help....... need advice about living together

[clare1980]

my boyfriend has asked us to move in with him after xmas but i dont know if i want to move across the country away from my family and friends.he is still legally married as his divorce is not finalised yet. i stay at his house most of the time usually 2-3 weeks at a time but there is always an option to go home which i have to do so my daughter can see her dad. i am really happy and we are practically living together but i am not sure whether i should give up my house and make it permanent.i would be grateful for any advice

Clare, I think the situation is such that you shouldn't rush into living with your boyfriend. I can understand your wanting to get away from your ex as he sounds hideous, but at the same time, your new partner's situation doesn't sound that settled either. I think other people's advice to see about a possible transfer to a place nearer his might be a good idea. Don't make yourself more vulnerable than you need to. And family support is not, IMO to be underestimated. The advice you have got here is all with the very best of intentions and with goodwill to you.

when he asked me to move here i did say i didnt want to move away from my family because my mum was very ill last year and as everyone else has jobs or are abroard working i was the only one around to care for her, i did ask him to move to be with us but he said that was not an option which i understand as his job is here and he has lived here all his life and i really dont think he would be comfortable living where i live. there are lots of group things and stuff in town but i feel it is all a bit clicky

Hello! Sorry for just jumpimg in! My mums friend gave up her council house to move in with her bf and then couldnt get another council house for a very very long time - basically went right to the bottom of the list because she gave it up - be very careful, but all the best, i hope it works out xx

Definitely don't do anything that'll result in you losing current house!

You could wind up going completely stir crazy at dp's - I'm sure he's lovely. But so's my dh & whereas when we were 'courting' long distance I could happily spend every second in his company, now he's moved in & we're married, there are 'aaaargh! I need to get out & see my friends' moments!

I think you need family &/or friends about in any r/ship - if you're in the a*se end of nowhere you'll end up feeling trapped & it will screw up the r/ship in no time...

I can see why this is a pressing issue - your DD will need to start school soon, which will cut down your ability to stay with your DP so much if you stay put - and you will need to put her name down locally if you are moving in.

Giving up your friends, family and support is a big issue - but having a child in a school is a great way to meet other Mums, make new friends and develop a life of your own. If DP is in the wilds, would he agree to you both moving to a more villagey/suburban area near his work and other child?

Are there any playgroups, Mums and Children's groups in the area that you could start attending next time you stay with him?

It's a lawyer thing - they always bicker.

From another office girl -also not glorified.

W&R your advice is always useful but can sometimes come across with a certain "tone of voice"! Just an observation...

carrieg this how i see things and when i go home i always plan nites out wiv my mates so i do not go completly crazy but as i spend so much time here my list of friends is slowly getting shorter. dp has lots of commitments as well which do not include me i know he is trying to include me but i am 24 and coffee mornings and quiz nites are really not my thing. my mum has also expressed that i will become bored so see how it goes b4 making any choices

Clare, I would say wait a while longer before moving in. The doubts you are expressing are valid ones and need resolving before you give up the life you have made where you are.

we are going to try and get her in to the local pre-school after xmas and the school here is a really good one. where he lives has shops and is actually called a town but it is like a village. my dd has no problem making friends and almost everyone she meets things she is great especially some old man who she got to hold my hand and dance with me at the bus stop. i sent an email to my best friend saying if i had wellies and a wax jacket maybe i would fit in and he red it and got upset but i only ment i felt like an out cast

Clare, I have skim read this thread with intrest but have to say ime in practice if you give up your tenancy, move in with somone else and then move out (for whatever reason) because you have a child you will be rehoused eventually. However, initially you would (depending on housing stock & waiting lists in the area)probbaly be put in temporary accomodation for sometime. Initially this would probably be b&B/hostel type accomodation.

FWIW, imo, if you are happy with the arrangement between dp and yourself as it is, keep doing what you are doing. When it is right to move in with him - call me old fashioned - but you will just know. Do what is best for you and your child

sorry about typos!

How did you meet him?

I know what you mean by the wax-jacket-and-wellie outfits - but my bro lives in a place like that, and there are loads of 'normal' mums at the village school.

Clare1980 It might be me, but I get a slight sense that you are not altogether happy here. Becasue if you were you would be off like a shot.

