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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about cancelling wedding

97 replies

Funflower · 24/07/2022 22:54

Been together 8 years, kids house all of those things, been engaged for 3 years and we have planned a very small wedding due to the cost of things, paid deposits on everything..

Recently out relationship hasn't been great. He sees it as my job to do all the housework, childcare etc as I "only work part time".. so on his days off he plays computer or lies in bed while I get up with the kids, cook clean and some days then go to work. While it's summer hols he's acting even worse. I've booked the youngest into a creche for the days we both have to work, just half days. He's not happy. Says it's my job to look after them and I should change my hours at work and tell them I can't come in.. I work in a cafe on minimum wage. I can't change my hours.

The wedding is costing us alot of our spare money. He says it's a waste of money. We have booked a registry office, then a restaurant for some nice food. My mum is telling me she doesn't want to go as it's too much effort finding an outfit. My dad says he doesn't want to leave the dogs on their own for so long, so I doubt they will change their mind and come. I thought I had a good relationship with them but they won't come to my wedding. My brother works away and won't be able to leave work to come home for a few days.. (they paid for half of my brother's fancy wedding, and they went).

My partner refuses to talk about anything wedding at all, won't even discuss the cake, kids outfits nothing. He says "you wanted it, you sort it". Then he said the way Ive acted in the past still annoys him and he's scared IL act like that when we're married.. I was shocked, upset I asked him what does he mean, he said having a go at him to help with the kids and the house etc. The way he said it was quite mean and I was nearly in tears making out that I'm so horrible to him and horrible to live with but all I did was just ask him to help with normal stuff around the house as he does nothing unless asked. The way he said it I knew he resents me over it but I really dont think I've done anything wrong.

Since that conversation and with the wedding getting closer he's been so short tempered with me and grouchy, I feel like I've been ignored deliberately like he will go sit in a different room to me and avoid me, shoving past me if I'm in his way, slamming my dinner plate down. I try making conversation he never responds. Never wants to go out with me, but will put his coat on and leave without saying anything. I've been going to bed in tears most nights. I'm starting to feel depressed. I'm not eating properly and I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even a rude Customer at work is enough to make my eyes start tearing up and I have to tell myself to get a grip.

I've got a dress fitting tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. Instead I'm sat here crying feeling unwanted. My mum's never come with me to any dress shops as she's not going to the wedding so I've had to go on my own like an idiot. I've got no one to share wedding plans and talk with. I'm regretting the whole thing now.

OP posts:
ZarquonsSandals · 24/07/2022 23:00

Call it off.
Has he ever done anything with the children? He sounds useless and unpleasant.

frazzledasarock · 24/07/2022 23:01

do you have any money to set up on your own with your dc?

who owns your current home?

will you be able to pay the bills without your boyfriend around?

SammyScrounge · 24/07/2022 23:06

I think, in your heart of hearts, you know that marriage with your partner, is a bad idea. Don't sign up with a man who makes you so unhappy and thinks you are a skivvy.
Maybe your tearfulness comes about because you are conflicted about the wedding. He's not going to change his ways, is he?

HollowTalk · 24/07/2022 23:08

Oh God, please call it off! The idea of spending a lifetime with him sounds more like a threat than a promise!

CoddledAsAMommet · 24/07/2022 23:09

Well, he plainly doesn't want to marry you, hes just too cowardly to admit it.

And you don't want to marry him because you've realised what being tied to a lazy shit like him for the rest of your life would be like.

If you call it off he'll rant and rave so he can blame you and not shoulder any responsibility himself. But then..... it'll be over! Imagine how freeing it will be to have got rid of him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2022 23:10

Don’t marry him. He’s already dragging you down and ruining your life. It really doesn’t have to be like this.

CornishTiger · 24/07/2022 23:10

Please don’t marry him. Cancelling it all will be alot easier than divorcing him

SeekingTact · 24/07/2022 23:13

My heart goes out to you. I have a shitty-vibe family too in that regard and can really empathise. My mum said the same thing as your dad re: dogs when I told her. You can’t choose family and you can’t change people and their shitty attitudes.

DP is the one you’re meant to choose and he doesn’t sound very nice to you at all. Getting married won’t make that easier for you.

You’ve more options than you think. You deserve to be excited trying on that dress. I’d forget the wedding and leave him.

Catlover1970 · 24/07/2022 23:20

Please call if off. You’re being completely taken advantage of and he’s a cruel, disrespectful prick.,make plans to leave

Fenella123 · 24/07/2022 23:26

Oh sweetheart.
Are your standards so low for relationships because your Mum and Dad didn't love and cherish you either?
Or are they avoiding the wedding because they can't bear to see you marrying someone who doesn't love you and who treats you badly?

