I’ve had a FWB situation for the past couple of years with someone I met through work. He’s a bit older than me, charming, fit, clever, funny, solvent and generous. He’s been very clear from the off that he’s not emotional, that he doesn’t want a serious relationship, and that he mainly wants me to meet his particular desires, which include some mild kink. He groomed me on this last bit quite heavily – it wasn’t on my radar before I met him, but I got into it quickly.
We’ve become good friends outside of the sexual bit, chat about everything and nothing all day, have great fun when we are together. Predictably, I’ve fallen for him and have told him so.
I remarked recently that it has felt a lot more mutual in every way and we seem a lot closer (he’s been asking for kisses and cuddles and being a lot more attentive, among other things) and I asked if anything has changed for him. He got very defensive and insisted, again, this is just for fun and he doesn’t love me. He will concede I mean ‘a great deal’ to him, but the relationship is all on his terms, essentially.
I know in my heart it’s not going anywhere, that you can’t teach a cat to bark, that I’m chasing crumbs, and he has everything he wants on a plate so doesn’t need to step up in any way. The most sensible thing for me to do is to obviously finish it, get my head straight (sort out my bloody low self-esteem, primarily) and move on to try and find something real with someone else who I can build an actual future with.
But I am head over heels and I’m not sure I can actually do it with any conviction. I know if I end it, I will miss him terribly, I probably won’t be able to resist replying to his messages, and the next time we’re at the same work social thing (especially with booze) it will be like magnets as usual.
Please help me work out how to either accept that this is what it is and enjoy the ride, on the assumption it will burn out eventually anyway, or to move on gently but effectively. Thank you for reading.