DH and DD at war. Don’t know what to do.

[Maximoose]

DH and DD have always had a really lovely relationship (he’s not her real dad but been in her life since she was 2). She calls him daddy, and up until 2 years ago she preferred him to me and they did everything together.

2 years ago we had to move counties, not too far, still close enough that we can do day trips to see friends and family but far enough that we had to move schools and get used to a new area.

She has blamed him entirely for this and has hated him ever since. She makes things up a lot, trying to get him into trouble with me. She has succeeded a few times, and we’ve had blazing rows but 90% of the time I’m in ear shot of their conversation so I know that she outright lied to my face about him being mean to her. She seems to deeply unhappy, and I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues now and don’t know what to do. We’ve tried private therapy, camhs, the school have counselling for her, we’ve tried more time with just me, more time with just daddy, more time with all of us together. We’ve tried completely backing off and letting her do her thing and we’ve tried being firmer and establishing boundaries.

She is so so sensitive and really really reacts strongly to the slightest thing. This mornings argument was my husband had asked her nicely to stand back and give him some room as he was injecting his insulin. I heard all this through the baby monitor. She then storms into the kitchen in hysterical tears saying that daddy told her she’s not allowed to play with her baby sister anymore and to go away.

It’s gotten to a point now where my husband doesn’t want to be alone with her as he’s sacred of what he’s going to be accused of next. However, he does all the morning school run as I work early. Some mornings she’s fine and he’s the best guy in the world, but a lot of mornings she screams and cries and won’t let me leave.

It’s her birthday next month as we have planned a lovely family trip away but I’m honestly dreading it. She’s having some sensory issues currently the school are monitoring and I have questioned her maybe having ocd or autism but camhs have no concerns.

i just don’t know what to do. I want to enjoy my child again but we are all just walking on egg shells around her.

Without her in the room I can get the baby down pretty quickly. If she’s there it’s a whole saga so i actually get to spend more one on one time with her if she spends some time alone while I get baby to sleep. She’s generally pretty happy to have some switch time or go on the iPad for an hour. It’s me who gets all the guilt but what can I do?

I did think that was a somewhat extreme (if perhaps effective) way of addressing the issues

When she’s alone with you do you see any signs of issues? How does she react to demands e.g. You asking her to tidy her room.
I’d be concerned about the intrusive thoughts, the lies, the extreme reactions.
I’d want CAMHS to look at assessing her, despite their current reluctance.

Generally she’s ok. She’s actually a very lovely and well behaved girl, abnormally so. It’s just this one little issue that we’re having. She can do the normal stomping up the stairs when asked to tidy her room but I don’t take much notice of that and I allow her to be mad, I don’t punish her for it. W

We talk a lot about feelings, how to understand them etc. I encourage her to be open and honest with us about how she’s feeling and I’m also open and honest with her about how I’m feeling. My husband not so much, he’s from a very repressive family and struggles with emotions (which doesn’t help!)

I know I’ve been a pretty terrible mum, I just want to try and reverse the damage before it’s too late and while she’s still small.

You have not been a pretty terrible mum!! You have been a totally normal mum. And the reason you feel the guilt is 100% because you love her so much. Don’t beat yourself up. No irreparable harm has been done. She will be just fine.

I think just accept that two kids is more than double the work, at this point. Yes it’s quicker to get the baby down if she’s not there (and actually, who would want to prolong bedtime 🤪), but maybe accept that you have two kids at the same time. Not one after the other. So, baby gets fed in the living room, lights down low. DD is sitting next to you reading, you’re chatting quietly or listening to a story or telling her a story. Baby is getting what he needs, DD is getting what she needs, you’re loving DS and DD at the same time and they both see that. Then, take DS upstairs and plop him in his cot. Two minutes. Back down to DD for another 30 mins - she can be with you wherever you are, undivided attention. Do this for two days and she’ll soon wander off to DH or be on her own. But that would be HER choice. She will know that if she wants you, you’re there.

