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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about cancelling wedding

97 replies

Funflower · 24/07/2022 22:54

Been together 8 years, kids house all of those things, been engaged for 3 years and we have planned a very small wedding due to the cost of things, paid deposits on everything..

Recently out relationship hasn't been great. He sees it as my job to do all the housework, childcare etc as I "only work part time".. so on his days off he plays computer or lies in bed while I get up with the kids, cook clean and some days then go to work. While it's summer hols he's acting even worse. I've booked the youngest into a creche for the days we both have to work, just half days. He's not happy. Says it's my job to look after them and I should change my hours at work and tell them I can't come in.. I work in a cafe on minimum wage. I can't change my hours.

The wedding is costing us alot of our spare money. He says it's a waste of money. We have booked a registry office, then a restaurant for some nice food. My mum is telling me she doesn't want to go as it's too much effort finding an outfit. My dad says he doesn't want to leave the dogs on their own for so long, so I doubt they will change their mind and come. I thought I had a good relationship with them but they won't come to my wedding. My brother works away and won't be able to leave work to come home for a few days.. (they paid for half of my brother's fancy wedding, and they went).

My partner refuses to talk about anything wedding at all, won't even discuss the cake, kids outfits nothing. He says "you wanted it, you sort it". Then he said the way Ive acted in the past still annoys him and he's scared IL act like that when we're married.. I was shocked, upset I asked him what does he mean, he said having a go at him to help with the kids and the house etc. The way he said it was quite mean and I was nearly in tears making out that I'm so horrible to him and horrible to live with but all I did was just ask him to help with normal stuff around the house as he does nothing unless asked. The way he said it I knew he resents me over it but I really dont think I've done anything wrong.

Since that conversation and with the wedding getting closer he's been so short tempered with me and grouchy, I feel like I've been ignored deliberately like he will go sit in a different room to me and avoid me, shoving past me if I'm in his way, slamming my dinner plate down. I try making conversation he never responds. Never wants to go out with me, but will put his coat on and leave without saying anything. I've been going to bed in tears most nights. I'm starting to feel depressed. I'm not eating properly and I'm on the verge of tears all the time, even a rude Customer at work is enough to make my eyes start tearing up and I have to tell myself to get a grip.

I've got a dress fitting tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. Instead I'm sat here crying feeling unwanted. My mum's never come with me to any dress shops as she's not going to the wedding so I've had to go on my own like an idiot. I've got no one to share wedding plans and talk with. I'm regretting the whole thing now.

OP posts:
PlantSpider · 25/07/2022 00:23

While I would call it off, I would caution doing do depending on your living situation, financially, are you on that deeds of your house? I would suggest (confidential) legal advice if not.

Christinatheastonishing · 25/07/2022 00:24

he will go sit in a different room to me and avoid me, shoving past me if I'm in his way, slamming my dinner plate down. I try making conversation he never responds. Never wants to go out with me, but will put his coat on and leave without saying anything. I've been going to bed in tears most nights.

I'm sorry, but this relationship is over. You can rip the bandaid off and call time on it now, or torture yourself and your kids for a few more years, but it's doomed either way.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 25/07/2022 00:27

My instinct is to say end it and don't even think about marrying him. However if your house is in his name and he has a decent pension, you might sadly, be better off financially divorcing him rather than leaving him. It sounds grasping but you have facilitated his life for a long time. It would be worth getting legal advice.

onlythreenow · 25/07/2022 00:30

Another vote for calling it off. He is not suddenly going to change, his current behaviour is what you will be signing up for.

Hawkins001 · 25/07/2022 00:31

Reading your op, yes basically unfortunately, either proceed and count down the days till divorce, or abort the wedding before that point.

Either way, all the best and positivity op. You deserve someone much better.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2022 00:34

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

All you'll be doing is setting yourself up to pay solicitor's fees to get divorced. Don't be foolish.

Boredhavemercy · 25/07/2022 00:36

He doesn’t want to get married and seems he’s being horrid to you so you’ll cancel. You will likely divorce given how he’s treating you and that’s money you don’t have so cancel. Your DPs are despicable.

GreenOcean · 25/07/2022 00:38

Don't marry him.
I promise you, there's a better life than this where you and your kids are happy because you realised your worth. I'm sorry your parents aren't supporting you. Same applies there. Once you make your goal in life to please yourself and to look after your kids, you will be free from these bad relationships grinding you down like this.

Bunty55 · 25/07/2022 00:45

If you were just dating this guy and he displayed the traits he has shown you would you marry him ?

