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Original poster

DH and DD at war. Don’t know what to do.

116 replies

Maximoose · 22/07/2022 16:43

DH and DD have always had a really lovely relationship (he’s not her real dad but been in her life since she was 2). She calls him daddy, and up until 2 years ago she preferred him to me and they did everything together.

2 years ago we had to move counties, not too far, still close enough that we can do day trips to see friends and family but far enough that we had to move schools and get used to a new area.

She has blamed him entirely for this and has hated him ever since. She makes things up a lot, trying to get him into trouble with me. She has succeeded a few times, and we’ve had blazing rows but 90% of the time I’m in ear shot of their conversation so I know that she outright lied to my face about him being mean to her. She seems to deeply unhappy, and I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues now and don’t know what to do. We’ve tried private therapy, camhs, the school have counselling for her, we’ve tried more time with just me, more time with just daddy, more time with all of us together. We’ve tried completely backing off and letting her do her thing and we’ve tried being firmer and establishing boundaries.

She is so so sensitive and really really reacts strongly to the slightest thing. This mornings argument was my husband had asked her nicely to stand back and give him some room as he was injecting his insulin. I heard all this through the baby monitor. She then storms into the kitchen in hysterical tears saying that daddy told her she’s not allowed to play with her baby sister anymore and to go away.

It’s gotten to a point now where my husband doesn’t want to be alone with her as he’s sacred of what he’s going to be accused of next. However, he does all the morning school run as I work early. Some mornings she’s fine and he’s the best guy in the world, but a lot of mornings she screams and cries and won’t let me leave.

It’s her birthday next month as we have planned a lovely family trip away but I’m honestly dreading it. She’s having some sensory issues currently the school are monitoring and I have questioned her maybe having ocd or autism but camhs have no concerns.

i just don’t know what to do. I want to enjoy my child again but we are all just walking on egg shells around her.

OP posts:
YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 07:50

Maximoose · 23/07/2022 07:46

No.

she needs assessing for additional needs, and she needs to work on her relationship with her dad. Us being skint and stressed again with no job prospects is going to make everything 1000xs worse.

Show quote history

She can't be assessed back at her old home? I am sure your old country had health services.

If you are working, you have job experience and get a job. It may take time, but you can do it. You seem to be looking for excuses. Her relationship with her father won't improve when she is this desperately unhappy and sick. You're not listening, you need to put her first and your wants last. Her relationship with her father will only get worse and worse then longer you put it off. The only way her relationship will improve, is if you go back. It will not improve until you do, it and she will get worse. You seem determined to come up with reasons that you can't put your daughter's mental health and happiness first. As a mother you should be willing to sacrifice anything and everything.

Original poster
Maximoose · 23/07/2022 07:51

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 07:50

She can't be assessed back at her old home? I am sure your old country had health services.

If you are working, you have job experience and get a job. It may take time, but you can do it. You seem to be looking for excuses. Her relationship with her father won't improve when she is this desperately unhappy and sick. You're not listening, you need to put her first and your wants last. Her relationship with her father will only get worse and worse then longer you put it off. The only way her relationship will improve, is if you go back. It will not improve until you do, it and she will get worse. You seem determined to come up with reasons that you can't put your daughter's mental health and happiness first. As a mother you should be willing to sacrifice anything and everything.

Show quote history

Wtf are you talking about? I’m not responding to you anymore you have no idea.

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 23/07/2022 07:53

she needs assessing for additional needs, and she needs to work on her relationship with her dad.

This stood out to me

No, Dad needs to work on his relationship with her & with your support & advice on ND communication. She is still a child & if my suspicions are right, a ND one who is now really struggling to find her place in the world & is drowning & lashing out. It may have little to do with the move itself

Original poster
Maximoose · 23/07/2022 07:54

RockinHorseShit · 23/07/2022 07:53

she needs assessing for additional needs, and she needs to work on her relationship with her dad.

This stood out to me

No, Dad needs to work on his relationship with her & with your support & advice on ND communication. She is still a child & if my suspicions are right, a ND one who is now really struggling to find her place in the world & is drowning & lashing out. It may have little to do with the move itself

You knew what I meant there’s no need to be like that.

OP posts:
YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 07:55

Well you clearly have made up your mind that you won't act for your daughter's sake and don't want to listen to reason or even consider anything other than what you want hence the excuses. I feel for your daughter. Just remember this conversation down the track. Goodluck with everything.

Fireflygal · 23/07/2022 07:55

@Maximoose, She has had lots of change in 2 years and this is making her anxious. I think you need to listen to her and hear behind the words. She seems hyper sensitive to being "removed" from the family so your dh asking her to leave the room and you asking her to leave the room are triggers for abandonment.

She maybe genuinely be picking up on your husband having a new son,his first biological child, and now feels "different".
Did your dh adopt her? Does she share the family name?

On a positive she is talking to you - trying to get her needs met as it's likely she feels very insecure.

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 07:56

RockinHorseShit · 23/07/2022 07:53

she needs assessing for additional needs, and she needs to work on her relationship with her dad.

This stood out to me

No, Dad needs to work on his relationship with her & with your support & advice on ND communication. She is still a child & if my suspicions are right, a ND one who is now really struggling to find her place in the world & is drowning & lashing out. It may have little to do with the move itself

The OP said this all started because of the move.

RockinHorseShit · 23/07/2022 07:57

You knew what I meant there’s no need to be like that.

Fuck me, if that's how you interact with your DD I'm not surprised you had issues 🥴

I knew what you SAID & pointed out that the work lies with your DH & you, not your DD who sounds to me to be struggling. That wasn't a criticism but advice based on experience of this same scenario & what has worked for us.

RockinHorseShit · 23/07/2022 07:59

The OP said this all started because of the move

Yes, but if it's ND at play, it's a red herring. It will play a part of the upset, but it's the age she is & the ND tests the root issue

Original poster
Maximoose · 23/07/2022 08:00

Fireflygal · 23/07/2022 07:55

@Maximoose, She has had lots of change in 2 years and this is making her anxious. I think you need to listen to her and hear behind the words. She seems hyper sensitive to being "removed" from the family so your dh asking her to leave the room and you asking her to leave the room are triggers for abandonment.

She maybe genuinely be picking up on your husband having a new son,his first biological child, and now feels "different".
Did your dh adopt her? Does she share the family name?

On a positive she is talking to you - trying to get her needs met as it's likely she feels very insecure.

He didn’t ask her to leave the room, he asked her to give him some space so he didn’t bloody stab her with an insulin needle. No she doesn’t share the family name completely as I’m not allowed to change her surname again. I had it changed to my surname originally so when I married we all double barrelled so that she still shared part of our name.

She has built a rota with us to try in the summer holiday where she gets to spend time with all of us together and also both of us individually, with and without the baby. So fingers crossed this is what she needs and it will help massively. School are also going to push for more assessments. They were behind me last time so I think having their support this time might make people listen.

OP posts:
Blackheath95 · 23/07/2022 08:00

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 07:55

Well you clearly have made up your mind that you won't act for your daughter's sake and don't want to listen to reason or even consider anything other than what you want hence the excuses. I feel for your daughter. Just remember this conversation down the track. Goodluck with everything.

And your answer is to be homeless and on the dole? And that will fix everything? Explain how living on someone’s couch is going to be this family’s saving grace.

Original poster
Maximoose · 23/07/2022 08:03

We stopped going back to our old town quite so much originally as she needed to time to settle here and make friends. Which she has loads! She’s constantly out playing. Now she’s settled we go back quite often, nip down after school etc and on weeeknds so she can see her old friends too.

OP posts:
TitoMojito · 23/07/2022 08:03

This might sound silly but is she aware that she's lying? What I mean is is she intentionally lying to you or is it that she’s catastrophizing? As in: Daddy says I need to stand back which means he doesn't want me near him which means he doesn't love me which means he wants me to go away.

Sugarpiehoney · 23/07/2022 08:04

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 07:55

Well you clearly have made up your mind that you won't act for your daughter's sake and don't want to listen to reason or even consider anything other than what you want hence the excuses. I feel for your daughter. Just remember this conversation down the track. Goodluck with everything.

And you’ve made it clear you’ve not read the OPs posts properly as you keep saying ‘your old country’ or ‘moved to a different country’

it was a new COUNTY. You think that you’re giving a-class advice (move back to their old home) but you’re totally ignoring the OPs responses and in return giving some really crap advice without any consideration for the OP and her partners reasons for moving in the first place. You don’t know this family or their situation so why are you giving such black and white instructions on what they need to do? You need to step off your high horse & actually LISTEN to the OP before you start spouting off ‘helpful’ tips…

MerryMarigold · 23/07/2022 08:10

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 07:40

You don't need to move to another country just to get a job and feed yourself. Child being happy trumps that. Ask any social services.

It's county not country.

I think it's the baby more than the move, although both at the same time didn't help.

OP, your DD's overreaction to dh asking get to move away shows exactly how she's feeling and isn't in fact lying at all. (I think) she thought that's what he was saying because that's how she's feeling, that's how she interpreted his polite request. How awful for her to be feeling like that, poor little girl.

