DH weight gain - am I an awful person?

[anon182]

My DH has gained quite a bit of weight lately and looks much heavier than he did - since WFH he doesn't go out much and when he does he drives. We used to walk everywhere and our commute involved exercise. He eats and snacks constantly but when I've tried to gently discuss it or suggest we both cut down for the sake of our health, nothing changes.

I'm finding myself reluctant to have sex with him even though I know weight fluctuates and looks fade - I'm genuinely not a shallow person, but I find the lack of effort really off-putting.

I know if I were a man saying this about his wife's weight I'd be crucified on here, but it's about his attitude towards it (I'm under no illusions, I'm not exactly a supermodel myself but I like to make an effort to be attractive to him and keep some spark - it doesn't feel like he cares and he believes I'll have sex with him regardless) and the health aspect as much as his appearance. I'm also just tired of the constant eating!

majorty of those things are unavoidable though - gaining copious amounts of body fat due to your lifestyle and food choices IS avoidable.

I am not hiding behind anything.. people wrote.. 'I didn't sign up for this when I met her/him'. Meaning when I met x person they looked like x and I didn't sign up for them to look different to that later on in life.

Thats why I say its idiotic. You cannot say I didn't sign up for this when I met someone and how they looked then but say well its okay if they get wrinkles or lose hair but not weight. That person doesn't look like the person you met and signed up of whether the change is grey hair, losing hair, wrinkles, weight etc. Cant' just cherry pick to suit that argument.

It’s something within a persons control the vast, vast majority of the time, and certainly in this case.

@herecomemydemons but if we are talking about innate attraction then it is comparable. Their body has changed, that's all. Their body was always going to change.

That’s the point. It’s personal. If your partner suddenly lost 4 stone and you were no longer attracted to them you’d be no more obliged to find them as attractive as if they gained it.

We aren't talking about avoidable/unavoidable things. We are apparently talking about an innate attraction

It's more that it's acceptable to be unattracted to something within someone's control, whilst it's not acceptable to say you are unnattracted to something outside someone's control -aging, disability, scar/stretch marks, hair loss

Would OP still be attracted to her husband if he'd gained weight as a result of a medical condition? Is it then actually not the weight gain that is unattractive but more OPs perception of fat people?

It seems bizarre to marry someone, knowing your going to spend your life with them and have your attraction hinge on what their body looks like.

And whilst weight is within our control its also hugely emotional and has so many contributing factors. It's really not as simple as just lose weight for many people, it takes a massive amount of mental effort, and it's about time we start acknowledging that rather than pushing the rhetoric that fat people are just greedy and lazy and can't be arsed.

And actually what might help OP regain her attraction to her husband is reframing how she considers fat people, and the thoughts she has around fat people.

I agree with @Carrotzen to be honest. Plus who wants their partner as skin and bone?! Not me 😂😂

Well that's the same thing. You're stating a physical preference!

I knew I'd get this response as soon as I posted 😅 @MurderAtTheBeautyPageant okay you win 😂

Totally agree with this.

It's not just an appearance issue. It can have serious health consequences that are often overlooked in a wouldn't happen to me kind of way.

If your spouse was downing a couple of bottles of spirits a day you wouldn't feel guilty or shallow trying to encourage them to do something about it.

You're making the mistake of thinking that all changes are of equal value. They are not, objectively or subjectively.

And if someone is making an active choices to do something that leads to them less attractive to you, it sends a message about their lack of respect for you, whether that thing is getting a nose piercing or eating more calorie-dense foods without a commensurate increase in exercise.

I would imagine that there are lots of people who find their partner less attractive due to unavoidable physical changes. But there would be little point in posting to ask how to encourage your partner to be less bald or wrinkled, so it doesn't get spoken about.

Some of the responses here are unfair to the op, she clearly said it has a lot to do with his attitude so why are people saying she has an issue with fat people in general. I’m in the same boat and while it has bothered me for years, its really only when it became apparent that our relationship isn’t worth making any changes for that he and his habits have become repulsive to me.

To address the point about it not being what you signed up for, it certainly isn’t what I signed up for and I wouldn’t be attracted to him if I met him now but the point is it’s not just about the weight, I also didn’t sign up for a selfish slob and just in case you haven’t guessed, I find that deeply unattractive too.

Jesus wept

A lot of debate about your attitude being right or wrong, but the upshot is that it needs to change for your future happiness.
The problem as I see it is the not going out, and therefore also not doing stuff together. More important than ever to go out regularly when WFH, otherwise you can become insular and depressed, which is likely where your DH is at.
So, you plan some outdoor activities together, and if he won't do that with you then that is what you can take issue with because hes saying he isnt up for spending time doing things with you in that case.
Overall, he sounds no fun anymore and it's totally reasonable to have a problem with that, so you might need to confront him on that basis.
Whether it's gym, swimming or walking together, make it a regular thing, your health and closeness will improve at the same time.

There are so many more medical reasons that a woman would put on weight, even just down to 'having children'. Plus the fact women generally take on the mental load, have less time for hobbies/gym...

For men, it's much more likely that they just eat too much, yet they don't have the same level of social pressures we do with fat shaming and not 'letting yourself go'.

That's why it's unattractive in a man. And that's why the post saying 'if this were a man posting...' are not as 'aha' as they think they are.

I'm slim, no children, no partner. But I get it. It's different for women and men.

You are not an awful person, OP, I would feel the same. A lot of people would like to believe that weight gain is an inevitable and involuntary part of aging like getting grey hair or wrinkles but it's not. Your metabolism doesn't start to slow until you are in your 60s. It's lifestyle factors that cause this, like what you have noted about your DP.

Naunet
Such a good point. Sexual feelings are not intellectual or considered. They are raw primal feelings that are just there. You can't talk yourself out of them!

@TibetanTerrah

So in short if women get fat men are wrong to say it’s unattractive but if men get fat it’s different and ok for women to say it’s not attractive and get rid.

Women do something - fine and don’t dare say anything about it - men do same thing - eww. But it’s ok cause it’s “different”.
Seems like very convienent reasoning to hold men to a higher standard of both body and reaction to it while you just do whatever comes naturally and excuse it.

@Cozytoesandtoast00

And? So what? That’s no philosophy to live in a marriage or end one by. I’m sure many 60 year olds would still find the pin up or younger man more objectively attractive than their spouse but so what?

Fwiw I'd feel the same way. I'm not attracted to larger men, I'm just not. My partner is fit and toned. We've been together 15 years and he's gotten broader and I expect as we get older he'll put on a bit more, but I can't deny that if he put on a lot, I'd be turned off.

In the same way as if he stopped cutting his nails, or grew long hair I'd also be turned off.

I'd still love him but I'd not find him attractive and it would likely kill the relationship.

You can't help what you find attractive.

Would you consider doing couch to 5k together or something?

I don't think it usually works like that. I found 18 year olds attractive when I was 18, now I'm in my 30s they don't look attractive to me anymore.

*Most 60 year olds probably fancy people in their own age range. It's just how it works.

I think it's different if it's unavoidable (baldness, wrinkles, amputation, sagging boobs, grey hair, scars etc) rather than self induced (weight gain, introduction of nasty habits, shaving hair off, growing hair long, not cutting nails, not brushing teeth etc).

Maybe not in the end physical result, but in the feelings towards the change.