week is for you to think.

It's very obvious he has been out having sex with other women. OP needs an STI test. She is pregnant. She really, really needs one.

My now ex-partner was equally as absent throughout my pregnancy, though instead of partying it was “work” CONSTANTLY. Out the house from 7am-11pm most days. Sometimes stayed over in work accommodation. Turns out he was cheating on me and got the other woman pregnant when I was seven months pregnant myself. He had terrible mental health but still not an excuse to behave in the way he did. I spent most of the pregnancy miserable due to his absence and lack of explanation. I obviously got rid when I found out (7 months post birth), and life is amazing. Tricky sometimes and some money worries but nothing major - I never thought I could do it on my own but me and my daughter are thriving. My advice is he’ll never change, you’ll always be worried about it repeating if suddenly he does stops going out. Get him gone and your baby will be so happy in a happy and loving home. My only regret is staying with mine so long, plus he’s actually stepped up a lot now we’re apart - after a couple of initial rocky months he’s more present with her now than he was with me throughout the whole pregnancy. Good luck and you really do have my sympathy because these men can be so shit and make you feel awful

Oh OP my heart goes out to you.

Firstly there is absolutely nothing that excuses his behaviour. Whether he's scared to be a dad or not, we're all scared to be mum's for the first time, it doesn't give us a right to be disrespectful.
Having been disrespected during my pregnancy I am now a single mum and it's the best things I ever did. Standing up for myself and my child and demanding respect.
That's a scary thought I know and I'm not saying to take those steps but I would , as previous posters have suggested, get your duck's in a rope. Tell a family member or close friend so they are ready to support but regardless OP I hope you respect yourself and your baby and stop putting up with this truly awful behaviour.

It sounds as though he's giving you all the ammunition to leave him rather than actually ending the relationship himself.

It's like he's having some sort of crisis but that's really not within your gift to solve.

You need to protect yourself and your child. Next time he's out take the lions share of whatever joint money you have, lock the door and tell him he can return at a mutually agreed time to collect. Belongings and do not engage beyond that. You've a baby due soon so can do without the hassle of finding somewhere else to live. That's his responsibility now

Agree with PP - he wants you to end it OP.

He is giving you plenty of reasons to end it. What a coward. He wants you to do the dirty work so he doesn't have the stigma of leaving a pregnant woman.

I did initially think that you should call his bluff but actually this may escalate the abuse you're suffering.

You're probably best to get out now...