How do I accept or cut my losses on this FWB situation?

[NotPatricia]

I’ve had a FWB situation for the past couple of years with someone I met through work. He’s a bit older than me, charming, fit, clever, funny, solvent and generous. He’s been very clear from the off that he’s not emotional, that he doesn’t want a serious relationship, and that he mainly wants me to meet his particular desires, which include some mild kink. He groomed me on this last bit quite heavily – it wasn’t on my radar before I met him, but I got into it quickly.

We’ve become good friends outside of the sexual bit, chat about everything and nothing all day, have great fun when we are together. Predictably, I’ve fallen for him and have told him so.

I remarked recently that it has felt a lot more mutual in every way and we seem a lot closer (he’s been asking for kisses and cuddles and being a lot more attentive, among other things) and I asked if anything has changed for him. He got very defensive and insisted, again, this is just for fun and he doesn’t love me. He will concede I mean ‘a great deal’ to him, but the relationship is all on his terms, essentially.

I know in my heart it’s not going anywhere, that you can’t teach a cat to bark, that I’m chasing crumbs, and he has everything he wants on a plate so doesn’t need to step up in any way. The most sensible thing for me to do is to obviously finish it, get my head straight (sort out my bloody low self-esteem, primarily) and move on to try and find something real with someone else who I can build an actual future with.

But I am head over heels and I’m not sure I can actually do it with any conviction. I know if I end it, I will miss him terribly, I probably won’t be able to resist replying to his messages, and the next time we’re at the same work social thing (especially with booze) it will be like magnets as usual.

Please help me work out how to either accept that this is what it is and enjoy the ride, on the assumption it will burn out eventually anyway, or to move on gently but effectively. Thank you for reading.

Op, it doesn't matter he delivers kisses and cuddles and it seems like it is progressing toward a relationship. It is not, FWB do all that perfectly fine. He said it all clearly and his actions never showed you are in for a serious relationship. Agree with other responses you should start actively dating other men, focusing on your compatibility in all other areas not just sex. Once there is a normal guy in the picture you will gradually forget this one as a nightmare

You are doing well OP. Small steps lead to real changes.

I echo most on this thread that he groomed you and is using you. I hope therapy can elevate your self worth.

We can all definitely say he was the one at fault! I don't know why we say things like that?

I have an uncle who has honestly has an unmarried, childless mistress for about 30 or more years. I remember his sister calling her disrespectful names and saying things like that who does she think she is etc.
He never moved in with her- he has always lived with his wife and two kids. Everyone who knows him knows what's going on.

Now who is the one at fault? It's him. He gets his cake and eats it, while still living comfortably with his wife and now grown up kids.

Also, in my opinion everyone who knows him who has anything to do with him, who doesn't call him out, tell him end the affair or who ignores it and just acts like it's not happening and he's not an awful man are also at fault.

As for his mistress.. I don't know. She must love him. I feel sorry for her. She lives alone and has no children. He spends all his free time with her and it's obvious they sleep together. She hangs out with him and his friends. They go to every event together. He dances with her at weddings and not his wife.

The wife? I feel sorry for her too. She has public arguments with him when she's drunk about his long term affair and people just get uncomfortable and look the other way.

Who are the a**oles here? It's him and the people around him that pretend this is okay?

Funnily enough I read that brilliant book recently and it was spot on. He is Mr Unavailable. I wish I'd paid more attention in the beginning and really considered if that's what I want, need or deserve. He's always been very clear about his emotional unavailability, it was fine for a long time until I wanted more

I hope you also learnt from the book that you are also emotionally unavailable, you are also the problem as you picked him for a reason.
When I read the book I had a lightbulb moment that I was the issue and had deliberately picked emotionally unavailable men. I even know what type I am.

I'm pleased to see you've booked in some therapy as it was really helpful For me to address my own emotional unavailability.

Good luck with maintaining the no notifications this weekend.

You are doing great!!

If you can cut contact for long enough you can see it properly without the addiction part. A month should do it

I can totally relate to you, having a mother who has never said I love you.

Let me get this straight. You are focussing all your attention/thoughts/energy on a man who has made it clear many times you are not is life partner, and excluding all possibility of meeting someone who may be your life partner? So you're wasting time on a relationship and wasting potential years of your life which could be spent looking for or being with someone who puts you first and is committed to you?

You need to block him from all possible areas of your life and stop living a fairy tale where he changes his mind and realises you are the one for him. You are no more than a convenient shag (which is what a FWb is)

Intrigued what this kink is

I know this wasn’t trending and so no-one will see this but I did what I said, NC for 4 days, had the work lunch today and… it didn’t go as expected.

I said afterwards, very calmly after a lovely lunch, that I understood that he had no feelings for me and that was fine but it wasn’t working for me any more, and it was unfair of him to expect me to keep servicing his needs when he knows how I feel. I said we would have to keep it professional from now on.

He said (in summary): ‘I’m an idiot. I love you. I’m just no good at this. You’re right, I’m a coward. I’ve never felt like this about anyone else.’ And followed up after I left with messages saying that he loves me.

I don’t know what happens now but I wanted to thank you all for your support and advice. I don’t entirely trust this but it’s potentially a good step in the right direction.