Silvercurtains · 25/07/2022 00:46

You’d regret marrying him for the rest of your life. I know it’s a scary thought but please call it off and end the relationship. A relationship should be a partnership of two people who love, support and respect each other. He doesn’t love, support or respect you. You’re damaging your children by tolerating the daily contempt he shows for you. Find your anger and make plans to end it soon. It’ll be tough for the first year then you’ll be so happy and relieved.

caringcarer · 25/07/2022 00:49

Why would you want to marry a person who is making you be miserable? You know he is not the one for you. He won't cherish you and make you feel special. Bin him off and free yourself up from misery. My dh brings me tea in bed every morning. Gets breakfast for DC and probably does more around house than me. He is taking child to dentist tomorrow. I do most cooking but he always loads up dishwasher and wipes surfaces down. He will vacuum stairs that I hate doing too. Find someone who will share childcare and house chores with you.

bluekostree · 25/07/2022 00:57

Couldn't get to end. But why would you want to marry in these circumstances! Madness

SuperCamp · 25/07/2022 01:01

I would be leaving him, not marrying him.

It won’t be a happy wedding day, and it won’t be a happy marriage.

If you do call it off, will you leave him?

But like PP I do wonder about your situation re housing, pension , savings. If you wouldn’t leave him yet, grit yourself and marry if a subsequent divorce would leave you more secure.

expat101 · 25/07/2022 01:09

I'm another who votes for calling the whole thing off before he does. It's clearly not what anyone wants, and nothing is going to get any better once you are married.

But don't stay as you are either. time to take a break from each other or get some counselling. Clearly there is something amiss with the relationship.

Kerrrmieee · 25/07/2022 01:27

Freedom and peace of mind for you and your children beckons.

Cancel and don't look back.

I bet your Mum and Dad become more a part of your life too.

It can be done. Be strong for a while and feel the freedom.

Monty27 · 25/07/2022 01:36

He doesn't deserve you or your family and you or your family deserve him. Kick him out.

Dubsub · 25/07/2022 02:56

Marry this man if the house is in his name and /or he has a much better pension than you. This is the only way you will be able to get your fair share of the family assets. Then get advice on a divorce.

mrssunshinexxx · 25/07/2022 03:07

Don't marry him.
Just imagine if your son or daughter came to you before they were due to get married describing their fiancé as you do.. what would you tell them?

clpsmum · 25/07/2022 03:29

Get out now while you can. Marriage will make things worse. You deserve better

autienotnaughty · 25/07/2022 04:51

He's making you unhappy, don't get married and think about wether you want to be with him.

Snowraingain · 25/07/2022 05:13

Why did you want to get married op?
I personally wouldn’t marry this man. I would also try very hard (I know it’s easier said than done) to value myself more and demand those around you value me.
Marrying him seems a bit mad given how awful he is and specifically how little he seems to care about you.
You need to recognise your worth. You sound pretty amazing. You work, look after the children, the house with absolutely no physical or emotional help from anyone. Don’t be sad - be fricking fuming.
How dare this useless loser belittle you!!!!! He’s hardly Elon musk. He goes to work and then just plays stupid computer games like some teenage kid. Going to work full time and doing nothing else is bloody easy!

You need to call off the wedding - because your worth more than this.
You need to stand up to his BS. Go out and leave him with the kids whenever you can. Don’t ask just do it.
Plan nice things to do with the kids away from him. Start building your confidence and making a life away from him.
When you feel low you need to get away from those who make you feel crap. So back off a bit. Same with your mum and dad who seem to be really unsupportive.
You’re a superhero and he’s a lazy turd. Stop worrying about what he says because why would anyone care about what someone as crap as he is thinks.

Shoxfordian · 25/07/2022 05:34

Don’t marry him
See what steps you can take to leave him because he’s unkind to you and it’s not going to improve

Funkykitty · 25/07/2022 06:17

Hes abusive don’t marry him. Things will never chance. Tell him to leave, you’ll be much happier without him.

TibetanTerrah · 25/07/2022 06:26

To be blunt, and I do mean this so kindly... why would you trap yourself in this situation with marriage? You sound so utterly beaten down and miserable now, those tears won't be able to be held back once you realise how more difficult it will be disentangle yourself from him down the line.

Don't think about the money. It will cost you so much more than money later if you allow yourself to go through with this. It sounds like your mental health is already on the floor.

This horrible man has such contempt for you that he didn't even bother keeping the "nice" mask on until you were married. He thinks he can treat you like this now and you'll still marry him! Prove him wrong Flowers

fedup078 · 25/07/2022 06:28

No don't marry him
Do you think your parents are being so cold because they don't like him and don't want you to marry him ?