Just read an OP I made 2 years ago

[justwantobehappy30]

this one
sorry I am posting here for traffic as I am desperate.

I still feel exactly the same. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have had another DC since that post. I can’t believe this has gone on another 2 years. Life is passing me by. To others I probably seem to have this blessed life but inside I am carrying this deep unhappiness every single day.

I just needed to write if down here as I can’t tell anyone irl and I feel so alone. My dp and dc are all upstairs fast asleep and I am on the sofa in tears. They have no idea.
Tomorrow I will have to get up and go on with the pretence of my life and honestly I just don’t know how much longer I can do it for.

Maybe she does want him. As a pp said, OP is fixated on another man, she is fixated on a trauma.

*isn’t fixated

Thank you @BetsyBigNose I will look that up.

I'm sorry that is utterly despicable. Your poor partner, don't you care at all that he's wasting his life with someone who doesn't love him?

I do love him. I never said I didn’t.
I’m in a horrible state of mind and have come here for help. Not to be berated.

@MolliciousIntent you’re not helping and you have no idea what you’re talking about. And plenty of people marry to have a family.

You might be better off asking for this thread to be moved to Relationships, OP.

Lots of people do want to help.

I think you're in love with the passionate feelings.

Those feelings are well clouded and romanticised in your mind.

It obviously wasn't great or on a deep friendship level when you argued a lot.

He couldn't break up face to face.

One thing that is true, your current partner is a bad fit.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. There have been lots of recommendations made by posters and it might all feel a bit overwhelming. As someone working in the mental health field, can I let you know that Rewind therapy is not recommended in the NICE guidelines due to the lack of evidence base, so I don't suggest you go down that route. Also I don't think that you need a psychiatrist. It does sound like you have located all your distress in this break up but that there are lots of other factors at play here. I would recommend EMDR therapy in your circumstances, which would help you process this and other historical traumas. Good luck.

Thank you Chillow @mnhq please could you move this to relationships? We’re not married. I know MNers hate that but I don’t need to hear the third degree about that either.

I don’t trust my feelings any more. I have been so all over the place for so long I don’t know which feelings / thoughts are real if that makes sense. I made an attempt on my life 9 years ago. It didn’t work. Then I just resigned myself to being unhappy for the rest of my life. Felt guilt for what I had out my family through and felt I owed it to them to see me ‘better’. I often think I made the wrong choice with this and shouldn’t have carried on with life. Trust me when I say I would feel like this no matter who I was with. It is so deeply ingrained in me, that is the only way I can explain it.
I know this is messed up. That is why I am here.

@cardboardbox24 I appreciate your input thank you. I started EMDR some time ago, but couldn’t afford to continue the sessions.

Is it as simple as asking my go to refer to a psychiatrist? I will do this tomorrow if so. I know I need urgent help in any case.

I have no idea whether you need treatment from a psychiatrist or some mental health therapist, but I would urge to explain what is happening to your GP and ask for an urgent referral. Because you cannot go on like this. For one thing, how would you manage if your partner were to leave you - it doesn't look to me that you are in any fit state to work and bring up 2 very small children on your own.

In the meantime, maybe these highly regarded books might provide some insight:

www.waterstones.com/book/attached/amir-levine/rachel-heller/9781529032178

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3551-toxic-parents-overcoming-their-hurtful-legacy-and-reclaiming-your-life

Sorry just realised you said you don’t think I need a psychiatrist. Can I ask why you think this? I have often thought there is something underlying that is wrong with me.
A previous therapist I had through work discharged me after the second session because it made me worse and then I be and beyond the remit of what they could work with. That was awful and I felt so let down.
I have not had great experiences with therapists/medication which has left me disheartened about the whole thing. So I push it back down and carry on. I don’t know why it is hitting me particularly hard again now.

Thank you @FlowerArranger

somebody really specialist and long term, rather than the usual 6 sessions and done

You can get 20 sessions with a psychologist on the NHS if you're referred for the right thing. Tell them that the brief therapy hasn't worked.

I had EMDR therapy (some of it on the NHS) which is great for traumatic experiences.

