DH weight gain - am I an awful person?

[anon182]

My DH has gained quite a bit of weight lately and looks much heavier than he did - since WFH he doesn't go out much and when he does he drives. We used to walk everywhere and our commute involved exercise. He eats and snacks constantly but when I've tried to gently discuss it or suggest we both cut down for the sake of our health, nothing changes.

I'm finding myself reluctant to have sex with him even though I know weight fluctuates and looks fade - I'm genuinely not a shallow person, but I find the lack of effort really off-putting.

I know if I were a man saying this about his wife's weight I'd be crucified on here, but it's about his attitude towards it (I'm under no illusions, I'm not exactly a supermodel myself but I like to make an effort to be attractive to him and keep some spark - it doesn't feel like he cares and he believes I'll have sex with him regardless) and the health aspect as much as his appearance. I'm also just tired of the constant eating!

Weight is pretty much self inflicted, you can’t do anything about ageing but weight is generally in your control.

She has to stay within 1/2 stone weight gain?!! Say what now???

She also had 6 months to lose her baby weight else he’d leave her.

I always thought it was an awful thing and really controlling but after being on MN it seems it’s quite common to feel the same.

I would struggle to want sex with my husband if he gained a lot of weight too.

@Kara8787 the point is men are held to a lower standard. I know loads of people, myself included, who put on weight over lockdown. The women as standard felt a pressure to lose it, and beat themselves up horribly, and my male friends... just didn't. It was all vague 'oh when the gyms open again...' but they really gave no fucks about walking around in clothes that were so small on them now their bellies hung over them and they now had a builders bum showing in public. They didn't care like society tells women they have to care.

@TibetanTerrah

But that wasn’t the point you were making. You were saying it’s different for men and women when they gain weight and as a result there is nothing wrong with women finding mens weight gain unattractive while men finding womens weight gain unattractive is wrong. So actually your holding men to a higher standard whatever you say the rest of society does. And excusing it.

Please don't tell me the point you think I was making. I made more than one.

and as a result there is nothing wrong with women finding mens weight gain unattractive while men finding womens weight gain unattractive is wrong << this you've completely made up. I never said those words.

There is something unattractive, male or female, about getting lazy and letting yourself get fat by eating too much and not bothering to move. As it happens that's the cause of becoming overweight/obese in most men, barring some serious health issues. Women have hormonal and gynae causes, that if not a direct cause of weight gain, can slow weight loss. Women also generally put themselves last after children, lose their personal time for hobbies and the gym, whereas for the men, this part of their lives doesn't change. You only have to look at any thread in relationships to see the difference in free time for basic self care.

@TibetanTerrah

Oh please loads of women get fat for the exact same reason as men, they eat more than they burn and as they age it’s harder to take it off (especially if your inclined to put it on).

But regardless the net result is whatever the reason, they are fat - either that’s unattractive or not.

I think a lot of the problem is if the parter lets themselves go, in this case by putting on weight, and doesn’t make any effort to sort it out it makes the other partner think they don’t give a shit anymore and that’s the real issue.

@Kara8787

Do you think people should have sex with people they don't find sexually attractive?

Count on them for what? Sex? I would. It be physically attracted to my partner if he gained a lot of wait. My attraction to him is also because we share the same attitude towards health, fitness and making an effort to look good for each other. I don't owe him physical attraction or sex because I love him. That's not how it works. Even if I bring I'll health into the mix. I can't fake sexual attraction because they're in poor health and can't do anything about it. I also don't know anybody who doesn't feel like this.
This blind duty to alleging they would love someone regardless of looks is bollocks in my opinion.

As PPs have said, there are a lot of factors at play here.

My DH put on a lot of weight which I didn't love, but I still loved him and because of the emotional connection I still found him attractive.

Fast forward to losing our emotional connection and I couldn't stand to look at him never mind let him near me in the bedroom.

