Husband not happy and not willing to work at it

[Rumplstitskin82]

Long story, been together 23 years, since very young, him a few years older. Married 17 years, 2 DC 13 and nearly 15. Most years happy, a few ups and downs, no cheating on either side or ever any suspicion of.

I thought we were reasonably happy, sex life is ok, once or twice a month, not particularly affectionate at other times which we tend to blame on each other but I feel is mainly him not anting to cuddle etc. I have yoyo'd in weight over the years which affects confidence on my side.

Over recent years I have climbed the ranks at work, got a masters, increased my earning to match/exceed his. I have pursued interests, seeing friends and making my own plans. His social life is much less active but that is his choice as I see it, works shifts so less opportunities.

He has always been a quiet brewer when things on his mind or I have done something to 'upset' him. I often ask what is wrong, what have I done and am told nothing. Just recently it came to a head and I was told I show no interest in his life, so he doesn't engage in conversation with me. I say how was work and just get 'fine'. When questioned further this relates to an incident at school over 6 years ago when he was telling me something and I apparently turned and started a conversation with someone else, granted rude of me, I do struggle to follow his conversation sometimes as his work is very specialist and there have probably been times over the years where I have been distracted and appeared disinterested, I have said I am sorry and not my intention to act as if I don't care but obviously a busy life etc sometimes difficult to give that 100% attention. Aware I am not coming across well here but this has been reciprocated by him declaring he won't bother listening to me any more and walking off when I start to talk about work etc.

Today I said are we ok? and was told I don't know are we? This is a continuation of the conversation from the weekend whereby I was told I don't have any interest in him and what do we have outside of the kids. He still loves me and I have said I want to try and make it work but if he is shut off to me and won't engage in conversation then I am fighting an uphill battle already.

My heart feels broken, I love him and he is a lovely dad and all I have ever known in terms of love. I want to make it better but I can't do it on my own and I don't know if his mind is made up and he doesn't have the fight in him.

It does feel quite out of the blue to me at the moment. He is prone to low moods at times and we had been what I perceived to be happy up until last week so I do wonder if there is something else going on. I am not perfect at all and I recognise that. Suggested counselling and was told no.

Is this the end for us?

Well he’s very open about his vile treatment of you, so up to you whether you’re up more more of the same. This bloke drags you down with his moods, has you walking on eggshells, pandering to him, he walks off on you, doesn’t want counselling. Vile atmosphere to force kids to live in.

If he doesn't want to work at it, ask him point blankly what he does want. Does he want to end it?

It sounds like he wants to leave but wants you to be the one to say it.

Hi both

I haven't painted him in the best light and I admit I am partly at fault with the engaged listening and stuff but he can just shut down and be not very nice to me and that has been the case for years. I also can't save this on my own so have been very clear on that.

I asked him what he wants and said it sounds like he's made his mind up and he just says he doesn't know and he doesn't know if things will get better because he just feels like I'm not interested. And as much as I say I am and I want to get back what we had I can't do it on my own.

We have a holiday coming up in August with my mum and partner which could potentially be unbearable, but I need to think about what I want here too instead of just blaming myself for upsetting him I think?

Beyond saying sorry and moving on to the next conversation, have you acknowledged his criticisms of how you seem disinterested in his work? Have you done it in a way that seems genuine and not just coz you don't want an argument? I would start there.

Next, I would tackle the socialising aspect. You don't seem to have shared interests. Him working shifts shouldn't be a deterrent as you can plan to have similar days off and/or hire a sitter for the children (if needed).

The intimacy bit can only be improved once you both like each other a bit more. x2 a month seems low but that's just imo.

Leaving??? Doesn't sound like an insurmountable problem so wouldn't rush to that before trying the above two. Good luck!!

Thank you and I agree, we have been to theatre, a gig, cinema together recently so it isn't like we don't do anything together. I get what you are saying about being genuinely interested and I have asked how I can show that and am told there's no point as he just won't believe that I am now so I don't know how I get past that other than saying it and trying to show it in other ways. I really don't know.

