DH weight gain - am I an awful person?

[anon182]

My DH has gained quite a bit of weight lately and looks much heavier than he did - since WFH he doesn't go out much and when he does he drives. We used to walk everywhere and our commute involved exercise. He eats and snacks constantly but when I've tried to gently discuss it or suggest we both cut down for the sake of our health, nothing changes.

I'm finding myself reluctant to have sex with him even though I know weight fluctuates and looks fade - I'm genuinely not a shallow person, but I find the lack of effort really off-putting.

I know if I were a man saying this about his wife's weight I'd be crucified on here, but it's about his attitude towards it (I'm under no illusions, I'm not exactly a supermodel myself but I like to make an effort to be attractive to him and keep some spark - it doesn't feel like he cares and he believes I'll have sex with him regardless) and the health aspect as much as his appearance. I'm also just tired of the constant eating!

The thing is, if 8t were a man talking about a woman then her attitude towards it would probably be no different. This is more a question of got better or worse. For some people vows are just words, to others they are a lifelong commitment.

Spell check fail.

But surely you love the person, not his weight?
I'm 4 stone heavier then when I met DH and after 2 children he still loves me and still wants sex with me... should he not?

He's changed physically so you don't fancy him. It's completely reasonable and logical if you feel like he's stopped making the effort.

DP and I have both gained weight and my body has changed massively since having children and luckily we're still attracted to each other.

When did you last have a date night? You might find the weight and physical appearance doesn't matter all that much if the effort is there.

This type of thread comes up here every so often and there isn't usually much support for the OP. But I understand what you are saying. I have found it frustrating in the past when my DH stopped caring about his appearance (not necessarily weight gain but other things). I agree it is the lack of self care that is off putting.

I gained a lot of weight over the last few years, having been very slim for most of my adult life. I do not expect my DH to find me as physically attractive as he used to. He still loves me and finds me attractive in other ways, but I don't think for one second he finds me as 'sexy' as he did when I was slimmer. I don't begrudge him that.

That is up to your husband, if he wishes to. Not everybody feels the same, that should not be hard to understand. It is all very well saying that you should love the person, but for some people physical attraction is just as important. A lot of weight gain is not tolerable to some partners. It is not a crime to feel that way.

Why do we have to pretend that physical attraction doesn’t exist, especially when it comes to women’s sexuality? Love has nothing to do with it, she may love him very much, that doesn’t mean she’d still want to jump his bones if he got to 30 stone.

I've been in a similar situation. He was out of work and the weight piled on very quickly, so it doesn't compare to a creeping weight gain over years.

I struggled with finding someone who thought it was OK to drink and eat excessively attractive.

You're not an awful person and people need to be able to be honest about this stuff. Men as well as women. Attraction matters for most of us. You'll hear plenty of people tell you that you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to, so if his weight gain is putting you off him, the result is that your sex life will decline. You should not be shamed over this - I would hope that nobody would try to shame a man or woman into having sex with someone they're not attracted to. You cannot talk yourself into finding the larger him attractive.

He needs to know that you do care about this before he can make an informed decision about his priorities. If he doesn't understand how much it affects you then he can't weigh that in the balance.
You can't assume he knows because if being overweight is common in his social circles, he may see it as normal, and there is more social acceptance of overweight in men. Plus many women don't really mind, just as many men don't really mind.

It's not going to be an easy conversation but I wonder if focusing on how much you have fancied him in the past, and how much you value that aspect of your relationship, might help? And honestly, but gently, saying that you are worried about losing your healthy sex life, and yes, we all age and change, but we can still make the most of ourselves, and can you explore together how to make an effort for each other?

I’m in a similar situation, but weight gain isn’t just a question of eating too much. There are usually emotional factors.
My DP doesn’t eat a lot but he has bad sleep and drinks too much sugar. He’s now addicted. I’m going to get him a therapist.

You need to get your DP help. Just telling him to stop eating doesn’t cut it. Of course if he refuses and doesn’t see why it’s a problem you have to take more drastic measures. But you’re not a bad person for feeling this way.