Therefore like all the others I would say stay put until his legal stuff is sorted and then perhaps rather than moving straight into 'his' place could you look at buying a place together. If he is happy to put you on the mortgage anyway, this shouldn't be an issue. Then perhaps you could find a place in an area that suits the both of you. Near his work, but also where you can make friends (ie near a primary school or something).

thanks winnie1, last nite when he came home from work i asked him if he was happy with how things are and he said yes so i mentioned that maybe we could keep things as they are he said well if that is what u want and went all quiet, i love him dearly but this is a real hard disision for me as i have to consider what if it all goes wrong and most importantly what bout my dd she has had so much crap to put up wiv in her 4 years of life that i dont want to cause her any more upset whatsoever.

Blu we met on the internet.

Perhaps, how you feel he will react if you say 'no, keep things as they are for a while' will help you decide.
If you don't think he will accept it without throwing a wobbly etc maybe you have to ask yourself if he is thinking about all concerned & not just himself.
If you think he will support your decision without bitter recriminations you can now go forward moving your relationship on, over time, to the point you will move in together. It is not that you are saying "no, never".

Snap Clare - dh & I met online.

But neither of us had kids, we're both older than you (dh 30, me 34), & he moved in with me after meeting & getting on with my friends.

Definitely I'd hold on a bit - it does sound like you'd be giving up a lot (independence, your own place that you've waited months for, family & friends nearby) whereas he's getting to keep his existing life with the added bonus of having you in it! (Especially since he's quite a bit older & may be more 'set in his ways' than you IYKWIM).

Not suggesting he's not a fantastic bloke, just that perhaps he needs to understand that he's asking a lot & perhaps he should be prepared to compromise re: where you live or how soon you embark on living together?

i think he knows i will eventually move here but he also knows how inportant family are to me if he doesnt he will when he gets the fone bill as i call my mum everyday just to check she is ok and my bro and sisters are ok.

Don't wish to inflame a fire which may have died down, but I have to agree with pph on the step-child issue.

Even if step-parents do not have parental responsibility, they do have some responsibility towards step-children whom they have treated as members of their own family (known as 'child of the family') and may be required by the court to provide financial support for step-children if the marriage ends. This will not usually happen if the children are being financially provided for by their original parent.

Can't quote legislation but this has always been my experience.

It seems, anyway, Clare that your dp acknowledges his responsibilities and is paying for his sd voluntarily, which shows what a lovely chap he is.

You can try and argue that black is white but it doesn't make it so. If the ex is claiming that dp needs to pay maintenace for the stepchild then the ONLY basis she can do it is in relatio to the child being a "child of the family". Can't claim re stepchildren through CSA.

Anyone whose opinion I care about knows that the rest of W&R's post is so far from the truth it is funny and makes her look a bit silly. Why so chippy W&R? Would it have been so difficult to say "bugger, pph, didn't think of that" or "yes, quite right, but it is difficult to prove Child of the Family" or something civilised and rational? Ho hum

BTW I said (tongue in cheek) that I "no longer sully my hands with private client work" in the context of becoming a SAHM a month or two ago, hurrah! Difficult decision after 13 yrs hard work but the right one for me at the moment.

Good luck with it all, Clare. Better get on with supervising this house full of 7 years olds I've just picked up from school, noise level and pitch is quite extraordinary!

crossposted, thanks freckle, voice of reason as always

I am not a lawyer, but I have personal experience of this 'child of the family' issue. My dh has five step-children. They are now all adults. Two are children of his ex-wife, three were foster children, for whom he and his then wife had a custodial order. He and she separated in 1992, divorced in 1996. The divorce was financially complicated and extremely acrimonious. All four of the children who were minors in 1996 were treated as 'children of the family', because he had acted as their parent for a number of years. DH has no biological relationship with any of them. He was advised, by a very good lawyer, that he was liable to contribute to their maintenance, even though his ex-wife was getting a generous fostering allowance for the three youngest children. Financial support for these children was, therefore, a central part of the divorce order and we have supported them through school and university.

Thanks, Oldiemum, I knew there must be people on Mumsnet in that situation!

I was chatting to a friend of mine who is a family courts judge, and she confirmed that it is a long standing concept, but one which takes a lot of people by surprise, in her experience. But she says that whenever she makes maintenance orders for stepchildren on the basis of "child of the family", it is usually a no-brainer for her - the child has so clearly been treated as a child of the union like any other full siblings with the stepparent having taken financial (and usually emotional) responsibility for them, and that not to make the order would so clearly be inequitable, that she has no problem in making the orders.
But she did say that it depended a lot on the circumstances of the natural parents as well, if they could provide for the child then a maintenance order wouldn't be imposed on the stepparent.

And she loved the "office girl" comment, I'll never hear the end of it off her

we had a fight today bout spending time together over xmas and i nearly went and wasnt coming back

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