I think asking her questions to be explore her feelings eg. In the scenario you shared about the insulin, you could ask, "Do you feel Daddy loves the baby more than you?" Or "When Daddy asked you to move away, did you feel like he doesn't like you?" And then reassure her if she says "yes" and ask him to reassure her too. Don't go in guns ablazing that she's lying because she may actually interpret what's being said and think he has said that. I'd look at what she says as what she's experiencing (even if it's not 'true') and go from there.

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 23/07/2022 08:11

My Aspergic 8yo cannot spend time alone - so your scenario about wanting time to settle baby quickly is very familiar. If I’m doing bedtime alone then I get out 6yo to sleep first; he usually goes quickly but if the 8yo comes in and out it gets very stressful. He also has really big feelings of rejection about the slightest thing

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 08:11

Blackheath95 · 23/07/2022 08:00

And your answer is to be homeless and on the dole? And that will fix everything? Explain how living on someone’s couch is going to be this family’s saving grace.

Show quote history

It's about the needs of the daughter. Yes, I would live like that for her, I would. I'd live in a tent for my daughter, anything for her needs. She has a home she can sell that would tide them over/buy a cheaper house in the old area. According to the OP they both have jobs so won't be unemployed for long.

The OP's posts are quite dire, and it all started from the move. She also says She has blamed him entirely for this and has hated him ever since.

and

She seems to deeply unhappy, and I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues now and don’t know what to do.
and
We’ve tried private therapy, camhs, the school have counselling for her, we’ve tried more time with just me, more time with just daddy, more time with all of us together.

I can see their family being torn apart because that girl is desperately unhappy there and she will never change until they move back. Nothing else has worked. But OP isn't interested in practical solutions for her daughter, because the one thing that will make her daughter happy again is the one thing she's simply not willing to do, so there's little point discussing this. This family will be torn apart very soon and it's sad.

RockinHorseShit · 23/07/2022 08:12

@TitoMojito

That's exactly what I've been trying to say & was definitely the case with out DD when we went through this ... if Dad is ND, language is key

My guess is she's heard "give me space" as get out of my face, go away, don't bother me, I don't want you near me... negative & upsetting... rather than move back & please give me room to safely use my needle.

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 08:14

Sugarpiehoney · 23/07/2022 08:04

And you’ve made it clear you’ve not read the OPs posts properly as you keep saying ‘your old country’ or ‘moved to a different country’

it was a new COUNTY. You think that you’re giving a-class advice (move back to their old home) but you’re totally ignoring the OPs responses and in return giving some really crap advice without any consideration for the OP and her partners reasons for moving in the first place. You don’t know this family or their situation so why are you giving such black and white instructions on what they need to do? You need to step off your high horse & actually LISTEN to the OP before you start spouting off ‘helpful’ tips…

Show quote history

Yes, I got that wrong however it doesn't change the basics of what I've said. I've listened to everything the OP said, and they're all excuses for why she won't do the only one thing that will fix this. The OP simply isn't willing to listen to anyone, I am not the only poster on the thread she's lashed out at.

MerryMarigold · 23/07/2022 08:18

@YoYoLife

Do you have a child because I'd live in a tent for my daughter, anything for her needs implies you have no idea if how damaging that could be for a child!

because the one thing that will make her daughter happy again is the one thing she's simply not willing to do. How do you know it's not the baby? Or a developmental issue to do with being neuro diverse? They could move back and all the issues follow them (to be honest, I think that's very likely).

OP, just in case you were confused, the cure to all Dd's issues is not moving back to your old county and living in a tent!!!

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2022 08:20

TitoMojito · 23/07/2022 08:03

This might sound silly but is she aware that she's lying? What I mean is is she intentionally lying to you or is it that she’s catastrophizing? As in: Daddy says I need to stand back which means he doesn't want me near him which means he doesn't love me which means he wants me to go away.

I too think this is the nub of it. She’s not “telling a lie” exactly. She’s expressing her underlying emotions unhelpfully. What she accuses her dad of might feel very real ti her if it’s usually similar to the one example we have been given here.

In her world: She was really close to Dad since she was 2, when he joined the family (closer than to Mum, apparently, so perhaps already expressing a bit of insecure attachment there to her new father figure, giving him most attention as she’s not secure in his love in case he leaves again).

For 4 years things were the 3 of them, her friends at school etc. Then at 6 years old big changes - no school to see friends (pandemic), a big move to a new house, everyone presumably stressed about money. More Covid disruption at new school? Hard to make friends? Dad starts working a lot, he’s ‘hardly there’ he’s working so hard (abandonment).

Then Mum is pregnant - sick and tired? less energy - and then the baby comes and Mum is even busier and when Dad’s home it’s his turn to be busy with the baby not her…

Add some hormones, perhaps possible ND not yet identified. I can see why this little girl is struggling to process her feelings in an acceptable way.