This is more a question of got better or worse. For some people vows are just words, to others they are a lifelong commitment.

@LuckyLil , the vow is to love your spouse for better or worse, not to have sex with them regardless of whether you want to. OP hasn't suggested that she'll leave her husband over his weight gain, but that it will damage their physical relationship.

I think the fact that OP is looking ahead and wants to keep this aspect of their relationship strong shows that she is truly taking her vows seriously.

Of course, she may have taken different vows anyway!

Also OP i think it’s a bit different for women because pregnancy etc can cause weight gain. The majority of men however aren’t pur off by a bit of weight gain.
Excessive gain, with nothing done to mitigate it is off-putting no matter the sex.

I think it depends how much weight he’s put on and if you’re overweight yourself.

My friend is only allowed to stay within a 1/2 stone weight range else her partner will leave her whereas she would be ok with him putting on a couple of pounds.

You say it’s his attitude towards it which makes me wonder if it’s a low mood thing.

I know the cycle of having a low mood so not exercising or eating healthy and then putting on weight which makes my mood even lower and it just carries on.

It’s a hard one as if you say too much it could push him to eating more and putting on more weight.
But I would definitely encourage getting out and doing some nice walks and eating healthier meals because “you want to” rather than making it about him.

whereas she would be ok with him putting on a couple of pounds.

• couple of stone I was meant to write

Firstly, whatever the poor men brigade try to argue, its a myth that people react differently if the person posting about this is a man or a woman. People's opinions are not based on the sex of the overweight person but on their own attitudes to being overweight, and often depend on whether they also struggle with their weight.
Its also irrelevant how many people think you're justified and how many think you're shallow. (Though I'm sure they'll be pages from both sides, peppered with nunerous 'double standards!!!' posts from Bernard and the boys.)
The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel as you have on here and if there's no change decide if you want to stay with him or not. The rest is just gravy.

Not unreasonable. If my husband had put on a lot of weight I would not be happy, purely because I would worry about his health. I want to live a long and healthy, active life with someone, which won’t happen if you keep abusing your body overeating. And I would expect him to feel the same about me.

I find this all so shallow and awful.

I read this last week.

I never understand comments like this - who is it benefitting? It's a common issue considering things change in relationships, not exactly unique, doesn't mean OP's post isn't valid.

Did you see tonight's lottery numbers while you're there?

My DH has put on weight in the last year or 2. He said years ago that he "wouldn't let" me get really overweight (I'm not sure how he was going to do that ) but he is now noticeably heavier than he was. I'm sure it's because he drinks too much but whenever he talks about losing weight, he says he needs to get back into exercise (he does some exercise but used to do more). If i mention drinking, he gets very defensive and changes the subject to what my bad habits are!

I'm on your side OP.
I honestly think it's sort of disrespectful to "let yourself go" in a relationship.
It's no different to dropping effort in any other area.

If you broke up, the first thing he would do is start taking more care of his appearance to be more attractive to a prospective new partner, but you're not worth the same effort.

I understand @anon182

Im finding it difficult as my DP is not able to do things because of his weight and general lack of fitness and whilst he moans about being fat doesn’t do anything about it. I do find it all a bit unattractive. He’s not massively overweight, but it’s impacting his health and joie de vivre.

Im not thin, but have made a massive effort to lose lockdown excess pounds and get fit, partly to be more attractive, by being more positive really.

It’s a tricky one.

These threads come up sometimes and I think it shows the modern delusion of what marriage can or should be.
Your husband has gained weight, do you have to find it attractive? No. Should you divorce over it? No. A lot of peoples spouses gain weight for various reasons or lose their looks. Very few people just age gracefully thin and good looking to be a still handsome or pretty 80.

Thinking you’ll forever have the same physical attraction as you did once for your partner is pure delusion.

Are there any other problems in the relationship or is it just eating and exercise related?

My ex husband put on weight (beer gut I think is an accurate description), but I disliked him as a person by that stage and certainly didn't love him. I don't know how I'd feel about it in an ordinary or 'normal' relationship. I might feel we had less in common because I'm health and fitness conscious.