Really worried for husband and marriage - advice needed

[OnMyOwnSoSad]

name changed for this post…

It’s 2am and I am out of my mind with worry. DH and have been together for 27 years and married for 20 years. No kids, just us. We live a long way from family, but neither of us have families who are close knit, no reason it’s just the way it is.

Over the last three or four years DH has been becoming increasingly angry at the world (not me specifically). This has become magnified with the pandemic. He sees everything as an injustice or slight against him and becomes wound up over things. Every topic of conversation no matter where is starts ends with how nasty people are and everyone is out for themselves. It’s really hard to deal with. He now works completely at home following the pandemic and in the last two and a half years has only seen me and his Mum. I think his lack of social contact is really taking its toll. Pre- COVID he used to play with a sports team but hasn’t gone back. Gentle encouragement is backfiring as he doesn’t like being told what to do. He has no contact with any former friends at all. Suggestions that he makes contact are just answered with that there is no point they are all out for themselves.

The whole thing is driving a wedge between us. We are loosing intimacy, no kisses good night now, or when I come in from work. He’s not unkind to me and makes a lot of effort with chores and so on. I’m just so sad that my beautiful funny husband has been replaced with a cynical, angry man raging at the world. I’ve tried talking with him but it just ends in a row. I’m getting really concerned that this could end our marriage as we end up not being able to chat or talk without ending up in this awful place of everything being awful and the world burning.

to be fair everything is really shit what with climate change, politics etc, but if you fixate on this and forget the good things you will end up in a bad place.

Has anyone else seen this in their DPs, friends, relatives? Any advice?

People who are depressed often seek to blame other people especially their nearest and dearest. They probably don't understand why they feel so down and look around for someone to blame. He has already blamed his friends/ the world and now its your turn. My dh suffers with depression and l am familiar with this scenario.

Try to stay calm and don't engage in much discussion about the marriage although that's difficult. You said earlier he sees his Mum. Could she persuade him to see a doctor as he needs help?
My advice..others might not agree..is to say..do whatever seems right to you and don't go discussing or justifyng things. Then he will be left to see that depression follows him when he goes and perhaps that might drive him to seek help.
Mind yourself and get support from your friends.

@junebirthdaygirl - thanks for the message and the advice. I fear we have gone so far now that the marriage is broken beyond repair. If I'm honest with myself Im not sure how much longer I can hang on for and I might be best just to let go and rebuild my life. I feel so bad about not being able to support him.

May I ask how you deal with the unfair blame that comes your way? I find it very hard to deal with.

Sending you love OP. I understand your DH’s way of thinking because I can get like that too, though not as extreme and fortunately I have a social life and things that remind me the world isn’t totally going to hell in a handbasket…

It sounds from your posts like you have tried what you can to help your DH and he just won’t listen to you. It’s important you think about your own mental health too. Especially if he’s now blaming you - as this is categorically not your fault! Whenever he does this try imagining his words like a spray of water just flowing off you, I’ve tried this a few times with family members and sometimes it helps you not internalise it.

Really hope everything works out for you!

Thanks @squishymamma I'm at a point now where I think it might be better for me to rip the plaster off and put an end to it. I can't reach him and I'm not sure he even wants me to.

I can't believe how sad I feel. I've never felt this awful, not even close.

We’re here for you if you need us x

@squishymamma - you have no idea how much that helps 🤗

It does sound as though he's been having a breakdown but the problem is if he is pushing you away like that what are you meant to do? I think the repercussions of Covid have been immense. I do really feel for your husband as it must be awful to feel like that, but I really feel for you too as you are suffering the knock on effects of his mental health. He could ask for help but obviously he's refusing that. You are powerless in a situation and it's a horrible horrible feeling.

Would you stay in the local area?

What do you mean he blames you? What is he saying you’re responsible for?

I would probably stay here. This is where work and friends are. The only issue is if he stayed too. It's a small place and the idea of bumping into him in the supermarket would be like ripping my heart out.

He says it's my fault that he is closed emotionally, he can't talk about anything with me because I get upset. To be fair he is saying some pretty vile things. Even when I'm trying to support him he sees that as me being emotional. It's hopeless.