As something of a born again fit person, I found that as I got fitter I was genuinely only attracted to fit people. I don't think it's necessarily about looks though but about the whole holistic connection between the person and their body. One of my biggest changes in the last few years has been the realisation that I am my body and my body is me. They aren't two separate things. My body isn't just the thing that the real me resides in. It is as much me as my mind is me. Truly realising that has allowed me to do things I used to only imagine being able to do. Having gained these abilities in mid-life, I'm planning to keep them for decades. I look after my whole self so that I can keep on being the best me for as long as possible.

And that's what I find sexy. I find a middle aged person doing a handstand sexy. Middle aged and running a good marathon is sexy. Middle aged and doing a splits or a backflip is sexy. It doesn't have to be any or all of those specific things. They don't even have to be stunningly good at them. But pursuit of fun but ambitious physical goals is fucking sexy. Yeah, people like that tend to look physically fit, but it's much more than aesthetic. It's a body/mind connection that just shines off them.

@MoodyTwo Oh come on. Of course people love their partners and not their weight, but love isn't exactly the same as sexual attraction, and you know it.

The two can often overlap - many on here will tell of stories where they suddenly found someone incredibly sexually attractive because of a trait they had or how they laughed or smiled, but they are still not the same thing. Men are pretty ruthless when it comes to their sexual selection - it's funny how it's mainly women who are guilt tripped for not wanting to have sex with men who just aren't sexuall appealing to them, or even health looking.

And then there's the personality aspect - some people have health issues which makes weight loss very hard for them, but often, they are over eating, and some of these men don't seem to care about the effect of that on their own health.

@Kara8787 @onlinedatingsucks 🙄

You are welcome to shag as many obese men as you like.
Just please don't guilt trip other women for not wanting to.

@SunnySideDeepDown

Most 60 year olds probably fancy people in their own age range. It's just how it works

Maybe for women, but definitely not for men.

I agree with this. Both my ex and i put on several stone during our long relationship but both still found each other sexually attractive. My hair went from long to short, black to blonde (although mainly grey!) and we both had health issues that meant we risked significant physical changes, but that was all part of the love to me. He never stopped being handsome, even with eczema on his eyelids or thinning hair, or dark eye bags etc! He also never stopped being a monumental arsehole, but that’s another story!

When I meet the next one I’m looking for someone who will love me through weight fluctuations, unauthorised haircuts, potentially major surgery, menopause and beyond. If all he’s looking for is a “healthy” (for which read slim) figure there’s plenty of others out there. If he wants someone affectionate, generous, thoughtful, funny, clever and with a high sex drive he can take the wobbly bits with it.

I guess that’s the difference to me - middle aged man running a marathon I think “selfish!” Many of my friends have husbands who are into running or cycling and spend all weekend off doing their hobby, leaving her and kids home without him. Then the drinks and socials etc, not to mention affairs within running groups because they spend more time with each other than their families.

Give me a couch potato any day, snuggled up together not off doing some endurance training and then being good for nothing when you get home.

@DillAte nailed it.

A lot of people fluctuate weight wise, but whatever the reason most people should assume that if they drastically change in weight and appearance, the nature of attraction will change. If a partner developed anorexia or a similar physical problem that resulted in extreme weight loss most people would likely no longer be physically attracted to that person either. It's biology 🤷‍♀️

Tbh, in the last few years, the only real life people I've been really attracted to are women. So they are managing their physical hobbies alongside getting shit at home done. So extra sexy!

@Dreamstate yes exactly and Op doesn't even say how much weight hes put on , could be a little and does the OP look the same
Ive put on weight due to health reasons mainly and my husband until recently has remained slim, we still have a relationship as although attraction is of course important its a lot deeper than that after 20 years
I get of your with someone though and they make no effort for you but would if going out with friends etc and if weight is dangerous for health and they aren't trying to address it
But despite what mumsnet think some of us with health conditions eat little calories but the weight doesn't shift