Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about cancelling wedding

97 replies

Funflower · 24/07/2022 22:54

Been together 8 years, kids house all of those things, been engaged for 3 years and we have planned a very small wedding due to the cost of things, paid deposits on everything..

Recently out relationship hasn't been great. He sees it as my job to do all the housework, childcare etc as I "only work part time".. so on his days off he plays computer or lies in bed while I get up with the kids, cook clean and some days then go to work. While it's summer hols he's acting even worse. I've booked the youngest into a creche for the days we both have to work, just half days. He's not happy. Says it's my job to look after them and I should change my hours at work and tell them I can't come in.. I work in a cafe on minimum wage. I can't change my hours.

The wedding is costing us alot of our spare money. He says it's a waste of money. We have booked a registry office, then a restaurant for some nice food. My mum is telling me she doesn't want to go as it's too much effort finding an outfit. My dad says he doesn't want to leave the dogs on their own for so long, so I doubt they will change their mind and come. I thought I had a good relationship with them but they won't come to my wedding. My brother works away and won't be able to leave work to come home for a few days.. (they paid for half of my brother's fancy wedding, and they went).

My partner refuses to talk about anything wedding at all, won't even discuss the cake, kids outfits nothing. He says "you wanted it, you sort it". Then he said the way Ive acted in the past still annoys him and he's scared IL act like that when we're married.. I was shocked, upset I asked him what does he mean, he said having a go at him to help with the kids and the house etc. The way he said it was quite mean and I was nearly in tears making out that I'm so horrible to him and horrible to live with but all I did was just ask him to help with normal stuff around the house as he does nothing unless asked. The way he said it I knew he resents me over it but I really dont think I've done anything wrong.

Since that conversation and with the wedding getting closer he's been so short tempered with me and grouchy, I feel like I've been ignored deliberately like he will go sit in a different room to me and avoid me, shoving past me if I'm in his way, slamming my dinner plate down. I try making conversation he never responds. Never wants to go out with me, but will put his coat on and leave without saying anything. I've been going to bed in tears most nights. I'm starting to feel depressed. I'm not eating properly and I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even a rude Customer at work is enough to make my eyes start tearing up and I have to tell myself to get a grip.

I've got a dress fitting tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. Instead I'm sat here crying feeling unwanted. My mum's never come with me to any dress shops as she's not going to the wedding so I've had to go on my own like an idiot. I've got no one to share wedding plans and talk with. I'm regretting the whole thing now.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 25/07/2022 11:00

Call it off. You won't be the first.

Why stay with such a lazy, negative, insulting man - let alone marry him?

You could move on to a better life.

Marblessolveeverything · 25/07/2022 11:01

When people show who they really are pay attention! - Please dont marry him, the upset of cancelling will pale in the cost and tears of a divorce!.

You deserve better, your children are witnessing how disrespectful he is to you. Are your family subconsciously trying to scupper the wedding without saying anything for fear of isolating you?

Spend the money you would have on the wedding on setting you and the kids up.

FartSock5000 · 25/07/2022 11:10

He doesn't want to marry you. There are red flags waving and you are pushing on ahead ignoring them to get the wedding day you want but you'll reap the regrets afterwards.

Your partner does not respect you and is telling you with his attitude and actions he does not want to be your husband.

Listen to him and call it off. I'd also rethink the relationship. What does he provide other than some financial help? Do you feel loved and cared for? Do you feel valued or respected? Why are you accepting anything less than this?

Remember, your children will learn from you what a happy, healthy relationship looks like and can you honestly say you are setting a good example?

BryceQuinlan · 25/07/2022 11:13

It would be a huge mistake to get married. I would be finding some distance with my parents too who sound unpleasant. Move on and have a better life, for both you and your children.

Lemmeparticipate · 25/07/2022 11:16

Please find people who actually value your presence in your life.

These people are all treating you like crap and there's no reason why you should put up with it.

qpmz · 25/07/2022 11:22

Try and imagine a bright future without him. You'll be free to enjoy life with the children and will no longer endure the pure misery he brings to your life.

When the time's right you'll meet someone new and realise you can do waaaaaay better.

