Does anyone else have a husband like this?

[Kanfuzed123]

I know I usually post quite lighthearted things but there’s one thing that’s been getting to me for a while, I’m probably going to phrase this unreasonably or harshly and I’m prepared to get flamed/called out on it. But I feel like my husband can’t do anything. By that I mean without supervision or me having run around and check he’s done it properly after, which he doesn’t take kindly to.

some are minor thing and some not but he just won’t listen. I’ll give you a major for instance, been on holiday and rented a car, putting car seats for kids back in our car, because as per usual I’m watching the kids and cooking (I also have a bad back so it’s hard for me to lift them, bend over and install them) they are isofix (aka easier to install). My fault I didn’t supervise him or check he’d done it properly after. He’s taken both children out in the car since, I got to put kids in car and dc1’s car seat is 6 inches off the bottom of the car seat and dc2 isn’t flush against the back aka they are incorrectly installed, which he refused to believe but it’s f’ing deadly and anyone with eyes could see it was wrong, and no he isn’t visually impaired.

i ask to watch food whilst I feed baby, i come back and it’s burnt black to the bottom of the pan… I say to him I said to watch it, to which he says oh i did, you didn’t say to not let it burn

what’s really got me today, is our online grocery order. I menu plan and he puts the order in, i wrote explicit ingredients and then an acceptable sub… get the order to today and he’s ordered half wrong sodding stuff. I’m honestly at breaking point with it. This is ridiculous right?

Doesn't he have a brain for himself?
Clearly not, he was driving around with his children incorrectly strapped into their car seats.

You wouldn't correct your partner if they couldn't work out a car seat?

@feistyoneyouare Why on earth should the household have the added expense of a 'personal assistant' just because this guy can't be arsed to use his brain properly? If he can do his job right, then he's more than capable of getting a few domestic tasks right. He just isn't bothering to think them through properly.

Because if he's not willing take his share of the workload
for x,y or z reasons he need to at least hire someone (paid from his own pocket of course).

Both my husbands were like this and I dumped them both. I'm doing very well single. The pair of them are making a right mess of their lives.

@Sandra1984 but that would just be enabling him to continue doing what he is doing. What needs to happen is he needs to buck up, yesterday, or he can leave.

@RooniIWazlib You wouldn't correct your partner if they couldn't work out a car seat?

I wouldn't correct him, I would fire him and have him hire someone more competent, he sounds useless. I hope he's kind and a good lover at least and if not I would divorce him, because what's the point?

Hi OP I know it's been said repeatedly on this thread but I'm another one who can recognise this behaviour for exactly what it is.

It is not a basic vase of your DH having "no common sense or "just incompetence" or being "just forgetful". There's no excuse for him.

It's blatant strategic incompetence, or weaponised incompetence.

He has utter contempt for you. It's always things you ask him to do that he fucks up isn't it. I'm sure he cracks on perfectly well when he does anything of his own choosing.

He does not consider himself to be an equal to you in your home, he sees himself as far far too important.

He will never do anything you ask of him. He'd rather put his own children's lives at risk than do any task you asked him to.

He won't change either. He's already laughing about upsetting you. He'll only carry on laughing.

Yes, I do, but he can go to work and pay all the bills so it's all good. I can do everything else since I don't have to work.

You put a ring on certain (note: certain, not all) men's fingers - or you have a child with them - and they regress psychologically.

They turn into little boys who want to be mothered, and any domestic adeptness dissolves into a form of passive aggressive incompetence.

It may be deliberate, or it may not be quite as much under their control as you'd think.

Either way, the issue is both deep-seated and complex, and I wouldn't be staying around for it because it isn't an isolated behaviour: it fast becomes systemic, and it's not a burden that a partner needs to carry for the rest of their lives.

This man is being an a&&hole, he knows it and you know it, so why you letting him get away with it?

sit him down and tell him he must change, perhaps ask him if he feels mentally well - you never know…

other than that it’s a lack of respect and to be honest a lack of love for you and your family.

In the 20 odd years we've been together DH has never cooked one meal (he can't cook and refuses point blank to learn), never done a load of washing, wouldn't have the first clue what to buy if he did an online shop...

He earns, I don't because I'm disabled, so he probably correctly believes that the house stuff is all down to me as that's my 'job' while his is to earn the money. But it would be nice if he knew how to do these things, so he could help out when I'm not feeling up to cooking or whatever. If I say as much to him he just tells me I'm nagging and that all of that is my department.

I feel your pain OP.

