Would you have a baby with a man who was shit with money...

[Mahanii]

..but that was the only negative point you had found so far? A man who was in debt and seemingly had no concrete plan of getting himself out of it? Who was self employed and didn't seem to know how to maximise his income? Whose dad still bought him food every few weeks? It's quite a big negative point I know.

And yet you want to be tied to him for 18+ years? You want your hypothetical child to spend 50% of it's life with this man? Why?

No do not do it! My ex became shit with money, in that he spent and spent on himself and it nearly broke me.

You do not need this stress.

I did. No shock to say we didn't last. 10 years on he's still just as shit with money, often late paying maintenance, takes no responsibility for anything and resents spending any real money on his kids. Don't regret having children but wish we'd separated far sooner than we did!

No. Never. What are you thinking

And yet you want to be tied to him for 18+ years? You want your hypothetical child to spend 50% of it's life with this man? Why?

I did this accidentally the first time around, I don't regret any of it, I have the best relationship with my dc, who still see their dad, it's really not as awful as it sounds. I don't rely on him financially and me and dc are doing well.
So my thinking is that at least this time I'd be going into it with my eyes open. I find most men useless anyway, so I'm kind of just in it for the good bits.

No, it's no small thing because money is involved in every aspect of our lives. Not being good with that is kind of huge. And the more money you get the more he will expect you give him. My husband is the one who is good with money, he pays the bills, I always know we are financially okay because of him. It's lovely, takes a whole weight off. Get yourself a man like that.

But how do men like this make any kind of role model for your DC? My DH has his faults, but he is a totally responsible man. Has never, ever let me or our DC down.

My husband is the one who is good with money, he pays the bills, I always know we are financially okay because of him. It's lovely, takes a whole weight off. Get yourself a man like that.
Why do I need a man to take the weight off, I'm the one like that!
I don't disagree with what everyone is saying. I think I just rely on myself so much that I can't see the problem, because I would never allow it to become a problem. I would never dream of subbing him, for example. I never even buy him a drink until he's bought me one!

But how do men like this make any kind of role model for your DC?
What about cooking, cleaning, caring for people when ill etc? I'm useless at those things and certainly no role model. I'm good at working multiple jobs, making and saving money, shopping frugally, but none of the other domestic things which he's good at.

No for the following reasons.

1. He’s in debt (what has caused the debt?)
2. No life plan , to get himself out of debt (and I guess no career plan either) 3);Self employed - not bad in himself, but see point 2. No plans to make more money.
3. Dad takes him food - so not managing what money he has, ie, budgeting for food, the debt etc.

He you lived together, he’d be a potential cocklodger.

Absolutely not.

Nor would I marry, buy a house with or even have a joint bank account with such a person. A responsible attitude to money is non-negotiable for me.

A good friend of mine married & bought a house with a gambler, who became an addict. They ended up losing everything, and she bitterly regrets becoming financially entwined with him.

No, no, no! Unless you have absolute control of your joint finances.

But even then, things could change, he could become unemployable, he could find ways of undermining your efforts eg by borrowing money against your home ...

No. I'll stick with No, no, no!

1. Debt - says he "invested" in his business. I haven't asked further questions but my bullshit radar tells me he spent money on stuff he couldn't really afford and told himself he needed it.
2. He does have a career plan and plans to make more money, just doesn't seem to be very good at executing it. Again, I don't ask questions because I think he will bullshit because he's embarrassed.
3. Yes the dad thing is embarrassing. Also means his parents enable him rather giving him a boot up the arse. He makes out his dad just insists on taking him out or "drops things round". They do seem to have a good relationship but I'd rather eat my own eyes than take from my mum.

It's not just 'bad with money', it's being immature, dependant and lack of ambition.

What are his parents like? If they enable him financially do you think they would carry that over into parenting? As in if you were to break up and he lived at home is his mum the type to be overbearing with her grandchild and would that bother you?

Just thinking ahead. Not sure what it's like with your child's paternal grandparents now.

I asked this because it sounds as though you just want a baby from him with no strings but what if it goes the other way and his parents want to facilitate him having custody and make try to make decisions about the baby that you wouldn't agree with? I'm thinking of the 'My MIL took baby for first haircut/pierced their ears/fed them honey/didn't use a car seat' threads on here.

It's all hypothetical and probably really unlikely but something to think about.

I'm thinking of the 'My MIL took baby for first haircut/pierced their ears/fed them honey/didn't use a car seat' threads on here
I've been through all these scenarios with my ex in laws!
To be honest, I think because my ex and his family and that whole situation were so far down the spectrum of awful, nothing feels like it could be that bad ever again. I've faced all the worst possible things and overcome them, and I'd still do them all again for my beautiful dc.

My dh is bad with money. I organised it then we had kids. Relying on him financially isn’t a option. Debt has caused more stress than I care to mention. I wouldn’t advise it. In my experience it’s not just money he is disorganised with. He has improved but it has taken years and years.

No because I married one and have since divorced. The constant arguments about his terrible financial situation was awful. I kept bailing him out only for him to do it again. Never again

@Mahanii If you wan to live with him, it will affect you and your relationship.

Absolutely not.
It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into settling. There are 1000s of men out there better.

I haven't asked further questions but my bullshit radar tells me he spent money on stuff he couldn't really afford and told himself he needed it.

As well as him being bad with money, I'd be asking myself (assuming you're right) if I really wanted to have a baby with a man who lies to my face?

And the answer would be no.

That's not the only lie he's told either. Rational me knows this is a bad idea and talking it through on here is helpful.

So he's at best shit with money and you know he's lied to you about certain things.

And he's at worst (and most likely) shit with money, you know he's lied to you about certain things and he's lied to you about other things you don't know he's lied about.

Setting the baby issue to one side, why do you want to be with someone you know lied to you?!