Wow. Im not sure I could come back from that. Even if he is suffering from depression ( which we don’t know). You’re doing amazingly well because I would have ended it immediately if my DH had suggested I was responsible for his miserable mood. Sorry you’re going through this.

He obviously won't take responsibility for his own feeling so is projecting on to you because it makes it easier to have someone to blame. There is nothing you can do, he needs to work through this and might have to when he can't use you as a whipping boy. Cut your losses, try and rebuild your life..very difficult but I hope you succeed.

Oh OP, I am so sorry to hear this.
My wife has had several depressive episodes.
It is soul destroying indeed.
I am afraid I gave an ultimatum; if she didn't seek help, I would leave.

Luckily, she did get help and is now successfully taking antidepressants.

You can't go on as you are, you are definitely not to blame for your partner's depression or his attitude to life.
I have been feeling very low lately. It seems like an appropriate response to this present time.
However, I also attended a well-being course, and have been concentrating on the positive things in my life.

You need to remember that you don't deserve the blame your partner is heaping on you.
Please spend time with your friends. You deserve to have positivity in your life.
Good luck.

Gosh - I’m sorry OP.

From an outsider it sounds like he discovered that a lot of people are disappointing (to him) & don’t share his values. This is a common finding for anyone in a tricky situation but the flip side of that is that there are people who understand/think the same & the energy you get with them is uplifting and amazing. Rather than seek out those people he has collapsed into himself further and further and become bitter. He doesn’t like the bitterness so I’d blaming that on you. Sounds like he wants things to be right for him but has no reflective skills at all so it must be your fault that he isn’t able to feel better

Total armchair analysis there so feel free to ignore - but I do know it is not your fault. Getting out of a hole of the sort he is in requires the person to do some work themselves & to be able to challenge their stuck ways of thinking. He just does not sound capable of doing that for whatever reason. It may be depression or something else but you still cannot fix him. That has to come from him. Whatever you do will be wrong.

It is very sad. But staying with him at the moment sounds as if it would be destroy you as well. I’m so sorry, but do think about how to protect yourself.

And tbf if he says he’s closed emotionally because he can’t talk to you about horrible things because it makes you (understandably) upset then he needs to remember he’s a grown up and pay a therapist to listen to his shit. Please protect yourself OP.

You poor woman.

You cannot save him so you must save yourself.

Remaining as his emotional punching bag is not your duty.

Your duty is to yourself.

I cannot imagine how painful this is, but you must save yourself and your MH.

Busy yourself with the practicality of how a split will work.

Without you as a crutch perhaps his will help himself.

Either way do not allow yourself to be dragged down further.

Give him his separation.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for you . I have nothing to add except for please take care of yourself and give yourself the love you deserve 💐

I'm not sure I can come back from it tbh.

Thanks @moose62 I think you are right. I've never felt such emotional pain. I'm sat in the local library trying to work out what to do.

@IamEarthymama - thank you for your lovely words, I am coming to realise that. Can't do anything for him, especially as he sees me as the problem. The man I married was/is the love of my life but that man doesn't exist anymore.

Your words make a lot of sense @Sindonym. I just need to find some courage to do what I think needs to be done. First things first, I need to get some space.

I have no experience in this whatsoever but I can only suggest the next step is get some physical space from him. It doesn’t mean it’s forever, but it seems like the sooner the better, for now. It isn’t your fault and unfortunately he doesn’t seem to want help. There is nothing you can do right now. I’m sorry you’re going through this (him too).

You know in your heart it's not your fault and hold onto that. Definitely get some space for yourself. Take the initiative and don't wait for him to decide your life. As you take steps he may be shocked into doing something for himself. I wouldn't engage in any further discussion as you will only get more hurt and wreck your head as you are not talking to a man in his full mind.
He is possibly having a full breakdown but you can't help him if he refuses help. Get one or two sentences to say like..l am sure you will work it all out for yourself..handing back the responsibility to him.
As others have said lean on your friends, get sleep, try to eat properly as you need your own strength.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I've organised some time away in the hope that will bring some calm and clarity.

You are right, I know it's not my fault, but it's easy to forget that. My friends have been wonderful and I'm taking solace in them. I am so worried for him, but as you and others have said, only he can deal with this now.