Just read an OP I made 2 years ago

[justwantobehappy30]

this one
sorry I am posting here for traffic as I am desperate.

I still feel exactly the same. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have had another DC since that post. I can’t believe this has gone on another 2 years. Life is passing me by. To others I probably seem to have this blessed life but inside I am carrying this deep unhappiness every single day.

I just needed to write if down here as I can’t tell anyone irl and I feel so alone. My dp and dc are all upstairs fast asleep and I am on the sofa in tears. They have no idea.
Tomorrow I will have to get up and go on with the pretence of my life and honestly I just don’t know how much longer I can do it for.

I didn’t mean that particular incident. And yes, even abusers can have a completely different version.

but I was more talking about your dad saying you were impacting your mum. They may feel (again rightly or wrongly) that you were so bad at the time it really did impact everyone. Not everyone is able to care for someone, well, who is having a mental health crisis.

What do you think that talking to someone you know will achieve that therapy hasn’t? I am not asking that to be snarky. But there a possibility you are putting that in your own way. ‘If only I could talk to someone who knows me I would move past it.’ But deep down you know you can’t and know you wouldn’t move past it. So you say that’s what you think would help, because you know it won’t happen (I have been there) so that’s the reason you can heal.

I think exploring OCD or something else is a good shout. My mums depression and anxiety diagnosis was incorrect. It was actually ocd that made her depressed and anxious. Once she had that disagnosis, medication and therapy was much more effective. When she was being treated for anxiety and depression, they were only treating the symptoms. Not the issue.

what happened when you investigated OCD? What did you doctor say?

Why do you not feel you can talk to your current DP? If you want to talk to someone who knows you surely they fit the bill?

I think the fact he ended things over text meant you never had real closure.
Perhaps because your family as so cold and even abusive, he became an escape to you- a knight in shining amour at the time.
I think it’s easy to have your rose tinted glasses on as you don’t see him everyday it’s easy to imagine he’s perfect in your fantasy.
I think you need to remind yourself of all the negative things too.
He seems to have you frozen in time- but it’s probably not about him as person-but more of an era or escapism he represents to you.

I'm sorry you're suffering still, but honestly, what on earth possessed you to start a serious relationship and have children with a new man if you're still so obsessed with your ex? What was your mindset, what was the thought process? Would examining that help you unravel why you still can't let go of this other chap?

You really need to take advantage of counselling. Sounds like you are simply not engaging and working to sort out this ridiculous situation. It's crazy to feel like this. Talk to your partner If it puts him off you and he leaves so be it but you must be hell to live with anyway so disengaged from reality and your family

You need to persevere with therapy. While this is ostensibly about an ex DP, the root of your problem is much earlier in your life, and relates to parental attachment, (or lack thereof) fear of abandonment, etc. A good therapist will figure this out and have you focusing on your early life experience, not your ex. CBT is probably not suitable, you will need a more traditional approach (Freudian or similar) You sometimes need to try a few therapists.
In the meantime, do some reading. There is a lot available in self-help literature and it may give you some insight that can ease some of your distress. Good luck!

Have you seen a psychiatrist OP? Have you been diagnosed with attachment disorder??? I only ask this as a therapist (although brilliant) cannot manage and diagnose in the way a psychiatrist can. I don't work in this field but went through a period of very severe clinical depression after a relationship breakdown and subsequent pregnancy loss. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful but just thought I would.mention it as the treatment I had made me recover . I genuinely believe the psychiatrist saved my life. The treatment also equipped me to deal with another very difficult situation a few years later.

Op, I have read your posts with sympathy but also frustration.

my dad was married before he met my mum, his wife cheated on him with his friend (awful) and he clearly never got over it. He was (and is still) very angry and bitter and in love with his ex. It didn’t ‘ruin’ my childhood but I was always aware that had things gone the way he wanted, he would still be with her and not in the family with us. I used to catch him reading old letters from her etc, he used to get very emotional about it when drunk.

with the best will in the world; you’re a grown woman with 2 children now. You can afford to spend your life hankering after an ex that by all accounts doesn’t sound like a very nice person.

i don’t often see ‘snap out of it’ as a helpful response but here, I think it’s warranted. Do what you need to do - would meeting up with him help? My friend was very hung up on her ex from years ago, finally plucked up the courage to meet him for coffee and POOF, she remembered why he was actually an annoying waste of space and her feeling for him evaporated.

I was about to post the exact same thing @belle40

OP I think you need to see a psychiatrist. I work in the area of mental health.

