Really worried for husband and marriage - advice needed

[OnMyOwnSoSad]

name changed for this post…

It’s 2am and I am out of my mind with worry. DH and have been together for 27 years and married for 20 years. No kids, just us. We live a long way from family, but neither of us have families who are close knit, no reason it’s just the way it is.

Over the last three or four years DH has been becoming increasingly angry at the world (not me specifically). This has become magnified with the pandemic. He sees everything as an injustice or slight against him and becomes wound up over things. Every topic of conversation no matter where is starts ends with how nasty people are and everyone is out for themselves. It’s really hard to deal with. He now works completely at home following the pandemic and in the last two and a half years has only seen me and his Mum. I think his lack of social contact is really taking its toll. Pre- COVID he used to play with a sports team but hasn’t gone back. Gentle encouragement is backfiring as he doesn’t like being told what to do. He has no contact with any former friends at all. Suggestions that he makes contact are just answered with that there is no point they are all out for themselves.

The whole thing is driving a wedge between us. We are loosing intimacy, no kisses good night now, or when I come in from work. He’s not unkind to me and makes a lot of effort with chores and so on. I’m just so sad that my beautiful funny husband has been replaced with a cynical, angry man raging at the world. I’ve tried talking with him but it just ends in a row. I’m getting really concerned that this could end our marriage as we end up not being able to chat or talk without ending up in this awful place of everything being awful and the world burning.

to be fair everything is really shit what with climate change, politics etc, but if you fixate on this and forget the good things you will end up in a bad place.

Has anyone else seen this in their DPs, friends, relatives? Any advice?

How awful for you! My DH a an be a bit like this and it’s soul destroying!
I wonder could he have a depressive illness - especially if big change in his personality. Would he agree to see your GP?

Turn it round on him.
Sounds like typical online division nonsense.

I would cheerfully say "this is what the elite right wing press want you to believe so they stay richer whilst turning us little people against each other, I see it's working on you. If you tried going out into the world you would see that the world isn't like this. But you don't you stay here imagining what they tell you to imagine. Which is a bit sad and pathetic really". "I'm off out have a nice day"

Thanks Luna. I am wondering about his mental health. I’ve broached seeing a GP, but suggestions tend to push him in the opposite direction. I think I might do some research myself and see if I can get a handle on what might be the root of the problem and go from there.

I think he should see a counsellor and gp. Perhaps some blood tests might help - to see if anything physical is causing mood changes.

Yup I'd do what @frozendaisy suggested and turn it back.

Thanks for the reply @frozendaisy
I’m not sure it is an online division problem. He spends little time online. I think it comes more down to the fact that a few people let him down badly when he thought he could trust them in the couple of years leading up to the pandemic. The lockdowns just isolated him more and he sees he got by without anyone other than me. How long it will be before he thinks he can do without me too is scary.

@Namenic - I hadn’t thought of physical issues leading to mood changes. Good idea.

You need a heart to heart. Tell him how this change is affecting you and your marriage, and that if he doesn’t make an effort to find out why, you can’t see the marriage surviving. That you will not live like this.
He needs to go to the GP to rule out mental and physical problems, he needs to do that for you.
If there is nothing, then it’s an ageing personality change. We all change as we get older.

I think I might do some research myself and see if I can get a handle on what might be the root of the problem and go from there

That seems very sensible, OP. Good luck with finding some answers. What a very upsetting situation. I feel for you - please come back and give us an update.

Your DH has definitely become socially isolated. I'm sure it would help if he could get back out into the world and have more contact with other people.

Oh dear. I've become more like this. Not the going out bit, I still do, but this bit : Covid has highlighted how nasty and self centred most people are.

"a few people let him down badly when he thought he could trust them in the couple of years leading up to the pandemic. "

Then he's right, isn't he? What kind of let down? What did the friends do or not do?

I think the pandemic has changed the dynamics in some relationships more than we realise. I'm 30 years with my DP so, like you I expect, have been through many changes and ups and downs.

I'm the one wfh and I feel isolated and I also feel less motivated. I am a sociable person who has struggled with the change in friendships and felt let down by some people. I am intelligent and rational but I am shocked at how emotional I have been feeling.

Is your DH the type of person who can express himself if you asked him to explain how he feels? I have tried but honest it just comes over like I am a self indulgent whinger. I feel resentful and usually respond to any suggestions with apathy.

Unless he wants to address his issues you cannot make him decide to do so. If he chooses not to see the GP which is likely considering he does not go out, that is on him.

Do not further act as some sort of rehab centre to him and or potentially lose your own self in the process. You can only help your own self and you ultimately do not have to put up with this behaviour.

Oh this is tough. It’s a downward spiral of lack if interaction and seeking out things that confirm his negative bias. Life is great- despite climate change, cost of living etc and if he would go iut he would remember all of the positive and joyful things about life.

lots of people went down a rabbit hole during covid but most people have moved on now.

