Would you have a baby with a man who was shit with money...

[Mahanii]

..but that was the only negative point you had found so far? A man who was in debt and seemingly had no concrete plan of getting himself out of it? Who was self employed and didn't seem to know how to maximise his income? Whose dad still bought him food every few weeks? It's quite a big negative point I know.

No way on this earth. And if he is like that, he shouldn't be self-employed. It leads to all sorts of problems. He clearly isn't earning enough and I would hate to see his tax returns.

You should read this thread, quite eye opening:
People on benefits - how do you cope?

I'd be questioning your self esteem tbh, why are your standards so low that you're willing to procreate with a loser? You need to raise your standards and expect a better life with or without men. What type of role model are you giving your child by dating losers?

I actually don't think my self esteem is low, but I have dated a LOT of men since my divorce and this guy is the best I've found! I'm not even particularly after a long term relationship just feeling broody as I reach that crucial age of now or never.

No. I think it’s a recipe for absolute stress and disaster.
my DH is probably the opposite, very clued up on finance, paying extra into pension, savings and investments, making spreadsheets . He’s just retired early.

You said he's lied to you though OP, about multiple things.

Why do you want to be with someone who lies to your face?

Baby aside, do you think that's a healthy relationship you can or should stay in?

Not a fucking chance in hell!

Definitely not.

Don't do it. I did. He screwed me over surprise surprise and doesn't really bother with DC.

When I say shit with money, what I mean is he spends like there's no tomorrow, then runs out and scrimps for a bit, then spends the next bit of income, then runs out and scrimps...he doesn't have any savings that I know of and he doesn't seem to have a massive amount of work. He does pay rent on his flat and his office and obviously bills, although I will never know if his dad helps him with that too.

I on the other hand am employed, save a chunk of my wages each month, spend frugally and consistently throughout the month so I never run out, don't splurge or go crazy on anything. I always have one eye on my bank account and bills, nothing ever takes me by surprise, and I never take offers of help from anyone.

I feel like we're at opposite ends of the how people deal with money spectrum.

What I DON'T mean is taps me for money, tries to cocklodge, doesn't pay when we go out, "forgets" his wallet etc. He's super generous, to a fault.

No - can't look after money, can't look after himself (or a baby!). Might be a decent person, but lousy person to have a child, or any responsibilities with.

Not in a million years. It will ruin your life.

Never. He could be a decent guy, but I would never have a child with him. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and stress. Whose going to pay for the child, you? Whose going to save for the child’s clubs, school, university? You?

why would you want to model that to your child?

Your self esteem is on the FLOOR if you would let a man who is openly financially incompetent ejaculate in you and create a new life. Sorry to break it to you, but you are deluded.

Go down the sperm donor route if you want another child. Don’t give a man a shit father. Because it’s not just about being ‘bad with money’- being bad with money means that you are careless, irresponsible and impulsive. Not great traits.

It's not even the being shit with money part that's the biggest issue here, plenty of people are, the issue is not being prepared to deal with it. My friend fell in love with a guy who had run up debts when he was younger. She worked in banking so was able to help him sort it all out and many years later they're married, have kids and he is a great dad who can manage finances responsibly. Burying his head in the sand and relying on his dad doesn't seem conducive to sorting things out.

Put it this was he was going on holiday whilst I couldn't after maternity clothes. I paid for my own maternity leave. Put the deposit on the house down alone. Never again.

You sound like you don’t want to listen to advice. Presumably you don’t even live together yet. How long have you been together ?

I wouldn't even want to sleep with him, let alone have kids with him.

Someone mean with money would be my biggest turn off!

No. Absolutely not. I'm not rich enough to afford a poor partner.

Does he want a child? Does he want a child with you? this sounds like an extremely one-sided debate where you have decided you want another baby and don't much care whether the father is good bad or indifferent because you've survived worse. But what about him? Is he saying he wants a child with you? Does he want that responsibility? even feckless spendthrifts have a right to decide whether they want to procreate or not.

Honestly I think you are being unfair to everyone here - including yourself.

Don't do it, he's not even responsible to look after himself, let alone a child!
What about all the things he'll be expected to pay half of things, except he won't have any money- you'll be left paying for everything, it will breed resentment and cause stress. You'll be the main breadwinner and bringing up 2 children, with a man-child to also look after,
You'll be a single parent so if that's what you want then go for it. But great that you've asked for advice, so pls take it

I did.

Don't do it.

Not sure whether it’s been asked, but how old is he? It’s a bit different for a twenty year year old to be financially immature, compared to a thirty year.

I’m assuming nearer the latter as you want a child. I’m also assuming that his father is bailing him out more than he lets on, if he doesn’t have a lot of work.

I already have done this. Didn't quite know how bad but that's a whole other story. If you love him, this is his only flaw etc then it can work, however you can't trust him to change you can try and help him but don't rely on it. I have now taken full control of all of the family bills, he's self employed and normally payed cash which I find doesn't help with people who aren't good with money. Each week I tell him what bills need covering that week+ some for our savings etc and he gives it to me before he does anything else. That works for us but is a lot of pressure on me as I have to control everything so if you think you can live like that then I'd say yes, if not run a mile xx

@Pallisers I think you're right in that I don't care because I've survived far worse and would still go through it all again to have my dc. So that will be skewing my perspective. Plus the fact that I find all men generally irritating and childish so in my eyes this guy is the best of a bad bunch. And yes, he wants a child. He also has one already. He hasn't abandoned that child, he has regular contact (2 days a week) and claims he pays maintenance. So again...better than my ex. I think it's that thing of a 5/10 arsehole being an upgrade from a 10/10 arsehole.

I am listening to advice. It's nothing I haven't thought myself. It's just good to talk it through.