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Original poster

Pregnant and my husband's is now partying every weekend and being horrible

103 replies

Natureisjoy · 25/07/2022 00:14

Hello all,

I don't know what to do. We are both in our early 30s and I'm 7months pregnant (planned baby) and over the last 4 months my husband has been distant and mean. In the beginning he was supportive and caring for me when I was going through morning sickness etc. He was doing most of the house work, cooking etc so I could rest. All of a sudden when I hit my second trimester, he has become a party animal. (We used to go out on weekly dates, cocktails etc and he's always been more of a partying person than me, but we had a good balance) Now, he's going out every weekend, sometimes Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Some nights he comes homes at 6am, others 9am others not at all. He doesn't come home before 5.30am. Sometimes I know where he is, other times I have no clue and he rejects my calls when I call him when he's on these nights out. This has been going on for the last 4months. Previously in our relationship he used to answer my calls even on lads nights out or when he was at the gym even to say "I'm a bit busy atm can I call you back later". So I don't understand why now when I'm most vulnerable he is so mean and when I ask him why he's doing this he has no response and seems not to care.

We've argued non stop due to this, as I've expressed to him that I would appreciate him communicating with me. It's frustrating and stressful to come home to find him not there and not have a clue where he is or if he's coming home that night etc. I don't mind him going out, but all I ask for is communication and for him to aim to get home at a reasonable time, not 7/8am. Some days he comes home just to shower and goes to work drunk. Which I think is really irresponsible as there's a lot of drink driving too involved.

We are not that financially well off either, so I worry about the money he spends on these nights out. One night he spent £200 in one night. He's even spent money from our savings on his binge nights. He also hasn't bonded with the pregnancy. Strangers are more excited about my bump than him, he can't even bring himself to touch my bump nor does he ask me how the baby is doing, if it's moving etc. He'll call me and ask me how my day is at work etc, but no acknowledgement of the growing baby. I have asked him before about his feelings about the pregnancy and I have told him how I'm worried about him not showing much interest in the baby. He denies that he has negative feelings about the baby and just says "he enjoys hanging out with his mates and drinking is how he socialises".

I feel I've reached a dead end. He apologises about going out, not coming home and being unreachable when I get upset but come weekend, he does it all over again. So we argue again. When he gets drunk there's no reasoning with him and he never wants the party to end . Hence he ends up at people's houses even strangers he just met after the club drinking until morning (he has always liked partying but then it was once a while so I just let him be). I just don't understand why all of a sudden now of all times he has decided this is the life he wants to live every week. I'm so stressed and I haven't been sleeping well for months now due to his behaviour. I've done the baby list alone. We don't have a lot of funds to buy all the essentials and yet he still spends our money on partying. I'm ready to walk away and I just feel sorry for my baby as his father has completely let us down.

I've heard people say men can take time to be happy about impending parenthood. But I don't know how to live with someone who is behaving like this. I'm even questioning his fidelity, as I am concerned of the number of nights he hasn't slept at home. He denies any infidelity and says he's just at his boys house drinking.

Sorry for the long message. I'm at a cross roads of whether I should give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be taking time to come to terms with the baby or walk away (7yr relationship, 3 year marriage) and become a single parent.

Thank you for your advice in advance

OP posts:
Funkykitty · 26/07/2022 17:14

OP please tell us you are leaving the relationship. Set your bar higher you deserve that. Not the crap DH behaviour you are dealing with.

DemelzaandRoss · 26/07/2022 17:15

So sorry that this is happening to you at what should be a happy time.
If you have family close, I would explain the situation to them & see if you could temporary move out into a safe place.
Alternatively, you need to ask him to move out as you no longer wish to live with him whilst he is behaving like this. Maybe one of his weekend buddies could let him stay at theirs.
Your health & the baby are the most important issues here. Either you go or he does. There is no middle way.
If at a later date he comes to his senses, then he would have to show that he is capable of becoming a responsible, caring father.
You should also seek legal advice regarding the finances. As other posters have said, move half of your money into a separate account immediately, before he spends any more. Good Luck.