@justwantobehappy30 I am sorry that you are struggling so much.
You mentioned that you've tried lots of different therapy, but only 'the usual six sessions' which I presume is what the nhs are offering you.
With issues this deep long term therapy would as you know be better.
Low cost long term therapy is fairly widely available- look up that term and your neighbourhood in Google and see what comes up. There are community services and also some therapy training. Colleges have therapy services. Some have a one year limit, others are open ended.
The therapists are still in training, but if they are studying to be a psychotherapist they will be a lot more experienced and more training than many private or nhs counsellors. Many nhs services are also provided by therapists in training.
If you are in west london let me know, I can tell you about numerous centres. Otherwise Google is your friend.
Yes, try a psychiatrist referral too, but it's a bit of a postcode lottery whether your local secondary care team will be able to give you the help and support you deserve. I don't want to put you off, so try and push for it, but am managing expectations I suppose.
Take care of yourself

Sorry just realised you said you don’t think I need a psychiatrist. Can I ask why you think this? I have often thought there is something underlying that is wrong with me.

I think it can't hurt to get some input from a consultant. They can also suggest/refer you to the best type of therapy for you.

I have not had great experiences with therapists/medication which has left me disheartened about the whole thing.

Keep trying different things, including meds. Eventually you'll hit on something that has the best outcome for you.

And listen to this from BBC radio 4 yesterday and see if it resonates re PMS/PMD

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0019b8y

I think this is very complex trauma and that's why it seems to not be getting 'easier'. I think you need to talk about everything- upbringing
, relationships with family, life after that, then what was happening when you met ex, what went on during, what happened when breakup occurred, life after that, how people reacted, how you felt..
And talk it all to death and talk about other relationships and attachments to family, friends, previous partners and talk about the ex and relationship to death. I think it's probably complex and complicated, that's why you can't just snap out of it as they say..

Name changed for this but op I know exactly how you feel my now husband I felt like this every time we spilt up over the 15 years , I have never been more depressed in my life I spent a year crying once until we got back together we had a child and eventually broke up again ..... he would t come back so I moved on realised I was happier dating and finding myself it got better because I made a life for myself that I loved without him, I saw his flaws clear as day he wasn't perfect and he wasn't the only person who would make me feel good about myself but then I realised I didn't need someone else to make me feel that way until I found myself I couldn't get over any of it, I finally got back with him but that's another story I sometimes think it would of been easier on me staying apart as I'd grown as a person so much and he hadn't although he has in the past few month changed for the better . Op please stay strong you have your beautiful children please try counselling or come on here to chat about it he's just a man he's not Prince Charming and he's not perfect think of his bad points , how do you feel in yourself apart from this ? I also used to suffer from my hormones but they settled after my two kids , there's a form of extreme pms which you may have aswell I used to get it around 4 times a year and it was horrific .

Are you on any medication? You need to make an appointment ASAP with your gp and tell them how low your mood is and about the thoughts you are having

ultimately you are a mother and you need to put your children’s welfare first as your state of mind will be having an adverse impact upon them. Not to mention your husband.

Nothing will change if you don’t seek help

a breakdown would not last for eight years so I think there is something else lurking in the background

also there are online resources available for those struggling with MH issues. You could Google ‘mind’ for example and see what’s available and also they might have things in your area

Hi OP,
In response to your question, I perhaps should have said I don't think you need a psychiatrist more than you need a very good psychologist. It's really clear from the additional information that you've provided that what you are going through is not specifically to do with this man. It is more generally to do with how you experience relationships and the world around you, based on your early life experiences. There are lots of options for therapy and counselling out there but I don't think you need a counsellor, you need a psychologist experienced in trauma focused therapies such as EMDR. It might be helpful if you list your experiences of therapy here. Sometimes it can feel like you've tried everything and nothing has worked, but when you actually write it out you can see that what you have been offered hasn't met your needs.

PMDD sounds plausible. And I didn’t realise that about 12 weeks . I have a callback tomorrow following an assessment so I will see what therapy they are offering me and be firm.
my overriding fear is negatively affecting my children. I don’t want them to be like me.

Thank you for replying cardbox that makes sense.

sorry to those that have gone through something similar.

My heart goes out to you . I think you should talk to your GP . Are you on antidepressants ? If not I think maybe you should, as I had a friend that had a bad marriage break up and honestly became a much happier person once she went on the right medication. Sometimes when we're depressed problems seems impossible because our negative thoughts takes over . I really wish you the very best xxx

I have no real advice but it sounds really hard. I hope you find peace x