It's been a couple of years , you are wasting your time . You could have been with someone who adores and loves you Don't settle for scraps of attention block him and don't look back. You deserve more.

Hmm see how it goes, I wouldn't trust someone who decides they love you only when you go to end it.

I know him very well. His default is ‘it’s just fun’ and he has always been very serious that he didn’t love me. We talked today about what love meant for him and he said he found the idea of being loved and admitting love terrifying. I honestly don’t think he would say it (he was quite emotional, again, unprecedented) if he didn’t mean it, albeit at the point where I was ending it.

Listen...with kindness, its not your job to help a partner love you or to do talk therapy around why they can't be a loving partner in the way you need. This is classic emotion unavailability. They suddenly feel overwhelmed with love once you pull the rug. I dont think its a lie its just how they are. They feel sincere. Give it another chance if you want but be prepared for him to back right off again if you return the feeling. If he does that then you know ita a lost cause

I think he's just reeling you in again. What's to stop him then changing his mind after your two week holiday (and you've indulged his kink again, I can't quite get over this bit where he basically groomed you into that) and then deciding yes he does have issues with love and he really can't give you what you want? I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him because it's all about him, not giving you what you need. You seem destined to please him- he wants you now, so he gets you, he wants this kink, you give it to him, he doesn't want emotion you go along with this for a long while.

In other words, I think you have to decide whether he's a real prize or not, not focus on whether you've 'won' anything!

Well OP that was an unexpected twist!!!

As I was reading your posts I was thinking that he does have feelings for you, but doesn't have the emotional capacity to admit it to himself or to you. So the fact that he opened up is a big surprise - but basically reinforces what I suspected!!

I don't think the fact he's suddenly let down his barriers is a red flag. Up until now he had no reason to do so - he was getting everything he wanted without having to be vulnerable. Faced with losing you, he had to risk it all and be more honest.

Could he be lying? Of course, but time will tell.

What is really important here is that you are clear about what a relationship looks like for you, and the direction that you want it to move in. He may well love you but if he's emotionally stunted he may not be able to give you what you need, regardless of his feelings. So keep that in mind - admitting to loving you is the first step but it's not enough on its own. Your relationship needs to move to more than kinky shags after a work lunch etc. He needs to woo you, and you need time together just hanging out and enjoying each other's company - like you had on your recent trip away. If he can't give that to you and it continues to be based entirely on sex then you'll need to gently disengage and walk away.

You can only see how it goes but just make sure you are being crystal clear about your needs and wants, and don't let him get away with slipping back into a FWB-type arrangement, albeit with declarations of love occasionally.

Fingers crossed for you!

If you want to take it forward, please get therapy for both of you. You can’t be the sole person to change deep set behavioural patterns, even if he wants to change them.

Have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

I'm not long out of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man which started as FWB.
Your needs will never be met, you'll rarely discuss feelings which sounds great at the start but after a while it's very wearing and draining.

I've learnt my lesson, if I have a relationship in the future I'm looking for someone emotionally available (not like my ex partner or ex husband). I've had therapy to be less emotionally unavailable and it was from that and me being able to state my needs better that led on to the split.

Good luck OP.
As you say, it's potentially a step in the right direction.
Why do some men make it so difficult!? Argh! Hopefully, he just needed a good talking to and you can both move on together from this.
Funny old game!

That seems very sudden OP
He has realised he loved you at the exact moment you were about to walk away.

That's not romantic. It's manipulative.

I would try and get away on holiday for a bit. Don't take your phone. Or block him while you're away.

See how much he 'loves' you when you stop servicing his kink.

Hmmmmm.

id be sceptical. He hadn’t behaved like a man in love, has he?

it is not your job to fix him or to fuck him. Keep seeing him if you want but bear that on mind.

The only way to move on from someone you're addicted to is by no contact. None.

Do not forget that you let him enjoy his kink. He will not want to lose that... it could be his motivator

@NotPatricia my advice is that you say to him ok you are going away with your children for 2 weeks lets take this time to work out what we both want from this relationship because if it is going to continue it has to be different from what it was before.

Tell him there should be no contact when this is happening because you both need time to think and you need to focus on your children. This one is huge - you dont contact him and if he contacts you its a huge red flag he doesnt respect your boundaries.

Then work out what you actually want if this is going to go further - what it looks like for you.

Thank you @SpidersAreShitheads - I appreciate all of this.

I also appreciate the cynical comments, and will very much keep in mind. Obviously will proceed with caution and with my eyes open. As others have said, he is clearly emotionally unavailable and I'm not sure how much will change, but I'll give it a go and if it doesn't work out after a few months, at least we tried.

I have already told him no contact while I'm away as we need to both have a think and work out what the next bit looks like for us both. I did also tell him I don't want to feel like I am just servicing his kink (which isn't all we do, anyway) so we shall see how much that comes up when I'm back.

But I do feel like I am going into this next phase in a stronger position, and I genuinely don't think he's lying. I think he's been trying to protect himself and being emotionally vulnerable and open was a huge step for him. This isn't necessarily the best basis for a relationship, of course, and maybe the timing, as I was quite prepared to walk away, is also a bit sus, so we shall see. Thank you all.