I have a different perspective on this OP. I think some people just love differently to others. You are someone who loves people for ever. Presumably you love your husband also. So you are also someone who can love more than one person at the same time. The people saying why on earth would you get married if you're still in love with someone else, well, if you can love more than one person at a time, it's because you ALSO love your husband.

What helps is accepting these facts about yourself. Sit with the love that you have for this man and try to seperate out how you feel about him with whether you actually want to be in a relationship with him. For example - would you actually want to leave your family and be with him instead? Would you want to spend everyday with someone who treated you so badly he ended it via text after years? Could you live with the worry he'll just do it again? I think it's very possible for the answer to be 'no', without undermining your love for him.

You want to reach the point where the love you have for this man is a positive in your life. Where you can think about him and go great, someone I love very much is out there in the world doing their thing, good for them, rather than be sad because you want to be with them.

Put differently: just because you love someone does not mean that they are yours by right. So it's fine to love him, even if there is no prospect of a relationship. And it's fine to love someone you are not in a relationship with, even if you are in a relationship with someone else.

This is so much more than your old relationship.

It sounds like there is a whole backstory with your family. Were they like this before your relationship? Was your ex-partner a way of escaping from your family?

Then there was the breakup. But it also sounds like you're grieving the life you had as a result of the relationship (away from your family etc).

You say you can't talk to your DP about your feelings? So your DP doesn't know that your DB assaulted you? Are you still in contact with your family?

You need to talk to your partner about what you went through. He doesn't necessarily need to know that you miss your ex. But he can know that you miss that time in your life and the aftermath with your family. Which is what sounds like the real problem.

But I know I’ll never love anyone like that again. I can’t let myself after what it has done to me.

Maybe this is all a protection strategy. You can’t let yourself love someone like you did ex because you might come to harm, so it’s safer to keep loving him - as it’s over and in the past - than transferring your love to the new man.

Sorry this is still happening. You don't need a psychiatrist, you need trauma therapy with a clinical psychologist (such as EMDR or compassion focused therapy for trauma). This can be accessed through the NHS. But, unless you qualify for secondary care (criteria around risk and serious MH difficulties) unfortunately this is only available privately.

I know you think it's "him " but it's not him. You are stuck in a what was a traumatic event for you. Try and reframe as a recovery from a trauma/loss rather than a "mythical golden individual "

Have you been referred to a Psychiatrist?

Just was reading on the old thread that you didn't have these feelings when you were pregnant but then they slowly came back.

Could it be a chemical brain imbalance?

Essentially you need to keep going to your GP and ask for help. CBT didn't work but there are other therapies

Has your DP not ever picked up how low you are? It’s scary if he hasn’t.

I wonder if you got into a new relationship too quickly, without having time to really grieve your ex

You definitely need some sort of professional help to work through your feelings.

I'm sorry you're still going through this.
Sometimes the end of a relationship can feel like a death, as its the end of a massive part of your life.
When my sister passed, I was advised to write her a letter - to put in everything I would want to tell her, ask her about, and to tell her how much I love and miss her. Perhaps this could work for you as well. Not to send to him and not even for him, but for you. Somewhere to vent and to put all these thoughts and feelings. Some people like to burn it afterwards.
You say you have been to therapy, but have you been as open and honest there as you are here?
I echo others in that CBT might be something for you to try, and apologies if you said you already have.

Thank you for the kind replies.
I just typed out a long message then lost it. I have spend most of the morning in tears and dp has been very cold, when I just want some arms round me. I think he’s had enough but who can blame him? They all deserve better.

I do think I need a psychiatrist. How do I go about getting one? This does go much deeper.

I just want to be happy. I’m exhausted.

@IRunbecauseILikeCake I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to reply. You’re right I perhaps haven’t been as honest as I have here because I am so ashamed to say a lot of it out loud.

Oh and @Pipsquiggle yes I am very hormonally affected. I have mentioned this to previous GPS, therapists and it kind of gets shrugged off.
For instance I am on my period now and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I feel so horrendous.

If my husband told me he was still this hung up on his ex and he'd never loved anyone like her I'm sorry to say I'd leave him.

Of course OP can't talk to her partner about this, I actually feel pretty sorry for the guy.

@ItsABitMeh i don’t disagree

@justwantobehappy30 what possessed you to have children with another man while so obsessed with your ex?

I would suggest finding a Therapist who can do what's called a 'Trauma Rewind'. It's been incredibly effective for my DD, after just one session. I really hope it might help you.

Because I wanted children. Self esteem so destroyed that I worried that I never would. Maybe hoped that it would mean I move passed this? But that hasn’t happened. Things are rarely that cut and dry.

It doesn’t sound logical because my mind isn’t.

Then the decent thing to do is leave him so the poor guy can be with someone who actually wants him.