Saying you are interested is easy. Perhaps what you are saying and how you are behaving are at odds. It’s obvious when someone isn’t actually interested in us. Body language, eye contact, micro expressions, questions they don’t ask.
aounds like you lead very separate lives and he certainly isn’t happy.
I would be really honest and look at how you are both behaving.

I am actually busy the next 3 nights doing stuff without him which is unusual but may be good to have a bit of time apart.

Thank you Bigbuttons yes that is what he is saying although not willing to acknowledge any flaws in himself. All I can say to him is I love him and want to work at it he needs to let me in to do that.

It sounds like you've accepted your part in this, and have told him that. You have apologised and said you'll try to do better.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, and if he isn't willing to do the same (accept his part / apoligise genuinely / say he'll try to do better) then the choice isn't yours. He's decided he isn't going to make any efforts. That means he either doesn't think it's worth it (ie he thinks it's already dead in the water OR he wants to leave for other reasons, such as someone else) or he thinks it's your job to do all the work, make all the effort, make him happy, do all the running.

I think I'd have one last conversation with him. Tell him that I've been clear with where I am and he has to do the same. If he isn't willing to put in the work to make the marriage work (and that means no sulking, no going back over something you did 6 years ago and have apologised for many times, looking at how he needs to change as well as you) then he is deciding your marriage is over. You are not soley responsible for your relationship. You both hold 50% of that responsibility.

If he refuses that, or is vague, then he is telling you the relationship is over.

I think a woman’s version of a happy marriage and a man’s can be different. They just don’t tend to tell you until it’s too late.

Thanks I've just sat and cried and said I want it to work, I accept my faults and I am so sorry he has felt that i am disinterested and don't care I want us to prioritise us and get back to who we were before this but he does need to be open to that too.

Again he says it's what he wants but he doesn't know if we can. I have said we can try that is all we can do.

I have said I am commited to being better and there is no magic solution make everything better in a conversation so time will have to tell I think. Either way I guess it will be less of a bolt oyt of tge blue if we can't come back from here although I hope with all my heart that we can.

For me the key point you made was,

'My heart feels broken, I love him and he is a lovely dad and all I have ever known in terms of love.'

I hope you've told him that with words and deeds.

I've been in a similar situation. At work I feel sociable, fun, appreciated and personally rewarded while DH works in a technical field and felt in a bit of a rut with little social connection. Like you, I cared for him, he was a lovely dad but my eyes glazed over if he ever started to talk about his own interests.

It's not his fault, so I tried my best to be interested and ask questions to bring him out more. Sensing his insecurities, I was also careful not to boast - just like I'd have done for any shy or less 'popular' friend, really. I supported and encouraged him socially, organised our joint social life, introduced him to people, paid attention in company when he spoke. Again, I did exactly what I'd have done with a more shy and insecure friend.

I think he felt grateful for that over time. I also let him do the things he likes and acknowledged him for whatever his input was (or is). Right now I'm organising ten days away with friends. He wants to make a table that splits costs according to how many days each person wants to share accommodation because different people are coming and going at different times. Secretly I think it would have sorted itself out anyway. But I still thank him for it.

That is a good point Serious88 and I think while life has swept me up I have acknowledged to him that I have been a bit self centred and self absorbed. I want to feel loved and appreciated and often I don't by him but perhaps that is a symptom of how he has been feeling. Your suggestions are helpful and I just hope he will open up enough for me to give him time to talk and show I am listening, that his happiness is important to me and that I want us to be happy together.

So I guess what I'm saying is, don't say sorry for the past, just take the lead and show him how much care in the now. And don't let his insecurity pull you down, just persistently chip away at it.

Yes, I will take that on board. I can't force him to open up so I suppose we will see where the next couple of months take us. We have some social things planned and the holiday mentioned so will have plenty of time together to work on things if he is willing.

Worth a try but what is he doing to do for you? You obviously have needs that are not being met too!

I think the real question is does he want to leave you or does he was significant change.

He's telling you he doesn't feel listened or our appreciated. I wouldn't be happy if I felt like that too. You admit he may have a point.

Also, couldn't help but notice, you said sex life is fine, once or twice a month. It may be fine for you, is it for him? I would feel rejected if that was my sex life.