I suspect he isn’t going to listen to reason. You and his mum need to talk to him and try to get him meeting people again.

Maybe worth checking for low testosterone if you can persuade him. I think it is meant to be common in middle aged men and can cause depression. It also causes weight gain and low sex drive.
www.menstclinic.com/blog/testosterone-and-depression-whats-the-connection

@MaxOverTheMoon - when I try an approach like that it tends to entrench things further. I am really concerned for him because I think he’s suffering.

In my experience it's really hard when someone you love is depressed. You want to support them but the constant negativity beings to wear you down too. And you feel guilty for being resentful or upset about it.

Ultimately only your DH can make the decision to change, so you might have to be very clear where your boundaries are. Can you be endlessly understanding for ever? And if not, does he know this? Rather than argue against the negative views he finds online, maybe be really clear with him about how you feel when he is angry or negative about the world. Which might feel horrible as he's clearly suffering from some kind of MH issues, but he also needs to know he will could lose you if he doesn't take responsibility for sorting them out. Sorry you're going through this OP.

Thanks @Time40 - he’s a good man and a wonderful husband, so it’s awful to see him like this. 27 years is a long time to be together so ups and downs are inevitable but this is something completely new. I want to help him as best I can as in know he would (and has) for me.

Have you maybe friends you can invite round so he can accidentally have a bit of Interaction with them? Maybe a couple, or just one friend. It might help. X

Or even if you planned to visit people a bit further away.

Maybe after socialising a bit, if it seemed to help, you could comment that he seems better for it. And he might realise then how much he is neglecting his social needs.

@Oblomov22 - you are right when you say “he’s right” and that’s the tricky thing. It’s hard to argue with it, however Extrapolating the really bad behaviour of a couple of people to everyone else is a little unfair and leading him to a deal place.

@dustandroses you make some really good points about how the pandemic has changed people’s relationships. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. I’m sorry you are feeling isolated. I’ve been there too and it is horrible. Resentful is a word DH uses too. He resents the effort he put into maintaining the friendships only for people to fall away. My experience is that friendships do ebb and flow and some fail for all sorts of reasons, not because of an argument. He’s hugely loyal and I think he’s shocked that others are not always as steadfast as he is.

It’s a hard place to be but I do think most people feel like this at some points. It is difficult because he is right in that most people can be kind and generous and charitable when it doesn’t cost them anything but find it harder when they are sacrificing. Ask him who he would sacrifice for? It may just be you and his mother and that’s ok - but he can take enjoyment from others and activities without sacrificing - generally the reward for time with friends or a hobby is enjoyment - that’s what he needs. The world is in a tricky place though and it’s hard to see the good sometimes.

I can sympathise with him to an extent because, having worked in a public-facing role during the height of covid, I have become completely and utterly misanthropic. I could gladly never speak to people again. The behaviour people displayed (and still display) was absolutely horrific, treating other people like shit on their shoe. Not to mention all the other things you mentioned going on atm (terrible government, cost of living issues, world generally on fire etc etc). I do sometimes feel a little down about it all BUT, my partner (and my cat!) bring me so much comfort and joy and I would never "take it out" on them. I have at any rate always been VERY introverted with a small social circle but I love going out for dinner or on minibreaks or anything really with my partner and he makes me forget how terrible other people are

I'm sorry you and your husband are in this situation. While some of what he's feeling does sound "normal" it also sounds as if he's spiralling into it and it must be exhausting and worrying for you. I hope he'll come around to the idea of speaking to his GP; I know you can't force anyone to go and sometimes trying to encourage them makes it worse. But ultimately it's not fair for him to change your relationship and take things to the point where you feel you can't even have a normal chat, even if he is very depressed. Best of luck

If you want to rule out physical causes, my DH and I get an annual private health check up where they do a range of blood tests and you get a report back, which you can then take to your GP If anything is out of whack. It’s about £140 a if that kind of expenditure is within your means, you badge as a ‘health check for the two of you’, but make damn sure his forms are ticked for things like thyroid , hormone and vitamin deficiency, all of which can cause changes in personality.

Can you book a break away somewhere and see if that makes a difference? If he can't be positive with a change of scenery in your company then it's time to tell him straight how he's making you feel.

Thanks for all the wonderful replies. You have all made me feel better. I had a chat with DH yesterday. It wasn’t great. I can feel the visceral hate he has at the world. He is full of resentment as he put it and I think he has given up on almost everything. I could see the pain he is in on his face. It was awful.
Socialising with my friends doesn’t seem to help. It just makes him feel even more isolated despite their best efforts at engaging. I fear he has given up on himself, and our marriage too. As extreme as it sounds I am going to prepare myself for a divorce because I think ultimately this might be where we are headed and I need to know I have a plan for my own peace of mind. I will not give up until I am sure I am out of road. We have had an amazing time together for such a long time and I can’t just throw that away. My heart is broken though.