Husband not happy and not willing to work at it

[Rumplstitskin82]

Long story, been together 23 years, since very young, him a few years older. Married 17 years, 2 DC 13 and nearly 15. Most years happy, a few ups and downs, no cheating on either side or ever any suspicion of.

I thought we were reasonably happy, sex life is ok, once or twice a month, not particularly affectionate at other times which we tend to blame on each other but I feel is mainly him not anting to cuddle etc. I have yoyo'd in weight over the years which affects confidence on my side.

Over recent years I have climbed the ranks at work, got a masters, increased my earning to match/exceed his. I have pursued interests, seeing friends and making my own plans. His social life is much less active but that is his choice as I see it, works shifts so less opportunities.

He has always been a quiet brewer when things on his mind or I have done something to 'upset' him. I often ask what is wrong, what have I done and am told nothing. Just recently it came to a head and I was told I show no interest in his life, so he doesn't engage in conversation with me. I say how was work and just get 'fine'. When questioned further this relates to an incident at school over 6 years ago when he was telling me something and I apparently turned and started a conversation with someone else, granted rude of me, I do struggle to follow his conversation sometimes as his work is very specialist and there have probably been times over the years where I have been distracted and appeared disinterested, I have said I am sorry and not my intention to act as if I don't care but obviously a busy life etc sometimes difficult to give that 100% attention. Aware I am not coming across well here but this has been reciprocated by him declaring he won't bother listening to me any more and walking off when I start to talk about work etc.

Today I said are we ok? and was told I don't know are we? This is a continuation of the conversation from the weekend whereby I was told I don't have any interest in him and what do we have outside of the kids. He still loves me and I have said I want to try and make it work but if he is shut off to me and won't engage in conversation then I am fighting an uphill battle already.

My heart feels broken, I love him and he is a lovely dad and all I have ever known in terms of love. I want to make it better but I can't do it on my own and I don't know if his mind is made up and he doesn't have the fight in him.

It does feel quite out of the blue to me at the moment. He is prone to low moods at times and we had been what I perceived to be happy up until last week so I do wonder if there is something else going on. I am not perfect at all and I recognise that. Suggested counselling and was told no.

Is this the end for us?

Yes perhaps you are right. I don't think I will get hold of the phone to be honest but will keep an eye out for it.

I wonder if he is depressed and just can't be bothered. And that may be something I broach with him to say he wants to throw everything away because he is not prepared to work with me or go to counselling. 23 years and a lot we have been through together then it's just that I don't listen to him or notice when he's done something. I said we need to being the fun back and he didn't disagree.

It is helpful to hear outside views as I am so caught up in angst and emotion.

You also seem really lovely OP- I do have a lot of sympathy as I think my husband could possibly feel this way too --that he doesn't always get my full attention - I noticed this on holiday when he had a go at me looking at my phone a fair bit and not constantly waiting on his every word- yet he does this himself a great deal and I never comment. Somehow it's crap if I do it- but fine if he does. Can't help but wonder if there's a bit of this going on with yourselves too

Yes I think there is. He actively ignores me at times and I am sure would say it all relates back so all I can do is give it my effort and focus, and hope he reciprocates and wants to make it work.

I don't think it"s uncommon but I think he is feeling low and focusing on this as being my issue when we need to work together to have any hope of recovering.

I agree.

Frim what you’ve said, you are very happy to acknowledge your part in the issue. You recognise you have a full life and maybe you aren’t always listening to him. Which is great Because nothing will change if you don’t.

Your DH however is happy to ‘punish you’ by not giving you any attention because you dint do enough for him.
He is resentful and is still holding grudge of a small incident 6 years ago. But he has never told you and somehow was expecting you to just know how awful you were to him
None of that is helpful in any shape or form. Even less so when he can’t tell you what he wants or needs. Refuses counselling and is expecting you to solve it all when, as you rightly said, it’s impossible for you to do.

From where I stand I see a woman who has carried on building her life, has gained more training, a better job. Still an active social life. Whilst…. He has let life just happen and is getting resentful of your full life vs his empty life (Because how very dare you have expected him to look after himself and not act as his mum)
It looks like he has disengaged and is looking for fault on your side to explain he isn’t happy/resentful. He is managing to convince you it’s all your fault though. Just look at what you wrote. That you need to loose weight, organise time together (not him though. Nope that’s YOUR responsibility even though he is the one with an issue), make an effort to listen to him about his work -even though you dint understand it AND he isn’t returning the favour- etc….

6 years! He's sulking because of something you did 6 years ago! You
Didn't cheat on him or kill his pet fish, you turned away and had another conversation.

Tell me op, how do you think he'd react if you treated him like he's treating you? I suspect he'd sulk for the next millennial

Who are these ultra needy people who aren’t satisfied unless 100% of the attention and focus is on them ?

This man sounds like my toddler grand daughter, spitting out the dummy and throwing a tantrum if you dare to look the other way for a little while or, heaven forbid, concentrate on your own needs for more than a minute

I cannot believe you are engaging with this. I will forgive this behaviour in a child, but a grown man ? Bloody hell, you sound like an absolute walkover looking for ways to blame yourself despite acknowledging he sounds like quite the shitty husband himself

No man is worth this. At least my dgd will grow out of it, but he has no excuse at all other than you keep enabling his bullshit

To be clear it isn't solely the incident from 6 years ago, that is just the sort of thing he gives me as an example. I have really made an effort to engage in conversation today, he has been a bit hot and cold. He has covid currently so physical affection is difficult and he is sleeping in the spare room. I suppose we will see if he comes back to bed next week and how we move on.

