Just read an OP I made 2 years ago

[justwantobehappy30]

this one
sorry I am posting here for traffic as I am desperate.

I still feel exactly the same. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have had another DC since that post. I can’t believe this has gone on another 2 years. Life is passing me by. To others I probably seem to have this blessed life but inside I am carrying this deep unhappiness every single day.

I just needed to write if down here as I can’t tell anyone irl and I feel so alone. My dp and dc are all upstairs fast asleep and I am on the sofa in tears. They have no idea.
Tomorrow I will have to get up and go on with the pretence of my life and honestly I just don’t know how much longer I can do it for.

is anyone awake?

I'd say get yourself to the GP and a good therapist. You sound a bit depressed from your post.

This is more than that. I have had countless therapists.

Do you mean you still feel the same way about your ex?

I’m here op. What would need to change for you to feel differently? What does your life look like where you feel fullfilled?

I've just read your previous thread, are you still seeing the therapist?

If not I would suggest returning and going over the things you'd already discussed to see why they're still on your mind and help you to overcome that traumatic period and help you to truly enjoy your present.

I wish you all the happiness.

@Lovelystuff yes. Nothing has changed (in my head) since that post.
@Strawberries86 i honestly don’t know where to start. I just want to go back in time. I wish I was somebody different as I despise myself. Both of which are impossible.

I’ve just enrolled to start therapy. I can’t afford private which I think is what I really need. (somebody really specialist and long term, rather than the usual 6 sessions and done).

so it’s not an achievable goal that would make you feel better? It’s nothing that is within your gift to make happen, however wild it might be.

That does suggest you need to change your thinking and your right to seek therapy for this but is it the right kind? And is there a trauma or incident that’s not related but is indirectly impacting you, maybe stopping you from moving on?

I’ve been through this and 10 years later, I’m still looking him up on social media.

The pain was intense and heart breaking, I used to find it hard to breath and I didn’t think there was a way out from it all.

I think what helped me finally (after 3 years) was accepting my feelings. I think I’ll always think of him in some way. But who cares? No one knows, least of all him.

That acceptance allowed me to compartmentalise the pain and move on in other parts of my life.

How did you end things with him?

I’m sorry you feel this way, it sounds debilitating.

Why do you think you are still so hung up on him? Do you feel he’s the “one that got away”?
Whats your history with him? How long were you dating?

Sorry. But yabu. Time to grow up
You only have one life. Dont waist it.

As it’s an anonymous forum op, would it help by writing it all out? Freedom to tell your story. How you met, what your relationship was like, how you felt, how it ended and the subsequent aftermath.

It maybe cathartic to let it all out without real life consequences.

We were together 8 years. He was my best friend.
I know this all sounds very pathetic it but it’s true.
I miss him so much sometimes it still takes my breathe away. And this is so wrong when I now have a new dp and family of my own.

The breakup was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. I had a complete mental breakdown and I know this is the reason I have never recovered. The hardest but a not being able to speak to anyone about it. It’s exhausting trying to keep this inside all the time. I feel pathetic and worthless.
Thank you for listening to me as I know it is crazy.

@Chillow sorry you have been through this too but glad to know I’m not alone.

If your comfortable sharing- why did you break up? Was it a mutual decision? Was it out of the blue?

Yes it was out of the blue. He broke up with me by text. We argued a lot and could have treated each other better. There is a lot I regret. But I know I’ll never love anyone like that again. I can’t let myself after what it has done to me.
I feel so angry this is still affecting me and I just want to stop. But maybe I don’t want to let go in some way as that will be fully letting go of him if that makes sense? I don’t know how to do that.

Thanks, and you’re definitely not alone. I know when I was going through it and reading advice that time will help etc, I used to despair because I knew it wouldn’t.

What has helped is that over time I’ve realised why we weren’t right for each other. Can you tell us his good bits and bad bits? If you don’t want to share that her, make a list for yourself.

I think we also try to convince ourselves that we can’t fully let go because admitting that you weren’t right for each other means all those years, all those emotions, all those tears were all wasted, almost like the sunk costs fallacy.

Yes that’s exactly it. Such a relief to hear from someone who understands. I have always felt the same when people told me time would heal. I knew that it wouldn’t even back then.
Just realised it’s been 9 years.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I wonder if a course of CBT based on helping you deal with intrusive thoughts might help?

Because you’re missing your life.

OP, please please please speak to a therapist or Samaritan's if you're feeling suicidal. Sounds like you're suffering from a broken heart and need to still grieve the loss. Perhaps you could research how to do that while you wait for therapy? Perhaps a journal to write down your feelings if you can't talk to anyone and maybe limit the about of time you spend thinking about this to an hour a day? Having young kids is exhausting and can heightening any feelings you're having, but this will pass and you will be happy again you just need to find the way

@ShirleyJackson I know I am. I hate it and I feel so guilty for my gorgeous children. I should feel lucky. It is robbing me of all joy.
I do feel suicidal but I would never ever leave them. But I am terrified of ruining their lives.

I had support for a little while when I had my breakdown but then people got tired. I was living back home and my dad would shout at me for making my mum ill. I used to check into random hotels just to escape. I have never felt so alone. On one occasion I was crying on the floor and my brother kicked me in the stomach saying I was ruining the family.
I was so so poorly and nobody would help. This has added to my trauma. Now it’s like none of that ever happened to everyone else but I carry it all inside of me. My dp doesn’t know about those things and I could never tell him.

I’m sorry your family treated you so badly. It sounds as if you have a fair bit of trauma to deal with from that time.

I hope you manage to find a good therapist. I suspect there’s more to unpick here than the breakup.

Op, you say you have had countless therapists. But also there’s no one to talk to about this.

Did you truly engage and talk to these therapists about this?

I think therapy can be great. For some people. For some people it just makes them focus more on the problem but not focused on improving. Their entire lives become wrapped up in talk to more and more therapists about one subject but not actually resolving anything.

CBT or looking for an underlying cause maybe be better than focussing on the break up itself.

i am sorry your family weren’t helpful and your brother should never have kicked you. You may need to explore that. I am sure (wrongly or rightly) they have a different version of events. But dealing with that part may help you.

He kicked me repeatedly in the stomach and had to be dragged away. I’m not sure there could be another version.

And I just meant talk to people who know me, rather than pretending.

I tried CBT but it didn’t work for me. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. A poster on my previous thread suggested it may be a form of OCD. Maybe I need to explore that but I don’t know where to start.