Really worried for husband and marriage - advice needed

[OnMyOwnSoSad]

name changed for this post…

It’s 2am and I am out of my mind with worry. DH and have been together for 27 years and married for 20 years. No kids, just us. We live a long way from family, but neither of us have families who are close knit, no reason it’s just the way it is.

Over the last three or four years DH has been becoming increasingly angry at the world (not me specifically). This has become magnified with the pandemic. He sees everything as an injustice or slight against him and becomes wound up over things. Every topic of conversation no matter where is starts ends with how nasty people are and everyone is out for themselves. It’s really hard to deal with. He now works completely at home following the pandemic and in the last two and a half years has only seen me and his Mum. I think his lack of social contact is really taking its toll. Pre- COVID he used to play with a sports team but hasn’t gone back. Gentle encouragement is backfiring as he doesn’t like being told what to do. He has no contact with any former friends at all. Suggestions that he makes contact are just answered with that there is no point they are all out for themselves.

The whole thing is driving a wedge between us. We are loosing intimacy, no kisses good night now, or when I come in from work. He’s not unkind to me and makes a lot of effort with chores and so on. I’m just so sad that my beautiful funny husband has been replaced with a cynical, angry man raging at the world. I’ve tried talking with him but it just ends in a row. I’m getting really concerned that this could end our marriage as we end up not being able to chat or talk without ending up in this awful place of everything being awful and the world burning.

to be fair everything is really shit what with climate change, politics etc, but if you fixate on this and forget the good things you will end up in a bad place.

Has anyone else seen this in their DPs, friends, relatives? Any advice?

That’s a good idea… we have healthcare via work so I’ll see what we can do.

Update to this… husband left this morning for “headspace”. I don’t know when he will be back. He didn’t take anything with him so I guess he is coming back today. I am sat here terrified that when he gets back he is going to call an end to our marriage. He’s in such a bad place mentally I can see him blowing up our partnership as his only option left to stop his mental pain. It won’t work of course, but then it will be too late. Not sure why I am posting to be honest. Just need a hand hold I guess.

So sorry to hear your update, OP. Here for a handhold. X

Get him to a dr asap. It would be so sad for a 27 year marriage to end over an undiagnosed health problem, be that physical or mental.
This isn't normal behaviour and he owes it to you after all this time, to seek help before he just throws away a happy marriage. I'm so sorry OP.

He must go to the doctor. As PP say, this is not normal behaviour and he must realise that he’s making your life awful as well as his.
I hope he makes the right decision and gets help

Just wanted to say sorry you are going through this op. I have been married for the same number of years and the uncertainty must be agony for you. I hope your dh can get some treatment or finds what he is looking for and comes to his senses and comes back to you.

Remember though that you have choices too and if his behaviour gets to be really unbearable you also have agency in terms of long term decision making.

Good lock to you 💐

So sorry to hear this here's a hand hold from me x

I'm so sorry to hear this. Hand hold from me too x

I'm sorry, this sounds like a really hard situation, is there any way you could chat with his mum? Sounds like they are fairly close, do you think he would take a nudge from her to seek help with his mental health?

@Puddington I hear you, and I don’t even have to deal with Joe public. I spent the day calling 111 and in an NHS hospital yesterday trying to get some treatment for a relative. Was treated with such contempt (except for the kind doctor we finally got to see through sheer persistence). Then two furious tailgating me on the way home. Inconsiderate neighbours. Wanted to finally go for a swim early this week but can’t because our local water/sewage company is pumping untreated shit into the water. I could go on! It’s not a right-wing conspiracy to feel like this either, as sone pp suggested, it’s just seeing the reality of badness and ignorance in the world, reality in other words. There are however some good people, not perfect, but basically good. It’s helpful perhaps if one tries to find some good souls to hang out with, if possible, even casually in hobby or social groups. Also “splendid isolation” can be fantastic at times 🙂 and just relating to the nicer parts of nature can help also, sometimes.

just to finish, so there is I think some justification for misanthropy, if that is what OP’s DH is feeling. It doesn’t mean he needs to see a doctor or depressed (though of course he could be). He just might be very sensitive and see reality around him. For myself however I would say I am not usually grumpy or take it out on others. If you met me I probably come across as positve and warm I’ve been told. Though if I had a significant other (I don’t), I would probably share my sadness, and sometimes fear of people and what they do.

I don’t know if any of that rings a bell.

I also watch comedy sometimes. ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’: Suzy always cheers me up for some reason!

If I was you I would not be terrified about what your DH will say when he gets back but about whether he will come back. He sounds very depressed and in danger of harm. I think you should try to find him and get him urgent help.

sorry, missed yr update OP.

You need to find him op. I hope he is okay. He sounds like he could be having a breakdown. The moment has passed now for guidance, you need to take him straight to the GP.

CBT is excellent at reframing negative spirals, use someone from BACP

Really hope he is okay 🙏🏻

I’ve heard from DH. He’s on his way home. He’s apologised with the most heartfelt apology I think I have ever heard. I’m waiting for him and hopefully we can find a way through. Thank you for all your lovely posts.

That's good news. I hope you can work it out

So pleased to hear that. Wishing all the best to both of you.

Oh that's such good news op! I hope he (and you) are ok x

@OnMyOwnSoSad
@SoSadOnMyOwn

Your update is very encouraging to hear.

I had a very hard time recovering my life from before the pandemic. So many terrible things occurred in the US and I shut down out of fear and grief. Thankfully my husband and family intervened and didn't give up on me. I'm so grateful that I was pushed into accepting more MH support. I'm not sure I'd have been able to get my life back without it.

It sounds like you have a good chance to recover your relationship. I hope he'll accept outside help and that you get the support you need. It can't be easy dealing with all of this.

(You may not realize but your last few posts are under your other username, so I almost missed them. @Mintchervilpurslane (thank you) commented on those and I realized it was you.)

@beenwhereyouare - firstly thanks, for spotting my admin error. I was a bit of a mess yesterday and didn’t see that at all! Secondly, thank you for sharing you experiences. It helps to understand things from all points of view.

DH came home, and things seem to be in a better place. Yesterday wasn’t the time to have a deep conversation, but I can see we are on the right track, so taking it day by day I think it will be OK.

I can’t thank you all enough for your support. Sending hugs and good vibes to you all.

I wish you well.

Good luck OP. You sound like a lovely person.

You sound so lovely.
How upsetting for you.
Your poor husband must be indeed suffering but he will hopefully be open to helping himself now.

Ultimately it is not wrong to protect yourself.

Wishing you both the best.

Just looking for a hand hold… it’s nearly 4am and my marriage is pretty much officially over. I’m broken hearted. He told me he’s on the verge of asking for a separation. Counselling is a possibility but whilst his mental health is like this I doubt couples therapy is going to help. He see’s me as the problem.

How am I going to come to terms with this? This hurts so badly that I can’t see a way through.