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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help....... need advice about living together

86 replies

clare1980 · 25/11/2004 19:54

my boyfriend has asked us to move in with him after xmas but i dont know if i want to move across the country away from my family and friends.he is still legally married as his divorce is not finalised yet. i stay at his house most of the time usually 2-3 weeks at a time but there is always an option to go home which i have to do so my daughter can see her dad. i am really happy and we are practically living together but i am not sure whether i should give up my house and make it permanent.i would be grateful for any advice

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 25/11/2004 19:57

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sallystrawberry · 25/11/2004 19:57

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aloha · 25/11/2004 20:26

I wouldn't rush into this at all. He's a married man atm, you would be homeless if he changed his mind (you would have no claim on his house) and I don't know how old your dd is, but if this would mean less contact with him, then I think that's quite a big consideration. Plus family support is very important. I agree, talk to your daughter, and don't move in with him unless you are pretty sure he is the one for you, and you have protected yourself financially . Do you own or rent your home?

Original poster
clare1980 · 25/11/2004 20:27

my daughters dad makes things very differcult for me by filling my daughters head with rubbish and calling her and crying down the phone. the reason i ask is it is becoming very hard to go home and there are always tears. i am going to start decorating the house so my daughter has her own room because she does not like sleeping in his step daughters room.Also there is the issue of a 15 year age gap.

OP posts:
Original poster
clare1980 · 25/11/2004 20:28

my home is rented off the council

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 25/11/2004 20:34

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aloha · 25/11/2004 20:50

But it is currently true that as things stand legally, if they are not married, and he changes his mind, Clare 1980 will not have the right to stay in the house, and it may not be at all easy to find another home if she gives up her tenancy. I do worry about a man who cries down the phone to his daughter.

Original poster
clare1980 · 25/11/2004 20:51

thank you wig and robe. my dd is 4 and finds it very upseting to hear her dad cry but he only does it because it causes me problems. he is not happy that i am in a loving relationship as ours was filled with violence which my dd witnessed on countless occassions. he has told dd that i will not let her see him again and that my dp is evil. we seem to take 2 steps forward then he calls and we leap back about 4 steps. i am happy here wiv dp and we have discussed children and marriage, and his wife has recently had a child with her new partner so there is no chance of them getting back together. my dd dad has no rights to my dd but it is easier to go home when he wants to see dd or things get nasty.

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 25/11/2004 21:01

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aloha · 25/11/2004 21:10

Well, I strongly disagree that this is an urban myth wigandrobe. However, Clare1980, I think if your ex was violent then I would support your right to live anywhere you like - ideally as far away as possible. He sounds dangerous and unstable.
Does your partner own the house? Is he willing to put it in joint names?

WigandRobe · 25/11/2004 21:12

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aloha · 25/11/2004 21:17

"People often assume that you have rights to the property if you have simply been living there for a long time ? this is not true. Similarly, some people assume that if your name is not on the title deeds you have no claim to the house. Again, this is not true. If you have made a contribution to the mortgage payments or improvements that have increased the value of the house, you may be entitled to share of the home. A court may also decide you have a right to a percentage of the home if you had been led to believe that you did own a share, and this caused you to do something to your disadvantage (like give up your own home)."
But unlike in marriage, you do NOT have a right to a share in the home unless you contribute financially. And the court cannot order a transfer of property.
Recent case law - as I understand it - has given cohabiting women more rights, but women are still being evicted from homes where they have lived for many many years under the impression that they were secure. It is IMO worth considering this, even if you decide that it is worth it in your particular case. I'm sorry about your awful ex Clare 1980 and hope you will be happy with your new partner.

munnzieb · 25/11/2004 21:17

what happened to the common law man and wife thing after living together for 6 months? or does that not apply in this case?

Original poster
clare1980 · 25/11/2004 21:41

we were not ever married or even lived together at amytime.and he has no parently responsibility. my partner is happy for me to have my name on the morgage as i would be returning to work if we moved here and therefore paying towards the house.my ex is a good father when it is just him and dd but him and his mother fill her head with so much crap.at one stage they told her me and my family was not her real family and not to speak to us and being only 4 she believed them and upset everybody.
do you know how long is it possible to stay away from my house b4 i have to make the council aware of my absents. thanks for all your advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
clare1980 · 25/11/2004 22:12

would just like to say thanks for everyones support mumsnetters are the best xxx

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 26/11/2004 09:27

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Original poster
clare1980 · 26/11/2004 12:59

how long does a DA take to be in place as the papers where sent to her last week, which she complained about but it was her who wanted it rushed through so she could marry her new partner, also she said that her daughter from a previous relationship should have been included in the divorce as a dependant child but as they are not blood related this is not rite is it????? Thanks for your help x

OP posts:
aloha · 26/11/2004 13:07

Munnzeib, now that is an urban myth! There is no such thing as common law and you do not automatically rack up rights at any time during living together.

WigandRobe · 26/11/2004 13:22

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princesspeahead · 26/11/2004 13:32

well w&r that isn't necessarily right though, is it? if the child was living with them as a child of the family then he may be responsible for her, even though she is not his. don't think we have enough info to say he hasn't got responsiblity. did he adopt her clare? or take parental responsiblity for her do you know?

princesspeahead · 26/11/2004 13:36

"The courts may make maintenance or other orders with respect to a step-child who is a ?child of the family?, that is a child whom the step-parent has treated as their own child. The court is to consider in such cases whether the step-parent has assumed any responsibility for the child?s maintenance, and if so, the extent to and basis upon which they have done so, and to the length of time for which they did so. It will also consider whether the person knew that the child was not his or her own, and the liability of the child?s natural parent to maintain the child."

princesspeahead · 26/11/2004 13:37

and by the way I think the word "liability" in the last sentence should read "ability", doesn't make sense otherwise

WigandRobe · 26/11/2004 13:39

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aloha · 26/11/2004 13:42

Er, but she's right, isn't she? It does depend on circumstances.

princesspeahead · 26/11/2004 13:43

I don't and never have but as soon as I read your post my law soc finals family law course came flooding back.
scary really, considering how long ago THAT was!

anyway thought "child of the family" was a pretty long established and well known concept.