I feel so sad for you. It's quite normal to want a happy family and a loving marriage and it must be heartbreaking to be realising that this isn't what you have right now. But the future can be much happier.

LittleOwl153 · 24/07/2022 23:36

What is your financial set up? You work part time.for minimum wage what about him?
What savings do you have - who's name are these in?
What's your housing situation? If you own the house whose names are on the deeds and the mortgage?

To me having got to this stage with kids in tow it is about what is best for all of you. Marriage as a contract has its advantages especially if he has the money/property and you the kids/debt. It might make sense to go ahead with the marriage - but I'd cut back on the expenses and see it as a contract to even life up rather than a dream wedding.

Medium term though I agree with others you will be emotionally/mentally and probably financially better off without him. Don't sell yourself and your kids short. Your husband is a lazy, selfish bastard who is taking you for all he can get.

Spookysparkles · 24/07/2022 23:40

when is the wedding? Are you sure you would loose all the deposits you have paid?
you shouldn’t be feeling like this, and your FH is treating you badly.
I would cancel and see what you can get back money wise-
dress, shoes and outfits - sell on eBay or market place
flowers or props- can be sold on Facebook wedding groups
restaurant- ask if they would allow you to cancel and have the deposit in vouchers to spend with them, or to transfer for another occasion or party ie. Joined Birthday party for your kids or Xmas do or something else entirely (just so you don’t completely lose out)
if you have reciepts return all that you can and ask for credit notes if outside the refund period
photographer- ask if you can transfer the deposit paid for a nice family photo shoot of you and your kids, and transfer any left over to vouchers and then you can give them as gifts.

I think in your heart of hearts this isn’t what you want any more, so I would cancel and try to recoup as much of the money as you can.
then ditch your partner.

Good luck OP X

GentlemanJay · 24/07/2022 23:48

Please call it off and reassess your relationship.

BuellerAnyone · 24/07/2022 23:49

Do not marry this man.

OldFan · 24/07/2022 23:50

You're already miserable- marriage would be vows to stay with someone who makes you miserable for life. That doesn't make sense. Please separate from him.

I wonder if your mum and dad don't like him much and that's why they don't want to come to the wedding.

GG1986 · 24/07/2022 23:58

Cancel the wedding and ask yourself "do you see yourself with this man for the next 20 years plus?" I agree with previous poster, maybe your parents dislike him and don't want to attend the wedding for that reason x

butterflyflutterby123 · 25/07/2022 00:00

Doesn't sound like a keeper from the description. How many kids do you have together?

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 25/07/2022 00:02

Call it off. It’s scary at the time but I did it eight weeks before a wedding I knew was wrong and whilst it was a big deal at the time it was something I’ve never regretted.

PickAChew · 25/07/2022 00:02

Cancelling would be a ball ache but the non-refundable moneys would be just as wasted if you went ahead then had all the hassle and expense of a divorce.

I can't see any good reason to marry him.

Derbee · 25/07/2022 00:06

You would be mad and very foolish to marry this wanker. He clearly doesn’t want to marry you, and he sounds like a completely lazy, unsupportive arsehole

OldFan · 25/07/2022 00:07

Cancelling would be a ball ache but the non-refundable moneys would be just as wasted if you went ahead then had all the hassle and expense of a divorce.

That's a good point, Picky. In fact it'd be paying for something bad- not just wasting money but spending it on something grim/being shackled to something and someone grim.

BonnesVacances · 25/07/2022 00:11

This man doesn't deserve to marry you tbh or have you stand in front of him and promise to love him in sickness and in health. He's punching way above his weight. Ditch him and allow yourself to find someone who treats you like he's lucky to have you in his life.

Youaremysunshine14 · 25/07/2022 00:12

Call it off and talk to your parents, because I wonder if their reluctance to attend the wedding stems from not liking your partner and seeing through him? I wouldn't blame them, he sounds like a prize prick.

Popsicle33 · 25/07/2022 00:16

Call it off! I'd question even staying with him. He sounds like a lazy, sexist waste of space. Your parents sound like arseholes as well tbh. Cancel it and start putting yourself first.

vaingina · 25/07/2022 00:16

He sounds horrible. The way he is behaving is not normal loving behaviour. His treatment of you is disgusting. You deserve so much more.Do not accept this. The money you lose on the wedding will be the best money you have ever spent.It will be worth every penny to be rid of him.