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Original poster

How do I accept or cut my losses on this FWB situation?

106 replies

NotPatricia · 21/07/2022 14:20

I’ve had a FWB situation for the past couple of years with someone I met through work. He’s a bit older than me, charming, fit, clever, funny, solvent and generous. He’s been very clear from the off that he’s not emotional, that he doesn’t want a serious relationship, and that he mainly wants me to meet his particular desires, which include some mild kink. He groomed me on this last bit quite heavily – it wasn’t on my radar before I met him, but I got into it quickly.

We’ve become good friends outside of the sexual bit, chat about everything and nothing all day, have great fun when we are together. Predictably, I’ve fallen for him and have told him so.

I remarked recently that it has felt a lot more mutual in every way and we seem a lot closer (he’s been asking for kisses and cuddles and being a lot more attentive, among other things) and I asked if anything has changed for him. He got very defensive and insisted, again, this is just for fun and he doesn’t love me. He will concede I mean ‘a great deal’ to him, but the relationship is all on his terms, essentially.

I know in my heart it’s not going anywhere, that you can’t teach a cat to bark, that I’m chasing crumbs, and he has everything he wants on a plate so doesn’t need to step up in any way. The most sensible thing for me to do is to obviously finish it, get my head straight (sort out my bloody low self-esteem, primarily) and move on to try and find something real with someone else who I can build an actual future with.

But I am head over heels and I’m not sure I can actually do it with any conviction. I know if I end it, I will miss him terribly, I probably won’t be able to resist replying to his messages, and the next time we’re at the same work social thing (especially with booze) it will be like magnets as usual.

Please help me work out how to either accept that this is what it is and enjoy the ride, on the assumption it will burn out eventually anyway, or to move on gently but effectively. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 21/07/2022 19:22

All the best op, and positivity

Staynow · 21/07/2022 19:33

I'd tell him you don't think it would be appropriate to carry on as you are now that you have developed feelings for him so you need to step away and hope that he will respect that you need space to move on. Then block and avoid him. The power balance is all off now that he knows you have feelings for him (if it wasn't already as you say it was all on his terms) and from his reaction it sounds like he doesn't like the fact that you have developed feelings - and rather than end it himself he may now see you as 'lesser' or 'weaker' because of it and treat you with disdain.

You have to ask yourself why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you. No one would rationally want that. The addictiveness and onesidedness of this means it can only ever be dysfunctional and unhealthy. This cannot be what you hope or want it to be which is really sad, but the sooner you put an end to it and give yourself time to grieve the sooner you can move on to a healthier place and someone who is emotionally available to you.

D0lphine · 21/07/2022 21:01

I don’t even know anymore if I like the kink or if I just want to please him.

Unless you're 100% certain that you enjoy it and it turns you on too, you're not that into it.

So stop doing it. It's making you not feel that great about yourself.

Sex and kink should be mutually enjoyable and make you feel fab.

Missisipihallelujah · 21/07/2022 21:38

I really don't think women are made for FWB and I say that as a woman. It's very hard to us to stay emotionally detached. I think men can compartmentalise their lives more.

Tickledtrout · 21/07/2022 22:07

You don't really owe him anything and you will find it a lot easier to move on of you have something to move on to. So find a new job and a new man. Or a couple of possible new men. Then end it with him.
And don't settle for this half baked kind of arrangement again

Original poster
NotPatricia · 21/07/2022 22:48

Hawkins001 · 21/07/2022 19:22

All the best op, and positivity

Thank you! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
NotPatricia · 21/07/2022 22:50

Staynow · 21/07/2022 19:33

I'd tell him you don't think it would be appropriate to carry on as you are now that you have developed feelings for him so you need to step away and hope that he will respect that you need space to move on. Then block and avoid him. The power balance is all off now that he knows you have feelings for him (if it wasn't already as you say it was all on his terms) and from his reaction it sounds like he doesn't like the fact that you have developed feelings - and rather than end it himself he may now see you as 'lesser' or 'weaker' because of it and treat you with disdain.

You have to ask yourself why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you. No one would rationally want that. The addictiveness and onesidedness of this means it can only ever be dysfunctional and unhealthy. This cannot be what you hope or want it to be which is really sad, but the sooner you put an end to it and give yourself time to grieve the sooner you can move on to a healthier place and someone who is emotionally available to you.

Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me? That hit hard. I don’t think I’ve ever been with someone who truly loves me so I don’t even know what that would look like. Thank you for such a thoughtful and kind response.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotPatricia · 21/07/2022 22:51

Missisipihallelujah · 21/07/2022 21:38

I really don't think women are made for FWB and I say that as a woman. It's very hard to us to stay emotionally detached. I think men can compartmentalise their lives more.

100 per cent this. He keeps telling me I am in a box. I thought it was a joke but perhaps it isn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotPatricia · 21/07/2022 22:53

D0lphine · 21/07/2022 21:01

I don’t even know anymore if I like the kink or if I just want to please him.

Unless you're 100% certain that you enjoy it and it turns you on too, you're not that into it.

So stop doing it. It's making you not feel that great about yourself.

Sex and kink should be mutually enjoyable and make you feel fab.

Yeah I am starting to feel a bit weird that I spend so much time facilitating this thing of his. I am turned on by him being so turned on but it could be anybody doing this, I don’t think it’s ever been about me.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 21/07/2022 23:05

100 per cent this. He keeps telling me I am in a box. I thought it was a joke but perhaps it isn’t.

Oh look that's him telling you where you are.

Fwb is great until it stops being fun. The minute you start second guessing yourself it probably needs to stop.

I feel for you op - it can creep up unawares. But now you know. Rip of the bandaid.

Original poster
NotPatricia · 21/07/2022 23:35

CandyLeBonBon · 21/07/2022 23:05

100 per cent this. He keeps telling me I am in a box. I thought it was a joke but perhaps it isn’t.

Oh look that's him telling you where you are.

Fwb is great until it stops being fun. The minute you start second guessing yourself it probably needs to stop.

I feel for you op - it can creep up unawares. But now you know. Rip of the bandaid.

Second guessing is exactly what it has become. I shouldn’t be twisting myself into pretzel shapes for affection and approval, should I? That’s not what a healthy relationship looks like. Thank you x

OP posts:
Redglitter · 21/07/2022 23:44

I've had a FWB for several years. It works so well for us BUT if he suddenly said he had feelings for me, that'd be it finished.

FWB only works if you're both in it for the same reason, if that changes for one of you then it isn't fair to continue.

It's not a set up that works for everyone, that's for sure

Missisipihallelujah · 21/07/2022 23:45

...and all the time you're analysing your agreement, because it's not a relationship, he will be getting on doing his own thing x is it worth it?

Monty27 · 21/07/2022 23:45

OP the longer you leave it the harder it will become.
No you can't accept it. That's never going to fulfill you. Take the weight be strong and love yourself for it, much more than you're loving yourself now for a start.
In your position I thought that when I broke up with him he would miss and really want me back. He said so and I believed him and went back and he immediately reverted to fwb status.
It's a distant memory now thank goodness. I can't say it was easy but feel proud. You know what you have to do.🌻💐

Suprima · 21/07/2022 23:49

He literally groomed you so he could get something that he’d otherwise have to pay for

think on that

don’t lower yourself any more. He keeps saying you mean a ‘great deal to him’ so you keep pissing on him/having anal sex/bdsm stuff/whatever- that’s literally your purpose to him

you’re insane or utterly pathetic to think anything about this situation being desirable

supercali77 · 22/07/2022 01:01

People often find a degree of respect for you when you tell them you have a line and stick to it. It doesn't mean they suddenly drop theirs and want a relationship but strong personal values and follow through on whats good for you is a winner. Both for how you see yourself and how other people consider you. I really would end this, it will hurt and you will miss it but the feeling when you get through it and know you had your own back is priceless.

sorcerersapprentice · 22/07/2022 07:03

You've been honest with him about your feelings, he's been honest in saying that he doesn't feel the same way, so it shouldn't be too much of a shock when you end it. Best way to get over one man is to find another, so start actively dating again.

Beercrispsandnuts · 22/07/2022 07:17

This is so difficult and I witnessed something very similar with a friend of mine and a woman he was seeing, she fullfilled a specific kink of his, he told my husband and the other guys, and was, well let’s just say she had a very high sex drive so he kept in, but even though she knew it and he was clear, it was like she was pretending it was a relationship when actually he didn’t even find her particularly attractive and she didn’t fit in with his friendship circle, it was just she was really up for it and then some. He did like her as a person but it was just sex.

he had to end it, mainly because it was unacceptable he was treating her this way and we could see how hurt she was going to be, he moved on very quickly with someone else and is completely loved up.

