Husband not happy and not willing to work at it

[Rumplstitskin82]

Long story, been together 23 years, since very young, him a few years older. Married 17 years, 2 DC 13 and nearly 15. Most years happy, a few ups and downs, no cheating on either side or ever any suspicion of.

I thought we were reasonably happy, sex life is ok, once or twice a month, not particularly affectionate at other times which we tend to blame on each other but I feel is mainly him not anting to cuddle etc. I have yoyo'd in weight over the years which affects confidence on my side.

Over recent years I have climbed the ranks at work, got a masters, increased my earning to match/exceed his. I have pursued interests, seeing friends and making my own plans. His social life is much less active but that is his choice as I see it, works shifts so less opportunities.

He has always been a quiet brewer when things on his mind or I have done something to 'upset' him. I often ask what is wrong, what have I done and am told nothing. Just recently it came to a head and I was told I show no interest in his life, so he doesn't engage in conversation with me. I say how was work and just get 'fine'. When questioned further this relates to an incident at school over 6 years ago when he was telling me something and I apparently turned and started a conversation with someone else, granted rude of me, I do struggle to follow his conversation sometimes as his work is very specialist and there have probably been times over the years where I have been distracted and appeared disinterested, I have said I am sorry and not my intention to act as if I don't care but obviously a busy life etc sometimes difficult to give that 100% attention. Aware I am not coming across well here but this has been reciprocated by him declaring he won't bother listening to me any more and walking off when I start to talk about work etc.

Today I said are we ok? and was told I don't know are we? This is a continuation of the conversation from the weekend whereby I was told I don't have any interest in him and what do we have outside of the kids. He still loves me and I have said I want to try and make it work but if he is shut off to me and won't engage in conversation then I am fighting an uphill battle already.

My heart feels broken, I love him and he is a lovely dad and all I have ever known in terms of love. I want to make it better but I can't do it on my own and I don't know if his mind is made up and he doesn't have the fight in him.

It does feel quite out of the blue to me at the moment. He is prone to low moods at times and we had been what I perceived to be happy up until last week so I do wonder if there is something else going on. I am not perfect at all and I recognise that. Suggested counselling and was told no.

Is this the end for us?

I really can't help but think this is sparked by our argument at the weekend and me calling him out on speaking to me like shit in front of our friends. I am not a doormat and don't want to present to be one.

This may be significant @Rumplstitskin82 - can you tell us more?

Yes of course, we had a bbq with friends and there were 2 things, one that he had said he told me and he absolutely hadn't, and another which is really stupid but an example; we were talking about a planning application to build another 500 houses where we live, our friends were saying they had objected, he said he was going to but I said there's no point they will build them anyway. Which I absolutely did not, he shouted at me 'YOU DID' and made me feel completely embarrassed, it was like he was just picking at me for the sake of it. I wonder if this is to make out that I am the one in the wrong to people if and when we part ways.

I have never bitten back at him like that in front of people before.

Ew. Ok..well you've got more patience and acceptance than I have. You sound open and willing and reasonable. He sounds like a petulant grumpy, sulky, grudge bearer and I'll bet this is the tip of the iceberg. With the best will in the world, you can't drag this lump of a relationship alone. If he won't open up unless you hit is prescribed conditions, and flatly refuses counselling you've very little option but to put the ball in his court and tell him to put the six year old minor slight firmly behind him and let you know when he's got a better plan. Don't cancel your plans without him, I'd be making more.

Right. Look up ‘the script for men who cheat’.

Also, he sounds abusive and insecure.

What are those things @Rumplstitskin82 ?

I’m uncomfortable with the fact you acknowledge you have been walking in egg shell for years. And that ‘because he is a man a few words’ you’ve had to
guess his mood and guess if things are ok for him etc….

Thats unhealthy. A healthy marriage is based on open communication. Nit on one person guessing how the person feels. Esp because you are likely to guess wrong tbh

@Kara8787 🙂 agree to disagree. I may be projecting having lived through what sounds like a very similar experience

I will find out more from my mum about her observations tomorrow, I think it is likely to be the way he speaks to me or ignores me at times. And yes you are right it is not right to walk on eggshells or second guess how I say things or be afraid to tell him things in case of how he will react, or have to repeat myself several times because he doesn't listen to me. Or to tell him something about someone and the response be 'I don't know who that is' ie; I don't care. When I am just trying to make conversation and include him.

I bet he feels neglected. You've become increasingly independent throughout the marriage. he's stayed still, now he's older, ruminating. It's at breaking point now. Instead of discussing with a view presenting his deep feelings, he's being curmudgeonly. You are in one place emotionally he's in another entirely different place and state.
Imagine renovating the house and you're partner doesn't even acknowledge that fact.😂
I believe there's no way back.

It isn't that I didn't acknowledge how hard he worked on the house, more that I would come in from work, sort out pets, say Hi to kids, start dinner, and perhaps not notice new skirting boards until later. That kind of thing. He does work hard for us all but so do I and I suppose we have fallen into a pattern of neither of us acknowledging or being kind and appreciative at times, just on his side this has led to him having enough and getting into a rut of retaliation for perceived disinterest on my part.

It is so hard. I have just been into the living room, it's the end of term, kids chatting about plans for the summer seemingly unaware of any tension between us. I tried to catch his eye and nothing.

OP, I'm with the posters who think he sounds awful.

Such a self absorbed man conveniently putting the entire success of your marriage on you.

I think he definitely sounds emotionally abusive AKA as a nasty prick.

Well done for speaking to your family.

He speaks to you like dirt.

You can be sure that has been noticed by those who witnessed it.

He is a nasty little man that is running circles around you.

@Rumplstitskin82 the bottom line is that you can’t fix things on your own.
whatever you have done or haven’t done, it is never just up to one person to make things better. He has to try, he has to want to meet you half way or there is no point.
tou might well have for things wrong in the past, he has too, we all do but you also have an absolute right to insist that you are treated a certain way. Draw your lines in the sand and stick to them.

He's got you angsting about what you have and haven't done, while putting in little effort himself.

As a PP said, look up the cheating script.

I'm suspicious here that there isn't someone else involved- this amount of disconnection is odd.

Stop trying to catch his eye and ask him out right if he wants to fix your marriage if he says he doesn’t know tell him to stop messing you around and walk away.

stop bending over backwards for him

I wouldn’t notice if the skirting boards had been done either other things take over that like the kids and pets and household stuff ffs. Does he want a standing ovation for it cos that’s tedious and he damn well knows it.

you are in to deep and need therapy all by yourself to untangle it all

I'm reading this thread and wondering if any of the people heaping random criticisms on someone they don't know as a human being, a partner, a parent etc, ever have been in bed with Covid, or even just with the flu, or a headache... and how they'd feel if they knew their partner was being told by strangers that they are being abusive or gaslighting etc. I do think it's important to keep things in proportion!

The refusal to engage or work on it makes me think he has someone else in mind even if not an affair. My BIL did this, refused counselling etc and new girlfriend turned up within weeks of the split. I’m not sure he actually had an affair but he clearly lined her up beforehand.