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Original poster

Husband not happy and not willing to work at it

93 replies

Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 16:38

Long story, been together 23 years, since very young, him a few years older. Married 17 years, 2 DC 13 and nearly 15. Most years happy, a few ups and downs, no cheating on either side or ever any suspicion of.

I thought we were reasonably happy, sex life is ok, once or twice a month, not particularly affectionate at other times which we tend to blame on each other but I feel is mainly him not anting to cuddle etc. I have yoyo'd in weight over the years which affects confidence on my side.

Over recent years I have climbed the ranks at work, got a masters, increased my earning to match/exceed his. I have pursued interests, seeing friends and making my own plans. His social life is much less active but that is his choice as I see it, works shifts so less opportunities.

He has always been a quiet brewer when things on his mind or I have done something to 'upset' him. I often ask what is wrong, what have I done and am told nothing. Just recently it came to a head and I was told I show no interest in his life, so he doesn't engage in conversation with me. I say how was work and just get 'fine'. When questioned further this relates to an incident at school over 6 years ago when he was telling me something and I apparently turned and started a conversation with someone else, granted rude of me, I do struggle to follow his conversation sometimes as his work is very specialist and there have probably been times over the years where I have been distracted and appeared disinterested, I have said I am sorry and not my intention to act as if I don't care but obviously a busy life etc sometimes difficult to give that 100% attention. Aware I am not coming across well here but this has been reciprocated by him declaring he won't bother listening to me any more and walking off when I start to talk about work etc.

Today I said are we ok? and was told I don't know are we? This is a continuation of the conversation from the weekend whereby I was told I don't have any interest in him and what do we have outside of the kids. He still loves me and I have said I want to try and make it work but if he is shut off to me and won't engage in conversation then I am fighting an uphill battle already.

My heart feels broken, I love him and he is a lovely dad and all I have ever known in terms of love. I want to make it better but I can't do it on my own and I don't know if his mind is made up and he doesn't have the fight in him.

It does feel quite out of the blue to me at the moment. He is prone to low moods at times and we had been what I perceived to be happy up until last week so I do wonder if there is something else going on. I am not perfect at all and I recognise that. Suggested counselling and was told no.

Is this the end for us?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 18:56

Good points thank you and I can see both perspectives. I don't think I am that self absorbed that I talk about myself all the time to the point he is excluded but I will absolutely be aware of how much I talk abouf myself in all aspects of my life as I certainly not backwards in doing so.

Yes I agree he needs to want to. I out my arms around him in the kichen earlier and he responded and is in here making jokes with the kids and talking aboit holidays books etc so I hope he wants to and it is just his crap communication that has meant I haven't felt that commitment from him yet.

Apologies for typos as on phone. I am out most of tomorrow and in the eve with our daughter. Some breathing space may be good. I started a new job predominantly wfh in March and I think the amount of time we are home together potentially contributes to feeling like we are housemates so I will think about how we can manage that to get the best out of our relationship. I have a feeling I am annoying popping out in between meetings to talk about inane shit.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 20/07/2022 18:59

I wonder if he has had interest elsewhere and that is sparking this too, I can't pretend it hasn't crossed my mind

It was my thought...is someone else showing him interest? What do you know of his work...has anyone newish appeared?

Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 19:02

He works in a totally male dominated environment night shifts and I am not aware of any women, that's not to say there wouldn't be but I think it is unlikely. I don't think he's the typenfor an online dalliance but who knows...

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 20/07/2022 19:14

Even if you were to take an interest, what does your dh want out of you listening ?

ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 19:21

He seems to be defaulting to a blame position ... keeping you apologising and on tenterhooks.
I would call his bluff. perhaps you should split up - first though maybe do couples counselling? and see what happens?

MakingNBaking · 20/07/2022 19:46

I'm intrigued - if he keeps saying that he won't make any effort to work things out, what does he want/expect to happen?
Or are you supposed to spend the rest of your days apologising, reassuring him of your love, asserting how much you want things to work, changing this and that about yourself just on the off chance you might rekindle his love.
What would he say if you said/did all of the above - with the proviso that if he didn't feel more positive by, say, October, then you both had best look to calling it quits amicably.

Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 19:48

He has said a blanket no to counselling when I suggested it. I feel so sick and anxious as the default is to want to fix this but it is not that easy.

I think I need to have some time to think, I will make the effort to repair the things from my side but also need to get to a place of acceptance that he needs to want it to work. If he genuinely still loves me as a partner and not just as the mother of his children then we will see if that happens. I hope he would have been honest as I asked "so have you already decided there's no coming back?" and "do you want to split?". He just says no but he doesn't see how it recovers.

I will cut back a little on the socialising without him as I think he may feel slightly that I just go off and do that, which I absolutely do but also happy to do things with him too. I always thought pursuing own interests and to some extent doing things separately with the kids is all healthy but one of the examples he gave earlier was that I was never interested in watching Marvel films with him until one of the DC got into it now I will watch them as a bonding thing with the DC but didn't when it was just him. There are plenty of things I have watched on my own because he isn't interested and never thought anything of it...

OP posts:
Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 19:52

And Makingnbaking youbsum up kind of how I am feeling deep down and that yes I will give it my best to make itvwork but it will definitely require effort from him otherwise I know I will end up feeling totally helpless.

