How do I accept or cut my losses on this FWB situation?

[NotPatricia]

I’ve had a FWB situation for the past couple of years with someone I met through work. He’s a bit older than me, charming, fit, clever, funny, solvent and generous. He’s been very clear from the off that he’s not emotional, that he doesn’t want a serious relationship, and that he mainly wants me to meet his particular desires, which include some mild kink. He groomed me on this last bit quite heavily – it wasn’t on my radar before I met him, but I got into it quickly.

We’ve become good friends outside of the sexual bit, chat about everything and nothing all day, have great fun when we are together. Predictably, I’ve fallen for him and have told him so.

I remarked recently that it has felt a lot more mutual in every way and we seem a lot closer (he’s been asking for kisses and cuddles and being a lot more attentive, among other things) and I asked if anything has changed for him. He got very defensive and insisted, again, this is just for fun and he doesn’t love me. He will concede I mean ‘a great deal’ to him, but the relationship is all on his terms, essentially.

I know in my heart it’s not going anywhere, that you can’t teach a cat to bark, that I’m chasing crumbs, and he has everything he wants on a plate so doesn’t need to step up in any way. The most sensible thing for me to do is to obviously finish it, get my head straight (sort out my bloody low self-esteem, primarily) and move on to try and find something real with someone else who I can build an actual future with.

But I am head over heels and I’m not sure I can actually do it with any conviction. I know if I end it, I will miss him terribly, I probably won’t be able to resist replying to his messages, and the next time we’re at the same work social thing (especially with booze) it will be like magnets as usual.

Please help me work out how to either accept that this is what it is and enjoy the ride, on the assumption it will burn out eventually anyway, or to move on gently but effectively. Thank you for reading.

This was hard to read but I know it's completely true. I am being pathetic (and possibly insane) and I know he's using me to meet his needs and giving the minimum back.

Oh god this is all so true. It's making me feel quite grubby thinking that I have been 'providing a free service' rather than being in a mutual relationship.

@Beercrispsandnuts That's really sad about your friend's FWB. Telling his friends is ugh. I know he likes me as a human being, and he tells me the whole time he fancies me and how sexy and hot I look, so I don't think things are quite that bad, but the fundamental imbalance of emotional input is becoming quite clear and uncomfortable, reading all these responses.

..and if you're feeling like that, now is the time to end it. Also, imagine how you would feel if he dumps you, say he meets somebody else. Isn't it better to take back control now, before that happens?

Thank you for holding me up! I needed to hear all this and I am very grateful for so many supportive, understanding and thoughtful replies. I was anxious about posting as it's clearly a pathetic situation to be in but I will keep re-reading everyone's wisdom!

Good replies already received. I can be quite blunt, but I'll keep it kind. Your op creeped me out. Get some self respect.

Like I said upthread OP you know what you have to do and learn to love yourself again. You really don't need to feel this grubby. Have a metaphorical hot cleansing shower. 💐

This is what's keeping me in this situation - it doesn't seem to quite add up lately that this is purely FWB for him as well. We had a few days away recently and it was such a bubble of 'normal' - walking, sunbathing, eating lovely food, great chats, lots of fun, zero kink, holding hands, lots of kisses and cuddles, just waking up together and having another lovely day hanging out. It's become very confusing. This was why I asked if something had changed for him and when he reiterated his line that this was just for fun and he wasn't going to profess undying love because it wasn't true and that wouldn't be fair.

That is both blunt and kind, which is exactly what I was hoping for here. Thank you!

I remember feeling like shit the morning after I had allowed blokes to use me. None of them wanted a relationship and I had just been giving them services which they would have had to pay for. I look back now and realise not one of them was worthy of me. I had lost any self respect. I had lost my husband in 2012 and in the years that followed, I was using my loss to find something that was never going to happen, to feel wanted again. Maybe its the same with you, that something has made you devalue yourself ? X

Funnily enough I read that brilliant book recently and it was spot on. He is Mr Unavailable. I wish I'd paid more attention in the beginning and really considered if that's what I want, need or deserve. He's always been very clear about his emotional unavailability, it was fine for a long time until I wanted more.

I dont think it is a FWB situation for him because it is clear he has put a lot of time and effort to groom you into exactly where he wants you to be - there whenever he needs you. He gives you just enough to keep you hanging on but puts you into your place as you say in the box if you stray outside of that

A relationship would never work anyway OP because the power inbalance is such it would not be right for you

I’d frame it in my head as I’d had a good time with a nice bloke, enjoyed the frisson, and tried some stuff that was new to me - and now he and it doesn’t bring me joy so Marie Kondo he goes.