Someone said upthread is he one of those that can never admit fault… YES he can NEVER admit he’s done anything wrong, it’s always my fault. He lost the baby proofing magnets the other day, shit happens but quite inconvenient as all our food was locked in the cupboards, but can happen to anyone but you guessed it… my fault.

he also never ever listens to me, it can be the most common sense thing like tonight, don’t pour fat/ oil down the sink it will block it… ‘not it won’t’ and carried on pouring

Like flogging a dead horse op

I hear ya

How was it your fault?

And at the risk of incurring the mighty wrath of someone who thinks men are biologically programmed to be lethal, fatberg-inducing morons, what really is the fucking point of him?

Urgh my friend's husband is like this. Dick head.

I read every single message on this thread and I'm feeling really sorry for you. I'm living with the same husband - but I'm planning divorce (he even gambling and has a mistress).
The only one thing I'm feeling sorry about - that I wasted my time, my efforts and my health. Don't do that, it's time to leave him. Breaking point for me was when I understood I'm much better on days that he is out of town (so WITHOUT him at home) that he has day off. It was so peaceful and quiet at home without that idiot burning pans, screaming on me, leaving every single shit on the floor, every single sock on chair, etc.

My advice is to stop doing anything for him. No washing, cleaning or cooking. He will find out how to wash clothes when he runs out of pants!!

He sounds very frustrating … but maybe you need to spell it out to him that he needs to buck up his ideas!

He won't change. It's who he is.

Make your decisions with that in mind.

Thing is though, it’s not because it never used to be idk what the hell happened

He does most of the laundry, not the complex stuff like stain treating but the moving of things from laundry basket to washing machine and then to dryer or line depending on the weather and you’d think he was down the river bearing the clothes with a rock.

putting them away however… a bridge too far.

he’ll clean too, but only superficially, he’d never wipe the front of the kitchen units (wouldn’t dawn on Him or bleach out the bath or the shower

My ex used to do this deliberately, to teach me a lesson. The food thing you described struck me particularly. "You didn't tell me not to let it burn", meaning "this is your fault, and I'm teaching you a valuable lesson about how to use words".

Not sure if this is relevant in your case, but another example would be ex DP would discover, say, broken glass in a corner of the room, and would then wait to see how long it took me to find it and deal with it. This would then be followed by the comment "it's been like that for five days now".

He was emotionally abusive. Might yours be the same?

My dad is just like this-he’s the youngest of 4 and there’s a massive age gap between him and his sibling's so he was babied all his life-his mum died when he was 19,his dad carried on babying him and when he got married my mother took over

he grew up,went to college,(and got top marks) met my mother,got a job,fathered 4 kids,(last two are twins) had a mortgage and was fucking useless at anything he didn’t want to do

I’m amazed all 4 of us survived into adulthood-and now he’s a granddad and he won’t change-everything is left to my mother,who sighs,rolls her eyes and cracks on with it

this is a man who in his 70’s has never changed a nappy,never put a washing load on,cooked a meal,washed up,doesn’t know where his clothes are kept,wouldn’t have a clue where the hoover is kept,has never wiped the sides down in the kitchen or bathroom,can make a sandwich but leaves such a mess it’s not worth him doing it etc

funny enough tho-he can do his gardening and other hobbies-he rides a motorbike and can find a good deal on a new bike,never forgets when his road tax or insurance is due and knows where the cheapest petrol station is at any time (he can’t use the net)

he’s trained my brothers to be just like him-he openly tells them to ‘train up your women’ ‘womens brains are programmed to use the washing machine’ and ‘a woman’s place is to look after you son’

I thought he was going to melt when he saw my brother making a round of sandwiches for work once as my sister in law was at her second job-my brother has never made himself another meal as ‘it’s woman’s work’

all 3 of my brothers are married-all 3 have full time professional jobs-and so do the wives but guess who pulls up the slack?

i vowed I’d never end up with a man like him-and I haven’t-he pulls his weight-I have ‘my jobs’ (putting a load on or wiping the bathroom down) he has ‘his jobs’ (putting out the bins and he cleans the cobwebs away-which I hate) and anything else we work out between us

Mines like this, even down to the incorrectly fitted car seats.

I've gone on strike, I'm not doing his washing, anything he leaves lying around gets thrown away rather than tidied and I've not made tea for 3 days now.

And it's so hard to not hate him.

Also some of your comments are absolutely hilarious you would 100% fit into my group of friends haha x

Aw thanks! Best comment of the thread!

This is exactly it. He wouldnt pull this shit at his super duper job would he? Would he say to his boss, well the project/job/order has gone to shit because you didnt give me step by step instructions would he? Knob.