DH weight gain - am I an awful person?

[anon182]

My DH has gained quite a bit of weight lately and looks much heavier than he did - since WFH he doesn't go out much and when he does he drives. We used to walk everywhere and our commute involved exercise. He eats and snacks constantly but when I've tried to gently discuss it or suggest we both cut down for the sake of our health, nothing changes.

I'm finding myself reluctant to have sex with him even though I know weight fluctuates and looks fade - I'm genuinely not a shallow person, but I find the lack of effort really off-putting.

I know if I were a man saying this about his wife's weight I'd be crucified on here, but it's about his attitude towards it (I'm under no illusions, I'm not exactly a supermodel myself but I like to make an effort to be attractive to him and keep some spark - it doesn't feel like he cares and he believes I'll have sex with him regardless) and the health aspect as much as his appearance. I'm also just tired of the constant eating!

I hear you, OP. DH has got the most appalling habits with food - he eats like a bird at mealtimes which are all healthy and home made, then spends the entire evening snacking. Crisps, chocolate, toast, cereal laden with sugar.... you name it. He's put around 2 stone on and it's on all his abdomen which makes his arms and legs look ridiculously skinny ...... he's had heart surgery recently too which annoys me even more as his fat and sugar content must be through the roof daily. He won't take on board the damage this diet is doing to his health.

One thing I have made clear though is that I won't be his carer .............. and I mean it. Any future health issues that come from his lifestyle choices are his alone to deal with.

And my husband used to say he'd leave me if I ever reached a size 12. I don't think he was joking either. I found that awful at the time, and the irony of it now.

I wouldn't blame anyone for losing attraction to a partner who has gained a lot of weight. It's happening in my relationship right now. My partner has admitted that she's let herself go completely, has gained a ton of weight, has completely lost her libido, and has only recently finally conceded that I'm correct and she is in the grip of a depressive episode.

The reason I confronted her about this is that the loss of libido is a huge issue for me. I am no longer attracted to her for a number of reasons, one of which is the weight gain, but also the fact that if she has no sex drive I don't want to be intimate with her anyway, and her physical appearance and lack of self-care shows a complete lack of effort, which is totally off-putting and deeply unattractive.

I'm persevering though because she realises that this can be turned around, and she's taking steps to address it. That changes nothing about the fact that I'm not attracted to her physically in her current state. It's not what I signed up for, so I don't see any need to pretend otherwise. I'll support her as long as she's making some sort of effort to address it, but I'm not going to stick around indefinitely if nothing changes. I would never have entered a relationship with her in the first place if she was the way she is right now. People are entitled to have boundaries, a right to choose what they find attractive and what they don't, and it's ridiculous to try and guilt trip someone into ignoring the fact that they find their partners' physical appearance repulsive. It's not 'shallow'. It isn't the agreement you entered into. In any other circumstance you'd cancel the contract, sell the item, give it to charity, swap for something you did like the look of. It's ridiculous to suggest that it's different because it's a partner and that alone should be enough to completely override your feelings and emotions.

MN is all about not having sex if you don’t want to unless you’ve gone off it because your partner or spouse has gained weight, in which case you have to keep doing it or else you’re shallow and mean.

OP, it’s 100% normal for physical attraction to change if the other person’s physical appearance changes. People don’t like it but it’s true. If you wouldn’t have fancied him at this weight when you got together then why would you fancy him at this weight now.

He doesn’t have to lose weight but you don’t have to shag him if he’s not doing it for you anymore. Of course it’s hurtful to realise your partner isn’t into you anymore but it works both ways and if you change how you look dramatically by eating loads you can’t expect your partner to feel the same way they did.

What do you want to do? Tell him how you feel?

The reason I confronted her about this is that the loss of libido is a huge issue for me.

Is the fact she’s in a depressive episode not your primary concern?

I get that people may not be attracted to their partner if they’ve gained loads of weight, and I think it's okay to vocalise that (sensitively), but I’d hope the primary concern in this type of situation would be for their mental wellbeing.

I completely agree with Kara8787
I can't believe how shallow people are

Not shallow, just being honest about how they are feeling.

Please explain how it’s shallow to want to be attracted to the person you have sex with, especially if that person is your spouse.

Is the fact she’s in a depressive episode not your primary concern?

No

I typed up a long response outlining why, but on reflection it's too intimate to post in public. There are good reasons why I'm not particularly concerned about the depression, mainly because it's in hand and we both know what's going on. But the jist of it is the depression itself does not and never has really had any detrimental effect on our relationship. It's only once it's gotten to a particularly advanced state that some of the secondary symptoms do become big issues.

Thinking you’ll forever have the same physical attraction as you did once for your partner is pure delusion.

Thinking that being married allows you to gain a large amount of weight and obliges your spouse to shag you even though they don’t fancy you is the real delusion. It’s not carte blanche to stop taking care of yourself.

Glitteratitar It's unrealistic. Look around you. Who ages without their looks fading or gaining weight? Life happens. Shit happens. You should be able to count on your partner.

It’s not a question of “should”; ultimately, you can’t help what you do or don’t find attractive. Sexual attraction isn’t rational.

Sexual attraction IS shallow in its very nature. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just human nature.

Your partner shouldn't think they can stop making the effort to make you feel special or wanted either though.

Have to laugh at the idiotic comments I didn't sign up to this when I met you.. you met her and she didn't have wrinkles but as she gets older she does. Her hair also turns white that wasn't what you signed up for right she had beautiful brown/black/blonde or whatever colour.

What if she had kids now cant lost that weight got stretch marks - that wasn't what you signed up for when you met her she was stretch mark free no jiggly tummy either.

Or conversely for men, well she met you you have full head of glorious hair, but now your losing it. That wasn't what she signed up for!

I means its utterly ridiculous

She has to stay within 1/2 stone weight gain?!! Say what now??? 😱

Growing older is something that a person has no control over whatsoever.

I personally find a bit of beef attractive. That's just me though 😂

But people find different things attractive/unattractive. Personally DH having grey hair or wrinkles doesn't bother me, but a big gut/beer belly really would belly. Same goes for DH, I don't think he even notices my grey hairs and wrinkles but he if I suddenly ballooned in weight he would.

@NotTodaySatan654 I can't believe no one else has noticed this post 😱

It’s interesting that you want to hide this behind things people can’t control, things that we all know will happen through life, such as ageing.
Gaining large amounts of weight is something WITHIN people’s control, so not comparable. It would be more like your partner coming home with a full face tattoo.

I don't think it's shallow to not find someone attractive, it's biology and there's only so much we can control in that regard. I guess it's also the attitude that's unattractive too.

No advice, I just didn't want you to get universally slammed and feel alone in this.

It would be more like your partner coming home with a full face tattoo. Lol it's really not. The human body can change, through diet, disease etc.

I do find it odd that people's attraction to their spouse changes when their body changes. If you marry someone in their 20s/30s then it's fairly obvious that at some point their body is going to change for a number of reasons, and surely there was more than just appearance which attracted you to your husband.

Having said that if you don't want to have sex with him you don't want to have sex with him. You shouldn't force it, you need to sit down with your husband and have a chat. He might get upset but it's either that or live without sex.