Just read an OP I made 2 years ago

[justwantobehappy30]

this one
sorry I am posting here for traffic as I am desperate.

I still feel exactly the same. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have had another DC since that post. I can’t believe this has gone on another 2 years. Life is passing me by. To others I probably seem to have this blessed life but inside I am carrying this deep unhappiness every single day.

I just needed to write if down here as I can’t tell anyone irl and I feel so alone. My dp and dc are all upstairs fast asleep and I am on the sofa in tears. They have no idea.
Tomorrow I will have to get up and go on with the pretence of my life and honestly I just don’t know how much longer I can do it for.

I read the posts I made 5-6 years ago about my "partner" not wanting to commit, move in together, never said I love you etc. And absolutely nothing has changed since then. I just find myself getting more and more heartbroken and lost each year and if it weren't for what he put me through I wouldn't have been in hospital for attempting to take my life. Yet I still have the heart to call him my partner and for some reason I can't leave, it's a mental block

When you feel such a powerful tie to someone, it can be a spiritual tie (you were partners in the last life time of reincarnation). I suggest closing your eyes, and imagining a red thread around your wrist going to his. Cut it with a pair of scissors and say, I no longer want to be tied to you. It really works.

This is Trauma Bonding imho.
The see-saw of dramatic passionate ups and downs. Rejection/ making up.
It becomes addictive.
Not a coincidence that op describes frequent arguments.
It sounds like you are craving this and so your current relationship appears boring Op.

Have you tried EMDR therapy?

It's for people who have suffered trauma.

I mean, you've nothing to lose.

You need to reword your brain to move forward, would you consider EFT tapping therapy? You have to be committed and consistent with it. Look up EFT tapping relationship breakup on you tube and give it a go.

You seem to be bonded to this trauma and you need to let go - your life isn't just about you anymore.

*Rewire not reword!

@justwantobehappy30 - I just wanted to add that the 'Trauma Rewind' the Therapist did for my daughter worked in just one session, which cost £60, and we live in a big city (not London, just to give an idea of relative cost), since you mention that cost is a barrier for you (it was for us too, but we were committed to getting our DD better, so had scrimped and saved enough for a few months of sessions, but were very lucky to only need to pay for one in the end).

I had the same therapy with the same Therapist, after my DD had so much success. I was suffering from horrible panic attacks when driving, after a particularly traumatic event and am now able to breeze along motorways again, for the first time in nearly 10 years!

I really do hope you manage to find something that will make you feel better, very soon,

@Snoredoeurve I think you may be right. I have looked into trauma bonds before. The fights sometimes turned physical so I don’t understand why I feel like this about him.

Thanks all for the recent replies. I am reading them (and shedding a tear).

I just feel like he is living this charmed life (I know I know, social media isn’t real etc etc ....but honestly he really is), and I have had 9 years of struggle. I honestly have not been the same person since that moment. I struggle to make friends because I can just hear ‘you’re such a loser’ going round my head.

The past few days have been really hard. I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. When I say it is constant I mean it is constant. I don’t feel present for my children and that is the part I hate the most. I just hate myself.

You're not a loser. Nobody is a loser. Some of us are going through very difficult times.

Social media is never a true reflection. People only post the polished up version of the situation.

Your self worth shouldn't come from this man. Maybe some things suggested below might help hopefully

You're not alone. So many people are struggling with their mental health and unhappiness, for various reasons.

You have a family, you have people to live for.

I promise you, you won't feel like this forever. In the meantime, the answer to so many things is communication. Tell your partner you need a cuddle. Tell him you're feeling very low about yourself, see if you can both reorganise expenditure to make enough spare for private therapy.

Get on anti depression meds. Reach out to someone you know, visit your local church and ask for company. Ask for someone to talk to.

It's ok to be vulnerable. It's ok to admit that you're feeling very low again. It's ok to be real. Please have faith that things will get better in time. I'll be thinking of you xx