You also feel unappreciated. Perhaps this is a wake up call for you both and a good honest conversation and change on both sides may help.

You've said some nice things about him. Is he aware you feel this way? Do you ever tell him?

Again, the question is does he want to leave or does he want change. Sounds like you want change too.

He says he loves me and he wants us to be hapoy together but I do have to push him to say that is what he wants as the default is "I don't know if we can".

Sex life that is normal for us and has been that way for years but I do also need to work on my weight as that affects my confidence and feeling desirable. This is a bit of a kick up the arse for that too. Making more of an effort for him.

I hope I tell him the nice things, maybe he doesn't hear them. Conversely he never ever compliments me.

I think he's making out that it's all your fault. Which I don't believe for one moment. What's he doing to make things better? Or is he expecting you to do all the work?

I know you have said you can't fix things on your own but also please don't take on all the responsibility for the success/failure of the relationship - if he wants to make it work he has to play his part too

When my marriage broke down it was completely out of the blue. Suddenly he wasn't happy - I had to coax it out of him. I got the full script - not been happy for years, no one else involved blah blah blah. He worked away during the week and was only home for weekends so each weekend I would have a fresh plan for how I was going to make it better this week. He would get home on a Friday evening and all my optimism would dissolve within minutes of him walking in the door. It was like a glass wall between us

After 6 weeks of torture I asked him what he thought was going to happen and he predicted I would have a breakdown and throw him out. Which is basically what happened. I think he didn't want to be the bad guy and wanted me to finish it. I later found out about the OW.

Time will tell I suppose. If he puts no effort in and it becomes apparent that he has no desire to then I will have to say I tried and he wasn't willing. I will be devastated if that happens but will be patient and kind as much as Incan be with showing him I'm serious about making things better.

It's difficult in real life I want to confide im my mum and sister but also don't want to ruin things we have planned this weekend with this revalation. I am highly emotional and struggle to keep it in.

Sorry to hear that anonymouse and that must have been awful for you. He says I must want more too, which I do, I want someone to show that they love and care for me. I want to fix it all now but I need to accept I can't and that we need to see how we move forwards together.

I wonder if he has had interest elsewhere and that is sparking this too, I can't pretend it hasn't crossed my mind.

So 6 years ago you got distracted by another conversation, we all do this, he has since then held a simmering grudge no matter how many times you say sorry or have adapted your behaviour, he had since decided to continue to "punish" you by never being interested in your work. So it's ok for him to continue to do to you the behaviour that apparently was so awful to him he has never got over it for 6 fucking years.

But now it's your fault.

Fuck this for a game of sausages.

My advice you say "no I don't know how to sort this either, let's take steps to move forward separately".

I bet you do more house jobs, admin, mental load. Let the sulky happiness sapping vampire wash his own dirty socks,insure his car, etc. He sounds dreary.

What i dont like about it is he wants to make it work but doesn't know if it can. We could all say that even about good relationships. The only thing that counts is whether the person is committed to making the effort. Its not your job to fix it all through guesswork. Yes you can pay more attention when he's talking but he needs to use his words and tell you what would help, pull his head out of his arse and consider what he actually wants and how to go about getting it instead of this fatalist attitude.

Personally, I would check the box of paying attention and then see if new reasons why he isn't happy start showing up. As a PP said, it could be hes getting attention from somewhere else, or its less about you and more about his own mental state

I would normally say what a dick blah blah

buuut
I have a friend who seems a bit like you. So great and ambitious and full of life and hobbies and it’s so cool. But she couldn’t care less about anything I say. I speak about something and she does what you, either speaks to someone else or just talks about herself

I decided a few years back that I wouldn’t tell her about life. You know she still hasn’t noticed I assume she thinks I literally do nothing all day because she doesn’t actually care to try and find out anything about me because she’s decided I do nothing and she’s all go go go

I mean obviously your husband shouldn’t be so stubborn and stroppy but I really don’t care much about my friend and every meet up that passes where she doesn’t realise I never tell her about my life just makes me feel like shit
I only have her as a friend still because she’s close to all of of my family