I have worked my way to financial independence enjoying the security that I know I can be on my own if I need to and occasionally browse rightmove etc when he has been shitty as a bit of reassurance, then things get better and I feel safe that we will be together forever. Like I say I am highly emotional and prone to tears and anxiety but I know these feelings will settle and I will find acceptance with the outcome. If he has cheated it's a dealbreaker for me for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 19:54

The kids and practacalities are a different ballgame altogether but I do want us both to be happy and if I don't make him happy then we can't continue as we are.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 20/07/2022 19:57

I think you are blaming yourself far too much OP- he's either checked out or wants to improve things and you can't improve things if he doesn't know how to show you why the relationship needs improving. He's now kind of laying it on you-- it takes two!!!

Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 20:03

I think he thinks he has shown me why, I am unappreciative and disinterested at times from his perspective. I'm not very perceptive, we recently had a lot of work done in the house, he has done a lot of it and I haven't always noticed things straight away or been appreciative. I appeae wrapped up in my own stuff at times.

All of which I have acknowledged and apologised for and said I will do whatever it takes to move forwards. The only way I can see to do that is to not be disinterested and to engage with him more and for us to make more effort as a couple. I don't know what else I can do. None of that I can do if he continues to block me out and give me one word answers and to be honest I will get to a point if that happens where I have to say enough is enough.

I am so grateful for all advice here it really helps.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 20:40

If he isn't interested in counselling and pushes it all back onto you and how you can improve, then something is amiss.
Maybe an affair (take a look at his phone, pay a bit more attention to where he is/says he us for a few weeks) maybe he just wants out, or maybe he quite likes having you apologising all the time
But if he was serious about saving the relationship he would be putting forward suggestions to help.
Like you are!
Is he doing that?

Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 20:54

I think maybe he wants to see sustained effort from me before he will open up, I don't know. I don't know what else I can do. I have been very apologetic and upset and told him my heart still swells with love for him and I wish he could feel it. Grand gestures and romance from me are not going to cut it and it's not who we are.

People do change, I have changed a lot and wonder if he would like me to be more needy and dependent at times but I won't ever be that way now. That doesn't mean that I can't show that I appreciate him and make sure that I show that I value the partnership and the love and history that we have together.

In my view marriage needs to be worked at and it is worrying me that he is acting like there is no point.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 21:00

"Push me- pull you"
That's the game you two are playing.
If you flip to push, he will change to pull.
Or you could both stop playing?

AnyFucker · 20/07/2022 21:01

Cherchez La femme

Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 21:02

I suppose I just need to reconcile in my mind that I have accepted my faults, assured him I am interested and want to make it work. I follow through with actions into words and self awareness and he needs to meet me half way.

I deserve better than a game where the other person doesn't want to play and puts all the blame on me.

OP posts:
Hhd1 · 20/07/2022 21:05

Sounds uninvested to me to be honest. “He never pays me compliments”

This is a two way game with only one person willing to play.

WaveyHair · 20/07/2022 21:08

So he has to work on some things, but so do you. Do you actively listen to him and focus entirely on what he is saying or are you always distracted and trying to do something else? His disinterest in what you are saying may be matching yours.

It sounds like you both need some time together, right now you sound a bit like housemates. There is give and take on both sides it seems

We have a holiday coming up in August with my mum and partner which could potentially be unbearable, but I need to think about what I want here too instead of just blaming myself for upsetting him I think?

Can this be turned into a holiday for just the two of you?

Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 21:08

I'll see how thinga are over the summer holidays, we have social things and a big holiday, we need to commit to enjoy these things together. Our youngest starts a new school in Sept, there is always the next thing to focus on isn't there.

I have wondered about depression in him recently as he has periods of being quite low, but I don't want to mention this now as it's looking for a reason that isn't 'me'.

I just feel so lonely and sad tonight.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 20/07/2022 21:11

Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 17:13

Thank you and I agree, we have been to theatre, a gig, cinema together recently so it isn't like we don't do anything together. I get what you are saying about being genuinely interested and I have asked how I can show that and am told there's no point as he just won't believe that I am now so I don't know how I get past that other than saying it and trying to show it in other ways. I really don't know.

If you need to ask how you can show you are interested, we’ll surely it means you are really not very interested. To be honest you don’t sound very interested in him and I am not sur who’s you can force yourself to be if it just isn’t there.

djdkdkddkek · 20/07/2022 21:13

You seem to be an incredibly nice person. you deserve his forgiveness and if he does not want to provide it then it’s his loss

not many people can be as self reflective, open, and accepting as you are being.

Comtesse · 20/07/2022 21:13

“He wants to see sustained effort from me” - ughh I don’t much like the sound of that…..

Original poster
Rumplstitskin82 · 20/07/2022 21:14

Yes Waveyhair I think that's it. I was distracted and sonetimes not listening, he has stopped talking because of it and is disinterested in me.

Holiday is a family one but we will have time alone. Hopefully might be an opportunity to reconnect but may be make or break.

Housemates who are very familiar wouldn't be inaccurate. And we have gone through times of feeling like this although not connected to him feeling I am not interested in him. I have played him at his own game with silent treatment etc in the past as he has been quite shitty to me at times but will not acknowledge that.

If I talk about how I feel or get upset I get no sympathy. Never get a hug or anything. Written down that looks awful.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 20/07/2022 21:17

Check his phone next few days

Crikeyalmighty · 20/07/2022 21:23

@Rumplstitskin82 you mention that he says you aren't appreciative when he has done stuff in house etc!! Out of interest is he appreciative of stuff you have done and has he always been appreciative??- or is it a case of he now wants medals and fuss , whilst not always having been that way with you. To me he sounds like he has checked out and I suspect maybe he is no longer that bothered , but a bit of a coward - I wonder if someone's been turning his head and he now needs to make you look like the bad person- maybe you aren't mega interested in his job - is he that interested in yours? is that really it- I'm sure there are many women and men who could say the same . I think there's more to this and I don't think it's about you, more something going on with him