If you don’t feel like a victim, like you have been mistreated, then just politely dump and block. There is nothing wrong with realising that your FWB is a bit of an arsehole, they often are, otherwise they’d be holding down a relationship, wouldn’t they?

“I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me. I won’t be seeing you outside of work again”. No explanation, justification or “one for the road”shag. His ego will hate that, and that will serve him right.

@Quartz2208 "I dont think it is a FWB situation for him because it is clear he has put a lot of time and effort to groom you into exactly where he wants you to be - there whenever he needs you. He gives you just enough to keep you hanging on but puts you into your place as you say in the box if you stray outside of that"

When you put it like that it's even worse than FWB, isn't it?!

Or you can waste the next however many years trying to teach a cat to bark.

@stealtheatingtunnocks "I’d frame it in my head as I’d had a good time with a nice bloke, enjoyed the frisson, and tried some stuff that was new to me - and now he and it doesn’t bring me joy so Marie Kondo he goes... “I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me. I won’t be seeing you outside of work again”. No explanation, justification or “one for the road”shag. His ego will hate that, and that will serve him right."

'Marie Kondo he goes' is brilliant :-) He would HATE that so much. He so used to be being articulate about my feelings, it gives him something to bat against.

@Missisipihallelujah I think I've always felt unloveable - without going full-on therapy session, it does stem from parents and then marriage. I guess this situation just reinforces that view I have of myself, that this is as much as I am worth. Much work to do on myself, which I can probably only do if I say goodbye to him.

Yeah it's quite exhausting, pointless and ridiculous...

You need to finish it because here's the thing. You think if you finish it you could lost him, but if that's the case you've already lost him but you're also losing dignity.

If you finish it and he goes, he never wanted to be with you, you've lost nothing but regained dignity.

If you finish it and he begs to stay, you've won him there and then.

What you do is tell him you feel more than he does and that's okay but you're finishing it. Then go no contact for three days. Third day respond to whatever he's said to you.

This is the formula for moving your relationship on to the next level; be that being with him, or being alone to find the person you can be with properly.

Start actively dating again. Tell him you are looking for a relationship and this isnt going to lead to that so best to leave things as they are. Text/call him TODAY and end this. At the very least you will respect yourself more and he should too.

In my experience men who sleep with you and don't want a relationship with you never ever will so its a total waste of time. As others have said once he finds someone he DOES want a relationship with, you will be dropped like a hot potato. Save yourself now! It was all fun but now it's not and it won't be.

Op - you are walking the walk in replying to posts , agreeing that we are making valid points.
But when are you going to talk the talk and actually do something about it ?

I have taken one tiny step today and removed notifications from the messaging app we use and hidden it. I won't check or respond to anything between now and Tuesday, when we have a work lunch with other people. We usually go off afterwards on these occasions somewhere else by ourselves, and I will use that time (in a public place) to tell him face to face exactly what you said, @ihavenocats - that I feel more than he does, that's OK, but it's not working for me anymore and we will be keeping things strictly professional from now on. I'm on holiday with my kids for two weeks immediately after that, so a perfect time to go NC and respond to anything (if he messages/if I want to) after that. One step at a time.

Meanwhile I have also booked an appointment with a therapist/relationship coach, because I need to unpick how I've got into this situation and how I treat myself with more respect in future.

Yes!! That's perfect.

You're not alone in getting into situations like this. What you need to remember are two very important things that will keep you always focused on maintaining self-respect.

Firstly men always make their feelings clear. not necessarily by their words, but by their actions. Always listen to them. If he's not pinned you down for a relationship it's because he doesn't want one with you. It's as simple as that. Now if you break it off, politely, not bitterly, and just in a way that says you have self worth, then he will respond by either pinning you down there and then, or walking away.

Secondly, always meet their energy. Never go over nor below what they give you. Meet them exactly where they are and if they are in casual and you want more then you simply say that and walk away.

It all ties in, but you're definitely on the right track.

This could still go tits up though, so remember when you break things off:

Be calm, nice, not sarcastic, not bitchy, just a very simple 'things are ending, here's why, I'm off to potentially find someone to be with now, we remain friends. No hard feelings'

DO not under any circumstances try to predict or be invested in his reaction. His reaction doesn't matter. You're simply delivering news.

You really sound like you’ve got your head screwed on deep down. Focus on that. You’re putting yourself down, but look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve better, you’re a decent, intelligent person. Your plan sounds a good one. It probably won’t be easy. He might try to persuade you to continue as you are, you’ve been very compliant and obedient for him, he’ll miss you. He might throw a few crumbs of hope in, but I bet he won’t say he loves you or wants something more serious straight out. You’re going to have to be strong.

That’s not a tiny step, that’s a series of giant strides!

good for you