Original poster
Natureisjoy · 29/07/2022 17:17

Thank you all for your messages and suggestions. I think I knew all along what I needed to do but I was scared.

We've separated. He's moved out and I have transfered the money to my personal account.

A few people asked about our living arrangements. We own our own home so we'll need to sort that out in the near future. But for now I just need space which is what I have. Thank you all. Xx

OP posts:
StripesSpots · 29/07/2022 17:24

grumpynamechange · 25/07/2022 06:14

Reading this, i thought "other woman" or "cocaine". I'd leave him now and see if he changes before considering taking him back. Better now than with a newborn.

100% what I thought, based on seeing it happen time and time again. Coke or other woman/women, or both.

I’d be out of this marriage like a shot. This nonsense will be 10 x more damaging and painful once the baby arrives. You’re better off getting out now and having a peaceful space to prepare for your baby’s arrival.

StripesSpots · 29/07/2022 17:25

Posted too soon. Well done, OP. And best of luck for your baby’s arrival.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/07/2022 17:33

Your doing the right thing, I’m sorry it happened to you. We’re much stronger than a lot of these men, it hurts but you will cope for both of you.

Men are a bit useless sometimes.

Funkykitty · 29/07/2022 17:56

I’m so sorry its come to this OP. Wishing you and your unborn baby well.

litlealligator · 29/07/2022 18:27

Well done OP. I'm so sorry you're in this position but you've made the right choice.

Brigante9 · 29/07/2022 19:28

I’d be reporting him to the police for drink/drug driving too.

YukoandHiro · 29/07/2022 19:33

Well done OP. You've done exactly the right thing getting your home life stable before the baby arrives.

Please don't reconsider in the first weeks after the baby arrives. You'll feel very vulnerable and it might be tempting to lean on him but stability is what you need, not someone you can't rely on

ReadtheReviews · 29/07/2022 19:43

Oh op. Print out what you've written here and go and stay with your family. He needs a wake up call. Talking isn't doing it. He's afraid of growing up and he either will have to suddenly force himself or he never will. But he has to face what he's doing and what it's doing to you and your relationship.

ReadtheReviews · 29/07/2022 19:45

For what it's worth I don't think it's infidelity or drugs. Just an immature panicking.

Amdone123 · 29/07/2022 19:48

Look after yourself for now til baby is here. Rest and get ready mentally. You can do it. You've shown your strength by separating, that can't have been easy but you did it.
Wishing you all the best, @Natureisjoy , because you deserve it.

Theworldisfullofgs · 29/07/2022 20:11

I think you've done the right thing. My friend was in a similar situation and her husband drove them to bankruptcy.
Good luck with the baby.

Circleofshells · 29/07/2022 20:51

Natureisjoy · 25/07/2022 00:14

Hello all,

I don't know what to do. We are both in our early 30s and I'm 7months pregnant (planned baby) and over the last 4 months my husband has been distant and mean. In the beginning he was supportive and caring for me when I was going through morning sickness etc. He was doing most of the house work, cooking etc so I could rest. All of a sudden when I hit my second trimester, he has become a party animal. (We used to go out on weekly dates, cocktails etc and he's always been more of a partying person than me, but we had a good balance) Now, he's going out every weekend, sometimes Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Some nights he comes homes at 6am, others 9am others not at all. He doesn't come home before 5.30am. Sometimes I know where he is, other times I have no clue and he rejects my calls when I call him when he's on these nights out. This has been going on for the last 4months. Previously in our relationship he used to answer my calls even on lads nights out or when he was at the gym even to say "I'm a bit busy atm can I call you back later". So I don't understand why now when I'm most vulnerable he is so mean and when I ask him why he's doing this he has no response and seems not to care.

We've argued non stop due to this, as I've expressed to him that I would appreciate him communicating with me. It's frustrating and stressful to come home to find him not there and not have a clue where he is or if he's coming home that night etc. I don't mind him going out, but all I ask for is communication and for him to aim to get home at a reasonable time, not 7/8am. Some days he comes home just to shower and goes to work drunk. Which I think is really irresponsible as there's a lot of drink driving too involved.

We are not that financially well off either, so I worry about the money he spends on these nights out. One night he spent £200 in one night. He's even spent money from our savings on his binge nights. He also hasn't bonded with the pregnancy. Strangers are more excited about my bump than him, he can't even bring himself to touch my bump nor does he ask me how the baby is doing, if it's moving etc. He'll call me and ask me how my day is at work etc, but no acknowledgement of the growing baby. I have asked him before about his feelings about the pregnancy and I have told him how I'm worried about him not showing much interest in the baby. He denies that he has negative feelings about the baby and just says "he enjoys hanging out with his mates and drinking is how he socialises".

I feel I've reached a dead end. He apologises about going out, not coming home and being unreachable when I get upset but come weekend, he does it all over again. So we argue again. When he gets drunk there's no reasoning with him and he never wants the party to end . Hence he ends up at people's houses even strangers he just met after the club drinking until morning (he has always liked partying but then it was once a while so I just let him be). I just don't understand why all of a sudden now of all times he has decided this is the life he wants to live every week. I'm so stressed and I haven't been sleeping well for months now due to his behaviour. I've done the baby list alone. We don't have a lot of funds to buy all the essentials and yet he still spends our money on partying. I'm ready to walk away and I just feel sorry for my baby as his father has completely let us down.

I've heard people say men can take time to be happy about impending parenthood. But I don't know how to live with someone who is behaving like this. I'm even questioning his fidelity, as I am concerned of the number of nights he hasn't slept at home. He denies any infidelity and says he's just at his boys house drinking.

Sorry for the long message. I'm at a cross roads of whether I should give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be taking time to come to terms with the baby or walk away (7yr relationship, 3 year marriage) and become a single parent.

Thank you for your advice in advance

@Natureisjoy how awful of him, you must feel very vulnerable with this relatively sudden change in behaviour. You’ve committed to your life together in such a complete way, you physically, emotionally and mentally and now he just decides that he’d rather go out and pretend he’s 20 all over again. You must feel a bit duped by him, given that the baby was planned.

There are a few things that could be going on I think:


  1. You are well and truly committed in his eyes so therefore he thinks he can afford to treat you badly, do what he feels like, and he can be certain that you won’t leave him. (He’s clearly wrong about that). Sadly, abusive behaviour does sometimes start at major thresholds in life even when none existed before- moving in, getting married, pregnancy, arrival of the baby, children leaving for college. I really hope it’s not this- but it could be.

  2. He’s panicking that his best days are behind him, he thought he wanted to start a family soon because that’s what you do, and thought it would come naturally but your morning sickness maybe gave him a bit of a preview of what it’s going to be like to completely put someone else first- and turns out he’s not as big a fan of this as he thought he would be. He doesn’t know why he’s doing it, but he can’t seem to stop himself from making the “fun” decision, his fear of missing out has gone overboard. He’s mean to you because he knows you’re right to be annoyed and he feels ashamed.

  3. When he was being supportive to you with the morning sickness, he made lots of effort to be sweet, patient and kind. However, it might have been a very emotionally unrewarding task for him because he couldn’t really make you feel better, there was probably endless cleaning etc to do if you were out of action and if you are like any other woman with morning sickness you were probably feeling relatively sorry for yourself (you were 100% right to be by the way). He may, in a sort of childish way, feel as though this kindness was setting a precedent, and that he doesn’t want to be “taken for granted” from now on, just being an extra pair of hands doing your bidding. He might be Paranoid that he’s being a pushover (he’s not) and trying to reassert his right to do what he feels like. He’s being mean because he thinks he’s being exploited.


Regardless of the reasons, his behaviour is deeply unfair, and you would be well within your rights to leave him and not look back. If it’s number 1, you have to be excruciatingly honest with yourself and get out as soon as you can- IF it’s number 1, it won’t get better even if he tries to make it up to you.
If it’s 2 or 3, there might still be hope (if you want there to be).