I have been on the verge of tears all day and need this feeling to pass. I hope I can gain strength if he continues to put no effort into making things better. I just can't believe it has come to this. I think of our beautiful kids and how much we have together and it has always been us, I really can't help but think this is sparked by our argument at the weekend and me calling him out on speaking to me like shit in front of our friends. I am not a doormat and don't want to present to be one.

I think of all the things we have done together over the last year, weekends away, holidays with the kids, parties, gigs etc and I thought we were happy. It feels like it was all a lie now and my version of reality is false.

If he’s not happy, won’t work on it and won’t have counselling then he’s essentially done with the relationship and you should be looking to move forward alone. Also get some counselling for you to help you work through how you feel

My vote is he's having an affair, possible just emotional but either way it's making him question his life.

He's a fool.

IME when they get to the point of telling you they are unhappy, point out your neglect then refuse to work on rhe marriage...there is usually someone who has turned their head, who is making them feel wanted and is hanging off their every word.

This with bells on and by your own admission it’s an example he gives
it was 6 years ago ffs.

he won’t engage he wants to punish and has done for years.
you are enabling this

look at what you’ve written again and take it in. You are enabling him to treat you like shit
either he wants to sort it or not which is it? that’s a question for him not you your blinded and can’t see he’s a twat and an emotional bully.

I have opened up to my sister now, and my mum, who I am seeing tomorrow, because I need support around this whatever happens. And I think they can see that everything I have said is valid and will be there for me either way.

I do need to get a handle on my emotions as I just keep crying and I need to hold it together for work and the kids, I expect that will fade it is just early days, and I have no response from him to my emotions at all. He is a bit monosyllabic despite me trying so I am just going to go one day at a time at the moment. If he doesn't thaw and start to make an effort then it's pretty much dead in the water anyway but I just can't see how he can want to make no effort to salvage things.

I need to get my support around me, I'm not ready to give up on us and think there are some difficult conversations ahead.

You are flogging a dead horse

He wants you to continue to kow tow to him and his ever present moods and moodiness too is an example of emotional abuse. You are indeed enabling him to treat you like shit.

You may not want to give up on him but you need to ask yourself why that is. Do not get bogged down in sunk costs as you are doing to yourself now.

This is no relationship model either to be showing your kids; I presume he behaves all Disney Dad around them whilst he assidiously ignores you as their mother.

So often this happens when a wife dedicates a lot of time to her career. It’s just hard to maintain a good relationship when your constantly in different worlds at work and those don’t go together in any way. Sad but both spouses working full time with kids just rarely works.

@redfairy

This. Often happens especially with a full time working wife into her job. Her time and energy for him diminishes so when someone enters his life who gives him that time and adoration and makes him feel like a man he realises what he’s missing at home. Happens all the time.

The way you keep apologising for being over emotional is a warning sign to me OP. He knows you and he’s watching you tie yourself up in knots and not doing anything to clarify/help. To me that is abusive. Especially where you said you almost couldn’t function at work. You’re under pressure, and it is giving you emotional pain. He’s making you spend all your time trying to work him out. It isn’t friendly OP. Also you’ve been made to feel self indulgent and as though you are too much, and he is punishing you. You’re doing so well and if you aren’t careful he will dismantle all that by destabilising you. He also isn’t a truly nice dad to be doing this to his kids’ mum.

I've already told you a bit of my story and your updates are sounding extremely familiar. Making the "fixing" your responsibility and doing nothing himself. Punishing you for historic faults that he has never mentioned before. Rewriting the past. Please don't let him drag you down too far before you find your limit.

As I said upthread OP, this really isn't about you- he's just using that to enable him to disengage with less guilt. He's either checked out because he just has- or someone else is on the scene and he feels disloyal to them if he's actually nice and engaging with you. It's one or the other- otherwise he would get how upset you are and going out his way to reassure you

@annonymousse

But if he really doesn’t see the problem and thinks she finds problems or is over emotional then why should he try to fix anything?

Perhaps the reason he’s bringing up stuff from the past is because she’s telling him about what’s wrong with him now.

@Kara8787 the way he treating her is emotionally abusive. He's seeing her tears and hearing her trying to reconnect and he's giving nothing. Even if he feels he is completely blameless he needs to show he appreciates the efforts she is making and some empathy for her distress. If he is unable to do that or feels he is beyond that he should be truthful and call an end to the relationship.

@annonymousse

Disagree. We always jump to everything being abusive or intentionally gaslighting. Perhaps he just believes she is over emotional and can’t be pleased and is fed up with the drama of it.

If we call him abusive for dismissing OP we could just as well call OP abusive and manipulative for crying and trying to change him - we would were she a man.

This is a typical couples argument, I don’t know them so I don’t know who I’d agree with irl but am sick of mundane arguments being described as abuse.

I think he is bringing up things from the past as they are the main examples that come to mind but a lot of this relates to low level stuff probably, me not fully listening, some of that is his communication style and not making things easy to engage in conversation. It is not purely an event 6 years ago that he is holding against me. More that he has withdrawn communication as he feels I am disengaged and disinterested, which is not how I feel but obviously how he thinks I have come across.

This however should be caveated with the background that he has always shut down and closed off at the first sign of any disagreement or anything that I have done to 'annoy' him. That could be a passing comment or a more serious disagreement. So I do tread on eggshells and spend a lot of time thinking is he ok, I am talking over the last 20 years probably, so nothing new and I have accepted this is how it is but through the magnified lens I have right now I realise this is not particularly healthy.

His absolute lack of concern for me when my heart is breaking in front of him is another issue and is making me re-evaluate whether I want to be with someone who treats me this way. Because I would expect compassion, I am not a terrible person and haven't done anything awful.

I don't think he is abusive, I don't feel that. From an outside perspective I see how it could be interpreted that way. Interestingly my mum says she has witnessed things over the years between us and understands how it has got to this point.