It’s a challenge to be empathetic when our instincts are to feel accused or frustrated or if our family background is ‘kids do as they’re told’. But it possible- therapeutic parenting is what this little girl needs.

OP, you’re not a bad mum. Hang in there.

WhackingPhoenix · 23/07/2022 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2022 08:30

she won't do the only one thing that will fix this

Forget my last post about therapeutic parenting, now I’m persuaded - quit your job, move! That’s the only answer.

Not.

Honestly YoYo - you’ve read what the OP’s said but life’s not black and white and there’s never “only one answer” unless it’s a maths problem. And berating people about how they’re badly failing (in your eyes) is really unhelpful. Express an opinion, sure. Offer advice, sure. Just hang back from thinking your word is law.

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 08:30

MerryMarigold · 23/07/2022 08:18

@YoYoLife

Do you have a child because I'd live in a tent for my daughter, anything for her needs implies you have no idea if how damaging that could be for a child!

because the one thing that will make her daughter happy again is the one thing she's simply not willing to do. How do you know it's not the baby? Or a developmental issue to do with being neuro diverse? They could move back and all the issues follow them (to be honest, I think that's very likely).

OP, just in case you were confused, the cure to all Dd's issues is not moving back to your old county and living in a tent!!!

Yes, I do have a daughter, and that is exactly why I said what I said. I must be mistaken but I presumed any mother would say the same thing. Apparently I was wrong. I'd walk over hot coals for my daughter. I would couch surf, I'd live in a tent (granted I live in a country with a warm climate), a caravan, live in a car. Anything. Absolutely anything!

How do you know it's not the baby? Or a developmental issue to do with being neuro diverse? They could move back and all the issues follow them (to be honest, I think that's very likely).

The OP's excluding her DD from being near the baby certainly wouldn't help, however OP said she was fine until the move, the move was the catalyst. OP even said DH and DD have always had a really lovely relationship (he’s not her real dad but been in her life since she was 2). She calls him daddy, and up until 2 years ago she preferred him to me and they did everything together.
2 years ago we had to move, in addition to stating and has hated him ever since. So, she went from a happy child with a very close relationship to her father, this, all because of the move. No other reason. If she had severe behavioral issues due to being ND, it would have shown up before, she was very happy until that moment. It's not a coincidence that it happened only because of the move.

OP, just in case you were confused, the cure to all Dd's issues is not moving back to your old county and living in a tent!!!

The cure certainly isn't staying where they are, either. They've by her own admission tried everything they can think of. Nothing has worked. To me the solution is very obvious, although granted obviously not simple or easy. But sometimes you need to do what you need to do to have a happy and healthy child. Their needs should always come first.

I really do wish the OP, her husband and daughter the best. And I hope things work out for them. But in absence of a move, given how much the daughter hates him because of the move, so much it is affecting their marriage and him even wanting to be alone with her, I'd say this family will be torn apart by the end of the year.

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 08:34

YoYoLife · 23/07/2022 08:30

Yes, I do have a daughter, and that is exactly why I said what I said. I must be mistaken but I presumed any mother would say the same thing. Apparently I was wrong. I'd walk over hot coals for my daughter. I would couch surf, I'd live in a tent (granted I live in a country with a warm climate), a caravan, live in a car. Anything. Absolutely anything!

How do you know it's not the baby? Or a developmental issue to do with being neuro diverse? They could move back and all the issues follow them (to be honest, I think that's very likely).

The OP's excluding her DD from being near the baby certainly wouldn't help, however OP said she was fine until the move, the move was the catalyst. OP even said DH and DD have always had a really lovely relationship (he’s not her real dad but been in her life since she was 2). She calls him daddy, and up until 2 years ago she preferred him to me and they did everything together.
2 years ago we had to move, in addition to stating and has hated him ever since. So, she went from a happy child with a very close relationship to her father, this, all because of the move. No other reason. If she had severe behavioral issues due to being ND, it would have shown up before, she was very happy until that moment. It's not a coincidence that it happened only because of the move.

OP, just in case you were confused, the cure to all Dd's issues is not moving back to your old county and living in a tent!!!

The cure certainly isn't staying where they are, either. They've by her own admission tried everything they can think of. Nothing has worked. To me the solution is very obvious, although granted obviously not simple or easy. But sometimes you need to do what you need to do to have a happy and healthy child. Their needs should always come first.

I really do wish the OP, her husband and daughter the best. And I hope things work out for them. But in absence of a move, given how much the daughter hates him because of the move, so much it is affecting their marriage and him even wanting to be alone with her, I'd say this family will be torn apart by the end of the year.

Show quote history

Sorry the bolding and italics in that post are all off and the wrong way around.