First, you need to take control of the situation by taking control of yourself NOT him. You ideally need to find a way to not be there occasionally when he gets in late (plan a trip to parents or friends and forget to tell him). You need to take care of yourself and do things that make you happy without consulting with him, just cheerfully go about your lovely day and let him wonder if you’re maybe very comfortable without him in your world. Be kind to him, be chatty, ask him how his night out was- but don’t hang around get on with doing literally anything else. No more complaining or saying it hurts you, just calm acceptance and enthusiasm about other things in your life. Don’t bend over backwards to do nice things for him, do them if you feel like it, or don’t if you don’t, but don’t make a point of it either way. Banish any hint of martyrdom. Start researching and planning the things you want assuming he won’t be around. Take care of yourself, be unapologetically and cheerfully selfish in every way, everyday, and resist resenting his silly decisions with all your strength. Spend lots of time with other people if you can possibly manage it. Essentially, make him chase you a bit, and wonder how to get your attention not the other way around.
It you do this, you will just feel better in yourself, you are about to become a mother and it’s a great thing don’t let him take that from you. It might also help reframe his thinking and making him realise that going out all the time and having hangovers is in fact a miserable existence, he’s extremely lucky to have you and if he wants to keep you he needs to up his game.

Circleofshells · 29/07/2022 20:52

Natureisjoy · 29/07/2022 17:17

Thank you all for your messages and suggestions. I think I knew all along what I needed to do but I was scared.

We've separated. He's moved out and I have transfered the money to my personal account.

A few people asked about our living arrangements. We own our own home so we'll need to sort that out in the near future. But for now I just need space which is what I have. Thank you all. Xx

@Natureisjoy sorry, disregard my last post I didn’t see your update for some reason. Good for you, sounds like you made the right decision. Brighter days ahead!

Jagley · 29/07/2022 21:28

Well done op, you are so very strong, take some time to just breath and process things. Take all the support that is offered, you will be fine.

stillvicarinatutu · 29/07/2022 21:41

Op
He's
Kicking back at the idea of domesticity. But ffs how old is he ? I'd make it a very stark choice -single man party lifestyle or man the fuck up , be a husband and father or fuck off !!!

You've put up with enough .

stillvicarinatutu · 29/07/2022 21:44

Op sorry just seen update. Well done . That needed to happen .

Thefruitbatdancer · 29/07/2022 21:59

Did you find out a reason for his behaviour before he left?

OldFan · 30/07/2022 00:16

Well done @Natureisjoy xxx💪

roarfeckingroarr · 30/07/2022 13:45

Well done OP

Spohn · 30/07/2022 14:07

Imagine this piece of shit driving your kid around, drunk.
Report his crime.

layladomino · 30/07/2022 14:32

Well done, you've done the right thing without any doubt.

Even if you weren't pregnant I would say this is clearly not a good relationship. But with a baby on the way, it makes his immature, selfish behaviour even worse, and your need to get out even greater. Much better to separate from him now, and build a lovely home for you and your child, than to have him and his drama sucking the joy out of life once you have your baby.

Single parenthood isn't easy, but it is MUCH easier than being in a relationship with a selfish man who hasn't grown up, thinks drinks driving is OK and is happy to drink family money and prefers being drunk with his 'friends' to being with his wife. He won't be any use as a father so having him around with just bring you grief and resentment, no benefits at all.

Make sure he pays his way - you are both equally parents to this child, even if he isn't capable of being a good father.

I would report the drink driving by the way. Can you imagine him driving with your baby in the car, still drunk?? He could hurt them or someone else.

He is showing you that he cares more for partying / drinking / whatever else he's doing until 6 in the morning regularly than for you or your feelings. You deserve better and so does your child. Leave your ex to re-live his teenage years and throw his own money away.

Itstimetoquit · 30/07/2022 21:39

Been through the same op,coke or another women x

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