I felt so sorry for the woman, it was clear she was so in love with him and he was not remotely interested other than the sex she was offering up. Part of me does wonder if she was only behaving like this sexually to be with him. I can’t decide which was more at fault, she knew and she continued but he also knew she was in love and continued. Either way she got very hurt and he didn’t give a shit, and never gave it a second thought after it ended.

id say for your self esteem and dignity you should try to find it in you to walk away.

KittyCatsby · 22/07/2022 07:25

As harsh as it sounds , he has been scratching an itch with you , you have been providing a service . It has suited him . It had suited you as well up to now .
Things change , you can be the one to change it .
Ask yourself , would you miss / or want to do it with a new person ? If not , stop doing it .

Monty27 · 22/07/2022 07:26

Dump him stop torturing yourself. We'll hold you up. You.are.worth.more. and he's a using tramp.

Luckydip1 · 22/07/2022 07:34

If he is asking for kisses and cuddles and you get on really well then it has already evolved beyond FWB. I would see where it goes and you may find yourself in a relationship with him.

SortingItOut · 22/07/2022 07:52

I've just split from my partner, we started off as FWB but he wanted more so I agreed.
In fact we're not compatable in future plans and when we spoke he said a relationship which starts based on sex rarely works so we're over and I'm gutted.
Looking back we shouldn't have got in a relationship, we're both emotionally unavailable and saw the other person as safe and no need to discuss feelings which was another reason it's ended.

Please read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, you will learn so much about old relationships and this FWB.

Terrariatime · 22/07/2022 08:25

He sees you in a completely different light to 'wife material' because of the type of relationship you both established from the start.

Run far away before he meets someone that he falls for in that way and leaves you heartbroken. You need to take some control back and seek a proper relationship with someone who sees you for what you are (fabulous) and wants the same type of relationship you do.

This man is using you for his sexual fulfilment and that only. You deserve better, much better. Really focus on this predators motives and the way he's treating you. Once you see him in the cold light of day, you'll realise you not love him at all, you live the idea of being with someone as great as the persona he's projecting. He's a pig.

Missisipihallelujah · 22/07/2022 09:02

Beercrispsandnuts · 22/07/2022 07:17

This is so difficult and I witnessed something very similar with a friend of mine and a woman he was seeing, she fullfilled a specific kink of his, he told my husband and the other guys, and was, well let’s just say she had a very high sex drive so he kept in, but even though she knew it and he was clear, it was like she was pretending it was a relationship when actually he didn’t even find her particularly attractive and she didn’t fit in with his friendship circle, it was just she was really up for it and then some. He did like her as a person but it was just sex.

he had to end it, mainly because it was unacceptable he was treating her this way and we could see how hurt she was going to be, he moved on very quickly with someone else and is completely loved up.

I felt so sorry for the woman, it was clear she was so in love with him and he was not remotely interested other than the sex she was offering up. Part of me does wonder if she was only behaving like this sexually to be with him. I can’t decide which was more at fault, she knew and she continued but he also knew she was in love and continued. Either way she got very hurt and he didn’t give a shit, and never gave it a second thought after it ended.

id say for your self esteem and dignity you should try to find it in you to walk away.

How awful and telling his mates about it as well. At least he did the decent thing (in the end) in finishing with her.

Original poster
NotPatricia · 22/07/2022 09:09

Monty27 · 21/07/2022 23:45

OP the longer you leave it the harder it will become.
No you can't accept it. That's never going to fulfill you. Take the weight be strong and love yourself for it, much more than you're loving yourself now for a start.
In your position I thought that when I broke up with him he would miss and really want me back. He said so and I believed him and went back and he immediately reverted to fwb status.
It's a distant memory now thank goodness. I can't say it was easy but feel proud. You know what you have to do.🌻💐

Thank you. I think part of me is hoping that if I do end it he will realise his mistake, but it's not exactly a fairytale, is it? I am not showing self-care in this situation, that's for sure.

OP posts: