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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about cancelling wedding

97 replies

Funflower · 24/07/2022 22:54

Been together 8 years, kids house all of those things, been engaged for 3 years and we have planned a very small wedding due to the cost of things, paid deposits on everything..

Recently out relationship hasn't been great. He sees it as my job to do all the housework, childcare etc as I "only work part time".. so on his days off he plays computer or lies in bed while I get up with the kids, cook clean and some days then go to work. While it's summer hols he's acting even worse. I've booked the youngest into a creche for the days we both have to work, just half days. He's not happy. Says it's my job to look after them and I should change my hours at work and tell them I can't come in.. I work in a cafe on minimum wage. I can't change my hours.

The wedding is costing us alot of our spare money. He says it's a waste of money. We have booked a registry office, then a restaurant for some nice food. My mum is telling me she doesn't want to go as it's too much effort finding an outfit. My dad says he doesn't want to leave the dogs on their own for so long, so I doubt they will change their mind and come. I thought I had a good relationship with them but they won't come to my wedding. My brother works away and won't be able to leave work to come home for a few days.. (they paid for half of my brother's fancy wedding, and they went).

My partner refuses to talk about anything wedding at all, won't even discuss the cake, kids outfits nothing. He says "you wanted it, you sort it". Then he said the way Ive acted in the past still annoys him and he's scared IL act like that when we're married.. I was shocked, upset I asked him what does he mean, he said having a go at him to help with the kids and the house etc. The way he said it was quite mean and I was nearly in tears making out that I'm so horrible to him and horrible to live with but all I did was just ask him to help with normal stuff around the house as he does nothing unless asked. The way he said it I knew he resents me over it but I really dont think I've done anything wrong.

Since that conversation and with the wedding getting closer he's been so short tempered with me and grouchy, I feel like I've been ignored deliberately like he will go sit in a different room to me and avoid me, shoving past me if I'm in his way, slamming my dinner plate down. I try making conversation he never responds. Never wants to go out with me, but will put his coat on and leave without saying anything. I've been going to bed in tears most nights. I'm starting to feel depressed. I'm not eating properly and I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even a rude Customer at work is enough to make my eyes start tearing up and I have to tell myself to get a grip.

I've got a dress fitting tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. Instead I'm sat here crying feeling unwanted. My mum's never come with me to any dress shops as she's not going to the wedding so I've had to go on my own like an idiot. I've got no one to share wedding plans and talk with. I'm regretting the whole thing now.

OP posts:
DoverShortcutPlan · 25/07/2022 06:28

You'd be so much better of without him.

Bananarama21 · 25/07/2022 06:49

I suspect your parents don't approve of the choice of your partner. Tbh he is a waste of space don't tie yourself further being married to him.

falettinme · 25/07/2022 06:56

Please don't marry this man. He doesn't seem to like you let alone love you. This isn't good enough.

user1000000000001 · 25/07/2022 07:01

Don't just call the wedding off, call the whole relationship off. You deserve to be treated so much better and he isn't giving you any respect.

How can he treat someone that he supposedly loves like that?

Has this been a quick escalation of getting to the points you describe or has he always had a mean streak in him?

Sorry but he sounds horrible.

YoYoLife · 25/07/2022 07:42

OP I'm so sorry he is treating you this way. He clearly doesn't see himself as a father at all let alone a 50% parent and partner. He won't have a relationship with his children in 20 years and he'll wonder why. He seems to think he has nothing to do with his own children and has no responsibility. He appears to dislike you immensely and resents you. He does not want to marry you, but he doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' by calling it off so is probably being nasty to you to make you leave him. Do it anyway, anyone who treats you like shit instead of being loving to you and who doesn't even want a relationship with his own children is scum. He is not father material. He is not even partner material let alone husband material. Cancel the wedding, consider it a blessing you're dodging a bullet, who cares about the money, it's only money, it's your life, happiness, security and mental health that matters most. Money comes and goes, your life, happiness and mental health is harder to recover than lost money. Write the money off and leave him for not just for your sake, but for your DCs sake. They will be happier away from him as you will be.

Lindy2 · 25/07/2022 07:49

Getting married isn't going to make you happy.

A happy, strong relationship isn't like this. I just don't see anything positive that you're getting out of this relationship.

Call off the wedding. It might shock him into upping his game, but if it doesn't, start planning your exit strategy.

KangarooKenny · 25/07/2022 08:17

Don’t marry him.
Put all your energy into splitting up instead.

StrangeCondition · 25/07/2022 08:32

Agreee with the others, cancel the wedding and also keep your parents at arm's length, they sound equally awful

EnterFunnyNameHere · 25/07/2022 08:49

What would you advise your best mate to do in these circumstances? Be your own best friend OP - I'm sad you don't think you deserve better than this x

LooseGoose22 · 25/07/2022 08:55

Does he have any assets?

If so, go ahead with the wedding and then divorce later when it suits you (and when a solicitor advises is best in terms of settlement).

If he doesn't, dont bother marrying him.

As a single Mum working some hours you'll get UC, childcare 85% while working, child benefit, housing allowance, child maintenance off him, school meal and uniform help etc.

Speak to citizens advice, they'll go through it.

Idontknowwhattothink · 25/07/2022 08:58

OP my heart broke for you reading this. Your parents' dismissive have taught you to accept poor treatment.

There is a happy life waiting for you. You have children, you are blessed. Take them away from this undeserving loser. Cancel your wedding plans and don't bother updating anyone who wasn't interested in the first place (yes him and your parents).

Figure out how to go and do it, as quickly as you can.

VickerishAllsort · 25/07/2022 09:01

If your family thought marrying this man was the best thing for you they'd be coming to the wedding.
But it sounds as though they, and we, can see that he's a waste of space as a partner and marrying him should be the last thing on your mind.
Please don't do it, otherwise you'll be back on here within weeks complaining about how much worse he's got, when he's bad enough already.

Fairislefandango · 25/07/2022 09:06

For goodness' sake, please don't marry him! Tbh he sounds as if he doesn't even like you, never mind love you. And why the hell does he think the housework and kids should be just your responsibility?! Is he from the 1950s? How dare he suggest that expecting him to share the load as a father and partner is 'bad behaviour' on your part? What an utter arsehole!

As for the barging past you and slamming things down - that is a red flag. He is training you to accept the beginnings of aggressive, potentially violent behaviour. You need to get out now.

Blue4YOU · 25/07/2022 09:24

OP - if your manager spoke to you and treated you like that - what would you do? Complain at the least, employment Tribunal at best.
He is a nasty, horrible man. A bully and lazy and entitled.
My advice is cancel the wedding.
Money has a way of being easy come, easy go (I mean it’s not the primary consideration) - imagine if you had less cleaning, less food to pay for, less council tax, him not spending money on himself, you may get benefit too ups, you’d not have to run yourself ragged while under a cloud of his resentment and spite.
As for your parents: maybe unconsciously they too know he’s a cunt.
Forget deposits: see if you can get them back, if not, cut your losses and forget it.

You poor love! Do something nice for yourself, even if it’s just having a bath when the kids are asleep or reading a book - anything other than crying for this wanker.

pinkyredrose · 25/07/2022 09:33

He's a wanker. Also he's an awful role model for your kids. Get rid.

Mally100 · 25/07/2022 09:40

He's clearly told you it's you who wanted it not him. I don't know how you can even ask about what to do. He seems like he doesn't love or like you op. Don't marry him. This is what it's like before, it will be Even worse after. Most of all both of you are responsible for being good role models - marry this man and you both will be at fault for messing up the kids lives.

BeefCarvery · 25/07/2022 09:44

Honestly cancel. I wouldn't want to be legally tied to this man. You'll be better in the long term.

housepilot · 25/07/2022 10:11

It should be illegal to marry a pig.

Call it off OP. And rethink your relationship. He is not a team play, he is selfish, immature, unkind and sadly unlikely to change.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 25/07/2022 10:19

It should be illegal to marry a pig

Housepilot has it. Although I would have gone with another word.

Rewis · 25/07/2022 10:26

It's cheaper and easier to cancel now. Is rhia what you want rest of your life to be? Sounds like he doesn't care about you or your child. Cancel the wedding and start looking into options for you to get out of this relationship.

PussGirl · 25/07/2022 10:37

You ought to be excited at this stage not tearful & dreading it.

Call it off & seriously consider dumping the twat.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 25/07/2022 10:44

It is so, so much easier and less painful to call off a wedding than it is to divorce.

SunscreenGetsInYerEyes · 25/07/2022 10:46

Another grown man who plays computer games instead of pulling his weight like an adult.m <sighs>

Definitely don’t marry him.

takeitandleaveit · 25/07/2022 10:47

Call it off. He's a sexist arse.

Mammami · 25/07/2022 10:49

I am so sorry that your partner and parents and acting so disgracefully. I wonder if any of your parents behaviour motivated though by the fact they don't like your partner or think he's worth marrying, could that be a contributing factor? Do not go ahead with this