There are four of you in this family and she has to learn what that means. So does your DH. He can’t opt out - you all live together, right? It doesn’t have to be big gestures and overtures and hugely intentional. Just, showing and demonstrating to DD - consistently, no matter what - that love isn’t being divided or shared out as the family grows. It multiplies, and she is an equal part of that.

Everything will work out. The fact you care so much suggests all will work out fine in the end.

The poster who says ‘there are four of you in this family’ has the right starting point. You all have different relationships and viewpoints; as she is young, you need to understand her needs within the structure, and figure out a balance between all four. Where do everybody’s personal boundaries lie? Where can you ‘give’ time to the baby and create acceptable boundaries for your DD? What can be earmarked for her when you are tending one-on-one for the baby? Think really hard about everyone’s needs, and how to balance them in your dynamic. Present a plan agreed with your DH.

She seems very distraught over this move, far more than just homesickness and it clearly isn't working out for her. I think to to find a way to move back to where you were. Can you do that? I think for her sake you need to put her needs first otherwise you might lose her. This move just hasn't worked out for her, you need to go back.

One thing you have not mentioned- is there chance she is thinking that her dad is going to love her sister more being his biological child?
we have ocd in our family - often triggered by a big event and usually the age of around 8 is a difficult time as it’s then that the child realises they are part of a bigger world and they feel more vulnerable.

Ask her to draw a picture of your family . That will show you where she feels she fits in. Ie does she put herself closest to her dad, you or the baby. Does she put the three of you together and herself slightly separate from you etc

And google infant reflexes not going dormant.

Really helpful advice. 🙄. Op has said why they had to move. Sometimes the grownups need to make the decisions instead of pleasing the children all the time. Because the world doesn’t revolve around them.

We do want to move back eventually, but won’t be for a long time.

And sometimes parents need to put their child's welfare first above their own wants.

Well then this might continue and your daughter's health may get worse, will you be able to live with that? Personally I'd go back asap. You need to put your daughter first in this scenario, and your career last.

If your DD were younger then you wouldn’t be able to ask her to leave the room for you to spend an hour feeding and settling your baby. Your baby will get used to the noise. I (like thousands of other parents) had a 2-year-old and a newborn. No chance of feeding the baby alone or expecting the 2-year-old to keep quiet. Your DD would have been in school all day for your baby to have quiet. When she is not in school I think it’s a bit much to expect her to leave the room when you feed the baby. Include her more, ask her to help.

She feels pushed out in favour of the baby. You are asking her to rationalise as an adult would. Adjust your expectations and try to see it as an 8yo would.

I agree with @Jovanka

And sometimes the rest of the families need to earn, eat and keep a roof over their head trumps the child not being happy.

You don't need to move to another country just to get a job and feed yourself. Child being happy trumps that. Ask any social services.

We can’t afford to!

Sell your house you're currently in (you said you own it), move back. You could afford to make the move, in the first place. I personally think you can't afford not to. I'd rather take charity food handouts than see my child suffer.

Pressed send to soon. That should read I'd rather take charity food handouts and live on benefits until I can get a job than see my child suffer. Whatever it takes, I'd do it. Couch-surfing, food charity, you name it. You have an asset to sell.

No.

she needs assessing for additional needs, and she needs to work on her relationship with her dad. Us being skint and stressed again with no job prospects is going to make everything 1000xs worse.

I don't think making the assumption that the move is what is causing your daughter to be so distressed is the answer if I am honest. What if you moved back and she wasn't any better? Being able to afford to move once is different from being able to afford to move twice, and if you had a house in a cheaper area where you didn't have to pass affordability checks for a mortgage etc that's a vastly cheaper move than buying and selling a house and stamp duty etc.

I think you're confused - they've moved county not country!!

OP it sounds like your DD is feeling a bit insecure, it's a tough place to be and find a balance. I think as PP have said, lots of reassurance and love from you and DP, understanding of how she's feeling etc and it'll improve imo.

I wouldn't be moving back, if you moved for work and need to provide for DC that's just the way it is. It will get better 😊