EternalPoinsettia · 25/07/2022 11:22

Cancel cancel cancel. Don't get legally tied. It makes me so sad to read so many unhappy women/mums, accepting so much crap! Life doesn't have to be like this I promise you. Yes it will be hard being a single parent, but it has to be better than this

Cheeptweet · 25/07/2022 11:26

Absolutely call it off. He's a abusive prick.

LTB

LAMPS1 · 25/07/2022 11:47

You poor girl. So hard to accept the awful truth of your miserable situation. But listen to your heart. Isn’t it shouting out to you that your relationship with him has run its course and won’t ever change ?
You and the children could soon be settled and happy without him draining your energy and blocking your chance at happiness.
It will take all your courage to call it off and to take the blame which is bound to come your way when he realises you are no longer his doormat. But you can do it.
You won’t have to go to the trouble of kicking him out as his ego will be so damaged when you tell him you don’t want to marry him that he will likely leave anyway. You will feel so much better for acting quickly to save yourself from a lifetime of more of what you have now. You will be able to breathe again.

Save your wedding day for somebody who actually wants to be with you, values you, respects you and treats you and your children kindly.

AnybodyAnywhere · 25/07/2022 11:54

Please don’t do it. I speak from very bitter experience, marriage will definitely change him - it’ll make him a hundred times worse than he is now.

Thefriendlymoth · 25/07/2022 11:54

Cold feet are normal but what you describe is certainly not just a case of the pre wedding jitters, they are all valid concerns and BIG red flags. Even if he wasn’t bothered about a wedding (some people aren’t and that’s ok), he knows it is important to you and could be civil/kind about it.

He sounds like a boorish, inconsiderate bully and it also sounds like it’s become normalised behaviour for you rather than a recent change caused by something else, it won’t get better with time, if anything it will get worse.

Mischance · 25/07/2022 12:01

Please do not marry him.

AllyCatTown · 25/07/2022 12:06

If the house and savings are in his name I’d seek legal advice. It might sound really cynical but marriage does have advantages if you split up especially in your scenario of being the part time worker.

Geppili · 25/07/2022 12:06

Please call the wedding off! He doesn't want to marry you. He wants you to be his skivvy for life!

Coffeeenema · 25/07/2022 12:33

Poor you 💐

A wedding is meant to be so special and sacred.

Your fiance's and parents "can't be arsed" attitude is downright bloody insulting!!

Cancel it and treat yourself to something lovely.

Reevaluate your relationship for sure....

I'm so sorry OP x

Shgytfgtf111 · 25/07/2022 12:58

I've been going to bed in tears most nights.

I think you have your answer right there.

Livpool · 25/07/2022 13:06

Cancelling a wedding is easier than getting a divorce.

He sounds awful

allboysherebutme · 25/07/2022 21:43

Call it off, if you are thinking of calling it off you should not be doing it.
In fact I wouldn't stay with him either. You do everything alone you might as well be alone. X

Hopelessromatic · 26/07/2022 12:33

Please call off the wedding. He is showing you no respect and this will only get worse when he has a ring on your finger . You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you ... I really don't think this relationship will work for you and don't worry about losing money over having deposits paid ,you'll get over that but you'll find it a lot harder to get over a broken marriage . Please cancel !!

Annoyedwithmyself · 26/07/2022 13:15

I've never wanted to say to a poster more (aside from abuse etc) that you deserve more than this. From everyone who's supposed to be close to you. I'd only consider this from the POV of whether you'd be much better off marrying and divorcing rather than not marrying as your partner sounds like a pig. I don't know if this is the case but could be worth consideration.

shockthemonkey · 26/07/2022 17:24

Call it off!

KaloolaDeBue · 26/07/2022 18:23

I was nearly in tears making out that I'm so horrible to him and horrible to live with so why is he still with you? Why is he not a) trying to make things better or b) leaving? Because you are his emotional punchbag, the one he can put down to feel better about himself because let's face it, he is a dick isn't he?

Call off the wedding. Relationships are not meant to be like this. No plate slamming or ignoring or pushing you out of the way or sitting in another room to avoid you. You honestly deserve so much better than this. Your children deserve better than this. My friend grew up in a household where her Dad threw the dinner across the room if it wasn't cooked the way he wanted it. It made her hate them both, her Dad for being abusive and her Mum for being too weak to leave and protect them from him.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page